I have
a tan line, on my ring finger
it marks something i wish i had..

you

*L.G

I was never a good boy  , dabbling in the wrong side of the right life,  i stole coins like candy from my grandmothers cookie jar.  Of coarse i was wrong, but i allays...
I always thought i was right , because my world had so little light  i didn't know...
I didn't know what was right, what was i to feel? how i was i to fight?,
i wasn't..
depression is like having a red dot on your forehead and you cant tell if that's from the divines gifting you inspiration to speak or the ****** down the road firing words sharp enough to slit wrists through the ballistic scope of the internet. and how dare you say..
"get over it"
how dare you say"be happy",
because depression is like a black hole
that not even light can escape and where all stuck at the bottom..
only the lucky few get to sit at the top with smiles and wave without being ****** in. throwing in careless well wishes like the coin you stole into a well...wishing that coin would grow and swell and unfurl into the note  of green you think you need.
stop counting your own blessing and count mine,  because down here at the bottom  its to dark to see the notes of happy things you write, and still you throw more and ask for them back but why is it always about you?  why cant i get a helping hand without seeing the back of it against my cheek, because we only get help when its returned..and we can only beat depression when we earn it.  and the only way to earn it is to run faster then light because that's where the answer is...
happiness
and im not talking about the kind of happyness that drips from the slit neck of a broken bottle, im not talking about  the kind that seaps from my lungs in the clouds i blow, im talking about that someone ..
the girl with cute socks all fluffy and pink,  the doctor who series box set and waaayyy to many treats..
im talking about  the people who even when my skin is made out of stone see the marshmallow of my heart, even when my worlds falls apart, and the fragments of my reality splinter into stepping stones across a  raging river...
they make the steps not so far apart...
  while upstream my family and my friends rush construction on the dam that will slow the flow enough to cross..
THERE THE ONES WHO CARE  !'
the ones who grab that happiness that outruns my own black hole and dive head first into it m force feeding me spoonfuls of sugar and courage and smiles because  they never saw the swirls of darkness around me they only saw emptiness


And one after another those broken hearted lovers those screaming from slit rists or happyness in there raught minds strip there beds and make a rope from the sheets  and tossed it from the tallest window of the fortress of life and  as soon as it touched the ground..they scream. they scream like animals climb.. climb dam you climb!!! climb like gravities blowing you a wet kiss and  the worlds tied wings to your back CLIMB! and those eat the bottom of the rope .. they  chant your bane  to keep you going...keep moving they say.. and those on the other side who can see the sun rissing and see it getting better they scream hurry! because my lifes passing me by and only they can see it...

and i can say because of them...the friends that care the one who suffer i climb...Ii still do... I haven't stopped and im STILL not at the top but im still going...
and its hard...
and my hands bleed from the effort and the slits on my wrists beg to burst again but i cant...
I  cant **** the rope that love built with my own blood and slip back down
I  must keep going...
thanks to the selflessness of those around me i know that bed sheets aren't for nooses...
there for ropes..
because dreams aren't  knifes there an escape from climbing...
the soft pillow i rest my head on doesn't feel like rocks any more..
because i couldn't dream before and now its all i do,   i  scream it DREAM!  i yell from one ear to the next look at me! smiling with  broken teeth look-at me! my scars aren't scars because I've shaped them into badges of pride because im climbing...
and as long as i climb ill never have to touch the ground...
  as long as i catch the rope when i slip those who love me will cheer me on, iscream it... look at me, not even a black hole could catch me now

*L.G

I  am a zombie

the likes of which you have never met.
I do not seek flesh...nor brains nor blood
I breathe, I swallow the food that this world brings to me, the luxuries of its soil.
I have sung....  I have danced... I have felt


yet


I do not feel the air, it rests  in my lungs like ash , I do not taste the food, it  like all things have been grown in salted earth, I do not hit notes well enough to be considered beautiful, and my feet have grown clumsy with time
I wonder without purpose...

I feel no sensation. I see no sensation I hear no sensation ...
I am not a zombie of flesh but a zombie of life,
being driven to such a state of mind takes years of nurturing.
believe it not its hard to grow a child so fractured....a broken relationship a family split in two by alcohol and drugs alike , years of trauma and bullying  its so hard.... its so hard to stand your ground...
its like school yard is a wind tunnel.. and im a a design concept...because every time i stumble and fall  everyone takes their turn to laugh at my designer ,  and in his frenzied panic he strips far to much of me... parts of me they deemed useless.. useless! things no one else would notice i lost my taste stripped from the drugs that sour my soul
my feet replaced with stumps on which I can not dance because the one person I held close enough to my heart to dance with.. I pushed away with lust for regardless venture sometimes i see a broken bottle on the ground  and...just...

but don't read my agony for an attempt at self justification for my state, my life  is not their for your pity, no your reassurance I am self made man!, I carved the marble of my bones from the gravel of the man I used to be and i did it while everyone laughed...while they mocked..
I sat there with a chisel in my hand and thought
"if I was meant to be dead..if I was not meant to be here..I  wouldn't be...car crash or fever or trauma or seizure i would be gone...and the  moment I close my eyes i can rest...the moment I am no longer here I will have a bed where the pillows don't feel like rocks and  my blankets are no longer made of thorns I am allowed to dream..."
everyone mocks the zombie...me..us..them...we..
im not alone..there's hundreds of us...thousands and I bet if I said the word we would rise up and walk the streets like mobs ... an army of tasteless chefs a platoon of crippled ballerinas
a support division of hideous make up artists.
I say this,not because its true..its not... the crippled dancers have merely forgotten how to stand the chefs have their seasonings wrong the make up artists are just using the wrong shade, I say it not because its true... but because that's what where taught is true
enough people saying the same thing has a way of jostling the wires around your mind, i know a girl that used to be a nuclear submarine...
she once needed two keys and a code word and a finger scanner to activate....now its just the blunt end of an old spoon and some jostling to get her heart started

you say something.and it doesn't matter if its not true, it will become truth.  when it is repeated.


how bad did you think it was?
because it is so much worse

*L.G

Make money
Take money
Spend money
Invest money
Lose money
Find money
Save money
Crave money
Marry money
Earn money
Work for money
Live for money
Breathe for money
Not run out of money
We live for money
We die without it
Love doesn't feed us
**** doesn't cure us
Cigarettes don't **** us quick enough
Money money money
Don't you ever run out
...