i am a woman with pain built in.

lighting a candle each night & kneeling before Someone &
waiting &
waiting &
waiting.

removing a bloodied bandage & assessing the damage &
cleaning the wound &
cleaning the wound &
cleaning the wound.

washing down lamictal with stale chai tea &
lacing up my shoes &
lacing up my shoes &
lacing up my shoes.

warming unseasoned lentil soup & crying into the bowl––

i am a woman with pain built in,
ripping myself apart &
stitching the remnants back together
again &
again &
again.

and she emerges, her wings
taking shape into the spring of youth
a crimson butterfly painting with her blood
against your words of expectation.
she is
                 beautiful,       free.
deciding against the whims of men
so intent on criticizing her very nature.

and she becomes the sun, burning brightly with her blade.

One can never truly die
Until the great one
Sings his song
We must keep pushing
Moving
Growing
For there are challenges
Trials and Disparity
Lurking around each corner
We must continue to fight
Each day we must become anew
Touched by the sun’s ever cruel
Gaze

Departures and Arrivals.
The dust hasn't yet settled on the torn up trail behind me.
Particles still linger in my hair, my teeth and in the air
around me like they own me.
I wonder, even though it seems like I've dearly departed, if it
will ever settle and  I don't necessarily expect it to because
maybe it has to sock it to me
so no sweet amnesia can shew away the memories of what it was
that got me here to this place of growing respect for all the
potholes and all the unpaved roads.

Driving in the dark tree monsters slide bye one after the other,
their silent dialogue giving me the shivers like so many other
things in the world do,
cold sweat running down my face as the  car rattles and  the
music stops and there's only the sound of dripping rain. Tears,
like rain aren't separate  from  sweat.
They're constanly recycling  and bleeding into one another like
night bleeds into day. I get that and I even love that because where
does hardship go if  not to tears?

Stuffing grief into the cracks of the bodymind is a recipe for sick. I get
that too. People may tell ya to take a pill, have a swig, do anything to
bully your discomfort away but you sense
and you know that you sense and only you can sense what it is you
have to do. So you keep on going because what has drinking  the
sweet numbing  Koolaide ever done for ya anyway?

And it's a relief to come out of the comatose to watch the rose-gold
sunrise coming up over your landscape as your gears shift on the
broken hill of this awakening;
laser sharp beams of light gutting the nonsense out of ya, your feet
touching down onto solid  ground  and you feeling shaky but all
aglow in your skin
and this departure is telling every cell in your body that you have arrived.
There will be other departures and other arrivals, other days and other
nights but for now,
in this moment you have arrived and you don't give a **** about and
you're almost grateful for the dust and the  particles and the freaky
and the the not so freaky  fallout hovering over ya like a halo

1/2020

The taint of my love
Slips out to touch his pure heart
With corruption
Seeing the darkness fill him,
And shatter what we built,
I am purified in the horror
Of what I'd become.

A running stream of consciousness
flows into the meadows
The bright and green made brightest by the sun
Blooms, flowers, bushes and bugs exist together here

When the large hand Death comes
With its dirt, dry fingers twists the stream of the spout off shut

Goodbye to the freshly flowing water, and blooms and flowers
bushes and the bugs
Sweet dreams to sweet consciousness
Forever and always

Elderberry drinks

Soft footsteps
Emerald green rug
Ornate.

Roasted garlic caramelized
Subtle and buttery
Once pungent and sharp

Flowers as centerpieces
Tulips emblematic of spring
Rebirth

Yet. I’m stuck sipping
On this drink
Thinking of you

And the joints of the floorboards
Rubbing together

Before i met you, i thought i knew love;
that warm cozy feeling that comes from a hug
Before i met you, i thought i knew heartbreak;
when you sob on the floor and your fingers shake
i had myself convinced i’d never be happy,
i searched for any love that might make me sappy
Before i met you i ignored my oblivion…
oblivion.
oblivious to who i was, i created a mask.
a mask to cover a personality i knew nothing about,
a mask to hide all the feelings i wanted to ask.
i tried to fit in with the girls who were loved,
longing for attention, but aside i was shoved.
Before i met you i feared the world,
like every other lonely 14 year old girl.
Before i met you i feared who i was and who i could be;
feared their opinions and who might not like me.
i had heard plenty of love songs, before i met you
and told myself junior high love was real, an excuse to feel blue.
When i met you i needed no excuse,
you taught me to let all of my emotions loose.
my happiness and sadness were, like my name, and deep and free ocean,
you taught me love and you enhanced every emotion.
i found myself in your dark brown eyes,
within them i could see limitless skies.
your big happy smile i’ll never forget,
your whole being is something i’ll never regret.
when i met you came sadness and true love,
a lesson about heartbreak  and laughter sent from above.
my angel sent to teach me things school never could,
never thought i’d fall in love, though with you, i would.
i knew you were bad for me from the moment we met,
but curiosity killed the cat, so with you i went.
Now since i met you, “thank you for loving me” is all i can think,
as blood, sweat, and tears all pour down the sink.
But since i met you, i wear no mask,
within you, i found myself, no more questions to ask.
Since i met you, i don’t long for attention,
in my head i remember the help you would mention.
Since i met you, i no longer fear their opinions,
they’re all sheep anyway, society’s minions.
Since i met you i don’t even listen to love songs,
each love is different i write my own to rips of bongs.
Before i met you, i didn’t know how to care,
since i met you, i learned that’s because caring is so rare.
So thank you for teaching me the greatest life lesson,
not every person we meet is meant to be a blessin’