I entered
You were there

I approached
You looked up

I said hi
You smiled back

I felt my heart  
Racing up
And later stopping for a second or a little bit more than that

I already knew when
You hesitated

As if I were to make a choice
For both of us

Whether to go deep down
or surrender

by looking down

I don't know that

but I know for once that

I am proud,
Not glad, neither sad
Not uplifted, yet not drowned

I'm just proud,
of where I was and where it brought me,
of every defeat that comes across
of every each win however it is small

of who I am and who I am becoming

I realise now,
though I am not always fun, neither smart
Not always calm, yet not mad
that all of my past cannot define me

I am right here
Simply,
Right now

And all that I wish
is to remain

proud.

The constant dizziness were my new friend on the way up there,
I had to make a pause every each few steps.
I had to keep my hand on the wall to keep the balance, to not fall down and to be able to keep up.

Too weak,
Too fragile
and
Too hungry,
to go up

But that's okay,
less of body
makes me safe,
less of fat,
makes me proud,
cause you all want to look alike,
cause you all would want to be that tough
to get used to being hungry all the time,
to all day long and all night long
feel exceptional,
in control,
and if the hunger is the price,
that's okay,

I can starve.

We met in Hell,

We kissed on Earth,

We imagined love in our minds,

After all,
We are buried underground.

While smoking I think,
how many blows will be needed to take my breath away
for once and for all

When smoke covers me up
I look around and try to disappear in it
for once and for all

I tap it and look at how it falls down
hitting the ground just as my life is doing right now

I step at it and tread into the pavement
I am putting it out
Just as my life has already done

unexpectedlyinsanlypainfully