Jesus Jesus
I need thee so
Jesus Jesus
Never let me go
So far ahead
That I leave you behind
So filled with dread that I change my mind

Let me be your echo
Til the end of time
You came to save our soul
Each and every time

Creation gives glory
Let me give you praise
I will never be finished
Even at the end of my days

Hallelujah fills the heavens
And we echo your worship
In this place
My body the temple
Filled with your praise

The day is coming soon darling
I'll be waiting right here
My heart will be changing
'Til the day you draw near

I am putting us
to Song and Dance.
A melody for pain,
A chorus of chance.

Your actions replay
in the refrain.
I see myself again,
crying in the rain.

We sit and have coffee,
I kiss your child.
But I relive the tragedy,
to put it mild.
Heartbreak and angst,
but we're healthy and whole.
What will writing this testimony,
do to my soul?

I need a breath
of fresh air.
I need to feel that
you are here.
I need to be
changed.
I need you
now.

Lord, heal
my heart.
Let me know
it's alright.
Give me the
strength to
keep going.
Keep smiling.
Keep growing.

I do not feel anything
is right
On the inside of
me.
Change me.
Rearrange me
Help me to see
the way you
see.
me.

If these walls could sing

They should want to sing only of you.

They would harmonize only with your name,

As I've found it makes the sweetest tune.



If these walls could sing for me,

and I have asked them to,

They should sing so free

of the time I first saw you.


When these walls sing

the crooning captivates my mind.

Telling the world how you love me

and how you're all mine.



When these walls sang

I had a heart made of fire

I danced without music

I never felt higher.



Why won't these walls sing?

Why are they so tired.

Walls have never seemed more dreary.

Since you've left and taken my fire.

Am I happy?
I couldn't do this on my own
Am I happy
Still walking alone
Do the days drag on
Do I wish them gone
Do I mourn those I have not met
Am I waiting to forget
It won't be cured by leaving
It won't be cured by staying
If you find my words deceiving
All I'm really saying
Is I need more than what I'm after
I need You to fill my soul
There is no happily ever after
Unless You, I behold.

There's a thirst deep within
A hunger unsatisfied
My chest beating wildly
My eyes shining brightly

I'll never know if its filled
I'll never know if its met
But the idea that it will
Is the grandest idea I have had yet.

Let's be careful.
Not to wade in our emotions
Not to swim through the past.
Let's be careful.
To **** the memories of moments
That don't need to last.

Let's be careful
To lean into what is brand new.
To focus on our hearing.
To protect our new found view.

Let's be careful.
Love has to be cultivated.
Let's be careful
To love what we once hated.

I don't have religion
I have a relationship
with God.
The God who took my broken life
and transformed it into the most
magical story.

The story of a girl falling in love,
with a man who was 100% percent God
But in the flesh.
He is love personified.
He is the definition of everything she searched for
In every story, movie, song,
and poem.
He equaled the sum of all the parts
that just did not make sense.
He took her pain and turned it into
bars of gold.
He redeemed her.
He saw her.
He adopted her.

And wherever she went...
there He was.
Redeeming
Seeing
Adopting.
Making stories
out of moments that most would find
merely adequate.
He made poetry,
out of her pain.
He made sunshine
out of rain.

And she was never again
the same.

Thought it feels I'm trudging through the desert land
You've never left.
Left to die upon this island.
Still you've never left.
Drowning in a sea of sin.
You threw me a raft.
I left the world you found me in
So the first could become the last.
You never judged my failing ways.
You never ridiculed me or laughed.
When I felt less than deserving
You gave up your Son that I might know you at last.
Closer than the sun rays upon my skin
Closer than my past.
You breathe life into all of me again.
And you never look back.

I made an idol out of love.
Romanticized
Theorized
But never came out above.
The tumultuous sea
of emotions in me
that waged war
on your shores
Beat continuously against you,
the beach.

I thought that's what love was.
Passion.
Fire.
Dancing.
Idols.

I burnt out bright
smoldering ash in the night.
And when I cooled,
realized I was fooled.
Because the only true love there is,
is Light.

You are real.
So real.
Flesh and bone.
Made with me in mind.
Made with destiny in mind.
Made with the Kingdom in mind.

You are going to be mine.
What an honor.
What a privilege.
What a reason to praise
Jesus.

You are everything I have prayed for.
You are more than everything I prayed for.
You are surprising to my hope.
You are the best friend I could ever ask for.
You...look...like...Jesus.
You make me look like more like Jesus.
And you're here.
You're coming.
To me...here.

And I won't have to run.
I won't be afraid.
For long.
I won't mess it up
And you won't be like them.

This will be a new love.
This will be God's plan.
This will be love.

The world could never hope to burn out this flame,
A passion, your love.
You won for me.
You know my name.

You have never stopped reaching,
even when I returned.
You beckoned my heart higher,
For fullness your Spirit yearned.

You lavished affection
on a broken heart.
You told stories of romance,
that shot light into the dark.

When I thought that I knew you,
You educated me still.
When I thought it could go no deeper,
you opened up a well.

You will never change,
despite my wayward heart.
You charge us to usher heaven,
you champion all our less than parts.

Your love will reign forever,
all creation knows your name.
The king of Victory,
King of Heaven,
King of Glory,
You will always reign.

The very breath that created us, is still speaking.
God.
Above us. Around us. Within us.
He listens. He speaks. We wait.
The voice that changes everything.
Breathing on all that He created.
Breathing Fresh Life. Breathing New mercies. Breathing LOVE.

Oh to be loved by such a wonderful God.
That He would look upon the stained face of a sinner,
and SEE HIMSELF.
He never gave up on me.
He never cast me aside.
HE NEVER ABANDONS.
In fact, he runs after one
Leaving the 99

If you don’t know this Creator.
Get ready.
His heart is beating for you.
All of Creation is worshipping
HIS NAME
The name that gives LIFE
The name that IS LOVE.
The name that is above –
All other names.

JESUS.
Jesus.
JESUS!

He isn't your typical Dad.
He knows my every thought,
My every ache,
My wounds.
And He didn't create any of them.

No, in fact He heals.
He takes my broken places
and he puts them back together.
Actually, He makes them even better.
He takes what wasn't so beautiful
and makes a masterpiece.

He is what everyone wishes they had.
In fact, He's there for all of them too.
I love Him, because He loved me first.
Yes, He loved me at my worst.
He has never left me for a moment.
Now, who has ever heard of a love like that?

Life has changed so much.
I haven't written as often as I would like,
and I can't tell whether that is good or bad.
I just know that it is.
And I'm learning I'm not ready for you.
An epic to behold in front of me,
and I would rather stay in the Shire.
I am not yet the hero you may need.

Even those words probably show how unready I am.
For if I have learned anything, it isn't that you need a hero.
It isn't that I "need to be" something before we meet.
I need to be all about Someone before you come along.
Yes, I need to be Consumed.

I cannot fake that.
I cannot concoct that.
Conjure it.
It is up to me, but I cannot get there without
authenticity.

I can't wait to share that brilliance with you.  
The light.
The magic
of all that God is to us.
We're gonna have a dreamy time together.  
I just know it.

So,
I have to go get ready now.
See you some time.
Hopefully soon.

Love,
me.

I'm still hidden.
You've convinced me
this life is worth livin.
Out of all those taking,
I'll still be one giving.
Your life is the life
I hope they see me living.

We are not in love.
We are not the Jim and Pam of our time.
we are not poetry in motion,
or any kind of rhyme.
You and I are just
You. and. I.
And it makes sense to me now.
Right now...I believe it.
But when you smile at me.
Dull life lights up and I believe,
You just might mean it.
That my day dreams
could be
reality.
That you could be
with me
Who would believe it?

If the beginning of love is a smile,
I should do it more often.
I have been trying to love.
Love so freely
Those I do not love.
To smile upon the face of cruelty.
So sweetly.
To be free.
I think I will smile.
For a while.

Have I strayed?
Didn't I notice you were there.
Didn't I hear you call my name?
Are you there?

I have forgotten about your fame...
your love for me that endures forever.
My only request be made,
Jesus, please stay the same forever.

Even these words become about something else.
But it's just you.
Jesus.
It's only ever been you.

Oh, dear one-
I write to you from this place,
this place that I don't love...
There are so many things I'm waiting for,
you being but one.
And I often trace the wait back to my character,
my heart, my impatience.
And I have learned this isn't correct.
This is just a guessing game.
An attempt to have all the answers-
Which you, more than anyone, will know some day.
I don't want all the answers.
I want to seek the one with the answers.
And lately I've been distracted.
I've been filled with doing things, watching things, wishing for things.
But it's better than before.
I do these things with God.
Not hide them from Him.
And I'm growing.
It's painful, but free.
And someday, you will get to see...
the beauty of grace
the power of transformation.
The kindness of God.
I cannot wait to be loved by you.
But first, I am still learning to be loved by Him.
And in the end, we'll merge those two loves into One...
as we are one.
What a gloriously sweet day that will be.
See you then.

Like a river
Doubts and fear wash over me.
But you are a ship
With a life preserver
Pulling me from the depths of the sea.

I am set free.

I went on a date,
that felt like a thousand happy moments in one.
I went on a date,
and a week later I've still only gone on the one.
I went on a date,
and I've learned he doesn't have to be the one.
He isn't the answer to my problems.
Or anything more than a friend, either.

I went on a date,
and I learned some things about myself,
I probably couldn't have learned any other way.

I went on a date,
and a week later
God is chasing all my fears away.

I went on a date,
something I wasn't sure I would ever again get to say.

What I breathe in
you have just breathed out.
When I give in
You give out.
When I withhold
You hold me in
your arms.
When I'm too bold
You keep me from harm.
When I let go,
You are never very far.

Your presence is perfection.
I'm happy to be here again.
When my mind was clouded and distant,
I couldn't feel you on my skin.
I'm so thankful for these moments,
you remind me of the life you put me in.
The very breath of Heaven,
living inside my skin.
Take my thoughts,
Take my heart,
and make them like You again.

Oh this continuous trial,
Will have to fade.
I have put my faith in You.
I will live another day.
I can see the dawn is rising,
the darkness fades.
Your light is everlasting,
and shines upon my face.

There are days where I do not know
Anything but, "I love you, Lord."
And when it seems I can't bear it most,
I turn to you Oh, Lord.
I am not perfect.
I am a mess.
But I am complete.
In Christ the one who rescued me.

I may have never shared with you,
what a wretch I was.
The dependency on drugs,
selling them to my friends,
the unforgivable, explicit activities...
you can guess where I'm going with this.
Then there were the wretched things done to me.
That I did not choose.
And I let them all eat away at my soul.
I let a prison become erected around my heart.
I hired guards.
I took new inmates.
And developed strict programs and policies...
We never allowed visitors at my prison.
I remember laying awake at night crying
more than I remember lovely stories from my childhood.
I remember dreaming happy things would happen that
just
never did.

And then I really met Jesus.
Not in the way I met Him when I was 12 years old.
At 12, He was the promise that I wouldn't burn in Hell.
At 22, He became the man who called me by my very own name and beckoned me into a world full of Light.
And I haven't looked back.
I'm not going to look back, except to tell you how dark it really was.
Because I know what it is to feel death.
I know what it is to stay high every day
because life is unbearable.
I know what it is to believe there is a God,
but not know how to reach Him.
I know what it's like to think you aren't
worth it.

BUT YOU ARE.
You are worth dying for in Jesus' eyes.
Can you picture that?
A man who finally loves everything about you
so much so
that He did everything He could
to set you free.
Now you just have to want it.
You have believe you can be free.
Take a good look at where you are.
Now ask yourself, "Am I truly free?"

If your life is anything like what mine used to be...
you aren't.
My heart is breaking for yours.
I know you are out there.
I know you want freedom.
You have to know,
God wants you to have it
more.

Dear California,
We must be meant to be.
I hear songs about you,
and I know they're sung just for me.
And in the night of waiting,
I long to be with thee.
I'm hesitating,
but I know you're for me.

I'll take you once a year,
if that's all I can have.
In my heart you're so dear,
I can't wait to come back.
Even while I'm there.
Oh, California
It must be in the air.
Dear California,
I'll meet you there.
Wait for me California.

You have pretty big shoes to fill.
That expectation should be revealed.
I know you most likely will know this,
and maybe this is more for me than you.
But I have had a taste of the greatest romance.
I have literally walked with Heaven.

And to be transparent,
you are to love me like He does.
I know you won't be perfect.
But there's a fire inside me,
burning up everything that isn't like that love.
And so I won't take anything less.
I won't settle.
I can't.

And the good news is,
whoever these letters are for.
...I won't have to.
Thank you.

When life roars at me,
and my faith feels weak.
What will I choose to believe?
Oh, it's your face I seek.
Jesus.

When the cross seems far away
and I remember all my mistakes.
When I'm lost and feeling unsafe
You've already rescued me.

You come in like a wave
Sweeping away tomorrow and yesterday
You say come what may,
Cause you've already rescued me.

You've already rescued me
You've already rescued me
You've already rescued me
You've already rescued me

Now I have to choose to believe.
And if I want the victory
I'm choosing you not me
because you've already rescued me.

How have I taken this long to get to ten?
I promise the number has no relation to my thoughts,
because I think of you often.
Tonight I'm especially heavy.
Wishing I could magically make your journey here quicker.
That you would come running, or bumping, or calling
in relation to me.
And I would receive, fall, or answer
all these things.
And just like that, the good times would be twice as good.
And these bad ones, half as bad...
In the mean time, I'm leaning on the one who is perfect.
Who is teaching me there is no "mean" time.
There is no in between.
Today is the day,
and every day after.
And if I never get the running, or the bumping, or the calling...
I hope I do not notice.
I hope I am so enamored by the presence of God
living on the inside of me.
That I don't miss anything He hasn't given me.
I want you, but you'll have to wait.
Because he will bring you better than anyway I could have hoped
and labeled it as faith.

I can wait.
For as long as it takes.
I can wait.
Because I was given strength.
I can wait.
Because perfect love casts out all fear.
I can wait for you, my dear.

I'm learning so much while I'm on my way to you.
I hope, I pray, I know
You are learning too.
While the seasons are changing,
we'll both be stepping into something new.
A new season, a new heart, and a new me.
You wouldn't believe the changes taking place,
and I hope when we get there,
you love what you see...

Can you forgive me though you do not know me yet?
I have walked the Earth, become some person
and made mistakes and yet-

Oh, this Grace.
In Jesus I have found.
A fountain of forgiveness,
to wash my mistakes to the ground
and away, forever...gone.

So, I know that you will be a man of grace.
And look past these years I have been so very silly.
The years of the beginning of my race.

But I am banking on you.
Whoever you may be.
I will not settle.
I will not quit.

**You ARE waiting for Me.

It is like a well has opened up in me
I can sing of your love forever.
I can a song that's never been sung
about the Son.

The winds of Heaven are rushing at my back.
Forward we go
Forward we go.
Hallelujah

With just one look towards You.
I melt inside your peace
I am washed from impurities
I am made new again.

When a song touches the place,
that makes me warm.
I play it again and again.
But this much I've learned-
Don't play it too much.
Less it lose its grandeur.
Like when others complain,
that the cold that once kissed their face
now brings pain.
I will not see it this way.
No let me be washed by the beauty
of life.
And let it not be my everything.

If I write him a poem,
does that mean anything to you?
Do you see? There are pieces of me,
I gave to someone other than you.

I think I've moved on swimmingly
I think I am someone brand new.
But if you're seeing me on my worst day,
I have some work still to do.

I can be my own worst enemy.
I can self implode with great aptitude.
But I can be full of grace, and beauty
and forgiveness.

I hope you will be too.

How much of me
is wrapped up in blue?

With ribbon,
and artifacts,
and oil portraits of you?

I know I'll never need you.
You don't need me,
not you.
But there are days when I'm pretending,
you see me as someone you still talk to too.

I'm so thankful you see my heart.
Thankful that the world can turn away from me,
but you will never depart.
I thankful there's a home for you
on the inside of me.
Thankful that for with me
you died to be.

Thank you that I don't have to write with any rhythm.
I don't have to sing in key or on pitch,
and never have to look a certain way for you to love me.

You just do.
And I'm really trying to do the same.
I'm trying to get to the basics again.
To remember there is only One
for me.
It is you. It will always be.
My Lord and God,
the maker of my soul.
The love of my life.
There is no other.
There is no other.

There's a beautiful coffee shop,
I can't wait to show you.
I presently sit outside.
Here I come to spend too much money,
but there is no other place like this.

Monumental moments have transpired,
over the exotic coffee,
on top the perfectly finished wooden benches.

And I hope you love it.
I hope you'll like the sounds,
the people,
the conversation.

I hope you enjoy my tendencies to sing in public,
to get overexcited and to speak in some other person's
high pitched voice.

You are out there.
You are coming.
No matter how long it takes
I will believe in that.

Sometimes I miss you,
though I don't know you yet.
I wonder if you are lying in bed on a Friday evening,
feeling the same way.
Life isn't bad,
I'm not unhappy...
Just restless and feeling as though,
there is something more out there.

But this feeling and I,
we've met before.
And I know all its ***** tricks.
I know they way it disguises its self.
It tells me there's no harm in settling in
for awhile.
For breathing deeply and indulging,
in pity.

I know God loves me too much,
to leave me anywhere unfitting for His kid.
So I hope you are having the same realizations,
if you indeed are lying in your bed on a Friday evening.
Because some day,
neither of us will be doing that alone.

Dear you,
I might not know you yet either,
but this letter will be different.

You will be different

I say that because it is true.
Not because he was wrong, or bad,
but he wasn't you.

You are holy and set apart.
As am I.
You were made for me,
and I for you.
And we will get it right at last,
Oh sweet promise of the Lord.
You have been worth waiting for.

I may not have waited as long as you.
I may have been sloppier with my life.
I may disagree with you and be stubborn
and try to take the lead.
But you will know me
And choose me anyways.

And that is why I will love you,
with a true love that reflects
the love of God.

And for all of that,
and for all that I remain unaware of,
I am waiting.

But I had to write you to say,
I'm not looking.
I am not striving.
I'm no longer searching,
and trying to force things to happen.

I am resting.
And serving,
And seeking...
the face of God

Because you are only to love me as He already loves me.
So, I'm going to the source.
And I'll see you some day soon.
I know you're waiting too.
I know you'll know what to do.

It gets harder to believe
What I once was sure of.
Like me..
and then you.
Oh, the foolish things
I thought I knew.

If we could have a conversation,
without chatting on what's new...
I'd bring you inspiration.
But now that's just too difficult to do.

You are a complete stranger.
I loved someone other than you.
I still dream.
And dream...
And dream about you.

And I wake up feeling unrested,
and thoroughly blue.
Why are my sleeping thoughts
choosing to think about you?

You, a ship I can no longer see
As I stand upon this shore.
I couldn't even book a ticket
If a fortune I had, and I could afford.

What lessons are to come from all of this?
What persons could endure?
Christ only becomes my strength,
my thankfulness.

Pray I remain landlocked upon this shore.

I can stare blankly.
I have mastered the art.
Feelings evade me,
I swept them into the dark.
Now I persuade me,
Run away from your heart.
Keep running long into the morning.
Never saying goodbye before you depart.
Run away but not too lively.
Remember, you must keep up with your art.

We all need something.
Grace.
Love.
Compassion.
Trust.
But my days have been spent judging,
myself mostly, but others if I find I must.
It's a disposition
An antithesis of helpfulness.
I desire to speak life, to give life, to live life
freely...
But I have been stuck in a pit.
And I cannot dig myself out.
And I cannot sit myself down
And say, "what you are feeling is ok.
You are not ruined,
And you're just learning to stay."

What greater gift than your love?
Who do I turn to above you?
Who am I made of?

Your breath gives my life meaning.
Your corrections bring holiness to my ways.
I am but a meaningless vapor without you.
But with you, a vapor not in vain.

Jesus, your face
I ache to see that face.
I long to run into the World like a bullet
Shot fast and hot out of a cannon.
Burning to scream about your goodness,
to build cities and worlds on top of your Glory.
To climb mountains,
To conquer,
To vanquish...
But you don't care for any of that.
You just long for me keep looking at
**your face.