I still hold a bit of those smiles you shadowed over my face;
                   a bit of that snow;
                   a bit of those memories we shared;
                   a bit of sorrows we had;
                   .
I still hold a bit you!
                   a bit of me with you!
                   .
                   .
                   .
                   .
but not even a single bit of myself...
I lost whole of  myself to you.

Out of all the seasons that spring in,
Autumn sets something deep within...
Those fallen leaves and left out scars
Gazing at the way you left for hours;
There is something familiar and soothing...
The winds blowing hard and uprooting.

It's been always 'bout you,
I was the one you wanted me to.
Still I waited;
For the sake of moments we created,
On the part of feeling YOU initiated....!

I was not the one to approach,
Even not the one with usable broach!!
You hurted me everytime,
I was fed up your helanious rhyme!
Now I feel like victim of your crime...

For the sake of kindness,
I never made you feel less;
You was the one broken enough,
But pretending to be tough,
Because I was the only one to whom you could be rough!

You never shared your part,
And decided to depart;
I've never been self centered,
I never wanted to end the relationship we entered,
Now I am the one who's rendered...!

But I still suffer that pain,
To be puppet of your game INSANE!
It was not my mistake,
Just accept it for God's sake...!
But unreasonably why I'm giving you time you take;

You said, you never wanted to loose me,
It's you heartless excuse me..!
I think I hate you,
Ya man! I really do...
Because it's been always 'bout you,
Here I am again you wanted me to...
But unreasonably why?
Part of my soul wanna give you a chance if you'll try;
And promise to never make me cry.

The way it goes around,
In these four walls where i am bound...
It's way different from what others can see,
Why can't they just let me be?!
Momentary smiles knock after a million scream!!!
This torment is killing my self esteem!
Every place out of this house feels like home,
Its really hard to stand this all alone!!
Every moment my resilience burn in flames!
As I am paying for that false fame.
Hope feels like another word for illusion..
These walls actually define suffocation!!

Fed up of smiling so fake!
that smile...holding pain in it's wake,
Being addicted to.. hiding all my emotions..
chocked with all these suffocations..
I never noticed! when it became too hard to breath....
with my soul burning so deep.

I've been waiting for a call,
That i might not get tonight;
Getting lights off,
Provokes eagerness for those talks,
Did you even wonder those walks.


Sweatning up my eyes,
Then i came to realise;
I've long to go,
Holding up my bow...
Because you'll never be there i know.


I still have sigh,
Because i wanna know why?
You did that to me,
You was my world,why couldn't you see?
Let those memories again be...


Aming up towards the sky,
I really wanna know why?
You were the one who said 'hi',
And only one to wave 'bye',
I really wanna know why?

Facing darkest of the dark,
at the verge of loosing my lively spark!
it grows deep and intense everyday...
giving me wounds some or the other way.
something inside me feels incomplete;
may be some of those stories which I never revealed..
STRUGGLING WITH LIGHT AND DARKNESS!!
I've turned myself to mess!
every hope that knocks my door,
messes me up even more.
I still have a lot of things to deal..
things which cant be revealed!!
Growing DARK and COLD,
numb and mould!
everyday someone tries to shape me out,
i've lost myself to these self doubts!
SOMETHING BURNS ME EVERY MOMENT!
that particular burned even my resilience
this holocaust is BURNING ME ALIVE;
it owes my soul to thrive..

I am loosing myself bit by bit,
sec by sec...
EVERYDAY I AM GROWING DEAD.

Dead is LOVE..
what's alive is HATE!!

Standing behind these iron bars,
Holding a million wounds and countless scars..!!
Caged in my own thoughts;
With a constant feeling of distraught!
Unable to face my own face!!
Off-track somewhere while smiling so fake.
Too tired to confront,
Too lost to be awake..
Lost between hallucinations and alive,
With no reason left for me to survive!!

To the love i am in...
With the boy having amber skin!
With the eyes that dweel something deep within...
Failing the rarest fine gin!

To the boy i wanna wake up with..
This love story being my favorite myth!!

To the heart that's magnificently bright..
Whose mere presence give me eternal delight!
Who makes me daydream these nights!!

The boy who defines me enough..
Can i define this feeling anything apart from love??

My very soul FADING INTO ASHES....
SPELL BOUND to these everyday clashes!

Waking up with heavy eyes and heavier heart!!
Everyday there is something that makes me fall apart.
Tired of feeling choked amidst of chaos,
& Facing worst of all my bathos!
Life seems soo difficult over death!!
Now it  feels like loosing myself in every single breath!

I fell soo deeply for his vibe that i traveled this far just in hope of his proximity.
The best part is he never noticed this.
I still miss him.

To,
A friend i met in the middle of darkest sea,
A friend who held me free..
With whom i shared my core!!
Who promised that we still have our lives together to explore..
The one who stood by my side,
Hiding his pain aside!

The one who punished me with his absence,
Without my consent!!
Holding these faded emotions...
With my heart resolving those numerous questions!!
I still defend you in my mind...
I still wonder why that connection lagged behind?

Hope you never get to know this.

I think we all have some infinity between some else's;
for me my infinity is more infinite than your's
and you may think the other way ...
why do we keep comparing it all the time??
but, we all have one thing in common we don't want to see it finite!!  if some infinity tends to be more infinite then the previous ones;
eventually it put's a limit over the other one making it finite..
the fact is infinity lies between a finite interval!!

Walking just by myself in this dark night;
With no glimpse of those so-called fairy light.
This darkness grows inside out !!
With a million screams in my head that shouts aloud!!
It's way to hard to stand!!
When light by your side meet shadows at the other end.
This night feels colder as i walk through,
As no humanly warmth makes way to me even in the que.
.
I am still standing here for that ray of light,
That never meets my sight.

you said i never loved you...
what if i don't know how to love??
what if i was never allowed to love??
to love you...
to love myself..
what if i was burning down deep??
what if i was the one who always weep???
they say i was wrong to chose you..
and you were wrong to chose me.
i always tried to prove the first one wrong
and you for the second;
eventually both of us proved all of it right.
i tried to love..
and i was proved wrong all the time.
now not loving anyone in this whole **** word seems right!

I want you to know that i traveled 2000kms crossing 3 states JUST FOR YOU.
I know you don't love me...
I don't know if i love you!
But the way i feel about you is the way i never felt for anyone.
I found my home in your vibe,
I wanted you to be a part of my life.
I don't know if it makes sens to you, to anyone in this **** world...
But i still feel something that dwells deep within my heart
JUST FOR YOU.

Move on is a myth!

Once it was where it meant to be,
now it needs to be set free;

The universe made it happen,
and then our bond slacken;

Light struggled with 'her' shadows...out there!
and then this eternal darkness appeared.

This time being in love,
I have a lot to sum up.
am loving you in pieces...
From my heart's Detroited crevices!
Every time i try to open up my heart..
It is rendered in many more parts..
Parts that hurts!!
In the depeths of wounds and many more cuts!!
It's like growing up in insecurities again!
It's like loosing myself in a much deeper vain..
Still i am trying to love at my best..
With all the things that hits me hard within loneliness's arrest!

Standing in the middle of these innumerable insecurities..
Still waiting for those fake possibilities!!
Surrounded by all those liars!
Who pretend to be my admirers;
Feeling too low to express..
Too low to introspect!
Loosing everyone I've ever had,
Everyday things grow even bad!!
Too alone to be consoled...
Too exposed to be hated!!
Feeling soo alone,
Amidst of this mess I've created..
Far away from life!
With nothing for me to revive.

Here I'm alone with tears...
Growing silent..numb.. holding all my devastating fears!!

Wearing a mask every now and then...
everyday I've got a new role to pretend!
Running for the expectations I am suppose fulfill..
standing over my own will!!
Many a times its terrifying  to be someone I am not..
being a people pleaser  is much more devastating than I've ever thought.
Amidst of this blunder I really don't remember where I lost myself to what I've become...
when 'I had MY PEOPLE' to 'I have none'.
Wasting my emotions over people who are not worth it,
I turned my own self into grit!

here in this space I still  have a regret over the path I paved...  
that led to my own grave!

Can you fall for a voice??
A voice that came from miles apart..
Can you fall for it everyday,
Every minute and every second of your existence???
Can you fall for a shadow??
Can you run behind it even in its complete absence??
Can you turn your life upside down just to hear it in real??
Can you leave your core just to see the one you never saw in real?
Can you explain this madness apart from love?
Can you feel it's absence even when you were never sure about it's existence??

I never let them know their mistakes...
I never let them know how I feel..
I never let them feel bizarre 'bout themselves..

I try hard not to make them fall apart..
I try hard to make each of them happy in every way I can..
I try hard to hide my wounds and scars given by them..

but

when i find all of this too tough..
when i'm fed up with this stuff..
when i'm discompose..
when their absence makes me feel calm & compose..

I let people go..
I move ahead, all lone and never let them know.

Deep down in shadows!
locked in dusky meadows...
Resides a consul;
with no one to console,
grown into a black body!
with silence as embody...
with all what's important;
she'll embrace her omnipotence.

Finally falling out of love and making peace fall in my way...!

Pain is something very personal,
For me it's being immortal;
I get thousand of wounds from people around,
It's only you 'pain' that surround...

People leave me for what i am,
It's only you 'pain' again that bam!
I get hurt from those villains,
That i get in my life in millions...

I feel like leftover that's left again,
With you 'pain';
It's you that makes me weak,
An intense emotionfreek...

It's you that returns back to me with interest,
While my good deeds rest;
It's you who would **** my kindness,
Because now i feel very less...

I think it's better to die,
Than to cry;
But i'm not among those cowards!!
Who are always with feet het backwards.

A void still remains.

Holding scars on shallow soul!
Struck in dark loopholes!!
Faking smiles! Behaving the way i am supposed to..
Towards all those adversities I am exposed to.
Waking up with tender eyes,
Loosing myself in disguise!!
Dodging my own self!
Hiding all my emotions in deep shelves!!
Blaming every possible reason for this void,
It's always there, even if I try to avoid.

Becoming something I an not..
Being happy by heart feels too hard than I've ever thought!!

Drowning in a bottomless ocean,
Waiting for my end out of this suffocation!!
Counting my breaths everyday..
As something or the other takes remaining of them away;
It's dark and a bit cold out here,
Accompanied by silent screams that comes from nowhere!!
I feel myself growing numb.
I still wonder how i was to what i've become.

Let's talk about the truth,
The eternal truth of my life!
I fell for u
I fell hard
I fell deep
Finally i got the perfect man of my life,
Then came an illusion of love in storming loneliness...
I swayed..
Over the grave of my love which had to wait!
I broke you!
Over to that i broke myself too.
And u just disappeared!
We met over our sonnets but never in real..
Thereafter your sonnets didn't apper..
Then he broke me to my soul!!
Over my efforts he made a drastic hole..!!
I lost you and me completely..
But someone else's started loving me deliberately!
Again i tried hard,
I tried deep to love that someone!!
But my heart always knew that u were the only one!!
I can not love
I can not leave
Cause this someone needs me indeed
And i need you...
As i said sonnets don't lie
Eveyday there is a part of me that cries!!
I wish i would have waited
I wish i could see u in real out of your images i've created..
As i said sonnets don't lie
It's been more than an year and your voice is the only thing i wanna hear.

Why it's soo easy to say that I'm okay! even when I'm not!
At amidst of the ocean suffering this drought!
with this heap of emotions that rot!!
suffering kinda adversities i never dreamt of!
inspite of explaining all what's wrong
why It's always preferential for me to drawn?
why am I always abandoned...

For now I've  learned to fake...
holding all my sufferings and still...awake.

Facing your pain alone is just like hell,
As you have no one to tell,
When you have emotions that smell,
But your pain can't be spell,
When you get hurt and still lonely dwell...

When your emotions on fire,
Over your satire,
And you've lost yourself entire,
When you see your crushed desire,
And still have no one you require;

When it's just unacceptable,
When you feel yourself rejectable,
And your self love is suspectable,
When your feelings should be in detectable...

When you just can't take it,
When it's never preconceptualised when you make it,
When you just can't rate it,
When you really hate it,
When you have pain in tonnes and you can't even weight it.

I don't know why i let u break me all the time!

Here in this suffocating place!!
sometimes with high at the other with low pace..
with many humiliations! to face,
I owe a path to trace!

waiting for my moment to shine;
for that, all of this is almost fine!
to make all these adversities sublime..
I have an ambition to define!!

Bearing up these doubt,
And not even freedom to shout,
I wish I had choice to think about..

I can't bother all this anymore,
More innocent I'm more they ignore..

Restrictions everywhere,
Freedom you don't even dare!!
Doubts and questions again and again over here..

I hate being accused every time!!
When I've not committed any crime.

I get punishments,
Even without breaking any commitments..

I really don't understand!!
Why it's all about holding my stand?

On the verge of this 'your so called freedom'
I want my wisdom,
Un accused from these questions that are dumb!!

Do we ever learn to unlove??
Or the process of unloving even exist!??
Isn't it the core truth that we tend to love over and over again and again...
From one "and" another, "and" there after!
Love just takes birth,
It never rests in peace but in pieces..
A divine form of energy that holds on it's persistent existence!
Isn't it the eternal truth that our love can't hurt anyone outside our own body!..
Isn't it the fact that this fire soothes everything outside the owner's soul!

I wish i could unlove you.
I don't wanna write for you,
I don't wanna sigh for you.

I want a conclusion

Either to get you

Or

To forget you.

From the pain i held..
To the hope i hold...!
From the darkness that trapped me...
To the truth that crushed my soul!
I was there with all the love i was left with....
And you with just the guilt!
This truth made me stand still...
I waited, and waited a bit more!
Then my heart closed all its door...
From then till now,
I gave whatever i had..
But loving have never been this bad!
We are close
But not close enough...
Insanely far to sum up,
But my heart never gives up..
Here i stand infront of you everyday...
With a hope that you'll love me back someday!!
My soul knows the day won't come...
But this heart still stand by,
It hurts even more as the time passes by!
I know i'll stand again to get hurt...
To get some new wounds and cuts!

Save me from myself