tiny little Thing,
the size of a bean,
Your Life in my hand.
the power of Your presence,
forever my life lesson:
teaching me who i am.
despite the soul i returned,
from earth to heaven,
i feel part way forgiven.
Your spirit lives on,
in my humble pursuits
to dream, to smile, to be strong.
in this new life i was given:
some days I'm lost on the breeze,
others are breathless and reverent.
Always thankful,
always penitent
for the life I so foolishly took.
With love that is Yours
Always honoring this day,
when it was I who was born.


*In memory of 3 September 2009

The night is thick.
Far away a train,
drumming its way out of town,
In the dead silence of darkness;
My breath frosty in the air,
underneath this weeping tree -
I whisper to the shadows:
secrets, truths, my love for thee.

The passion and desire from the days of absence
The fever of the return,
The desire only fed by her
Wept within his sleeping eyes.
He’d enter with softness
And there he would keep her,
Until it was time to leave her.

And days would go by,
He’d be filling her space secretly,
Willing himself to release her.
Then after hours and days
He’d tap lightly at her door,
Look deeply into her eyes
And stole the life from within her.

Finally he broke
And the truth he spoke.
When he left again, she lay there
Helpless and cold upon an empty room floor.

I've seen the truth in the darkest places,
And I've learnt that anything could happen.
It's never what we think it is,
Even if we have all we need.
In the mornings' finest hour,
We were stripped of each other.
There I discovered it's gonna be okay,
As I watched you silently slip away.


And it's never what it seems,
Because anything can be.

the way Your eyes stroke my heart
in the moments of our silence.
a gentle storm of unsaid hurts
pressing against our bodies:
all the while i forgive it all,
i love You more, more, so much  more


You walked away the next day
using my soft feet to take You
through the thorns and rocks,
through the shattered shards of hope:
a trail of unwanted love
stealing my tears one-by-one.


and maybe, maybe i'm just bad.
bad for tracing Your smile
with my lips; with my soul.
because i can't let You sail
while my skin feels You:
touching Me in ways words are never true.

every touch you gave
like icy water kissing my toes
aching in my legs into my heart.
every word strangling my throat
like a suicide rope.

your voice an earthquake in my veins.
an inability to comprehend
the truths you strung;
ripped through my calm composure
and i shattered the silence with my pain.

my desire to lash out and destroy you,
choked us like gas fumes.
you had chained my body
and watched as my heart died:
with each atomic lie.

i stared; i listened; i yelled:
my truths slapping your face,
like an angry mother's hand.
i snarled at your spilling tears,
fruitless in softening me.

Because, I stared into your eyes,
no shift driven towards your core
despite your cries and your betrayal;
treating me like i couldn't possibly,
ever in your eyes, be worth so much more.

So far away now,
mountains and oceans apart.
but I can feel your heart:
its pounding in ecstasy,
its sleeping beats.
Every move you make
flutters here like a leaf-
enough to rustle my heat.
Smallest images betray
the places of your feet
as you journey further from me.
No distance has yet torn us
of the binding chords
of the invisible love and lust.
Despite the torment
of the hurtful beds
you now carry me into.
I twist myself around
hoping to escape this
and run out of sensations:
of your every touch, every pulse, every kiss
which you give another
some place I've never asked to be.
I wish you would really leave me.

you won't seek
you won't try
you never wanted me
to happen in your life.


you won't come
you won't go
just to keep me
as someone you know.


you won't shout out
you won't reach out
to grab my slipping
presence you never wanted about.


you won't carefully hold
the massive heart so full
of the friendship and ease
that was forever our push and pull.


you won't open up to see
that standing here is only me
with no other quests
than hoping you're eternally free.


you won't choose this
you won't choose me
you may turn one day sadly
wondering why you miss,
why you wouldn't choose this.

Toe pirouettes kissing the water's face,
I follow the river's ebb.
My eye stretching to its horizon:
beyond it, I let my heart go...

Rushing immeasurably across unknowns,
wondering if it will find what it dreams:
this sunshine, this breeze,
washing quietly over me.

I'm glowing in God's spotlight.
Souls' diamonds in my eyes!
Breath deepened and arms splayed beneath
tall grass and willow trees;
hopes floating to the skies:
spirit set free!

/
                         I

I woke up this morning: pale, blue dawn - winter comes.
The sound of your breath all around me, lingering.
Your warmth, tucked beside me.
My eyes fluttering while rolling over -
                                                               You are not there, of course.

Slowly the blinking - the glare of daylight;
Slowly the silence - warning: it's too early.
Quickly the snuggle against a pillow barricade:
Like a jolting disturbance - dreaming resumes.
                                                               Faint shivers, warm touches fading.


Sleep numbs the world into safety once more.


                                   II

A gloomy afternoon, pouring rain,
the smell of wet streets, coolly pressing my skin.
I tug the fleece over nodding muscles: gone.
Then -
                                                                ­an echoing ripping me into the falling rain.

A voice that is yours in subconsciousness-
I hear you within these walls: my heart pounds.
Sleep ruptured and dreams dissolve;
You are not here amongst the rain:
                                                           ­     And, I am not soaked because of the downpour outside.


                                   III

There's no one here.
Just a bird beyond the window.

Where are you, then?
You used to be here, I recall.
Or were you...
                                                          ­      were you ever really here at all?


                                   IV
Some days are like this:
awakening, reaching for your hand;
slumbering wears off with each blinking second:
And I forget you inside fading dreams.
I get up to face my days,
                                                           ­     feeling like there is no one I miss.                                                     \

Too soon did things blow away:
with the wind went the truth.
And certainty remained lost,
to the dark morning hours:
A place my heart bloomed for you
and later burned 'til black and blue.

Careful


Too easily did the river run dry
with endless weeks of searing tears,
ripping open the agonies of love
unrequited, weaved in shadows:
The torment of which all hopes are soiled.
Beaten by lies of secrets well toiled.

Realistic


Too fatefully did the soul shrivel
under the brutal lashings of Unwant:
carving hollows into the passions,
dredging the unworthy pangs deeper.
To the bottom of the world without light,
one may find a BROKEN HEART without fight.

**Human

Dream Talker, wordless in sunlight;
timeless truths in unconscious hours:
Where are you?
Where is your heart?

Are your mumblings of affection benign?
Or is your soul fighting-
fighting to be released from your mind.

You are the flame ignited by the sun,
before Dawns' scent merges with the horizon.

You are the darkness which numbs,
and the silence that deafens.

As you slumber beside me,
you stir a well of words through your breath:
A speech for no one but for Love.

I wanted to see flowers open for me;
I wanted to see treasures within this sea;
I wanted to hope with my eyes closed;
I wanted all lies with new hand disposed.

Like a fool,
I believed in everything that already deceived;
And in my hope you retrieved
                                                 final breath of love seeded within me,
                                                 stealing life as though it were for the taking:
                                                 In this revelation I am lifeless and forsaken.

And no flowers in beauty will greet,
no treasures spill at my feet.
My eyes flutter in darkened skies,
while my heart cracks with decades of lies.

So undeserving in my lighted embrace,
So undeserving to behold this broken face,
So undeserving to steal my heart beats:
So undeserving am I, of these cruel defeats.

You are all the demons of my nightmares,
You are the epitome of one who cannot care.
You are the lost one, among stars who cries:
The one who burns love with stealthy, inhumane lies.

Like a fire crackling
despite the wash out,
despite the torrential storm
despite there being no flames...

Like a wave crashing
despite there being no rock,
despite no shoreline,
despite there being no ocean

No things that live
can move in your wake
can breathe in your space
can look upon your face.

There is no vision
for something unreal
for something a lie
for conscious-less souls.

Like a man in skin
despite the brazen force
despite the greed
despite that which deceives life.

There's a pounding in my head
breaking down my thoughts.
You carelessly step
in the silent space of mine.
Crushing through my images
A pathway to my soul.

In your attempt to withhold
you tore down my walls:
Nothing left to lean on
and no escape from the lies you told.
Deep inside my silent mind
there's a drumming of your fears.

And my diversions take me no where:
a river which flows too deep,
of emotion you wish to drink;
or a road so dark and lonely
only tears give me comfort.
Because you pushed me to my edge.

Upon the ledge of pain I see
a landscape covered in carnage:
deceit and betrayal burn the hope,
scorched and charred my view.
There can be no forgiveness
until millennia heal this stench.

As my eyes wonder to yours,
moist with guilt and hatred,
my sorrow turns to rage:
Because even then you fail to try.
Instead I find within
A silent whispering echo: "These too are lies."

My heart overruns the pounding head
with a racing heart on fire.
I'm burnt and broken inside these thoughts,
which wonder aimlessly.
Some days I look out to the world,
wondering when I'll be done with you.

I thought I could
just this one time
in my very innocent life
be entirely fine
with giving what is mine
for a tiny moment.
But instead my heart questions
a million things in my mind
and it becomes hard to find
what I need inside
to be bitterly kind
in this confusing time
where no clear light will shine.
And to the eyes looking back
with the cheek against my thigh
in the aftershock I sigh
relieved of my trapped lie;
now free with the tears I cry
invisible to your eye.
I cannot question Why;
and What begins to deny
that which How already let die:
I’m my own mirror of solitude.
The emptiness I feel
is the space where you do not go.
And slowly, I begin to know
sooner or later this will show.

There’s a gentle sway of tenderness in the eyes of the Stranger;
Matching the rhythm of the vast blue waters stretching,
a panoramic view:
I glide across their surface,
peacefully soaking up the pleasure of their pulsation.

I push myself under the wave,
gripping the shifting sands,
blindly releasing all my life force;
I balance my mortal body beneath:
The silence rescues my heart’s noise,
making it easier not to breathe.

My eyes squeeze shut in this vacuum.
But all the while light dances like a flapping butterfly in shock:
Displaying colours erratically behind my eyelids.
The world we cannot see, simply cannot exist.

In my ears there lingers no thought,
My heart feels no fear in this.
All my limbs are lifted from me,
And there is a Stillness all around:
Beneath this rocking sheath
My secrets to the world I give to keep.

We can never undo what we’ve done;
retrace the steps we took.
We can never unknot the choice
binding conscience and soul forever.
We can never rewind the moments
allowing us to betray our Hearts.

I cannot forget those seconds
before All became torn apart.


And though the pain begs in me
to find all the beauty of life;
live and dance for my present moments-
I cannot be rid of the emotion:

Haunting the corridors of my mind
in waking, breathing minutes of every passing day.


We cannot reclaim the loss
of a life we so easily denied.
We can never replace the heartbeat
of a person we will never know.
We can never begin to imagine
just how wonderful it could really have been:

Because we never embraced the opportunity
to allow Beauty to enfold us sweetly.


Though Rationality tries to calm me,
soothing the unforgiving feelings,
I never seem to escape the Hurt
lingering so deeply in my ribcage:

thoughts and aches recurring,
telling me this was my biggest Mistake.

The floor is warm.
Outside is still for once.
Notes of French accordions
swirl in my ears’ soul.
And there is a lost expression
searching for the tears within
that say: “You never meant  a thing.”


Surging with unexpressed frustration
the Pain comes alive;
Reporting that all activity
points to a truth I’m terrified to see.
My mind drags itself around these walls;
only to return to the centre of it all.

Within four walls there is no escape.
I cannot allow myself release,
until I see the sunshine of my truth.
Every 12 months it comes to this:
Now I have no reason to feel or believe
this might ever be any other way.

The bed is too far for comfort;
The world unknown to me for refuge.
My company is sliced open
with dreams of you telling my heart
its better this way for now:
All this time the dead trees
flower with soft, cold snow.

My leaves float in this autumn
Sprouting colours of seasons past.
And I hold your hand here,
One more time.

Lounging in the watery sunshine,
I nod off into the peace
Of sheer exhaustion;
The cat purring his comfort.

I see moons hanging
Beyond the shadow of your sunshine.
My breathing stirring windless
Spaces once shared.

There will be rain soon
In this barren sky of ours.
Giving life to the dormant,
in these desert hearts.

Shared and gathered, like nesting chicks
In a feathered house of closeness,
I am growing wings
From our brushed lyrics.

I dug a hole
with a spoon.
Stainless steel twists of
Pain.
The Earth piling into heaps,
like mountains of weight.

I lit the candle,
placed it in Earth.
I began the second hole:
Cradle
for the seed,
the ‘could-have-been’.

Scribbled some words,
Folded the page-
Muddy, smudged:
Tears
from the jawline,
clutched, into the ground.

Marked the bulbous
round of the spoon-
Tombstone.
Grief drizzled grave,
sized for fit.
Softly closing the wound.

It doesn’t matter if you cry
into the sea.
It almost makes sense:
War and love entangled here
in her lapping waves.

So beautiful and ugly
her alluring effect
reminds of the will to live,
coupled with the will to give up,
in silent calamity:
                                          to die.

Her coldest moment,
the calm sway of her shore
makes the tired body quench-
Desire for such nourishment,
is the ultimate.

Paint the ocean purple with
bruises left from punching moments -  
little pains of life,
turbulent winds
in forced water hurricanes;
My fist sweats
in panicked knot.

The beads form a necklace
strangled the breath.
Pupils dilatedin frozen memory
of the sand’s grains parted
through The arrival:
Birthed raw into earth’s womb.

Flapping and panting like beating,
mouths gaping bewildered
in the urgent call.
The pits within swirl,
crazed by the addiction
pulsing in my middle earth.

There will be no little hand
Curled around my thumb,
No soft mouth suckling
In hungry thirst.
I will never kiss your cheek
Or miss you when you’re out to play.
There will not be a card coloured
Wishing Happy Mother’s Day.
There will be no soft little smell
Wrapped in my arms and soul,
No bright pure eyes gazing
At the world to meet.
No plasters for your falls
Or stories boundlessly shared.

There will be no mother in me for you,
But not because I never cared.

The fall.
Tinges of orange sunset
hanging on branch ends-
Life smiled there,
in sunshine beams
through summer’s lovers eyes.
Shades fading.
The dark luminous
in icy, vacant skies
filled with souvenirs
life time’s gone,
slipping ******* between.

Days vanish.
Hours grow short.
Heart’s hopscotch through
tears long since dried.
Green turning gold
riches brimming with laughter.

You articulate in swift flight, confidence soaring,
plenitude of words, justly convincing.
Floating on breathless wind between here and there.
Fumbling with sense, coherence of purpose
between twisted bed sheets, whispering pillows;
In the freeze frame static of moonless nights.

I feel the yearning burn towards hoping truth
in a splintering fire against which I warm;
crackling up all your feathers, and concord.
In the daylight you scatter ordinance together,
recklessly aspiring to repair undoing damage:
Wings stunted irrevocably through flailing flighted dreams.

Unknown weighted obstacles glide courageously in hurtled silence,
sideways across the cool air of this post-nested room;
Waiting for gold and diamonds to appear, glorified.
The slightest movement uttered punctures you,
a soggy blown balloon squirting off these walls-
dexterity lays useless on this love-laden floor.

I stare at you spewed inanimately,
like splattered spaghetti in a fitting rage,
across the boards of our echoing abode.
Depths of sightlessness reveal tentatively:
There exists no place for a soul
on the unstable face of the dead.

Just a disappointment

I don't hate,
It’s just wasteful-
Breathing in
and never breathing out.

The space is empty
with crammed tug-of-wars
dragging my heart,
Heart dragging months.

I don't think
any less or worse-
Character undefined. Always repetitive.
Bored of the ****
pulling over old paintings;
Same as yesterday,same as before.

I don't cry
for actions cowardly
shunted inwards;
Explosion due released.
The shedding tears,
carving maps upon lips,
design attention
inward reaps deliverance.

I don't hurt
for lacking sensitivity-
desire for one embellished
with lapping present conviction.
The same minuscule point,
returned again and again-
Intentions to change;
Stairwell to nowhere.