I'm searching for your loving gaze
in strangers eyes and shots of *****

I lost the sense of butterflies the day
you told me you didn't know what love was
after telling me days and nights how much you loved me

i don't have any photos from when
we were our happiest together
but that's okay, because I have memories
of us when we never fought
and little spots around the island that can
take me back to a time that once was

too many times I can count where your little heart begged for me back
when you knew I could wake up to
an unfamiliar face
for another day
and I know if I gave you a third opportunity to
hand you my heart on an IV and stretcher
only for you to tend to it for a week and
forget it was ever there and make up excuses
as to why you couldn't care for it

so tell me why you cry for me the most on late winter nights
and search for me in your sheets to grasp my last lingering scents
when it was you from the moment I met you
up until the spring solstice
but it was you who couldn't tend to a heart that needed the love in the first place

I searched for your empty touches in menthol cigarettes on nights we'd argue
over why you never had the time for me in the first place
but would drag me out to sea to find all of your shipwrecks you allowed and applauded
when all I wanted to see was the stars above the wrecks

i miss the mask you put on in the summer that faked smiles and affection
but I got the harmful tattered mask you put on for your enemies
I just wanted to take off your masks and see the real you
the one I know is under all of the sadness
the one who I could've loved
maybe you'd understand too if I showed you the masks I burned of my own
but I burned them the day I came to terms that my heart was taken by you

don't you get it?
I'm not coming back
but my heart keeps wanting to drag me through rusty needles
to convince myself you'll let me in
but my heart and brain have the same conversation every day
brain reminds heart about the long nights of crying and heart says she can do it again
but I don't want to
I don't want to be hurt anymore by you
I don't want to be turned down anymore by you
I don't want to be reading your poems about me
When it was you that pushed me away for the third and final time
And expected me to run back with open arms for you to love me for a week and throw me to the side again
And have my friends yell at me again and again for taking you back
'Because I love F more than words can make sense of it'
I can't even finish this without saying I'm done
because it isn't done
because you
won't
free
me
after
you
cut
the
chord
you won't let go
when I said "I'm not going anywhere unless you force me to"
didn't you hear me?
you pushed me away, f.
you pushed me away.

tell me why the word forever scares you when no one else promised you no more than a year
why do you sit in the dark but let the television illuminate the room and entertain the blank canvases you call walls
what scares you more, the thought of me leaving or me yelling at you to wake up

the waves will crash down over the
message in the bottle I will sail out to
sea tomorrow
and the message will entail how I wonder
what mutual love feels like
and how often I play the scenes over in my head of the times I told people I loved them
and blue birds would sing and chase each other around my head and morph into butterflies into my stomach
while they would say they loved me back
and I would wait for the blue birds to move to their head
but I forgive them when you accept
that I may just be unlovable

And when someone finds the bottle
they may find me
for I will wait for someone to love me the way I know I deserve to.

there's a lot to say here
i don't want to write about you anymore
i have been trying to force myself to forget about you
but there are too many seconds in a day and a quarter of that is accidentally dedicated to wondering what it would've been like if we never dated
the other quarter is spent wondering how I got through my days before letting you past the wall I never let anyone through
the rest, surprisingly isn't spent on you. it's spent on things I've worked hard reaching for.
im not going to sit here and blame myself the whole time, and not you either. it was a mutual effort, you know? two very busy, emotionally unavailable, hot headed misery-ridden people trying to get in a relationship was a very silly idea of ours.
I know you and I were meant to be in some stupid way. I wish I didn't believe that. As we always said, timing was everything. We just never got it right.
Yes. I am crazy. I am crazy due to my past. I am crazy out of fear. There is physically nothing I can do to snap out of it. You knew this. I also know that you are afraid of any change, and any commitment scares you. I would apologize for how I am, but that's why you fell in love with me in the first place amongst a few other key factors.
I fell in love with the way your eyes glistened green in the sun and when it was dark out, it was brown. There was never a real in between. I fell in love with your doofy *** smile. I fell in love with the person you faked to be for one and a half months and you turned into a selfish human being shortly there after. I fell in love with your touch and how you would pull me closer to you when we'd be sleeping.
I've known you since the beginning of spring. I still remember the day we locked eyes and the butterflies there after we're crazy. Just hearing your name at the time made me smile. I couldn't tell you why. "Why are you always smiling at me?!" Youd ask. F, I couldn't ever tell you. There was something about you that I wanted. Your heart was mine for a short amount of time.
I remember the day I got mad at you because you were mean to me again and you refused to let me leave at all and kept apologizing and reassuring me that everything was okay. You pulled me as close to you as possible and told me you loved me. I don't remember the last time you did that, babe.
It's all gone now. I want to say, "until next time," but I think that ship sailed. I wish I could say that it was great until the end, but I have never felt worse being in a relationship or partnership that felt like it was consistently hanging on an emotional thread every single day. Like I said, I wasn't forever. I wanted to be. That would've been nice. But I had to go. I had to run. I couldn't continue waking up every day wondering what today will bring me. It's time for me to love myself. I deserve the happiness. And so do you. I know you'll find it. And I know you will read this.
This is my final letter and post about you. Like in that movie I love, eternal sunshine. I am erasing you from my memory. I hope everything works out for you and I hope you find that someone that will satisfy every need I couldn't meet for you.

Goodnight, angel.
-B