I've been sad for as long as i can remember. The day my father died is when i started to wonder whether that is the natural state of a 10 year old, to lose a person who is supposed to see you through life until you can hold your own hand.
As cruel as it sounds, I've been wondering when my mother's time will be up ever since he passed on. I keep preparing my mind, every time her birthday comes I tell myself "you've had her for an additional year, maybe this is it maybe this is when your luck runs out".
I never cried about his passing from the day after. I was numbed and I've been numb about it throughout all these years. The only time I came close to crying was a few weeks after he was gone, I was watching the tv and something came up that I really wanted to tell him about. I turned my head to the back and I called out "Papa-". I stopped when I came to the realization that he was not there and he will never be able to hear and respond to the things I say anymore.
Everyone thinks that because I was just ten years old, I wasn't affected much. Due to the fact that out of all my siblings I was the one who knew him the shortest, they thought that I couldn't be the saddest. But that was my father too, I loved him too, I was his daughter too. Everyone thought they were the saddest person. They were so busy with their own sadness, they never checked on mine. They never asked how I was doing, they never explained death nor did they provided solace to my lost and broken soul.
To a ten year old who had to figure out her own emotions, the easiest way was to **** it up and keep it inside.
& when you go through something like that, you'll understand why I say I'll always be sad.