I just ran.
I didn’t fight,
I didn’t try to
Get him away from you
I didn’t pull him
By his shoulders and
Rip him from your
Near corpse, no.

I ran.
I just, ran into
The room with fear
In my hands
Making it difficult
To lock the door
And I never once considered
How the hell you would get in.

I never told him to stop
I never told him to go away
I never told mom
And I never had the confidence to say
What I needed to
To get him away from you
And help you breathe
Again.

I sat there on the floor
With my sister in my lap
With headphones in her ears
No chance of
Hearing the searing
Screams
Let out by your small
Body

I just let it happen

And with every breath
I took
I knew he was taking one
Away from you
Knocking the ability to properly
See, away from you
And I
Who was just scared
Sat there with no thought
Of trying to make it stop

God I’m sorry

If I had just pushed him away
If I had just gotten him off
If I had just let him see how it
Affected me and
Let it sink in that this
Is not how you treat children
Maybe I could’ve helped
Prevent it.

But I just ran
I didn’t fight
I didn’t try to

And it’s my biggest regret
That I didn’t help you.

brittlelittletinyfrail
seem like words you'd use
to describe something dying
or something delicate
something beautiful

brittle
like my bones
lacking the right
vitamin
because I won't let
anything in
past my lips

little
how I want to be
but for me
it isn't easy
constantly torn between
starve
and live

tiny
and grey
like the color of my face
when things get a little dizzy
after a day of standing
and going with nothing showing
in the x-ray of my stomach

frail
like my feelings
how I want to be seen
with secret strengths
hidden just behind my teeth
that no one will see
because, no
I will not eat

and more

I am breaking                 but I am made of glue
I am defiant                    but I listen to you
I am strong                     but I'm decaying inside
I am healthy                   but I'm surprised I'm alive
I am dying                      but I'm fine

WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS CONSTANT THRUM OF SUICIDE RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD

never once does she say
'**** yourself'
oh no
she sounds like a mouse
a whisper
the first flower through the snow

she coos
'Just one less meal'
she sings
'Just one more day'
she demands
'Just one less pound'

her voice is like glass
hammered into my jawbone
sometimes when I speak
it isn't actually me

and I know she's trying to hurt me
the closer I get to her
the uglier she becomes

but her voice is like champagne
bubbling to the surface of my mind
telling me

brittlelittletinyfrail

It's only human to want to cry when your entire life seems
to fall apart

It only makes sense that when your mind bends you do everything
to make it all stop

It's totally normal when your heart crunches in your rib cage causing blades to dance across your skin

It's just need when I hold another body close to me in order to
forget about you

It's okay they all say but they don't know about the people living in
my head telling me what to do

It's totally fine to skip a couple of the times you're supposed to eat
at least if it makes those jeans fit

It's just something about music so loud your eardrums bleed
that seems to help us breathe

It's only human

*****
A bit
Obscene
Just  a few kisses
Between my knees
Please
Don't make me beg anymore
Like a ***** *****
I am not her
But I want you
Till it hurts
Just place your hands
On my burning skin
And
Grab, squeeze, scratch
Till my head spins
Just a little *****
Just a little more
Make me a pretty princess
And the nastiest of ******

How many
more pounds to go?

Well let's see
I drank some tea
and that was 0 calories

Also had some coffee
for the energy
I can't produce on my own anymore
0

****,
I also had a granola bar
that's another scar on my record
that's 140

And that salad tonight
that was a real fight
with mom
it was also 205 but
lets round it up to 300 to be safe

And all of this
together, 440

What would you even call me?
A pig for these 440
little monsters

Little ******* sewing my
jeans tighter over night
I have to fight to get there

How many more pounds
are left to lose?
440 calories
and the weight of my bones

I'm not in the mood to write a ******* poem that rhymes.
Sorry,
I'm in a bad mood.
Like my life is insignificant
and it doesn't matter to anyone
unless of course
it would make them look good.
And very clearly now I am able to see that this is true
considering you just waltz in and ruin
everything I have built from
the ground ******* up.
When did your presence become a wrecking ball
tearing up the halls and drowning art away?
My ******* art.
And why is fair that no one cares about
anything anymore?
Yes roses are red and violets are blue
but so are you and I am too so
why fill us up with lies that eventually
make us want to die?
Don't ruin my world
because yours is falling apart
just let me go as not to crush my heart
you walk away from the mess you made
and expect me to clean it up?
No.
You always told me that you didn't like poems
that didn't rhyme. Like they were wrong
or broken.
And now I realize that
you treated me like what you wanted me
to be and that is not who I am.
I do not rhyme. I'm sorry.

I don't want to write a ******* poem that rhymes.

As protruding collar bones
and hip bones
and ribs

As hunger
and money
and happiness

As knowledge
and wonder
and sadness

As crop tops
and skinny jeans
and piggyback rides

As thigh gaps
and dainty hands
and jawlines

But
I am not beautiful

I do not have bones that push so far out of my skin
That they tower above skyscrapers

I do not have size 00 jeans
or 32 A cup bras

I do not have a scale that doesn't sigh
when I step on it daily

No
I am not beautiful

I was taught I am ugly
I am a pig
I am the definition of repulsive

Beauty is taught
And so is self hatred

You pretend I don't exist most of the time
So why does it hurt more today?
Especially after I told you not to speak
to me,
at me,
with me.

Maybe it's because some dying part of me
actually had hope
in you.
Insane, I know
You,
of all people

I know that it's just a birthday
that tomorrow will bring normalcy
that today I still have tests, school, homework
that we'll just have salads and maybe
I won't have to do as much work
that we'll eat pie, maybe get high
And still,
Nothing has changed

But for some reason,
I still had hope for you
and now,
with everything you've put
me through,
When I blow out the candles
I'll still wish for you

But I don't think you mean it
Because "Sorry." means "I regret."
               And you don't
                                     Regret

No, I don't think you mean it
Because "Sorry." means "I won't do t again."
               And you still
                                    Do it

See, I don't think you mean it
Because "Sorry." means "I'll try harder."
               And you never
                                       Try harder

No, I'm sure you don't mean it
Because "Sorry." means "I love you."
               And you don't
                                      Love me