it seems that every day that goes by, my past false perceptions and thoughts of what love is and everything that it could ever be, are blurred out, deformed and destroyed completely. With you, they are built up again, fresh and new.

my thoughts are scrambled around my mind like a pile of a million puzzle pieces. each one belonging to a separate puzzle, yet I am still sitting hunched over them, with clammy and shaky hands, trying desperately to fit them together.

sitting in the passenger seat of your car at 2 am felt more like home than any other place ever did.

**

I've wasted much time on people who played games. People who don't tell you where you stand. People who don't know the meaning of "I love you"

everyone has "those days".
nobody specifies exactly what they mean when they say it, but everyone always seems to know.
it is April third, there is nothing important to me about this particular day, except for the fact that it has been a bad one.
i feel as if everyone and everything i have ever held onto is slipping away, and as much as i try to tell myself to not loosen my grip, my fingers keep coming undone.
i am aware of all these things going on around me but i cant wrap my mind around any of it, i cant make myself care.

I remember the day you left us like it happened yesterday.
You told me you couldn't be with us anymore. That you had to leave, that you weren't happy anymore. As you left you promised me that you would see me in a few weeks. A few weeks turned into 4 years, and you are still trying to make up for that time that was lost.
You used to be a good dad. You used to take me out on adventures every Saturday morning. I remember sitting in your old truck listening to Pink Floyd on our way to Yosemite, always remembering to stop by that little cafe to buy me blueberry pancakes.
You were the first man to break my heart, stand me up, and leave me. You used to not lash out at us in anger.
You used to have gentle hands but now they are balled up fists sewn tight with anger, and just like your words, they hurt. You aren't a father anymore, just a stranger who sleeps on our couch in the living room after stumbling in drunk at 3 AM.

I can choke myself to please you and I can sink much lower than usual, but there's nothing I can do to make you mine.

A girl in a coma, but in reverse, the world stays still, and she moves like a sun rays. She has been holding blooming flowers for far too long and her hands have transformed into ****** messes, nothing is pure anymore.

I always fall in the wrong lake of what people call "love". They told me to be kind. They told me to be radiant, and gentle, but I ended up a misused copy of a book that was written under regret and misery.
I've never thought it was wise to call a person by their appearance, but when it comes to you, all words seem too boring, too used, too stupid.
I want you to always remember the feeling of me, even long after you've washed your hands. And just like me, the clouds fell for you and cry because they can't have you. A thousand lessons were taught to me the moment I let you take a part of me, the same moment I knew I'd never be the same. I hear him speak about life with a frustrated tongue and an indignant tone that makes me want to hold him and whisper sweet words, reminding him that life can be soft. even with knives as hands, even with everything.

you're all i hear about these days and i think i once coughed my way out of telling someone i loved them. My body wont stop shivering and these house fixtures keep staring at me like they know my secrets and all my broken promises to myself. Its okay though, because some day i will stop singing songs and writing ****** poetry for the people who have wronged me. I'll learn the difference from real and fake and right and wrong, maybe i'll even finally be able to sleep again.

i was once told that i was never going to be good enough for love. that i spend too much of my time tending to the needs for people whom i loved, and i will never have that in return. Always planting forests for people who only burn them down. That i am type of girl that has only ever known ashamed love. A love that is always hidden behind closed bedroom doors and smothered under soft cotton sheets. The kind of love that is not love, never love, but lust. the word itself has been slipped through lips glossed with poison, but has only left me weak and ill.

if it's any constellation, I never saw stars between us.

we grow up learning to fear love and how much it hurts to care for people and the older we get the more we see we were right to be terrified, we were right to fear life, and love, and loss, and it doesn't matter how tight you hold on; everything you love will slip through your fingers.
i promise my mind was never meant to be a playground for the wicked but you my dear have turned it into one. i always wanted the kind of love i dreamt about but i don't see you in my dreams anymore. i keep telling myself things have to turn around and get better eventually but the only thing turning is my stomach when i think of you.
i guess that in the end we are just breaking our own hearts hoping for a love we knew we could never have.

some people are like cigarettes, you know? they aren’t good for you; but you want them any way, and feeling him between my thighs made my heart sing songs my mind didn't even know it knew.
people are always saying it's not about who you miss at 3 AM when you're lonley but who you miss during the day when you're busy, so what if it's 12 pm and i'm craving to feel the warmth of your body or to hear the sound of your voice?

I know I deserve someone to make my hands stop shaking but every person I hold- I break, and cemeteries hurt more than the people below them

how envious i am of everyone and everything that can command your attention without having to ask for it

you sit there, talking about how you want love, but you don't want me so i don't believe you.

a severed head can last about 6 minutes long after being removed from a body and i couldn't even last a couple seconds after you said we could no longer be friends.

don't you know what you do to me? I grow forests for you but you keep burning them down

sometimes i wonder if god keeps a record of all the times i have been left and all the times i have been unable to leave. i wonder if he thinks to himself "will she ever  learn?" as if he feels my heartache too. i picture god himself sitting at a desk with a mountian of crumpled papers at his feet with bags and dark circles under his eyes hunched over a typewriter with a furrowed brow beginning me again and again, but somehow he always ends up at the same part in the story where i am all ****** palms and and propped up on bruised knees spitting up blood and teeth at his feet screaming "IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?!" But he doesn't answer.

You deserve someone who will hold your hand in public instead of one who keeps you hidden behind closed doors.

Sitting in the passenger seat of your car at 3 AM with your hand resting on my knee had always felt more like home than any other place ever did.
Summer brought you to me and it when it ended it dragged you right along with it, and just as easily and quickly that you came, you left.
Remember the day before you left for college? We were sitting in that cafe drinking milkshakes and you made me pinky promise that i wouldn't let the distance bring us apart and you told me we were stronger than any amount of miles, but 100 miles is pretty far and it didn't take long to drive us apart.
Its been 2 years and whenever i think about you i swear my hands can still feel the clamminess of your palms the first time we held hands.
Its been months since we've talked and your new life has changed you completely. Occasionally your false drunken declarations of love ring out in the back of my mind. My intentions with you were pure gold and yours happened to only lay between my thighs.

I want to shatter the lies that time and circumstances have you convinced that you will never know wholeness or happiness

people always comment on how tired i look all the time, and i suppose that when you haven't slept in 3 days it starts to show.
I remember how i used to sleep as a way of trying to avoid dealing with the things that were tugging at my heart strings but now it is 4:52 in the morning and im staring at them face to face.
I used to be so emotionally strong and i try to trace back to the moment i lost all my courage. Not having any fear of speaking out to a person when they wronged me. And now i so patheticfully brush off every blow and pick myself up and hand myself over completely to people that dont even have the decency to show any sign of remorse for a thing they have put me through. I so easily hold onto the words i want to say and fill their place with phrases like "its okay" and "you dont need to be sorry".

i wonder how i can be good enough for only certain things.
for late nights, for whispers that leave emotions raw, for lies, and most of all for lust.
a girl good enough for desire but not  love. the kind of girl who gets so wrapped up in feeling wanted, i drown in a pool of 'will he ever hold my hand' or 'tell me i'm pretty because i don't feel pretty'
because getting emotionally ****** monday through friday between closed doors has become a normal thing.
so when did i make it okay for people to play with my emotions? and why dont boys ever learn that a girls heart is never a toy? my heart is the guitar you used in your hand, plucking my emotions with your fingers, and my body being the words once sung from your lips.

the richness of cigarettes on your breath, your hands warm and rough on my cheek and the curious way that you feel my body. your tentative touch wanting you show me what you can't speak when words fail, so play me like your guitar, play your hard, passionate love, over and over again until i'm familiar with your melodic feel until the beat kicks in again.

my mind moves faster than my mouth could ever hope to and i so often find myself in self-inflicted messes, embarrassed at my painfully apparent lack of finesse when it comes to crafting a phrase in a way that  actually makes sense. endlessly i stumble, dry mouthed, over meager words that could never accurately convey the hurricanes inside my brain, no matter the conviction with which i speak them. the war for stillness rages on in the chaos of my skull, shaken by tremors of memories like atom bombs. my mind is screaming but it's all in a language that i can't understand, no matter how hard i try. reduced to heaving sobs and irrevocable disgust for my inability to to speak due to the lack of air inside my lungs. thunder crashes and lightning flashes through my mind, looming in the form of opaque storm clouds above my bed. i am sinking, no, i am absolutely drowning, but there is no water around to be found for miles; so i guess that makes these waves my thoughts. and that must mean i waved goodbye to sanity's shorelines long ago.

don't fall in love with the ones who will touch you and make you feel like you're floating,
because soon enough they'll push you to the ground, leaving you to question everything, with nothing but the bruises and scars on your body left over from their touch. don't fall in love with the ones who only crave intimacy. they won't want you how you want them, they are only driven by sweet words and an even sweeter kiss while you crave something much more.

he had constellations in his eyes and all the world in the palm of his hand but yet he couldn't find anywhere for me to stay

i keep telling myself people are not allowed to just exit and re-enter my life as they please, but i leave the door unlocked, so what does that make me? every "i love you" i never got to say is still stuck to the roof of my mouth, others have tried to pry it out of me, but the memory of you is like lockjaw. and you know i'm too weak to ignore you. i learned how to translate your texts from a drunken mess back into english. i am fluent in apology, but i don't want to hear them anymore. stuck between i love you's  and that not being good enough for either of us, what do we do now? Where do we go from here? Do we even do anything? As if simply loving someone was ever enough for anyone. I miss you so much, i never wanted to be anywhere you were not.