I'm searching for your loving gaze
in strangers eyes and shots of *****

I lost the sense of butterflies the day
you told me you didn't know what love was
after telling me days and nights how much you loved me

i don't have any photos from when
we were our happiest together
but that's okay, because I have memories
of us when we never fought
and little spots around the island that can
take me back to a time that once was

too many times I can count where your little heart begged for me back
when you knew I could wake up to
an unfamiliar face
for another day
and I know if I gave you a third opportunity to
hand you my heart on an IV and stretcher
only for you to tend to it for a week and
forget it was ever there and make up excuses
as to why you couldn't care for it

so tell me why you cry for me the most on late winter nights
and search for me in your sheets to grasp my last lingering scents
when it was you from the moment I met you
up until the spring solstice
but it was you who couldn't tend to a heart that needed the love in the first place

I searched for your empty touches in menthol cigarettes on nights we'd argue
over why you never had the time for me in the first place
but would drag me out to sea to find all of your shipwrecks you allowed and applauded
when all I wanted to see was the stars above the wrecks

i miss the mask you put on in the summer that faked smiles and affection
but I got the harmful tattered mask you put on for your enemies
I just wanted to take off your masks and see the real you
the one I know is under all of the sadness
the one who I could've loved
maybe you'd understand too if I showed you the masks I burned of my own
but I burned them the day I came to terms that my heart was taken by you

don't you get it?
I'm not coming back
but my heart keeps wanting to drag me through rusty needles
to convince myself you'll let me in
but my heart and brain have the same conversation every day
brain reminds heart about the long nights of crying and heart says she can do it again
but I don't want to
I don't want to be hurt anymore by you
I don't want to be turned down anymore by you
I don't want to be reading your poems about me
When it was you that pushed me away for the third and final time
And expected me to run back with open arms for you to love me for a week and throw me to the side again
And have my friends yell at me again and again for taking you back
'Because I love F more than words can make sense of it'
I can't even finish this without saying I'm done
because it isn't done
because you
won't
free
me
after
you
cut
the
chord
you won't let go
when I said "I'm not going anywhere unless you force me to"
didn't you hear me?
you pushed me away, f.
you pushed me away.