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 Oct 2017 Jay
Lisa
In the Grey
 Oct 2017 Jay
Lisa
It a great thing to be in the middle of fades between the lines of black and white
It's great to be gray to dissappear into the black like a shadow or like walking out in the middle of the night to not be noticed
Or never have any eyes on you
don't be seen
no mistake noticed.
the white does not always shine on you and when it does you can easily go back to gray
It's great to be gray beacuse i change my outfit 5 times before coming here and and today maybe I wanted to shine. But I'm gray so I stand out just enough to be noticed but not to much then all eyes on me and that is quite scary then I'm not gray.

It's horrible to be gray.
To always seem like you are in 2 places at one like everyone is watching you but like not a single person will even notice you
It ***** to be gray.
To say hello to someone and they won't respond beacuse they don't know your name from that day when you helped them when no one eles would,
you were always in the gray
To have every mistake noticed by everyone but then be told that it's okay just stop and go back to the gray.

It's okay to be gray beacuse inbtween of the black and white I may stay
but oddly enough gray is okay it's a ryhmes so it must be true
beacuse in all white I shine all eyes on me never a moment of peace
never any time for the little boring gray me
But in the black I'm never seen I'm forgotten,
Say hi to the girl in the hall and receive a weird look beacuse she doesn't even remember me now
Maybe it's okay to be gray beacuse shades are sometimes all the same in some weird way.
 Oct 2017 Jay
Lisa
How are you?
are you looking for me how I look for you?
In between and around every person?
Waiting for me to pop out and I love you?
How many others have you loved?
Am I the first?
Am I the last?
Am I second?
I think you will be loving,
And smart and well as kind.
Where are you right now?
Are you with someone else, are you in love?
Are you with me?
Are you at the end of a bridge? Looking down the edge for hope?
Do you have brown hair, maybe blonde? I wonder what kind of quirks you have like walking only on the outside part of the side walk or holding my hand when you are nervous?
Did I know you? Were we friends or strangers just wondering past meeting just at the right time?
Are we still in love?
Were we every in love?
Or are you a dream?
Like me.
 Oct 2017 Jay
Lisa
H I T
 Oct 2017 Jay
Lisa
When I was young my mother told me she hopes I find someone like my father one day. I thought it was an compliment when I saw the bruises bloom among her skin, like flowers they grew.
One day my mother made me wake up in the middle of the night and threw all my things in a suit case, “we are going on a trip” is what she told me and I didn’t understand why my mother was so quite and quick to leave the house.
That night she told me she hopes I never marry someone like my father I didn’t know if that was a compliment anymore.
The first boy I loved was nothing like my father he was sweet and kind and I was in love but it was to soon and our paths didn’t met all the way.
The second boy I loved was just like my father an outline of hate surround him and I fell in love it reminded me of my father. But like Icarus got to close to the sun I got to close to him.
His flame hit my wings and I melted until I hit the ground hard. I left.
I can’t tell if I love you.
But I couldn’t tell if I loved my father.
So let me fall.
And hit the ground harder.
 Jul 2017 Jay
Chrissy R
Because I’m a fat ***.
Because I was already irritated.
The way you were hanging on me.
The work I need to do.
The food in my stomach metabolizing straight to my
thighs/hips/arms/face/calves/cheeks/***/waist/chest.

Who are you anyway?
My guts were black like charcoal and twice as gritty.

**** Sundays.
**** Valentine’s.
**** fancy dinners
**** new clothes
**** sleeping in
**** food anyway.
**** being nice.
**** being sweet.

Because you called me pretty
And I can’t stand the lies that are so sticky sweet
and make messes and gather all the dirt from the air
and somehow it’s still sticky and now it’s black and you can’t scrub it off.

Because you throw around things like “love” and “forever”
and “beautiful”
but they’re too heavy for me to catch and all they do is leave me with
bruises.

And bruises just remind me of fat.

Because you still don’t know that I’m
Stupid and fat and ugly and crazy.

Because you make it hard for me to feel bad.

Because you throw around things like “forever”
and this is the only way I can catch it.
Found an old journal of mine and this was an entry, surrounded in angry pen scrawls and sharp underlines. I feel I've come a long way but somehow the path back is so short.
 Jul 2017 Jay
lo
1.  There is nothing romantic about the way our hair falls out or the way we hover over the open toilet like there's no other empty space in the house.
2. Do not think that it will be easier to love us because the love we aren’t giving ourselves will go to you.
3. You can trail your fingers along my rib cage, count every vertebrae in my back like marbles stacked high on top of each other. This is not beautiful, this is what dying looks like.
4. I’m sorry for the smell of my breath, but there’s no amount of toothpaste that could cover up the smell of myself rotting from the inside out.
5. “I thought you had to be skinny to have an eating disorder.”
5.   “You don’t look like you starve yourself.”
5.   I know that you wish you could hold me without worrying i’ll turn to dust if you squeeze too hard.
6.   I grew up being told that my body is a temple and I should treat it as such, but I don’t think this is right, see; temples can be destroyed but it always takes another person. I am doing this to myself.
7.   I can’t remember the last time I ate without feeling guilty.
7.   I can’t remember the last time I ate.
8.   One day, I will be nothing and you will be nothing, and i’m sorry that i’m already so close to being gone.
9.   I want to get better. I am trying to get better.
10. Do not think that loving us will be easier, because the love we do not give ourselves is gone, and we cannot love you more than we don’t love ourselves.
 Jul 2017 Jay
Erin Ross
Ana
 Jul 2017 Jay
Erin Ross
Ana
She's got me again.
Pushed up against the doorway.
And its so warm inside.

My breath, you can see,
Shaking against the winter
That seeps into her eyes and settles in her bones.

Her fingers line my shoulders
And fidget their way to my ribs
Where flowers do grow but never stay for dinner.

And I dont stop her
Because she holds me above water sometimes.
And I dont really want to drown.
 Jul 2017 Jay
Alayna Mae
You look in the mirror and know bloating is your enemy
You have people tell you, you are too flat
You are not skinny, you are not fat
When food can be your frenemy

You put in all this work
You have people tell you it will never be enough
You are not strong, you are not weak
When your body can call your bluff

You always try and stick to the rules
You have people tell you that you could do better and include this and that
You are not memorable, you are not forgetful
When your diet looks like something you do not get at
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