Tomorrow is the day, when I finally will be free. You’ve had such a hold over me. Reminding me of how my body doesn’t belong to me. Always feeling the touch that didn’t belong. A focus of what has been wrong for so long.
When you first came, I wished you would go away. Before there was any damage done, I knew you were not mine. I wished for you to be gone. Even thinking cancer would be better. Just whisk you away.
Every moment of every day, I feel you. I feel the others. I can’t be myself without trying to hide you. And the hiding is something I’m trying to break free from. I want to just be me. Authentic and free.
So this is goodbye. Goodbye to the thing that has attached me to my past. Goodbye to what makes me feel like I don’t belong. Goodbye to you, and hello to me.
A new era is coming. I can feel the breeze picking up. Eyes set to the future as I leave you behind.
Forever,
Alex

Erase me
like a mistake on your page.
Burn me off
like a potent stick of sage.
Repulsion that’s what you think of
when you think of me.
I’m a disaster
must destroy me you see.

Traveling down the rabbit hole
I never knew this would happen
I’ve been fighting so **** hard
to avoid this canyon

Arrive in wonderland
I can hardly stand
wobbly on the front
and I feel I am on the hunt

For a little white rabbit
to help me escape it
the world I’ve fallen in
heading straight for sin

Edibles and my head gets bigger
drink potion to become a normal figure
feel trippy like the Cheshire cat
or mad as hell like the guy in the hat

None of this will stop
my thoughts are over the top
red heart queen screams
giving up on my dreams

Offer up my head
inside it wants me dead
suicide, going to hell
doesn’t matter, just as well

Another day stuck in my head
just wishing that I were dead
probably going straight to hell
but it’s all just as well

People think I am living paranoid
but they just don’t know this void
bipolar lows have got me down
dark thoughts I’m sure to drown

Feel like **** on the daily
about to give in to this
feel like **** on the daily
don’t be afraid of my slit wrists

Demons telling me ***** things
trying to ruin all my dreams
turning me into a cold blooded figure
my PTSD the beasts trigger

Can’t handle this anymore
walking through self harm’s door
will it lead to suicide?
Only one way to find out and try

Feel like **** on the daily
about to give in to this
feel like **** on the daily
don’t be afraid of my slit wrists

Shades over my eyes
make the creepers look back at themselves
feelings from inside
really want to take the blade off the shelf

Lost in the mood
envisioning ruby gems from my arm
fresh and new
I know I could do so much harm

I am a maniac
poor black spray paint on my windows
if I’ll stop
this blade’s power, no one knows

Raging now
on my way to heaven or hell?
When will the fantasy end?
It’s all just as well

These scars are what make me
they show the times that almost break me
but I’ve got through each one of them
even times that were looking grim

The times that I tried suicide
and really wished I had died
I took the blade to my skin
not letting those monsters win

It sounds funny to most others
in these scars I’m covered
but it kept me alive
I see them and think “**** I thrived”

And now I don’t need my blade
it’s another choice that I’ve made
getting by with my pad and quill
who knew I had so much self will

God is dead
never was
crazy head

If there’s a hell
I’ll be there
it’s just as well

Eyes sewed shut
afraid to see
stuck in a rut

Dreamed it up
called Christianity
waiting to erupt

Keep the flock in line
listen to lies
not in my rhyme

Demand devotion in his name
drowning in hypocrisy
all the suffering and pain

God is dead
never was
crazy head

If there’s a hell
I’ll be there
it’s just as well

It’s hard when I’m lonely
that’s when my demons come out
they tell me dark stories
and fill me with doubt

I can’t fight them alone
I need help to win
so instead I mark myself
and my demons call it sin

But it helps me stay alive
because the beasts want me dead
they want my cold body
they want my crazy head

But I refuse to give them either
I need to live this life
so I’ll keep battling
no matter the strife

Laying in bed, it's 4:00 AM
I haven't had a wink of sleep
my head has been a mess tonight
it's like I can feel Death creep

All I can think about
is taking those pills
there's so many of them
it'd be such a thrill

I can fantasize
and feel them go down
in all the pills I keep
I feel I could drown

I know it's not fair
to commit suicide
without leaving a note
or saying goodbye

But my energy is gone
I've been waiting too long
for Death to find me
and I'm no longer strong

This battle tonight
is taking a toll on me
waiting for the sun to come up
so I can be free

From the demon in my head
telling me that Death is calling
if it's really coming
I feel like it's crawling

6:00 AM, I'm still alive
the sun starts shining in my eyes
but the feeling is still there
Death didn't come, I'm left with whys

I spend my days
not doing much
just waiting for death
and it’s touch

I’m home all alone
and this doesn’t help
imagine I’m in the sea
strangled by kelp

Or taking some pills
that will do the trick
Death why do you make me wait
you’re being a ****

Life’s been unfair
I’m tired of games
I wonder if Death
even knows my name

I’m trying to be patient
that’s why I cut myself
ease the pain a little
with the razor on a shelf

But it’s not enough
demons are taking their toll
Death where are you
won’t you play your role

I’m tired of waiting
I’m putting an end to our truce
it’s time I did it myself
I’ll stick my head in this noose

My brain tells me nonsense
like to put down my defense
with self-harm’s flawless seduction*
I can feel the reduction

The blade glides nice and smooth
going over every scars groove
then beads of ruby gems form
falling gently, they feel so warm

No bandage needed, watch it drip
more slices, my skin I’ll strip
with no defense to say stop
I’ll keep cutting until I drop

Trapped in the sands of time
I feel as if I’m loosing my mind
I can feel myself disappear
it feels as if the end is near

There’s nothing I can do but wait
hopefully I will reach Heaven’s gate
I feel myself trickle slowly
through the hourglass I fit narrowly

Love is the reason for my demise
you can see the pain in my eyes
I fell for such toxicity
that love locked me up without a key

It told me life would be grand
if only I reached for it’s hand
and now I wait for my end
trapped without love or a friend

I wish I could just scream
and let my demons out
instead they’re stuck inside
and I’m in a drought

My feelings will not escape
I can’t cry when I’m sad
the demons are in control
turning everything to mad

They’re beasts inside of me
that I wish I could let go
but I’m in their grip
and it really shows

If I can’t get away
from the monsters in my head
maybe I’d be better off
if I were just dead

My brain makes no sense sometimes
you can see it in my poetry and rhymes
the craziness that goes on inside
like how sometimes I wish I’d died

It’s a weapon of mass destruction
with self-harm’s flawless seduction
I’m locked and loaded, ready to go
the fuse is burning, I’m about to blow

There’s nowhere to run for me
so writing it out is the key
to keep my head from blowing up
alone in this world without backup

I do what I can to keep it at bay
but I’m a serial brain, what can I say
the truth of the matter is I’m unashamed
of the fact that my brain is untamed

Forever you and I, together ‘til we die
at least that’s what the preacher said
but intertwined forever in this forest
is my plan now that we’re dead

Decaying together, we’ll be here forever
holding each other as if there’s no tomorrow
becoming the world around us now
tree roots for limbs I have borrowed

You just waste away, more decay
I hate to watch as you turn to dust
yet the forest just encompasses me
and my heart turns to rust

Now I cry, as I say goodbye
realizing how I’ll spend eternity
I’ll have become part of this tree
and you’ll waste away in front of me

Look over me
I am not important
Like the unnecessary comma
or the hyphen you run through

I mean nothing to you

I am of no meaning
to the sentence at hand
Nor the poem that your reading
it doesn’t stand a chance

I don’t deserve to advance

I told you I am wasteful
you should’ve scrolled on by
This was such a misuse of your time
reading my cry for help that makes no sense

Now it’s back to being on defense

He comes to me every night
haunting my memories so I can’t sleep
he is the demon of hate and fright
the one that steals all of the light

I sleep with him most every eve
he is the reason my depression thrives
for my happiness he does thieve
I wake up from terrors and grieve

I find him in my bed next to me
a visual that most no one would ever want
I try to sleep on his terms but how could that be
when closing my eyes beasts are all I see

So instead I lie awake with eyes glued open
refusing love to the monster next to me
I must remain and give him none
because of this sleepless dance I am done

All writing is pig-****
what do we do it for
are we trying to be recognized
like a two dollar *****

We think we are something special
appearing on radio shows from contests
but soon these words will have been forgotten
we are truly only Poetry’s house guests

In an age of the digital world
we think we shall live on
forgetting the true feel of writing
and on what this poetry is drawn

But our journals will waste away
words that mattered not
now smeared across the page
looking barely visible and squat

No matter what we do
we are no Dickinson or Poe
our words will never measure up
these words are pig-****, I know

I met the White Rabbit once
he took me down his hole
he told me if I followed him
it would be a lovely stroll

Now I'm in Wonderland
and nothing here makes sense
while I should be enjoying myself
I feel myself on the defense

My heads all crazy and too big
sounds seem louder than they are
still, I try to follow Mr. White Rabbit
but it seems he's gone too far

That's when I meet the cat
he's so Cheshire and witty
speaking in riddles I don't understand
what a peculiar kitty

The Mad Hatter offers me tea
but he never gives me a drop
this world is full of funny business
I want to go home, make it stop

But there's the Rabbit again
and I must know where he's going
with his pocket watch out
and his little tail showing

We've come to the Queen of Hearts
playing foolish and unfair games
screaming "OFF WITH THEIR HEAD"
obviously never had been tamed

But if I can't get out of here
then I offer my head too
oh Mr. White Rabbit
look what you made me do

She’s gone to visit her home again
but it seems to become a wasteland
overgrown with weeds she feels she must leave
for at this sight she cannot stand

She was Crazy Mary a long time ago
with newspaper walls and a bulb hung low
always asking for a ride into town
but Mother never wanted to let her go

When she did pick her up her arms flung in the air
saying “Not Crazy Mary. She’s without a care.”
but what she didn’t know is we were saving her
from a father who’s hand was without a dare

Mary ran away one year from the troubles of this town
the old men sitting by the store, they just drowned
to a new world she would become Queen
and one day return wearing her shiny crown

But never did she expect what she has found here
like a lightning bolt had struck leaving its sear
so Mary just sat staring at her past
thinking that her end too must be near

Strolling through the trees
of this beautiful arboretum
I spot a dozen butterflies
and stop so I can meet them

They flutter around my head
one lands upon my nose
is this an Angel visiting
the answer no one knows

I receive soft kisses
as if a whisper from above
I can feel the tickle
most of all I feel the love

Then a breeze comes
through the trees soft yet brisk
the butterflies take off
elegantly yet swift

So I continue my walk
through this beautiful arboretum
then stop to enjoy the flowers
would you like to know what I see in them

Pinks, yellows, blues and reds
so many colors out there
and lots of smells in my head
so tempting to pick a few to wear

But I leave them in their home
making wonderful pieces of art
but now I must be going
as the sky is getting dark

I shall return again tomorrow
for there’s so much to see
maybe if you would like
you could accompany me

Time is your gun
and depression pulls the trigger
the demons you hide
they only get bigger

Anxiety shakes your hand
but it must be held steady
Bipolar never knows
when Time is ready

The demons keep growing
in the darkness that you keep
their only goal for Time
is to watch as you weep

Time is your gun
but you can do what's right
set the barrel down
demons can't survive in light

The world seems different
it’s hard to explain
I got so used to
dancing in acid rain

But the rain has stopped
is that the sun?
There’s just no way
that I have won

The demons are hiding
I am no fool
so I’ll take this time
and refuel

For when they return
I’ll need all my strength
to overpower their
mighty wavelength

You’re always there no matter what
haunting me from my past
I try to fight and do what’s right
but the happiness never lasts

You’re there in my morning routine
when I get up and take my shower
in my afternoon nap you take control
who knew you had such power

The worst of all is in the night
that’s when you are the strongest
with terrors that feel so real
my nights they are the longest

You’re in my head with every thought
accompanied by guilt and shame
twisting everything to dark
playing your wicked game

You’re evilness is spreading wide
I can feel it trickle through my veins
when I look into the mirror
I can see eyes filled with pain

The scary thing that I’ve learned
is that you can only be
if I keep my heart dark
and let you live within me

Stuck in this place again
how did I end up here
was it the self harm
or wishing for the end to be near

I could feel myself falling apart
little bits swept afar
will I ever get them back
or are they kept somewhere in a jar

It’s lonely here without family
nobody to turn to for help
I feel like my heart is tangled
in a sea forest of kelp

I want to get better
and find happiness again
such and impossible task
in a world without a friend

I can’t stop thinking about Mom
and all the things that went wrong
how she should’ve chose me
since we’ve talked, it’s been so long

Or the trauma from my past
how Joey and Ray ****** my life
will my head ever be good enough
to become someone’s wife

And how Grandma was stolen
from this Earth far too soon
I wish I could talk to her
instead I talk to the man in the moon

So many things haunt me
the stress just piles up
I guess that explains
why I’m stuck in a rut

So I’m stuck in this place again
writing in a journal not my own
trying to get better
trying to get home

I go to the groups
and I take all my meds
but I’m still not improving
and I’m stuck in my head

How long will this take
will these wounds ever mend
maybe I should have done it
put my suffering to an end

Instead I’m on pink slip
who knows how long after that
I guess if anyone needs me
well you know where I’m at

I’m afraid my time is coming near
back to the hospital I’m sure to go
if I stay home I’ll surely disappear
and from these wrists the blood will flow

I hate the process about to come
I’ve been down this road too many times
first in the ER they’ll treat me like chum
as if being suicidal were some sort of crime

I’ll end up spending hours in there
going over my story time and time again
the doctors won’t even act like they care
then tell me I’m transferring, but not say when

Once I arrive on the hospital’s unit
there’s only more questions to be asked
making my life feel like it’s on audit
continuing to tell stories of my past

The next day I’ll get hackled by people I know
asking me why I’m back for the fourth time
they always seem to make me feel low
making my healing an uphill climb

I’ll spend days in there, maybe even weeks
the longest I’ve gone has been three
my son will come to visit, and he’ll weep
not knowing Mom almost went on a killing spree

I don’t want to go in to this place
I don’t want to deal with the hassle
the doctors, the people, it’s all a waste
but it’s my safe haven, my castle

For inside those walls I cannot cut
nor can I hang myself with a noose
there is no filth, no grime, no ****
and my pills are not laying around loose

As much as I dread the process
I do know what is right for me
maybe it’s time to confess
I need another trip to KBMC

My world has turned bleak
my desolation you seek
even in my smile
you can see this lonely mile

You can hear it in my laugh
how it’s all on your behalf
my happiness is fake
for my sense of self you *****

When I’m playing with my son
I need a drink of bourbon
to keep my anger at bay
it doesn’t work dare I say

In times of depression I find relief
in my blade, but it’s a thief
stealing my days of sobriety
to your world this is the key

You have me trapped in your grip
with chains of regret you are equipped
reminding me of trauma from the past
making me think happiness shall never last

Darkness won’t you let me be
I just want light and to see
but if we shall become friends
then make it darker, make it end

I could use some extra love today
you see it’s my mother’s birthday
and we do not get along
because of her monster that’s so strong

He likes to steal children’s innocence
throwing their life off balance
and then feed the world with his lies
this monster I truly do despise

But my mother she fell in love
away from me she did shove
choosing him over her own blood
leaving me kicking mud

So I chose to cut my mother off
at her toxicity I have scoffed
but boundaries can still hurt
when you’re the one left in the dirt

I’m working so hard
to heal my wounds
but my heart feels
like it’s been stuck with a harpoon

I feel like I’m failing
at everything I try
every night I lay in bed
and think of ways to die

This can’t be normal
I want my sanity back
instead I take my world
and I paint it black

The darker the better
to match my cold heart
should’ve known I was *******
right from the start

No way can I heal
from the demons chasing me
they have their grip
never shall I be free

The problems keep piling
and PTSD won’t let me forget
all the guilt and shame
the trauma that I regret

Why can’t life just end
it’d be easier than suicide
then at least I could say
I put in effort, I really tried

All my demons are liars
placing fear into me
they tell me this is forever
and never shall I be free

There’s anxiety banging at my door
giving me lots of worries
he has a monstrous grip and
with one hand my fun he does seize

Depression slips right in
like a serpent on the loose
always telling me life should end
and to stick my head in a noose

Bipolar jumps around the room
making each wave greater than the last
Hypo-mania is her companion
with long nights thinking of the past

PTSD sits in the corner and waits
for the opportune moment
just when you think you’re safe
he pulls his gruesome stunt

Addiction’s constant nagging
to let her com on in
will have me in a bottle
or a blade dragging across my skin

Yes all my demons are liars
they’re constantly in my head
dealing with them every day
fills me with never ending dread

Do you ever wonder
what it’d be like
to swallow those pills
or tie that noose around your neck

Because I do every night

This day has come
as it does every year
I can’t formulate the words
or even shed a tear

I’ve become immune to you
almost dead inside
too old to ask silly questions
of when you left us, why?

I do not send well wishes
I have no wish for you at all
funny how we’ve always had a way
of making each other feel small

Do you even remember a time
when I was fragile and small
you held the world in your hands
then you gave away it all

Do you realize how
you’ve torn our family apart
stuck your hand in its chest
and ripped out its heart

I doubt that you care
with the monster by your side
diving into his evil smile
even becoming his bride

Do you enjoy the taste
of sin on your lips
after a share of his kiss
during a midnight eclipse

Does the scent of his victims
linger on his shirts collar
making him more tempting
as my world grows smaller

For the more you choose
the demon over me
the more that I realize
we were never a family

So I have to build up my walls
and grow my heart dark
I can’t let you inside
you’ve already left your mark

The missing piece from my
shattered but patched up heart
forever a reminder that
mother and daughter are apart

Tomorrow the world
   goes back to normal
      well at least for me

            I just wish
               I could take down
                  the ******* tree
                  
                  I’m so over
              just letting
         Christmas be

      I thought I said
  that Christmas
is over for me

Another family gathering

Another exhaust-yourself

No matter how much I try
not to pretend
it just comes out
naturally

It’s a word we don’t use,
but when you have to fight
your ex over something
as senseless as your son’s hair
then I think it’s perfectly fitting

It feels good
to have your name called
to have a poem read

and they already know who you are

Filled with dread
barely out of bed
pounding in my head
it’s Christmas time

Memories haunting
pill bottles daunting
tree lights flaunting
it’s Christmas time

Brain a mess
filled with stress
hate this process
it’s Christmas time

But presents under tree
my son is happy
all that matters to me
it’s Christmas time

Why is visiting
with friends or family
so emotionally

       D
          R
             A
                I
                N
              I
           N
        G
      ?

Dreading going to bed
for this is the longest night
memories haunting
fears daunting
they fill me with fright

Shall I survive til morning
will my demons take me under
within their clutch
this is too much
I can hear the monster’s thunder

Close my eyes apprehensively
drifting off I fall asleep
here they come
soul undone
in my dreams I wish to weep

Laughing at me
with their evil grin
different shapes and colors
I want to take them in

One for each label
that’s been slapped on me
some do their job
others were told to leave

They’re even in my dreams
playing tricks with my mind
I can feel each one of them
they’ve never been kind

Still on my brain
through the day as I write
trying to stay away
and do the thing that’s right

But they sit in their bottles
with their demented stare
I wonder what would happen
since nobody is there

I’ll have to move on
they’re playing with my head
“Do I really want to live
or do I wish to end up dead?”

An entire bottle in my hands
a couple gulps was the plan
I finished them off easily
ready to go peacefully

In panic I searched for someone to trust
to tell them that death was just lust
as I told you I started to choke
with your slap I suddenly awoke

Palms sweaty and a racing heart
wishing my dream had let me depart
but I suppose that's what friends are for
now I can go on living once more

In my veins I feel fire
left alone with my desires
just a woman who’s crying out
filled with fear and so much doubt

I do not see the world as you do
it feels dark and hard to continue
for my demons follow me
I live my life in agony

I only wish for this world to end
maybe then you could comprehend
what it is I’m going through
and why I wish to discontinue

A bath prepared
steaming hot
candles lit
meditation

Soak for a while
fingers prune
mind eases
relaxation

Time nonexistent
scents of lilacs
muscles unwind
appreciation

Dark and demented
my thoughts circle round
my head swarming
as if a nest thrown on the ground

If only I could catch one
then maybe I could see
why they keep circling
and tormenting me

They dig in deep
never letting go
I feel a demon myself
try not to let it show

So dark and demented
these thoughts have become
they’re getting to my soul
I now feel undone

I look at you
and I feel his touch
sliding up my leg

You build-up to the ceiling
repulsing me with your branches
tangling as you grow stronger

Your bulbs are hot
burning me if I touch
scorching my hands

Your tensil wraps around you
ready to jump at its prey
and strangle it to its death

Your ornaments dangle
ready to fall and break
fragile like my heart

Your angel sitting on top
is a facade of dreams
laughing at me as I have none

I look at you
and I feel his touch
his evilness indeed

Sorrow is always there
like a friendship unwanted
churning in my heart
every beat felt broken

I can feel it’s icy hand
gripping around my chest
making it harder to breathe
will this be my last breath?

Christmas can be a terrible mess
for those of us with daunting memories
yet we have kids of our own
that we have to please

We stuff our feelings down
ignoring the nightmares had
checking things off their list
hoping they will be glad

Come Christmas morning
our mind is in an awful fog
a haze we won’t let our children see
that lasts all day long

Memories of anger or hate
sometimes even children ***
we sit and remember hell
wondering what will happen next

If you’re anything like me
and those memories are you
I hope you can take this Christmas
and build your memories new

I sat watching the tree
with his hand on my knee
remembering the night before
and how he made me a ***** *****

I was too young to know
that I’d given him a show
so, Christmas Eve, he stole
every ounce of my soul

He thought it was okay
for every year he tried to play
with my emotions again
performing the gravest sin

My cousin made me hate
Christmas and all it creates
it’s like milk gone sour
when he left me in my darkest hour

I remember changing that night
into my long T-Shirt
you came in as I took my ******* off
a look giving me what I deserve

Going to sleep was hard
I knew you were in the other room
but it didn’t take very long
for you to sneak in like a snake

You climbed on top of me
the words you spoke I don’t remember
one hand on my face
you slipped inside and had your way

I felt my insides tearing
I felt you with every ******
I wished to cry and yell and scream
but keep quiet was a must

For next to us, my brother slept
so peaceful he dreamed
I surely didn’t want to wake him
Santa was coming, it’s Christmas Eve

When you decided you’re done
and my world was over
you slipped away smiling
and that’s when suicide first visited me