I am well acquainted
with 2 am.
this is not because
I am awake and living and loving
but because
I feel the opposite
the world feels too big for me
at least at 2 am
when it is dark
and I am curled into a ball
hidden under quaking covers
the world feels a little smaller.
maybe
if this world were smaller
I would fit better.
there is too much space
in our world.
it needs to be filled
but i do not feel
deserving enough
to fill it.

I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I have lost my ability to speak
Without sorry as in introduction
My words simply take up too much space
I take up too much space

I’m sorry
I push you out
I’ve spent too many nights
Late, lonely nights
Curled up
Silently sobbing
Because noise takes up too much space

I’m sorry
I do not know
What you said to me
I was too busy trying
To determine
how much space I deserve
To occupy
(my answer was none,
So I stayed silent)

I’m sorry
You tell me I’m quiet
You want to hear my voice
But the thing is
I lost it.
I can’t fill space
With easy, meaningless words
For I have been taught to filter
If school has taught me one thing
It is to close my mouth
Do not speak
Someone else likely has something
more important to say.
So I stopped speaking
For my words are lesser
I cannot speak freely anymore


I’m sorry
You don’t think before you speak
I analyze
Then analyze again
Then analyze once more
(or two, three more times)
Because what if it sounds stupid
What if you wanted to speak
What if my words aren’t enough

I’m sorry
That I can never seem to determine
How much space I should take up
And it’s easier to pretend
I occupy none
I have been taught to grow in
Where others have been taught to grow out
For other people need that space
And I am not entitled to it

I’m sorry
I apologize so much
It’s just
My way of warning you
That I am taking a little more space
Than I probably should.