In this empty room
Blade in hand
Cold, and numb and senseless
It feels like these walls are my worst enemy
But they've been here since the very beginning
And will be here until the very end

perfect doesn't matter if you can't love
                          but love doesn't matter
        if it isn't perfect

that's why there's scars where scabs used to be
                                  perfect doesn't matter if you can't hate
hate doesn't matter if it isn't
                                    mindless

nonsense
                                     gone fence
                                                                              con cents

perfect doesn't love if it isn't matter
                             matter isn't perfect if it doesn't
                                              LOVE

one two three four five six seven, eight nine

one who sees your knives picks heaven, hate mine

                                                  I love you like Lasceration

Hello, my name is David Phlegmister. I am much too self-aware. I also have no ******* idea who I am. My intestines twist and turn just like yours. I think I must have a pretentiously metaphorical tapeworm. Everything I do or say is backed by either anger or curiosity, and in spite of this I am somehow not in jail. I try too hard. I don't try hard enough. I care too much but I still don't give a ****. I wont tell you I'm hungry even though I havent eaten since yesterday. No, really, it's fine, I'm not hungry.My hands and feet are too big for my body.
Seriously, *******, I'm not ******* hungry
I drink black coffee and smoke cigarettes but I swear to god I'm not an egotistical existentialist. My mom tells me that I'm too skinny but dont worry I'm not hungry. Smells **** me up.
I can still smell your perfume and I can still smell your *****.
Your feelings dont matter because we all die eventually.
Boo hoo, get the **** over it.
Everything you stand for is a lie. God isn't real, your government hates you, status is meaningless.
Jokes on you so **** yourself.
I'm sixteen years old in an Aberdeen-esque hellhole.
I'm a highschool dropout
My old school was a cesspool of AXE body spray and ****** ****.
My friends all want to **** themselves and I don't blame them.
I'm an ******* in my own right, but I don't know about yours.
Im still waiting for someone who doesn't have to fix me to love me.
I whine and ***** about whiney ******* and wonder why I hate myself. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to be a ******.
Reality is not, and will not, ever suffice.
It will never satisfy.
Never bring contentedness.
Theres no denying that I will be hooked on whatever unrefined, kidney-****** junk I can get my filthy hands on. Marijuana got boring fast.
I hate routine. I hate sameness. I feel too ******* much so I punish myself for it.

I AM NOT A ******* PIECE OF ART

I'm your aborted ******* son.
My fingernails are too short.
I lie to people who care about me
and I don't know if its for
my sake
or theirs.
I'm the elephant in the room of conservative christian right wing baby boomers.
I CANNOT and WILL NOT do what is expected of me.
I don't fit in.
Thank god.
Don't wanna be a starry eyed, brain dead statistic.
Sometimes I don't sleep on purpose just because I don't deserve to.
I don't owe you a ******* thing. I have nothing to prove and nothing to give.

**IMNOTHUNGRYIMNOTHUNGRYIMNOTHUNGRY

i was born all naturally
formed in a lax factory
im actually
a hack with ******* in my nose, practically,
every day,  haphazardly
stumbling home, half asleep
i cant tell whats happening
vision begins blackening
im whack like kriss kross
crack like rick ross
major brown boy to houston
be like, "yes, we have liftoff"
dont like me when i'm *******
cause *****, i'm bruce banner
or maybe i'm bruce wayne
either way, i got mad manners

tearing down walls like berlin
preaching like its a sermon
potential begins to burgeon
i'll cut you up like a surgeon
killing in place of coercion
so you better lower the curtain
my head and my body are hurtin
so tell me how quick does the world spin?

i'm taddling on ya, you can call me a toddler
but the snitchin n' **** is somethin im never fond of
and i never grow up, cause i'm the neverland smuggler
peter pan turns into one of my best customers

i never grew into my head, im not cocky
never had the eye of the tiger, im not rocky
growing up i never got in fights or caused a lotta ****
but presently im screaming "**** the world", i've got a bone to pick

i've gotta problem and i think its the probable cause
you hold me captive, keep me trapped in your facets of laws
looks of repulsion are what cause me to brandish my claws
constant compulsions reminiscent of prodigal flaws
i've gotta problem and i think its the probable cause
see im a goblin shark i'll sink in my nautical jaws
im not a joker im a jester with lesser facades
wrought with insomnia cause drugs are american gods

my guilt makes you feel guilty
and my pain results in your tears
can i not feel my own emotions
for once?

if i bleed
you bleed

but that's not how i want it

empathy
is no longer empathy
when your wrists bleed
at the sight of mine
stained with crimson

SCAR SCAR SCAR
its your choice, your voice
SCAR SCAR SCAR
invoice for your worldly possessions
SCAR SCAR SCAR
****** you with cold obsession
SCAR SCAR SCAR
draw blood from the warm thighs and cold hands
of little girls

BRUISE SCAR CUT SCAR SCRAPE SCAR SCAR SCAR
look me in the ******* eyes
bleed me a river of *** and tears
DESTROY ME AND YOURSELF
make me your prey
VICTIMIZE ME
VICTIMIZE ME
VICTIMIZE ME

I am sorry
I am apologetic
I am regretful of my actions
I am contrite
I am repentant
I am remorseful
I am compunctious
I am so
so
sorry.

how can you expect me to believe you
when you tell me im beautiful
when your view of beauty is so clearly skewed
and you dont see the beauty in yourself
dont tell me im beautiful
when your eyes hold a story i could read through and through
but you think that they arent pretty enough
god, please dont ******* tell me im beautiful
when your lips are my ******
and dont tell me im beautiful
when you cant tell it to yourself

seminal sediment
choking on the grains
7 hole wall
on a backslide ride
carry rest on your shoulders
on your chest, holding boulders
crank down the bank shaft
hold er closer going down
crack rock
dark bock
framed my **** on a pulpit
golden toothache in wall streets jaws
tripping over roses
in a cold hand hold
rancid apples, candied roaches
shackled down, tenfold

sometimes when i miss you
i leave red stains on the insides of my sleeves
and hot showers make me flinch
sometimes when i miss you
i lie to myself and say its your fault
that you're not here anymore
sometimes when i miss you
i make myself ******* hate every
ounce
of your *******
being
just so that missing you
doesnt hurt so much

Your lips taste like cigarettes and your thighs feel like porcelain and I just can't decide which I love more

cabin fevers gonna put me out my mind
every lines a border wall too ******* high to climb
every day is all the same, the same old ******* walls
“everybody feels the same”, well that’s no help at all

let me out!!! let me out!!

so bored so bored so ******* bored
i’ll never get away
wasting, wasting all my time
i’m wasted every day
runnin round in circles like a rat stuck in a cage
this ******* book is blank i wanna tear out every page

Tired of my mind killin me from the inside
I don't wanna live don't wanna die so I guess I've
Gotta make a compromise to get me through
Lobotomized and sodomized, a cauterized wound
I'm infatuated with the things that ****
I just can't decide upon the red or blue pill
My afflictions give me everything I need
Deny the accusations that I'm driven by my greed

I don't wanna **** but I appreciate homicide as an art
I don't even know what I stand for
I can't even find a place to start
I don't wanna live, but I can't think of any way I'd like to die
So I guess I've gotta compromise
Create another wound to cauterize

my heart punctured as a foot by broken glass
i reek of dried *** and my own rotting flesh
the scales of mother's womb cool the flaming mold
***** needles filled with rat's ****
picking my fresh scabs from lit cigarettes and pencil sharpeners
my tongue blackened from ink and tobacco
i taste the fungal poison which comes with death
and i sleep in my bed of satin and rusty nails
while tomorrow fills my nightmares
i awake in a puddle of secretion and sweat
breathing death into my lungs
as if welcoming an old friend
one last time

the problem                             the problem                            the problem
with people today                   with people today                  with people today
is                                               is                                              is

when we look at art                when we read a book            when we see a miser
we see the paint                       we see the words                    we see the shell

not the painter                         not the writer                         not the resident

stability only lasts so long
when at any moment i could break
                                                     myself into pieces

presently, gently wading,
floating on the surface

presently
waiting

dragged beneath myself
devoured by the beast
pulling me

down
          down
                    down

to a place inside myself that i have not yet discovered
a place even i dont recognize

is it self harm if you dont do it on purpose?
am i hurting myself if i want it to stop?

im a depressed maniac
BANGING!
BANGING!!
BANGING!!!
on the door to my cranial corridor

im a manic depressive
slipping
              slipping
                  ­          slipping
into my grave

a grave that has been dug
for me
and by me

i **** myself on the inside
only to awake in the hell i swore i just escaped

it hurts me eternally to think
that any day you could drop me
just leave
walk away
abandon me
forget me
and it would only take one close look at me
to realize that you could do those things
without the slightest hesitation

The smudge of ink that is left when a mistake can't be completely erased
Just another failed attempt
Another rough draft
That's what I am
I think that if someone were to finish erasing
I could be rewritten as something much more beautiful
A better version of me
A better choice of words
Maybe if I could erase myself
You could recreate me more beautifully than this first edition
You could create me with the abundance of loveliness that you hold
Where I am "flawed"
You could write me as "fascinating"
Where I feel "ignored"
You could describe me as "engrossing"
Where I am "alone"
You could instead write "loved"
I want you to change me
Mold me
Shape me
Recreate me
Replace me with a better version of myself

it is my everlasting dream to leave this vice i was born into in the most silent and unnoticeable of ways.

i wish i could have touched you while we were still in love

Tonight I tell you I’m not worth ****,
Day after day I mope and I sit,
And I think of how ******* disturbed this all is,
Life continues around me, but no, I insist,
That this cynical, worthless, despicable hole,
Is what I've become,
I’m losing my soul,
Each day, a new way, to set the pain still,
Who’s the one with the gun?
I'm the one they should ****,
And I cling to whatever my cold hands can find,
Each morning, another ******* hill to climb
So I smoke it away,
I take to the blade,
I bleed out my sorrows,
Im not ******* okay,
And I just want to die, I wish I would die,
And leave all the struggles and ******* behind,
And you tell me its selfish, it makes me feel worse,
You were my rock, turns out you’re my hearse,
You see scars on my skin, and you tell me to stop,
*******,
You're my reason to put more on top,
You’re so fake,
I don’t care that I “could have it worse”,
Don't disparage my suffering,
I'm left with this curse

who needs talent
when you've got funds
                                          money
                             moolah
who needs passion when you have cold hard cash?
a sensitive artist seems so brash
who needs skills when you've got dollars?
practice time like bantha fodder
who wants abstract when you've got concrete?
tangible things are worth more, my treat
who needs art when you've got funds?
who needs bullets if you've got a gun?

bring it back around again
just to open up the can
earthworms call omnipotence
flying chickens have no fence

easy as it goes and goes
blithering mind seize the soul
granule stimuli reap my face
sweaty palms bound in grace

Push into my concave
Ripple off your hollow skull
Never met a fond slave
Lookin through a swallow hull

File down for plaster
Skinning clean your mended bone
Bringin down the rafters
Furnace of a heavy home

Call a little blow away to rock yourself to sleep
Soil over forty fay and sow just what you reap

**** the seed of prosper
Four entangled righteous ****
More than you could foster
Still, you might be over hill

Sonny won't you crawl away to somewhen I've not found
Crankin down the bank shaft cause its rollin rollin round
Caught another big one in a dental floss noose
Sell em to the butcher maybe he can get some use

no time for recess
your lunch hours over soon
again, i'll regress
back to where i was before i made it to the moon

i'm grounded, bound to my heavy head
and now i've found it pounds even when i'm fed
when it ticks so loud that i'm filled with dread
all the wounds cry out every drop i've bled

The wrench of consequence so breathin overseared
Like hangin vultures of your crystal fear
Tar-blooded genesis can't seem to take your load
For when the oversee of canon road

I cant see
Thru the sludge
Hold to you
A silent grudge

Dilated open eye corroded second heart
Born of a silken mother caring dart
Sure difficulty may be lasting for a fie
Worse recognition of the other lie

I cant see
Thru the sludge
Hold to you
A silent grudge
Sewn in haste
And mended bare
Seems untrue
A false free dare

A nagging, stinging hangnail,
A self inflicted pain,
Although, unintentional,
I can't help but complain,
Regretful of my actions,
Blood-rimmed fingers swell,
Though I feel a certain traction,
Toward this pain as well,
Taste buds clothed in nicotine,
I watch the candle burn,
And as the flame,
Extinguished,
Smokes,
I fade away in turn

I hate these ******* walls,
And this floor that wont support me,
Your roof is no shelter,
But an excuse for fascism,
**** your self righteous,
Jesus-*******-Christ

You're a ******* ****,
Wont stop for months,
Force your **** down my throat,
*****, respect me just once,

*******, you're no mother,
You're just more ******* proof;
I'd rather die, freezing
Than live under your roof

Fill my dreams with tear gas butterflies
Killing queens and monarchs cross-eyed
All I've seen are things you can't hide
Apocalyptic hypno-landslide

Hallelujah
**** the sinner
Don't forget to pray for dinner
Your whole life is in his likeness
At least you know you're dying righteous

Praise the hand that does enslave
Bow down, proclaim, "Jesus saves"
Against my will, I'm taught your ways
Now I decide your judgement day

Antichrist, eclipse the sun
Liberate cerebral function
Hypno-landslide, smoking gun
No masters, gods, or holy son

***** your finger, slit your wrist
Obedience is your weakness
Comply and gain eternal bliss
But kingdoms like this don't exist

Roll over, rub the sleep out
Light comes on and everything is grey
My mind's eye's warning, "Keep Out"
Already, I'm fed up with today

Don't wanna open up to me
Cause I ******* woke up like this!
Can't keep my mind from roaming free
I woke up like this!
Can't say a word to you so I
Can't even ******* look at you cause I
Can't believe I'm back here again, cause

I! Woke! Up! Like! This!

I've lost far too much to care
From afar, you touch the tear
Feelings marred, I clutch your stare
I've lost far too much to bear

Cigarettes begin my day
Better yet, they singe me grey
I could bet on what you'd say
Please just make it go away

Can't you see that I'm in pain?
Don't you hear me call your name?
You've just got to stake your claim
On the boy that never came

When the sun returns, my dear
Don't question what I'm doing here
You knew that I would one day steer
My way back to your jagged spear

So on the day that neither know
Be sunny, grey or white with snow
I'll deal out the fatal blow
And on our separate paths we go

You try to justify
That a high mind
Cant find a way
To understand the pain
Of another

Can't control me with guilt any longer
Because a high mind is no wronger
Than a sober one

If anything
When my brain is chemically altered
I'll have way more ******* sympathy for you

i know a knotty girl
her strings are all unfurled
from deep within her heart
emerged a poison dart

i know a topic line
the old one with no spine
embrace the ball and chain
disgrace her all the same

see you growing weaker still
but he can't and never will

i know, a simple death
cointreau and cigarettes
for reasons unbeknownst
he can, but she still wont

carried away on a 16 load
very deranged, come seven fold
ferry across the sick ones, cold
nary a loss, enlist from gold

labian lunchbox, kat skratch eyes
clitoral conquest, fantasized
cranial entry drawing nigh
flora, fauna running high

you're lotus-*****
structural frailty
lotus-*****
****, swirl, hail me

Nothing in particular
Just high
Addicted ****** ****

**** my liver
Kidneys
Dissociation is the key

I've spotted the freight train
Have I made it?

Bring me there I beg you
Spoon me
Me, the spoon, all me

Drink DRINK like a FISH

pop pop pass percocet
C-c-c-c-c-cocaaaaiiinneeeeee

***** ****** bored, dumb

**** my LIVER AND KIDNEYS
Dolla dolla nose job **** a stuffy
**** me on a tuesday, sneez sick puppy horsey

Cant finde me
Kant fine me

Run run run run run baby, yes ya do
Explain but not excuse

Substitute kkkills as much
Methadopamine or a xany ***** one night
Dextrahydraphetamine, ketamine meta-clean

Don't try. Understand to
Completely

Every spring runs dry
       **** son, 'least enjoy the high

fight the need to pull the thorn, **** yourself to be reborn,
live your life in fear of death, clinging to your final breath
harm done even when you win, pride is such a deadly sin
count me out or count me in, til the day the world wont spin
fine me for my will to be, tax the squirrel the use the tree
sell my insides, scamming me, nothing in this world is free
shaping, taping back together, taking, raking all your splendor
faking, making us pretenders, facing, gaping black forever
bring me down and ream me out, fill me up with hate and doubt
tender fetal origins, generations' collagen
lets go out and hit the town, shoot one up and knock one down
binding, winding, finding sound, listening to my heart pound
bursting vessels 'round the socket, ball it up into my pocket
flyin higher than a rocket, once you've tried it, try and knock it
asking nice to get inside; soiled, rotten, blushing bride
with her hands between her thighs, only wishing for surprise
see our circle dissipate, seems i've found you just too late
all im left with is my hate, and the need to procreate
lose your temper, mind and soul, listen to the blackness roll
deaths compile and raise the toll, what secrets does the future hold?
wretched roaches writhe and run, while rancid tyrants toll the sun
leeches, peaches, pears and plums, **** me when my birthday comes

You never were the one to wait your turn
Blaming me for every bridge you burn
****** me of all for which I yearn
A pupil pilloried will never learn

I tried to rectify my own
Now I’m left petrified and cold
And I believe I’m in a bind
Can’t seem to find my nevermind
The weight of late is getting hard to hold

Vacant eyes that search but never find
Often open but forever blind
Lose perspective as my thoughts unwind
This borderline suggests I’m not your kind

Every time I smoke a cigarette,
I imagine that it’s you,
So I can breathe you in,
And taste your soul,
And I blow you out,
Just to long to breathe you in again.

i pull out a cigarette in the name of self destruction
making my way over concrete carpets
in search for something to light up my veins

looks of disdainful condescension are fired through me
as i dig in my pockets for my white bic lighter
that i so desperately need
to start my day of agreeable self destruction

i reach my man and pull out a *** of coloured paper
i throw it away on nothing
i melt it down
i spike my vein
and i dissolve
i am falling
into the world around me

this amazing, wonderful junk

im the ******* half-breed ******
go ahead and pull the trigger
you cant take my standing vigor
tell me that im just a ******

stop talking
and dig another moat
now tell me, do you need another ******* scapegoat?

yours is big but mine is bigger
if im the grave then you're the digger
so if in this life you're the rigger
then why am i the ******* ******?

scarred markings
assailants i cant see
i took a look up at the sky and then it hit me

con descension ripped us off
little girl has blown her top
herbicide on life's corn crop
i can hear the brain cells pop
life looks good before the drop
wade and wander through the slop
**** yourself to make it stop
quiet, or i'll call the cops

im not an artist
a writer
a poet
a musician

****, im not even a person

im everything you've made me out to be

i stand for more than this

i lie down for nothing

When you told me which tea was your favourite, I drank it every day and imagined how your lips would taste. When you told me your favourite song, I played it on repeat, wondering exactly what it meant to you. When you told me your favourite colour, I tried to find pieces of you in the sun and the flowers. When you told me you loved me, I tried to find what you could possibly find in me that is in the least bit beautiful.

i would very much like to end my life
such simplicity
a shot
a cut
a drink
such a pitiful end to such a pitiful existance