In my room by the sea
I counted the minutes between
The water cascading over my roof
Tangled seaweed
Kelp
Flitting
Dancing
Brine crusting lungs
Pieces flaking off every time I exhale
I used to hate the smell of the ocean
How it would burn my nostrils
Close up my throat
Sting my eyes
The sand rubbing my skin raw
A smooth eloquent mix of blood
But now
I'm fine
I've been down here so long
I don't have anything to go crazy about
The soothing noise of the sea
Has just become blank to me
Tugging tides
Frayed lines
Somehow
I manage
To find solidarity
In these sea-foam lies
Dear me
How comforting

Seeing the torment
Savoring the grief
Smelling the anguish
The thing under this skin prowls
Aged
Immortally blissful
******
Bitter liquid down my gullet
Its gullet
Its body
What happened
Between this mirror switching face?
I don't remember having steel gray eyes
The skin on my knuckles breaking
Nails sharpened
Senses heightened
Canines elongated
I thought
That if I had shattered this mirror
I could keep the beast in
Keep it from your eyes
But in shattering this mirror
I let it out
And it came right through my skin
An arrow tipped in blood bane
A clouded fume of smoke surrounded my eyes
And when I woke up
I saw myself  
Every part
Presented every thing done on a silver platter
Good
Bad
Horrendous
Things that should never see the light of day
Golden bells chiming the good things that I've done
Singing long forgotten praises
In a lilting reminisced language
Sapphire tears cutting paths along my unmarred skin
Blood twining down
Dancing along to the rhythm of the song
Sitting
Collapsing is more like it
Snow gliding up around me in a cloud
White dust
Not exactly as addicting as the drug  
I take it all in turning it over
In quivering palms
After all of these years
Of fighting my own self
I've finally learned how to love it all
A little more everyday
Iron glints
Nails smooth
Rounding out
Canines go back
To a reduced size and a reduced time
I look back into the mirror and see myself
Today I own a little bit more of my beast

Hands cup my face
Calloused warm
A scar on the left hand on the pointer finger
I kiss each palm
Thorns biting into my lips
Blood trickles down my chin
Over the crest of it
Down my neck
I sit in a lap
Another arm braced across my back
Mirrors staring at me that dance with humor
Ever changing
Safe
Warm
A heavy presence
Safe
Captive
I'd go as far as to say prisoner
But I can't I love it here
I finally found somewhere I belong
I'm content to be caged
I've never soared higher
Cerulean skies
I'm content to be shackled
Kisses chaining me down
A welcomed pressure beating in my heart
I'm the happiest captive ever
Forever loved
How can I not be ?

She told him
That she had a timer
That her story would be short lived
"I don't have enough pages for you to read"
He said that was fine
Some of the best stories are always short lived and end in cliffhangers
A signed contract
Two agreements
Willing participants
It's been fifty six days
He's watched the ink
Encircling her wrists
Oxidizing
Black flaking off
Skin growing more sallow
Edges looking as if they've curled in
Brittle
Brown with age
She told him
He wouldn't have enough pages to read
Less is more
He silently thought
The book closes

Always be careful
Traipsing through the wood
Mother would say
I didn't listen to mother
Hardly ever did I listen
Frost biting thighs
Pacing
Not my pacing
I can't move
A lion stares back at me
Paws bigger than my hands
Splayed on the ground veins of blood snaking between them
I shiver
Not because I'm cold or scared
I'm just amazed that I'm still alive
I take in the lion still pacing
Eyes never breaking contact from my face
A brown coat
Light brown sparks of caramel shimmering
Eyes
It's been staring straight at me
And I haven't even noticed his eyes
Teal
Light green
Silver
Almost illuminated
A coarse patch in its otherwise smooth mane
Four paces
Closer
Nine paces
Closer
Our breathing mingles
I was already frozen
But I could at least feel my blood circulating through my body
The slight inflated rise of my lungs
Stunning
This lion lowers himself
Eye level with me
And I can move now
I get off of my thighs I stare at my hands
A tug in my gut and I'm down on the cave floor
Laying on my side
Across from each other eyes locked
I fell asleep heat brushing over me
A cocooned blanket  
This is how we fall asleep
For many nights
His eyes are always the last to close

Time
Has always been a bane in my existence
Counting down to when the sun rises
When my chest heaves
Tears filled with hours and minutes
The small squalor of morning
Hum of engines
The world spinning on an axle of time
Smooth click click
Of keys
A horn or so down the street
Someone's speeding again
The impending boom
The war horn of the crash
Signaling that the time for someone else's life
Is up

When the stars fall by
I can't feel anything
It was my fault
No matter what I did
It would never fix anything
I was just on this frozen lake
I don't want to be here
I hate it here
It's always cold
And now that the stars I adored have fallen
There's no light
And soon enough there won't be air
And all I can do Is just stare up at this dark sky
And ask
How can this be fair?
I tried
But it was just like trying to swim without arms
And now that I'm happy
You have the nerve to be mad at me for letting go
I didn't understand you then I still don't know
I'm sorry
For what for I still can't figure it out

The way you look in the morning
How you think its disgusting and your hairs a wreck
You're right
Your hair is always a wreck
But its cute and mussed with sleep
Or hibernation
As I like to call it
But I never see the disgusting thing
Like maybe for you the sun just burns it away
But its not there to begin with
I'm jealous
Especially of your eyes
I joked once that
Whatever divine being got the task of tailoring your genetics
They did an experiment for science and put mood rings in your eyes
And I
I fell flat On my *** the first time I saw your eyes
Like holier than hell
Sometimes if I can't discern your mood
I will actually just use your eyes
I still love that little thing you do without noticing it
Stretching and tucking your face into your LEFT arm not your RIGHT arm
Or how your right eyebrow will just **** if something confuses you
Or just for no reason at all
I tried to help you open an ice pop over webcam
It didn't really go well
But I wanna say thank you
For the most wholesome moment I may or may not have Encountered in my life
I don't wanna laugh when you struggle but honestly could you blame me?
it was cute
I just wanted to say thank you
I could've said it by just saying those two words
But I guess this is an example of what's behind those two words
And there's so much more behind them
Thank you

Dark and Deep
And it hides between the sheets
Dark and deep
Deep in the sheets of your mind at least
Dark and Deep
You wanted to hide
Dark and deep
We know you tried
But you can’t hide
Dark deep you know you tried
But there’s no escape
Dark and deep
Your mind haunts you in your sleep
Running
Dark
And
Deep

I messed up
I loved you I'm sorry
It wasn't a mistake
Confirming it for you
Would only force me to acknowledge its existence
I'm on my knees
I shed a few tears
They slide down my face
Off of my chin
And in between my splayed hands
Shards of glass kissing my palms
Blood and tears rejoicing
I dug this grave
I stand up
I drop myself into it
I smile
Heaving up my brown crumbled blanket
Over my waist
Up to my collarbone
And over my head
The dirt absorbing the blood from the hole in my chest
I heard glass shatter
I felt a crack
I've been here before
Heard that sound before
Looking over my shoulder it hits me
You'll be here but I won't take that up
Father time gave me a specific amount
I probably shouldn't have
I spent it with you
While planning things in the background
Ribbons and pretty flowers twine up through the dirt
I close my eyes
One last breath escapes
One last bitter smile
Resentment towards myself
My fears
My insecurities
Not to mention how stubborn I am
I'll look happy but when you exhume my grave
Knock on my chest
You'll find a resounding hollowness
Bestowed by my own actions
What pretty flowers for such a sorrowful soul

(1). Loving you was like taking a rusted knife down the skin of my hope
And slowly flaying it approximately moving only two inches within every three minutes.

(2). If I could've I would have slapped you as hard as I possibly could the moment you wouldn't take your hands off of me only allowing it
Under the guise of "this is the way he shows he loves you."

(3). Trying to get you to let me love you to love me to love you
Was like trying to squeeze into a dress that was just one size too small

(3). The lines blurred halfway through the relationship and my tongue always felt too heavy when saying "I love you too"

(3). Trying to get your attention when it was something that I liked or it was something important to me
Was like going to the beach vacuuming up SAND and then putting it in my car and trying to get it out over the following few months. I never could just get it all at one time I'd find bits and pieces waiting for me.

(3). But there will forever be a small part of me that is just too naïve to not love you. Not the ******* that you turned into over those few years. No the person that I would always walk into gym with laughing the person I would continue to laugh with even after I got home. Who would notice my absence and when I wasn't in a room that I should've been in.

(4). You may have changed and that's granted just like the tides changing. But I think maybe if they could actually have a conscious they'd always remember where they came from.

(4). Just like how I remember where you came from still holding onto a little corner of hope. That maybe you'll wake up and realize that what you've become isn't good.

(4). But a crystal castle can shatter and I know you won't

(5). I knew that when I looked into your eyes and saw that candle flame wasn't there I should've left,

(6). Remember when I asked you how it would feel if I did this and you said not good. And then you turned around and did the same thing I didn't do. And then YOU had the nerve in hell to get mad at me. And because I'm easily intimidated you used that to your advantage. And soon enough you had me crying and crumpled apologizing to you. Because I remember that.

(7). When you said you loved me your lips were lined with sugar and ants were cascading off of your tongue. Every word you said was alive and stinging even when it was supposed to be accusingly soothing.

(8). When someone tells you that dating your birthday twin is "goals" it's not. And it will never be when their pH number starts to erode because of how acidic and toxic they've become. Don't listen it's a literal trap and I urge you to get out of that crumbling castle. Because you may think that stained glass is pretty when it catches the light but it'll never be pretty when it's coated in your blood.

(9). I don't hate you

(9). I don't hate you
I don't hate you
It's been a broken record repeating in my head because there are two sides that realize maybe I should maybe I even deserve to do so.

(10). I don't hate you and I don't love you anymore not like I used to I love a dead person and they'll always be close to me. But they won't keep me from moving on because I know that they'd want me to be happy. Now who you are is just someone who graces my keys. My nightmares and my pen. I told you once on a day that wasn't good for you. That if I had to write until my hand fell off all of the things I loved about you I would.
Every Christmas
Every thanksgiving
Every Easter
Every birthday that WE shared
  
(10). And even when I just wanted to see you smile. That was when I had a thirteen year old's unmarred un-abused bruised taken not  for advantage of heart. I loved you with a complete and innocent openness.
But now when I write about you there isn't a glimmer of warmth on a frost bitten day. And there's not a single cascaded bit of happiness.

(11). Thank you for reinforcing my appreciation of the little things that people do for me. And thank you for showing me how I should really be treated. Even though there were easier ways to do so. But sometimes if you're especially hard headed you gotta get hurt a little to know you should let someone go. Or even give up on the person they've become.

Some say
That a picture is worth a thousand words
But what if each word
Was worth a thousand pictures?
That every single piece you write
Contains an amber memory
An emotion stained shard of glass
In the word "love"
An aching heart in the word restart
A laugh sown into the hollow of your smile
A desperate sense of awe and kindled fear
In the knowledge of what we write
Will out live us
That in a sense we artists
Who rip their chests open
Warranting our sorrows and joys onto the world
We bare our arms
We show our scars
Some of us to feel like we aren't alone
Others to be a light in someones darkest corner
A warm pulsating orb
To be here
To show
You aren't alone
That we're here
Bracing your heart against the hurricane


Some say that a picture is worth a thousand words
But what if each word
Is worth a thousand pictures?

It’s a little hard to admit
Sometimes when I see you
Something
Something still speeds up
Something still recognizes you
Not you but who you used to be and I realize
With a calm cynical cascade of frost
That my life is a lot better without you in it
And I fought you
I fought you on every single inch
But something I've realized
Is that the way you went about it was wrong
You wanted me to let you go but you did it the wrong way
When someone is fighting you and you know that they adore you
Like you were the very last barely running fountain
IN HELL
But you still negated the discomfort
I told you from day one when you wanted to leave
TELL ME
I'd stop pushing my own head underwater
Barely succeeding
In making you happy and what you needed
You belittled me
(I let you)
Only needing me whenever you were feeling insecure about yourself
Yes it would've hurt when you left but what hurts
What hurts
What hurts more is
You
You took the time to grow fangs
You drained my personal vat of happiness
But you left the one for your own
Alone
You took your claws and shredded my own common sense
That you got me so used to it
That I let you
That I automatically would think
"this is how I should be treated."
And if any guy was nice to me after we broke up
I'd think
"What the actual hell are you doing? Do you want something from me?!"
I took a human kindness as someone just talking to me
For profit….
But you
You burned everything away
You smiled
And knew that if you could turn this fierce of a lover
Into that fierce of a self destructive soldier
Face caked in grime
Boots grown out of blood
Sleeves stained red
All of this from a war with myself
And I don't know when the bomb
Stuffed with self loathing
Stopped dropping
I don't know when the bangs in my head
Stopped
But I know that loving you was the hardest thing I put myself through
But I also know
Even though it was my own self created hell
I've changed for the better
I may not be happier
But I've changed

I have this shard of glass
Safely tucked into my wrist
My blood runs over it washing it clean
I see my grave in it whenever I'm sad sometimes
A curved opaque headstone
"Here lies dearly beloved"
The dirt freshy tilled with my tears
The stone shiny and whitewashed
Red streaks down the back
Sometimes I take out the shard
And I flit it between my fingers
The blood oozing down my arm
Liquid coating my pants
And when I slide the shard back in
The blood dries
The world stops spinning
And I can breathe evenly
Except I can't see my future anymore

Sometimes I take all of my regrets
I make a fist
And I smile
Shoving them behind my teeth
I ball up the sadness and I fit it into the hollow of my over bite
Because it's just enough to where it makes a perfect little space
I take the tears and I let them run over my smile
The salt white washing them and bleaching them
Brittle enough to break
But the pressure has been under
Just under enough
To where they stop bowing
And they straighten back
Or as straight as they'll be
They've told me before
That if I keep things in
Like sadness or regret per say
That it will turn me into its own personal feast
But with this cleverly tailored smile
I've made sadness the butter on my sandwich of regret
And I've learned to spread a napkin over my lap
And turn it into lunch
The crust perfect
Fresh
Vibrantly decayed
Breathing in the black mold
Hoping in some way that it'll flay through my lungs
The lungs that get fatigued sometimes
Tired of rising
Heart a beaten horse who's never been revived
Maybe eating my own literal feelings
Wasn't a good plan
But with this shotgun wedding of a brain
It seemed fine at the time
Instead of taking my heart out of my chest
And giving it over to a new black vat of a home
The living room curtains fluttering happily
On a wind of calculated despair
Some symphonies are never perfect
But even in their chaos they construct beauty

I sliced through my ring finger
Stopping at the nerve in seventh
Seeing you is kinda like that sometimes
A not so good tingly nerve pain echoes through that hand
Going to that insignificant part that still cares
You were my first love how can I not
In faerie you've got to make due with what you have
I looked into iceberg blue eyes
Deep sea blue
From electrified gray
But only when there would be a storm a brew
Just my own tears I knew there wouldn't be any gentle voice
Laced with concern knew so well that there would just be an annoyed look
But now
I wake up to a deep forest green and a voice that's drowned in concern
Like tea steeped too long coating my worries into stardew for the sun to melt
Lulling me back to sleep a molten silver when you ask how my day was
A soft blue liquidized with worry when you heard me crying last night
It blended into a glowing cobalt after I told you it was stupid
I know that if you were here you would've tilted my chin up
And told me that nothing I could ever say would be stupid to you
And when I told you
You just told me that it was the sweetest thing ever
To know that I had a soft and caring heart
It shouldn't be
With years of crusted plaster over it
You seem to be taking a hammer and ice pick
Slowly cracking through those layers
Tender sunset kissed flesh beneath
A healthy heart
That isn't entirely shattered
I tried to keep it safe for as long as I could
I think
That it worked
Because the blood is still rushing
And I wake up to you
Asking me how I slept
And my heart speeds up
So I guess I did something right
In ending up on this twisted road to you

Sun rays shimmering
Champagne days glossed over
Caramelized love
A mere damper on sadness
Thumbelina through the looking glass
A smile on the other side
Wind swimming through the field of your laugh
In the end did these memories even matter?
Or were they just supposed to teach life lessons?

If I lose my memory
Tell me
About the love I lost before that
When I lose my memory
Remind me that I always loved your smile
When edges dog ear
Crease
And
Crumple
Slowly wearing down
Remind me what snow smells like
Remind me that I gave my all
To watch it blow away
I want you to tell me that I opened a door during a game
And you were behind it
Granted you were trying to stab me
How romantic
Show me
That sometimes our all isn't enough
And that people can't change
And that's alright
Because some pain isn't eternal
That some of these scars will fade
It just takes time
Tell me because I don't remember
That when the hands of time fall off of my clock
And the pendulum stops swinging
Your laugh picks those hands up
And slowly starts making them tick again
And your smile starts swinging my pendulum heart back and forth again
Remind me
When I'm a little bit older
And If I lose my memory
That you'll be there on the floor with me
Head to head
Cupping my trembling hands
Tucking that loose strand behind my ear
That you'll be there
To help me remember
That I loved you
Show me how to love you again
When I lose my memory
Remember
I've loved you from the second I met you
I didn't know
But it was there
Just remember for me
I love you

I've  been spending my nights
Sipping whiskey tainted delights
Weaving together loose threads
I bet that if we dusted my heart
We would only find your finger prints
Finger prints
No indentions
No cave ins
Like you were trying to hold onto it
For fear of losing it when it tried to walk away from you
If you splayed your hands out
You would be able to find my heart beat
Stretching across the first two lines
That join when you put your hands side to side
You can see how it speeds up when I hear your laugh
You can see how it slows down when I think something might be off with you
You could see how it speeds up when I think about your eyes
Writing is the finest paintbrush
That I could ever use to try and impress you
Words sealing seamlessly together
The vibrancy from them mesmerizing you
Convincing you that maybe
Just maybe this once
I'm worth wasting your time on
And staying with for just a bit longer
Along this waltz
Of a waning summer's eve
A speckled splash of falling red
Emerald green joining in the dance
Gold leaf gilding your laugh
Droplets of gray underlining your smile
Only flaking when a saturnine willow weeps
Just for that smile to come back out
The gilded joy of your laughter
Echoing through
Crimson fades
Blue delays
And I find
I get to be stuck here with you
Except I'm not stuck here
I'm happy to be here

I turn my volume up
Till the voices slowly fade into gray
My heart marches
Along a solidified line of doom
Representation of how the phrase
"I'm fine" is pinned into the center
So instead of just saying it
When my heart beats each time
Eighty beats a minute
It'll say it too
It'll believe it too
So that means I'll believe it
When it croaks from my throat
Searing a path
Burning dishonesty
I have to
When it traces the seams
Of my most vital *****
Besides my brain
But that's fine my brain is taken care of too
Its got the shining
Defiantly bright
Undimming
Tattered word
"Happy"
Swathed around the Cerebrum
Happy
Crusted into the grooves of cerebellum
Happy
And entombed into the brainstem
Happy
I'm happy
I'm fine
I'm happy
My crumpled and wrinkled soul knows differently
So many holes
In this black stained fabric
Moths of self consciousness
Fluttered wings and feasting teams
I'm happy
I'm fine
I smile
I believe it



Almost...

I can thread it through my fingers
Running it in between my fingers
Going over the material of events
Perpetually stargazing what went wrong
Maybe because we were both Scorpios
That's why it didn't work out
Our stingers would both fight for supremacy never getting along
I was always debating every possibility every wrong turn every right turn
Hell even the left turns and the right turns and the U turns
I always wanted to have a plan A
And C
And B
And Z
But I know that even with all of my plans I still had the main plan to love you
So much so
That I loved you better than I ever loved my cracked reflection
The lines spreading out from my eyes
Grazing my throat like a choker that always fit too snuggly
Seeing you is like seeing a quicksilver flash
Just pain and happiness holding hands and dancing in a circle
Making love in sweet July rain
You were always the crashing thunder
I was always the lighting
Illuminating what you never wanted to show me
Because you put me in a glass case
Not because you thought I was delicate
Too delicate for this world
Or because I was a shining object graced by time
You were putting me behind that door
So when you walked away I wouldn't be able to follow
Locked away to be stared at whenever
Avoided after
But I think you forgot
We both kinda forgot
That lighting strikes back
And when I finally got fed up with your ****
I destroyed that glass case
And handed you your *** and never gave you what you wanted
Which was funnily enough
Me
But I was tired of that and I got exhausted from always putting you first
So I decided to break it
And yes
It cut deep
But after everything I've seen
Those shimmering shards that drew my blood
Used it as paint on yet another one of life's canvases
Was worth it
So take as much as you need

My bones
They gently cave in
The surface meeting the bottom
Almost like the way your toes splay and shift when walking on sand
Waves of chaos
Tidal blues of panic
Crests of anxiety
Undertows of worry and fraught
My hands quiver
Disastrous stalks
Sway in the wheat field that I unknowingly manufactured
Snaking fissures
Rising up through the slated grey dirt
A beasts maw
Awaiting its next meal
And for desert it'll be my mental health
A deformed shish kabob
I bite down on the vegetables and meat
Only to find a rotted old blood taste in my mouth
Before I can spit it out or even change my mind
My teeth have sown themselves up
My lips have sealed shut
I can't ******* tears
I can't taste the years that I wasted
I tried to the best of my abilities
I showed the world a tender sort of love
That it never thought to show me '
Because when something is beautiful  
I'd rather leave it for other people to see
Because whenever I pick something
It either devours me whole as a result
Or it rots in my fingertips
Gently and lovingly coating each one
One last whisper of a kiss goodbye

"You're gonna die ******* laugh" ~ Hasan Minhaj Homecoming King

Laugh you ******
At least this is what I think when I'm trying to get someone to laugh
We all die its gonna happen
Whether you die today or die tomorrow

LAUGH

Don't force it either it has been proven that forcing laughter
Is actually unhealthy for you
I'm not really sure how it works If it stacks up or not

LAUGH

Maybe I'd just have to find out but I also remember
That I've been twisting and pinning my laughter up at the edges
I've been orchestrating the downfall of my vocal chords for so long

LAUGH

There is not a more convincing sound in the world but my laugh
Two things woven together seamlessly
False and true have blended into a new vocal sound for maybe

Maybe its Maybelline
Maybe its sadness and happiness
Twirling each other around on the dance floor

LAUGH

Just laugh today alright?

Take a breath for just a second
And try to remember the warmth of being content and ok

Or if you're eating french fries
Take two and tuck them under your upper lip
Go look in the mirror cause now you're a walrus

And remember.

You're gonna ******* die and time runs through your laughs

So laugh while you still can

And not giggling from your grave cause no one can hear you

LAUGH

The first time I got *******
I told you that I loved your eyes
Because I could see my reflection in your left
And our past in your right
You laughed and told me to just shut up
Because I couldn't tell left from right
Loving you was kinda like that
I could never tell left from right
I could never tell right from wrong
And I could never quite tell
If you loved me or not
You see when I was drunk
Everything was marked up
"I love you" was stained with pretty colors
And purple bruises  
Sharp edges  that always cut when hugged
Hands that always squeezed too tight
When I wasn't drunk I couldn't stomach being with you
Your affection always ended up crashing like glass it was never real or true
It was false
Cheap plexiglass
It was supposed to keep me from falling
But now my blood rains down with shards that fall down to the ground
Crystal stained rain
Pretty to look at
Harsh to touch
That's like what loving you was like
A stained porthole of worry and doubt
Longing and rejection
False laughs and artificial sunlight
I always wondered if you dipped our happiest moments in sugar
It was only confirmed when fire ants started to eat me alive
The minute you slid that slipper onto my foot
I thought that it was something perfect
Until it became stained with my blood
Different shades of red
A sick blue
A fractured pane of glass is all I see
As the color slips through it
Silkier then a lovers laugh

I sit outside
Gazing up at the sky
I find myself wondering if there's even a way
To get this last week to sip bourbon
Just so it'll be too drunk to find its way home
And in its intoxicated judgement it'll choose to stay
Add on a few more days to this death sentence
Just a few more sunsets is all I want
A few more sips of your laugh to get me tipsy
If I followed the curved road of your shoulder blades
Would it get me back to the beginning of june?
As to avoid the emerald colors of prancing fall
Who will soon give way to swooning winter
With its gusts of cold love and bitter affection

Unity

Is such a funny five lettered word  
Unity makes me see two hands clasping together
Happiness melting through their respected fingers
As if it were butter in the savannah
The sun blessing them with outlining rays
Newly minted and cherished
Everything in the world freezes
Glossing over in perfection
But it only has its perfection because of this newfound love
The world spins in harmony
The atmosphere shatters into a thousand lovely harsh shards
Each one numbered with a past memory of yours
Soon those too will meld together with the present
You see the past and present have always been in love with each other
They share your heart break
They divulge in your laughter
Passing the goblet back and forth between each other
Watching the sun set over this broken boulevard
Strolling down the broken and shattered pavement
Of the floor of your memories  
Grays and blacks symmetrically folded together
Past and present
Ran into death and life
Who would've thought Unity
Would've caused this much peace
In our misshapen world

You hate that I wear your shirts
Specifically the ones that you got from being in the marines
Its just I don't know you

I never really did
So I wear your shirts because you've worn them
And I was hoping that the fibers would tell me who you were

The woven strands would tell me about your personality
The dyes would tell me about your past
A history written in cloth

The folded crisped sleeves
Telling me about what happened in the past ten years of not talking to each other
You see I **** at talking about what I'm feeling

The only proper way I can is spilling it through the tip of a pen
Or pouring it into a keyboard
I'm slowly reminded that your shirts don't take on a condescending tone

Telling me that I'm just a kid
Part of me was hoping that
Some kind of weird information transfer would happen

Your shirt and I would swap information
So the next time you put it on
(If I hadn't taken it with me)

Everything I've been through would swap into your head and be processed
And you'd stop calling me a little kid and you'd realize that
I **** at showing emotions and that you aren't a brother to me

You're a stranger
And you left
When you did I had to grow up because you were the first to go

Ten years ago you left and I don't hold anything against you because I don't know you
And my earlier memories are always swirling eddies
A fogged shower mirror that I can never make out

You left and when you did you left a child behind
Someone who still had chimed belled laughter
Will o the wisps smiles

Someone who treaded on pearl ingrained feet
But those pearls began to sink in and cut
Only to become blood rubies

Unforgivingly beautiful
And seductively painful
I walked back into your life on those ruby kissed feet  

I stood a little taller
My shoulders a little broader
My face a bit more graced with age

Hi

I'm your slightly older younger sister
How have you faired these past ten years?

Sadness creaks through the crevices of my heart
Black
Slick
Oil
I'd been happy for a long while
So long in fact
I'd forgotten how it felt
I'd forgotten how it tasted
A bitter mellow felt coating my tongue
Unwanted red velvet
It shrivels from the world
Erasing itself from the history of spoken words
Vocal communication
My voice box and its chords disintegrate
Deeming me unworthy of speech
The order passed by my forgotten friend
Signed and decreed by my weary ears
Who are tired of hearing me talk
The muffled cries have turned into a broken record  
My mind has stopped printing
Because it's tired of reading my thoughts
Marking them down and making them semi permanent on paper
A Mache record spinning under my needle tongue
Cranking out dismal beats and notes
The morning dew deflates and turns to a mood ruining gray
The sun shines white
Colors run through my field of vision
As if somehow
They've got somewhere more important to be
Instead of bringing my life color
The necessary pop
The only excitement
And here I am hands splayed
Flabbergasted
Trying to convince these things
That are on the scientific spectrum
Of things that the human eye can see
That I'm worth letting me
See them
But even the crystal pale brown of my eyes
Seep through my skin
Just to turn into a glacier
Monochrome color

Drunk on silence
Drunk on happiness
I never really knew how straight your smile was
Or how it something so simple
That only takes 43 muscles to do
Could make my heart flutter and tingle so much
You're really special
And it literally turns my smile upside down
When you go in on yourself and degrade yourself so much
Drunk on violence
On anger
I never knew that there were so many things that you could get drunk on
That wasn't whiskey
Or bourbon
Or *****
Not to mention spiced ***
Over the course of my life I learned
That you can get high on good days
And crash on worse days
I've learned that life is just a huge cocktail
Except you're in Russia
And instead of you drinking it
Savoring it's bitterly stinging caress
It savors you
It lifts you up to the edge of its lips
And takes a wonderfully large sip
Right from your life source
That's why you get up every morning
Feeling a little drained
Or that's why you don't get out of bed at all
And I know it's hard to find something to look forward to
But in the end when you find that something
Or someone
It'll be worth it
The darkness will shrivel away
And your day will get sunnier  
So please
Just keep getting up
It's worth it It won't seem like it now
But it is I promise as long as you keep getting up
It's worth it
You're worth it

I want to scream I hate these lines
I hate this structured organization
They never stop and they always keep going on
Jesus just shut the hell up
Everything is too loud
Everything is going too fast
I can't handle this
My eyesight is bleeding out
Seeping through this page
Dotting it with blood
Its wonderfully terrific
Now I won't be able to see the bane of my existence
Everything in my head is too loud
It's so ****** loud!
It's ironic because when I scream
No one ever hears anything
It's all white noise
Delectable  
Dissectible
Deafening
White noise
I'm slowly swirling down into a whirlpool of madness
The worst part isn't that I'm scared
It's that I'm starting to become intoxicated by it
Haha
Help

A piano plays softly through my ears
My fingers waltz along the keys
Splaying my life out into a symphony
Every note
Cool
Calm
Cultivated  
A captivated audience is a blind one
They can't see what's going on behind stage
The puppets that rise along their strings
Forever to be suspended in space
Controlled and motivated
As long as I'm behind this piano
Mesmerizing the audience
No one will ever see the pool of blood
Arcing along my high heeled clad feet
No one will notice my strained smile
Or the flashing glint
Knives of bone
Protruding from my finger tips
Pray tell
Might I play a song for you?

I spun a fine metal string
I took four corners of my heart
Smoothing them out
With rarely loving hands
I attached the key to my newly minted kite
Out into the storm I swirled
Climbing the glass hill
So many fine lined fractures
I could find at least several sonnets
If only I stooped low enough to read
But alas I've crested my checkpoint
Outstretched you are
Thunderheads dominating the sky
Flashes of light
But my heart still flies on
Unhindered
Paper thin
Right where it's supposed to be
The key flailing gaily
Pure darkness
But sometimes darkness
It can be the brightest thing ever
And it's finally struck its mark
The X has been found
The electricity outlining your delicate veins
I never realized how pretty you were
Smoke curls out of my mouth
Stunned and dazed
Tendrils flowing freely
Dregs of adrenaline
Flooding out of my system  
I never knew that I could feel this way
I never knew
As I lay upon the ground
Watching my hearted kite drop gracefully
Shriveled and burned to a crisp
How important you were to me
Until we were struck
So in our dying moments as you finally reach me
I fold my arms carefully across you
Pressing you into my chest as if I could undo what I did
And we watch the storm rage
As everything slowly melts
Into a velvety soft black
And as one


We stop beating

Mushrooms

They're a tricky sort
I thought that these were the ones
That were safe to eat
But now I've kinda  tripped over my untied shoe lace
And into this vortex of color
Spinning down the base of the funnel
Down a multi colored memory lane
Up the base of a skeletons tap dancing spine
Over I went
And across I go
Pulled under by a pulsating fist of color
I honestly shouldn't have eaten it I guess
Isn't that how most things start out?
I didn't think that it would've been that bad of an idea
I see your smile in the fading rays of a neon rainbow
I smell your laugh as the first rain droplets splatter
Onto this earths crust
I keep swirling through these doorways of color
I'm trying to debate on whether or not I wanna be here
I don't have that much of a choice
Because I watch as my being shatters into three dimensional cubes
Memories splayed out on their surfaces
Regrets on the bottom face
Happiness on the top face
Sadness on the side
And rage remains on the last face
And in the center of that cube
Lays aspirations and dreams
Hopes and wants and needs
These are a few of my favorite things
My past is melting into a shaded future
God I should've checked
Before I let my hunger get the best of me
These colors sharpen my memories
The ones that already hurt without needing help
They soften the bitter edges
A cacophony of impossibility
I think I like mushrooms

Pray tell
Did your soul join the fish
When you died?
Did your lies swim within the same water
I've wondered about death
As everyone else does
Maybe
If I plucked off your scales one by one
They'd tell me
The answers ingrained on the fleshy backs
Blood dripping from your tail
I know you thought that
In dying
Peeling off your mortal shell
Leaving the muscles behind
Snapping the tendons connecting your bones
That you could get away from me
That you could leave me with unanswered questions
To be sown for another person
Passed on
But even now I've hunted you down
I've snared your soul
While you took another form
So simple
Granted even pretty
But now I've flayed your scales
I've split your tail in half
Seeking the answers to my questions
Some sort of comfort
Some sort of warmth
From the blood
Your blood
Seeping through my skin
Pleasantly warm
I see your large eye
Glassed over
Its amusing
They used to be so blue
With sharp cheek bones beneath them
But now they've just been angled
The flesh silver instead of a healthy pink
Fingers replaced with fins
Memories replaced with bubbles
Pray tell
Do your memories swirl in the vortex of under currents?
Am I down there?

Thoughtfully staring out behind a mug
The lip of it poised at my mouth
A flash of a smile
A hint of a rose
Black
Chai
Tea
It coats my tongue
Somehow sweet but still bitterly spice
Oddly comforting
A fallen petal
The warmth pooling
As if its been shot into my coalescing blood stream
Ripples spread out on a ponds surface
I'll love you like you were the last flower
Before a winter storm
Delicate and beautiful
Looking into the mouth
Of a frozen hell
But still refusing to bend
The way the wind wants you to
Splatters of blood on an almost white shirt
Echoes of  your laughter
Cacophonous in my own ears
A withered form of your smirk
When did this town burn?
And when did I let go of the match?
I still don't remember when everything changed
But does anyone really ever remember
Or is everything suppressed under snow coated stones

I love your eyes
I really do I don't tell you that often
If I made an honest love poem
It would be me telling you
That I wanna ****** you
With the simplicity of words and imagery
To paint the finest things that you've ever seen
Only using a flourish of an ink pen
Things that we both relate to
That we both see
I don't wanna just ****** what's in your pants
Honestly I could care less about that
I don't give a **** about it
Because love
I wanna ****** your soul
I wanna be the pied piper
That causes your laughter to dance
Through the roiling green mountain doors
Over the crooked floor
If you ever feel like you're falling
Its fine
I'm just your safety line in a roaring sea
At least I thought I was
Right now I can't really tell if you've turned into the sea
And I've turned into a helpless overboard passenger
But I know that I wanna name each and every single laugh
After a fallen star
Not the stars that sing
Prancing on the silver lined edge of a stage
The stars that tell us secrets
But only the ones who listen long enough
Patiently waiting
For knowledge to bestow their ears
That's what I wanna hear from your laugh
I wanna be dumbstruck
Simply because you smiled at me
The wind never blows against you
Or away from you
Because you
That's just how amazing you are  
That it curls and follows at your heels
That it wants to follow you
And when you snicker
Heaven collapses
And hell
Hell implodes
Because the devil himself
He gets down on his knees because your snicker
Is just so holy that heaven can't exist because of it
And hell can't coincide peacefully with it
Because it'll never be able to pump out enough evil
To even conquer the pureness
Or to even hope to defeat
The wholesome goodness of that single snicker
That I out of all of the people on this planet
Have gotten you to emit
Thank you for making my frost bitten days warm again

Without you
I'm empty
You see I never realized
How much of a constant factor
You had become in my life
Now I'm just hollow
Writers block doesn't even visit my bed anymore
I wish you'd come back soon
But with the outlook of today
It doesn't seem like it will happen
I'm going insane without you
I'm sorry I don't know how this happened
I should've taken better care of you
But then I remember that I did
You were spoiled
I loved everything about you
I'm sorry

I woke up with stardust in my eyes
All I could see was your smile
I wonder if we both knew what would happen
You said it was a good idea so I followed you
You said everything would be fine nothing could go wrong
I laughed and followed along carefully walking the edges of your smile
Tracing your lips with my fingertips
Watching the sun cast rays over your head
I remember when you said it would be fun being on the run
We could walk on the edge of stars
We would see the past go by on a dying ray of a nebula
We would dip our fondest memories in infinity
Casting them in forever
I looked over a bitter smile on my face
I don't have any memories but if I could
I'd cast your smile in forever
If I could I'd dip your laugh in infinity
I'd mold the butterflies you gave me in amber
To keep their bodies from succumbing to the natural cycle of death
It wasn't supposed to happen like this
We were supposed to walk on the edge of the galaxy together
We were supposed to dance on the graves of our enemies
Casting memories into starlight
Finding untraveled paths
Take the road less traveled
Find unexpected adventures
Find ourselves
But now that I think about it
You wanted me to be happy
You were just distracting me
Trying to be the silver lining over this dreaded situation
So when I look up
At the stars as we sit on the edge of the moon
Defying the impossible
Breathing in the air from space
You tell me that it wasn't supposed to go this way
And I look over at you
As you fade into the velvety blackness
And I find myself alone
Sitting at the edge of space
Suddenly cold
I still have a bitter smile on my face
And if I could I would dip your smile in infinity
I'd cast your laugh in forever
And I would mold the butterflies you gave me into amber
Forever to be preserved