I have given up every single noon
In the past few months,
And have gone to bed tired,
Wondering if I ever should feel,
What is the meaning as I start to weep?
Tears stain my cheeks,
The corner of my eyes red,
Swollen like petals folded out,
I stared out into the dark
And I saw darkness staring at me.
I asked my friend yesterday
What was the meaning of my life?
She never answered.

I saw adults fight,
I saw one scream,
And the other one kept on hitting.
I saw a blood pumped boy
Pull out an accessory sword
And wield it to ****.
I saw a young girl
Kneeling to God
And I saw her sister follow
But she gave up soon,
When she was touched by a man
She never even knew.

I saw hope burn up into flames
And I saw a veteran die blind in bed
All alone.
I saw the poor man dying in an empty stomach
Without his wife on his bedside
Who went out feeding strangers.
And I saw the rich rob people
Of their dignity.
I saw a father slapping his sick child
Because the medicines hadn't kicked in.
I saw a mother corrupted by cancer
As she prayed to heal others.
I saw a son grow to hate his father
And yet needing him.
I saw a daughter being failed
Even though she was the only one trying.
I saw a grown girl cover her eyes
To hide from her father.
I saw chairs flung onto the floor,
I saw glass smashed by bare hands,
I saw utensils fall into each other
And I saw quiet men enraged.
And I don't think
I ever once saw Him.

Yet I woke up this very morning
And for a few seconds
I couldn't make out my room,
And in that oblivion I realized
Hope wasn't in the good,
The happy moments
It was in the denial, the ignorance,
It was in the wait to die
And yet living.

The last three days were hammer on a nail,
A nail that doubt planted.
You went thud thud thud
And the nail burnt a hole in my heart.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
I moved not an inch,
I gloried at the sight of blood
That sipped to validate my fear.
Thud thud thud.

I was clamped up in terror and pain
For months past now,
Words I counted before sending them on.
You scoffed at them
And wielded the first thud
You screamed at me
Two nights back.
I smiled and fainted to a sleep
That lasted until you dragged the hammer
With a screech,
The nail rusted a bit with my blood
But it stayed.
Thud.

I grasped my words tight to my throat
Only muttering a handful of them now,
You played with your other tools
And I happened to see a weapon in them all.
A sharp edged knife,
A gun with bullets,
A cannon from a war,
I was crouched in a ball
Still looking at you.
Thud. Thud. Came the second blow
You whistled at a bird across.
The nail bent a little to the right
And made it far beneath my skin.
The blood now formed a wall,
Like concrete and bricks
Blood and rust.
Thud thud.

I shivered between sleep and wake,
Flinching as you dragged your hammer,
A bolder screech across the wall,
Like your voice before you speak.
And then as if a habit
You raised your arm
And dropped was the hammer
On the nail,
Thud thud thud, the last blow you made.
You said how I was made to mend,
By a hammer in your hand.
The nail tore to my bones
And lodged itself as a note.
The hammer ringed in my head,
Blood didn't flow like sleep out of my bed.
I cried in silence
And was gone unlike before.
You dragged your hammer still,
I know.
Thud thud thud.
It rings,
You were hammering my memories.
Thud thud thud.
I was gone now.
Thud thud thud. Stop.

There is a nail lodged in me
But that will be all,
Thud thud thud
I walk on.
Stop.

I was high up, flying.
So I took the lights
On the land as
                         Stars.

But I cannot make out
From where came the lightning?

Maybe he was staring at my back,
I didn't wish to know for sure,
I couldn't wait to get in the car and go.
The heat the same.
The streets empty
Like my heart,
Calmer this way.
(Silence)

A festival,
Men and kids in long shirts,
Black and white,
Their smiles defind the excitement
I fail to feel these days.
Children ran in the cafe
And at the gate.
(Rough edges)

On our way,
A scene in the passing only,
So forgive me I can' t say
What happens in the end,
But then again would it matter,
I failed,
And now, so will you.
(Questions.)

A cluster of motorised Rickshaws,
A white sedan with one man
Inside.
A small crowd,
Nothing unusual.
-An observation of a grown mind.
One relatively huge man,
Huge of muscles,
Probably in his late twenties
Or early thirties,
Stood holding the door,
The man in the white car
With his hand on the wheel,
Their faces a scrunched up paper,
A raging frown,
Up too close I would have ran,
From far,
I could almost feel both of their
Heartbeats.
I could read the story of the man in white
Matching his car,
I was worried
How could he possibly describe
His ***** face, blue eyes
To his daughter too grown
To be fooled with a lie
Of fighting dragons.
Or to his son, whose mirror
Would now own a scar.
How do we a grow up,
With all the mess of knowing
A little too much?
His left hand holding his phone,
The muscled man was pulling him out now.
(Was there red?)


( I am sorry).

I try to spit my heart out
To the side of my bed,
Double over and ***** out the memories
Every time I think of you,
So that every time the door opens
It wipes into a bigger score,
When we tried to be good to you,
Remember but, we were not.

And I wonder how
How do we fail so gloriously
When we see the hurt
As clear as the oversized neon signs,
Piling over each other
Over bulky building
Crafted with fragile glass
And sharp corners,
Rusted bars colored twice.

We try to save a few
But **** so many,
We make wider roads
"Four ******* lanes" we boast,
But we tear down homes.
And every time I served you
I thought of your brothers
We stole you from
And I pray they be good
But how will they
Since you were gone?

And I stare at butterflies with awe
But run from the worms,
They make me itch and swell
I cannot help,
And I know, I know
Why we fail so gloriously
And yet try so miserably
To save others.
Why, did you ever see the sorrow
In the sky when she pours
To refill the oceans she emptied,
And we dare to think
We will save others
To save ourselves.

And all that I remember
Is that it was I who killed you.

Four stacks spaced out,
The biggest with waves of curtains
The third with books,
The fourth had my shoes.
The top most out of my reach.
My father and brother
Would stack them in
But I climbed on a chair
And threw some covers in.

That same chair
Black with wheels
My father thought I will study in
Ran over my right foot
Last my sister was here.
As she examined it, I learnt
My sister had finally become
The woman she studied for.
The chair now nurses a few ***** laundry.

Last evening my right foot
Became useless
When I stubbed my left
On the corner of the bed
I laughed at the irony
That I had no perfect foot
To compare the new acquired deformity.
I rubbed some ice
And decided to not speak of my injuries.

The first injury I flaunted here
Was from unwrapping a new knife,
My father realized then
That probably I won't make it alone.
So he then cut off pieces
Of papers and cloth
To place in the closet.
I received in total six major cuts.
The last closet, I arranged by my myself.

The other room in this new house
Made some funny noises,
I checked it out myself
And spoke to my mother after
But I didn't mention it to her.
She doesn't call me in the mornings
To wake me up now,
My father waits till it's eleven,
And my sister during her drive to work.

I start conversations with my brother now,
I see the words we speak same,
And he asks of me.
I have a friend too
I confessed love for
And he did too.
And I am happy,
I declare, I sing.
Yet I have tears on my cheeks.

I do not understand this
I am getting everything
I fought for.
And having it all
I can't help but anticipate
The day it will all be taken away.
Why do I realize now
That happiness isn't real
Only the yearning of the same is.