When we met,
I was shattered
Into a thousand jagged pieces.

The first time
Your honeyed eyes
Met mine,
I knew you were broken too.

But as time went on,
I began to realize
All of my fragmented parts
Fit perfectly in to yours.

Am I a bad person
For the time I swallowed
All of the pills
You spent your rent money on?

Or that time
That I slit my wrists
And bled all over your rug
To get your attention?

How about for that time
I screamed all night long
Until I woke up the neighbors
And thought my lungs would burst?

Am I a bad person
For all the ways I have tried
Over the years
To fight off my sadness?

Sometimes being with you
Felt like the universe was fighting
For us to be together.

Sometimes it was too strong
And the way we were pulled in
Was too strange to be coincidence. 

But at every turn
We slapped it in the face.

Even now, I still feel that pull towards you.
And I'm not sure
I ever want it to stop.

You always ask
Why I do this to myself
Like you care.

And I make up excuse
After excuse.
But you would hate
To know the real reason.

I destroy myself so you can't.

Late at night
We used to sit outside
Smoking cigarettes
Talking about our lives.

I fell in love with you
All over again
Listening to the same story ten times.

And clouds roll would across the sky
Like smoke rolled over your lips.

The stars seemed to shine brighter for you.

The first day of Kindergarten,
I was overwhelmed
By every face in the crowd
Swirling in, blurring together

And under my breath, I chanted
"I want to go home."
Like a prayer.

The day after, they found me
Blood soaking the bathroom floor
I was locked away
In the sterile white of it all.

And under my breath, I chanted
"I want to go home."
Like a prayer.

Years later, I woke up
With blackened eyes and a bruised ego
Next to him
Pretending it was all my fault.

And under my breath, I chanted
"I want to go home."
Like a prayer.

Now, after all this time
And growing up
I still lay in bed some nights
And plead
"I want to go home."

You always ask
Why I do this to myself
Like you care.

And I make up excuse
After excuse.
But you would hate
To know the real reason.

I destroy myself so you can't.