Maybe I can’t stop
The downpour But
I will always join you  
For a walk in the rain

Together we will flow
Through an ocean of  
Ever-changing tides  
Drenched  
Tired  
Stronger  
Empowered  

The sunrise  
Will never look brighter  
Then the day we become  
One

i was getting better  
i was feeling again  

But
Now

its crashing down
in slow motion this time  
i desperately try to stop it  
but just keep getting attacked

by this thing  
this monster that i  
cant see  
how do i defend myself  
against something that  
i cannot see  

how do i be  
not broken  
im tired of being broken
my jagged edges keep cutting  
people i care about  

i was getting better  
but now  
im shattering

I don't have an eating disorder
But
I eat one meal a day

I don't have an eating disorder
But
I cant eat more than 700 calories a day

I don't have an eating disorder
But
I have to skateboard at least 5 hours a day

I don't have an eating disorder
But
If I don't know how many calories is in something I can't eat it

I want to go home  
I hate this feeling  
I don't want to do this  

I really wish I weren't me

It would be a lie to say I feel invisible
I feel painfully seen and ignored

If there were a language for walls,

It would mumble,
Per broken jaws.
The sun would shine through fragmented holes,

A windows' lone goal?
To magnify heat,
Til' all was engulfed.

With confirmed dead inside,
None knock, as they've read inscribed:

"Family tree,
Difficulty,
Unavailable."

"Family business,
Buy one,
One comes free,
Fire wood sale."

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never go home again.
My room will sit unused,
A capsule frozen in time,
A snapshot of how I was.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my dog again.
She will sit at the front door
Waiting for me and wondering,
Why I never came home.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never graduate from high school.
My yearbooks will sit stacked
Stopped short of their goal,
Missing years that should have been.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my mom again.
She will sit distraught,
Planning a funeral
For a child taken from her.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my friends again.
They'll sit together, missing me.
One empty seat among them,
A constant reminder of their loss.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my little sister again.
She will sit through high school
Knowing I can't guide her through,
That she has to figure it out alone.

If I die in a school shooting
My school will be stained.
Pools of students lives will sit,
Blood tattoos on the brick structures,
Marks of death ground into it.

If I die in a school shooting
Everyone will wear black.
They'll send their thoughts and prayers
To a town marred by death,
Forever to be the home of a shooting.

If I die in a school shooting
Will the world change?
Or will I become one of hundreds  
Of kids who have to die?
What will it take?

If things continue this way
Children will have to live in fear.
They'll look over their shoulders
Always worried and wondering,
If they'll die in a school shooting.

why does no one talk about how scary recovery is
Like being mentally ill is not fun
But I also am terrified to get better because I don’t know
Who I am without depression
I don’t know who I am without self harm
My personality is mentally ill

This is all I've ever know
Self harm is my favorite blanket
Depression is comfort food
And anxiety is the love of my life

And I don’t understand how there are people
Who can get out of bed every morning
How people can be social and not feel
Like a volcano is being forced down their throat  
How people can just raise their hand in class
It just sounds fake and impossible to me

So idk know if I really want to get better  
Because I don't know who I am without this