In my head the fear whispers
Some people are just too good to know
Wait your turn or let them go

I can’t 

To my skin it sends shivers,
Where are you? You’re missing out.
Useless, stabbing, loud self-doubt

I can’t stand it

Grasping onto conversation,
Feeling I want to know more.
But do they feel different than they did before?

I can’t stand it when we don’t connect.

the hands of the Wind
forgot to pick you up when he came,
then left without a warning
and in his place came the rain
(of tears that would not stop)
time to pick yourself up

because the cars still speed past,
as though their tires are made to last
as though anything ever is
they forgot what it means to live

everyone is a contradiction alive
nobody is quiet all the time
even the most silent, watchful eyes
are guarding a storm inside

heard the trains in the distance
whistling your name for 20 years
but you never understood their language,
it wasn’t meant for your ears.

you were so comfortable
sitting in your bed,
watching tv,
wishing you were dead,
you didn’t think twice about where the trains went.

if you are what you eat
then i am just
a stale slice of bread
atop of glass of water
half eaten but half alive
waiting patiently
for my turn to be consumed

if you are what you eat
then i am simply this

but sometimes i feel
as strong as the glass that holds the water

i feel that life is in delay
the moments later every day
a thought i had 10 weeks before
will lead to action in 10 weeks more

moments left untouched by tears
now will make me cry for years
suddenly i feel it brew
sadness that i never knew

except i did,
I knew it well
i didn’t know
i couldn’t tell
the memories
were always there
they lived inside
i didn’t care

so please don’t ask
why there is silence
my mind is present,
but lacks guidance

maybe i will feel your touch
now as you lay beside me
or maybe i will feel it later
in a fond memory

i love her
even when she’s pulling on my hair
even when i wish she wasn’t there
it’s nice to know that i still care

you threw a brick, you
swear you didn’t mean to
i bring these things out of you

i am quicker to doubt myself
than i am to doubt anyone else
whether i know them or not
when it comes to others
i never think twice
there i am, always by their sides
somehow incapable of extending
the same kindness to myself

but i am a person just like the rest
struggling to find my place in this mess
there is no use being ******* myself

i want to be
something she can fix.
i want to be a puzzle
the way she is.

i wish to be a broken telephone line,
for we know, the solution is time
and a quick repair
and i’ll be fine.

i wish to be a set of drawers
with a missing ****,
missing but
out there somewhere.

if our friendship was a mountain
i’d climb it to the peak
and wait there until sunrise
when we'd have a chance to speak

but we are more like a valley
always feeling down together
the sky is so beautiful
we sometimes forget to complain about the weather

now i live in the mountains
and snow falls gently on me again
i forget about the cold,
i forget about the rage

as ice melts in the spring,
memories of you are washed away
they heard that you were gone
and knew they couldn’t stay

Small towns
pass through my vision
like slowly growing
scattered pieces of life
thrown into
a fast-paced world
of people everywhere
all the time.

these towns
I know nothing of
were almost a part
of a life of mine
I dared to nearly live

my favourite people
are unapologetically themselves
they speak their minds
they are not afraid

my favourite people
are my best friends
and strangers I see downtown
who dress to impress no one else

my favourite people
are everything i want to be
and everything i'm not

Please come hold me
I am not ready to exist
Please unfold me
I am not ready to be this:

a complete structure
rather than
a series of parts
and pieces.

I am not ready to be this.

Hulking, nearly 20ft tall
Welcoming enough, I suppose
Vines crawling up the sides
Intertwining with one another

Small, only 20ft tall
My entire world.
unimportant in the spectrum
of the universe