on december 20th I saw an ambulance zoom down the street

five days before christmas
when the songwriter describes is both the most wonderful and hap-happiest time of the year
i saw an ambulance zoom down the street
and was reminded that death is real during the holiday season

and looking down the street it turned on
i saw the lights of the ambulance dancing with the lights of the season
dancing together
a sad bridge in a happy song

and i was reminded of a few christmases ago
my mom on the phone with her mom
my おばあちゃん (obachan)
telling my mom that she new she would be gone soon
and she was
and i miss my おばあちゃん (obachan)
more than words
and now
on december 20th
i saw an ambulance zoom down the street
i am reminded of her
and how death is real during the holiday season

i realized recently that i do love my friends
that word so easily gets thrown around now
that i was never sure that other than family and those i deeply cared for
that it would ever come out
now im not trying to give some kind of old folks home rant
about how things have changed
and love doesnt mean the same thing that it used to
like it doesnt hold the same weight that it used to
when in reality i feel like it holds more than ever
it's just easier to bear now
so we say it more than ever
in a world defined by hatred
its only right for us to love each other
whether friend or brother
son, daughter
sister, father, mother
cousins, aunts, uncles
significant others
now i didnt tell my friends i loved them
because the phrase was reserved for those i couldn't live without
but honestly, not trying to be over dramatic
but in terms of my friends
i dont think i would be alive without
like i dont think i could fall asleep at night, hugging my pillow tight and smile without
like i dont think i could get up in the morning and brush my teeth, clean my sheets and get in my car and drive without
and since i know that there are people that feel the same way towards me, theres no longer this strong sense of wanting to die right now
so i really love my friends
and i let them know that every chance that i can manage
because that old folks home sermon
about how love isn't the same now
doesnt do us any good
it only really does us damage

i could destroy forests with my love for you
it burns bright
but the people and places and things in its path
i cannot be held accountable for
the lives it may destroy
there is no blood on my hands
just love on my head
and affection on my heart
maybe this isn't the best metaphor then

i could melt icecaps with my love for you
its heat is unbarable
but the animals and shorelines and houses in its path
i cannot be held accountable for
even the penguins and the polar bears will perish
at the sight of my love
but my love is not murderous
it could never be
my hands and heart and mind and soul are clean
im just clinging on to stupid metaphors
that i feel like can describe
the multitude that my love for you grows
it comes in droves
and i cannot stop that
so sorry to you if i love you too much
ill try my ****** hardest to calm it down

I wonder if my old friends still think about me
I wonder if my old friends still talk
Like I talk about them
Because my old friends are still hanging out
Which makes me wish that I was there
Or present in some way
Even though my old friends were not good friends
Because good friends often stay
And when my depression showed up
All my old friends went away
And I was left with no friends
Old friends or good friends
That fateful day
Because I thought that they were good
But I was so sadly mistaken
They can cry with each other over getting older or fake death
But when real problems come they're not staying
And we were civil and nice one night before college
So much fun I didn't know what was about
But the same **** kept happening
No more invites for when they're all hanging out

you are wound so tight
but thats how tapes work
if you loosened
no beautiful music would come out of your mouth
and sing out a song unlike anything ive heard before
but when i look at you
i see strange things
seemingly pieces missing from your body and face
holes from the whole of a puzzle
i see now
you are wound so tight
because its the only thing keeping you together

im a worthless piece of trash
i live among the garbage cans
but someone missed the hole
so now i exist on the ground
just rolling wherever the wind takes me
while bugs infest my body
and find a home in me
theres no reason for my existence anymore
im used up
now worthless
no more of any importance to anyone
just something that disgusts anyone who walks by
a worthless piece of trash
am i

a year ago I tried to take my own life
and I afterwards I told my friends I was fine
But just needed to be alone
I was alone
I was beat up and worn out
And emotionally dead
It was if I had already ended my life
And now a year later so much has happened
I've lost everything
Literally everything
I feel defeated and empty and
Broken
But I no longer want to take my life
I want to be alive
And beat this ****
Because this **** is killing me
But I will not let it take my life
Like it almost did a year ago
I regret a lot
But I never regret not dying
Because I realized that despite this ****
Im the happiest when I'm alive

the church bells sound out of tune today
as if a bad omen for things to come
my friends don't feel like my friends anymore
just acquaintances i see from time to time
and sure we may have been talking
drinking
and laughing last night
but no matter how many times you say you miss me
its just way too hard to believe
they have new jokes
ones that i do not know
the punchline is there
and they're all laughing in hysterics
but i stay silent because i do not understand

the uncertainty of life is terrifying
and i want out
so please don't leave me alone
because out is where i may end up

why is it that nowadays
whenever anyone asks how im feeling
i just say that im ok
just a little bit tired
without even thinking
that answer comes out of my mouth
quick on the draw
even when im far from okay
when every day feels like a struggle to get up
and a struggle to lay down
trying to make sounds that resemble the word help
but shutting up about my problems like I was told to do
And I know that my co-workers don't want to hear me vent
But what would their reactions be
If they heard me snap back at them
"feeling depressed and suicidal"
awkward pause
see no one knows how to address suicide from the outside
they just tell you that they hope you feel better
as if it's just some sickness that will be gone within the hour
But other than that I'm okay
I'm REALLY okay
Just a little bit tired

it's hard for me to view death as a verb
but recently the idea of it has been more present
to the point of every night when i close my eyes
i dream of the death of someone else
a stranger
with a face that i only know in their last five seconds of living
haunting me day by day
pray that i never see their face
my dreams are not reality
but the line between the two is blurred
so every night when i close my eyes
that's the exact time that death becomes a verb

ive recently tried not being afraid
so every night ive been sleeping with my closet door wide open
hoping that there actually is a monster in my closet
and now with no imaginary barrier to stop it
wishing it to creep up on me
when my eyes are closed
and im vulnerable
and have it be just the monster and me
but ill be half awake
just like always when i sleep
so once i open my eyes to look where the monster once stood
where the monster once stood the monster no longer seems to be
so ill close my eyes again
and brave another night of closet open
in hopes one day ill open my eyes and see
the monster to which i seek

i feel sick
but not the kind of throw up sick
the type of sick that never goes away
no matter how many times you try to close your eyes and sleep it away
no amount of sleep can heal you
because whenever you awake you'll be just as sick as before
with constant feeling of uncertainty and pain

i am my own cancer
as tasteless as it may be
im eating myself away
moving throughout my body
at a record pace
im killing myself
slowly but surely, every single day

i took a hiatus writing sad things
because i thought that'd make me happy
but now im writing sad things again
in hopes that ill be sad
of course
i do not want to be sad
id much rather be happy
but sad people get it
and happy people do not

when i started feeling happy people liked me less
i guess my smile seemed condescending
they were all going to counseling
when i felt like i didnt need it
its like we were trading places for a month
i hated being around them
because i always thought my happiness made them angry at me
like it was more of them who hated being around me
rather than me around them

so im choosing to be sad
so that people will like me
its ironic
but its honest
i mean it
people smile more when im not smiling
and if that doesnt say something
well i dont know what does

i get really nervous when a car pulls up behind me
because i never know what is inside
even if its a car that i know
people that i know
sometimes people that you know you don't know
so i get really nervous when a car pulls up behind me
i get uncomfortable
and scared
because i can feel how vulnerable i am
i can feel it creeping in the air
especially when all i have me are a few loose papers
and a dead cellphone
even though i know im somewhere safe
that place is not safe at that moment
no place
i repeat
no place is safe when a car pulls up behind me
no one
and no thing can be trusted
its just me
and the car
and whatever the **** is inside of that car
so i get really nervous whenever a car pulls up behind me
its just me
and the car
its just me
and the car
its just me
its just me
and i open my eyes to find myself crying in the middle of the pavement
thinking that i almost died
and i go on with my life
without fail
without stopping
full speed ahead
until another car pulls up behind me
and my life takes a halt once again

im not sure if i need validation
or if i need some form of saving
because ive been saving up breaths these last few years
just incase im not ready to die
i hate it when i tell people im depressed
or suicidal
and them telling me
"well then how can you possibly be afraid of death"
as if the two can't exist in the same world
so no i don't approach death with open arms
like teens around the world are used to saying as a joke
I cower from it
I dont do things that could break me
I dont eat things that could make me choke
because it scares the **** out of me
i don't know where im going
or if theres even a place to go

and what frightens me is the how inevitable it is
of what will happen
when my eyes close
and decide never to open again
im scared
but honestly what else is new

ive recently felt that i relate closely to the 90's song *****
which is not by alanis morissette
a common misconception
similar to the berenstein/berestain conspiracy
however it was by someone else
a grammy nominated hit that is forever by someone who didn't write it
her only hit in fact
covered up by the name of a more popular artist

my biggest fear in life is to be like the girl who wrote *****
to have so much success and acclaim
only for years and years later to thing that my best work
my magnum opus
was written by someone who was not me
someone who will never be me
inadvertently stealing my working
taking success away from my name
until it falls into obscurity
and their name becomes the only name that exists with that work
even though it is mine

that is my greatest fear because then i have nothing to show
and id spend years trying to convince the world that it was me
and not them
to no avail
they will never know my name
only the name of that who stole from me

ill bite my lip
hard
i hate the taste of blood
but suddenly i need it
i need to feel it
on my tongue
down my throat
in my neck
red
like the sea that moses split
in the stories i used to believe and read as a child
but i dont read too much anymore
its a shame really
i could be so smart
wasted potential
i could be so **** smart
wasted space
I could be SO **** SMART
wasted air
I COULD BE SO ******* SMART
WASTED


and as i look back i see a shadow of who i once was
and a shadow of who i could be
and both of those shadows
both of those shadows
are much more beautiful than me

I'm still figuring this **** out
Life doesn't make sense
And honestly neither do I
I just mumble
Or Ramble
Or a mixture of both because they're basically spelt the same
All I do anymore is stare at my rooms messy floor
Thinking about how life could be better
And yeah I find the opposite *** confusing
But only because I'm confusing to myself
So how the hell could I understand any one else
Its not just the opposite *** that's confusing
Its everyone from A-Z
Between you and me
From hair to knee
Those are the ones who really confuse me
So until I get myself
(which will probably be never)
I'll just sit here ******* about how life could be better

My life is an overflowing hamper
To which I refuse to wash
Although I try to pick up the mess
A new mess starts
As clothes fall out one by one
And for everyone one article picked up
Another one is displayed across the floor
To the point where I don't even try with the mess anymore
And I'm just walking over clothes like they're an art piece
In this case the renowned artist is me
And a week from now, from when I gave up making this mess clean
I complain
And complain
And complain
As if I expect someone to pick up this mess I've made
Someone other than me

A big forest
My mind gets lost in your eyes
And to be honest I dont care if I'm ever found

I thought we were playing hide and seek
But the roles were reversed
Because i was seeking love and happiness
And you were hiding
And i finally found you

I'll look at my life as not much when I die
As I do most days
But ill look back at the days months and years I spent with you
And make the executive decision that at that moment, things were okay

And I know in my last poem I said
That when you die you forget everything
If that's the case I hope we share a casket
Because I never
Ever
Ever
Want to forget your face

When you die
Does every thought you ever thought end up forgotten?
As your brain decomposes
As brains typically do
Do you lose the memories you once had
For what good do these memories do when your dead
Will you forget every face you once saw
Forget the definition of beautiful
Love
Happiness
Sadness
When everything goes black
Do you forget every color
So no matter what
Purple
Red
Blue
Its all black to you
When you die will you forget everyone you love(d)
For what use are they to you now
Will you forget every conversation
Every suicidal thought
Every thing that made life ****
Or
Made life perfect

But I guess we wont know that until we die
But even then
Will we know?

Your head submerges into the
Deep
Dark
Blue abyss
There is silence
True silence
Underwater is the only place where true silence exists
Your once formless breaths of air now take shape
And every next bubble is another bubble closer to death
You could die right here right now
But
For once in your life you dont feel like dying
Your head comes back up
You gasp to retain all the bubbles you lost
You hear tiny annoying little voices
Screaming
Yelling
Crying
You start to wonder if you made the right choice
You chuckle at the thought
Something misconstrued as a sin
You submerge your head
To part from the noise
For the sweet sweet silence
Of water again

I used to never smile
You make me do it more
I used to never feel alive
You make me do it more
I used to not be myself
You make me do it more

I used to want to die
Now I just want to be with you

I used to cry and complain a lot
You make me do it less
I used to hurt on the inside
You make me do it less
I used to fake a smile
You make me do it less

I used to want to be dead
Now I just want to be with you

Whenever your lips touch mine
You breath life into me
Your smile is everything I live for
Whenever I'm with you
You leave me in a state of dreams
When I kiss you
I have to pinch myself to see if its really happening
Sometimes things that seem too good to be true
Are true
That's how I feel
Whenever I'm with you

It took me too long
To find out what was wrong
Imagine the shock that I felt
When I figured out it was me all along

She's The One
I dreamed of while I was wide awake
And thought of while I was sleeping
She defines perfection
No one could touch the beauty that she holds
So between lunch breaks and coffee breaks
I sit wide awake
Dreaming of this girl
Who can't be real
It's impossible for any girl to be this perfect
Thats when she said "Hi" to me

I stand in silence
As she walks towards me
She is beautiful
Which is a fact I cant Deny

She moves like the wind to which leaves my hair a mess
She is a goddess in the flesh
Which is a fact I can't deny
But how could she love a guy like me
Who just aches for the feeling
He feels when her lips are pressed against mine
A feeling that could only be described as beautiful
Which is a fact I can't deny

She is far beyond beauty
Greater than this world could see
And out of all the beauty in the world
She chose me
And it just doesn't look pretty
Like a railroad off the track
But whenever she says "I Love You"
Every inch of my being believes it when I say it back

What the f---
Your profane sentence is stopped 3/4's of the way by a loud sound
CRASH
There it is again
CRASH
Buildings around you start to tumble
All of a sudden you hear new sounds
BANG
Goes the building
BOOM
Goes the car
You're in the middle of all this chaos
And all you hear are onomatopoeias
People are running around you
With their mouths wide open
CRASH
Goes the girl who you had a crush on in High School
BANG
Goes the man who ruined your parents relationships
BOOM
Goes the woman who made your life hell
The only noise these people are making are the sounds around him
It is a symphony of chaos
And he is the director
He stands in the center of it all
With his hands up high
Holding the final not of the finale of his composition
And then
CRASH
BOOM
BANG
Go the pieces of the building
Falling on him
Instantly killing him
But in the state of death he's in
He hears a faint roaring from the crowd
Roses are falling to his feet
"They loved it"
He smiled to himself

It starts at the light
You sit there waiting
It's 3 am
You swear you have a reason for being out this late
The streets are all empty
Except for one street singer
Singing the words of a song your father used to sing
You set the car in park
And start walking towards this nameless man
His voice of an angel
Calms the demons in your head
You stand there and close your eyes
As childhood memories fly by
Of you and your father
How he used to pull out his guitar
And play this very song as a lullaby
You slowly open them back up
The tears and the winters night air leaves your face cold
You toss the man a few dollars
And turn to leave
But the man stops you in your tracks and says
"Son, whatever's eating at you
It'll all soon pass"
You return a smile
Walk back to your car
And continue on
Driving in the Dark

I watch you walk by
Time stops
There you are
Everything except you stops
Slowly I follow you
Past all the annoying screaming teenagers
Whom of which i can never trust
But you're different
Because for you, all I've got is trust
I follow you to the door
But I stop in my tracks
And I go no further
I'm afraid
I stop and think for too long
Next thing I know you're gone
And I'm stuck standing there
Afraid

She lay next to me
Still
Never changing
We felt so close
But whenever I would try to grab her
The gap would grow
Larger
Larger
Larger
And we would grow more and more apart
But after time the gap would shrink
And we'd be back where we started
And I'd reach for her again
And again the gap would grow
She's the one that I love
The still
Unmoving
Out of reach
Beautiful
Girl

I laugh a lot more nowadays then I used to
But I can't seem to crack a smile
Whenever I think about you
I should be over it
It true
But I seem to move when you move
So I'm stuck crying in private again
Right before going out to the public
I miss you
Our issues
Everything that made us say **** it
I want to forget about it
I want to rise above it
Because whenever we talk now
I can't believe I used to love it

Punk
Punk
Punk
Punk
No good
Son of a
Punk
Punk
Punk
Punk
In the end
I'll only ever be a
Punk
Punk
Punk
Punk
Cause the world can't see me differently

Sometimes I think about
the Windows of life
Through which we all look out
but never see the light
Because it shines on our eyes
And proves all of us right
Our life is so small
That it doesn't really matter at all

I'm not stupid
I'm just naive
To think
That what I do matters
That one day someone will say I was great
But I've never done a special thing in my life
So I don't deserve that
And I never will deserve it
I'm too good at doing nothing
To ever
Ever
Ever
Ever








Try

I am just a man
nothing more, nothing lesser
Just a normal man

Will the voices in my head
Please stop screaming in my ear
Because I fear
I'll soon not be able to hear
Because it's banging on my ear drums
Like its on sick little song
If I said I was dealing with it well
If be wrong
Because it's impossible to get that song out
It's making me scream and shout
But only noises come out of my mouth
I'm talking gibberish
It's all ****
But the noise just won't quit

I'm walking on Brown glass
With my shoes off
I'm walking right into a pool full of sharks
I pray they can't smell my bleeding feet
Because they stink with fear

Who the hells'
Sick idea was it
To have men fight
Is this just used as entertainment
For the rich as the laugh
At the poor dying for their money
They say get rich or Die trying
Well what if you're dying for the rich
Who don't know the meaning of try
Then is it get killed or live rich?
Why must we do the grunt work?
Rich people are not an endangered species
And who cares if there are no rich?
Would it **** to have some balance and equality
I'm sick and tired of doing **** for the rich
And not getting a cent out of it
Cause in the end the money doesn't matter
Now do you wonder why gold is the same color as ****?

Why can't I
Close my eyes without seeing
All the Images from that night
Why Can't I?
Why can't I
Walk down the hallways
Without getting made fun of
Just because I chose not to care
Why Can't I?
Why can't I
block out every word they say
Every
Freaking
Word
Why can't I?
Why can't I
Be strong without feeling weak
Because the feelings you can't see
Are the only feelings that matter
Why can't I?
Why can't I
Be myself...
Be Different for a Change
Guess this world is too scared of that
Why can't I?
Why can't I
Make a difference in someones life
Just because they may be black
And I may be white
Why can't I?
Why can't I
Just say one word
Without being drowned
In a sea of them
Why can't I?
Why can't I
See the comedy
In this tragedy
Because if there isn't any comedy
Why the hell are they laughing at me












You wanna know why?




Its Because




This world has gone to hell

I'm dead
I'm just a soulless being
As I wait for time to tick
And I'll finally flatline
God, That clock can't tick slow enough

All I can see with my eyes
Is a plan devised
From Scratch
But has been altered through many lies
They ask me to try
Haven't I done enough trying?
I hate to close my eyes
Cause I just end up crying
With serious thoughts of dying
Am I all who I thought I was
I tried fixing my heart
But all I got was blood
I'm done...
Metaphorically speaking of course
Cause I'm still so freaking off course
That I've drove my car out into the woods
Thank God,
Finally I get some alone time

Life was Better When
It Actually made sense
Now it just seems to hurt

-------------
They Say I've Got a Brain
But that too is slowly growing crazy
Cause Lately
Lifes been feeling less and less amazing
-------------
They say I've got a voice
But thats gotten hoarse from all that yelling
Like I'm so sorry, I love you
But the thought of us isn't too compelling
-------------
They Say I have a choice
But its been chosen for me at birth
Life is a Scripted play
We just Don't know the Words
-------------

My Mind Flourishes at night
Anything can Hide in the darkness
Ever think of the possibilities
Ten years of hurt could be what waiting for you
Pain Suffering
Maybe happiness but thats unlikely
You wonder why people cry at night?
Because their mind flourishes then
They think of all the BAD possibilities before the Good
But then even the good seem bad
Our monsters in our closests have grown with us
Turning into burdens and overall sadness
Once that light turns out its all over
God, You never know what could be hiding in the dark
The dark is a feeding ground for imagination
And what ***** is the only thing you'll see
There is no form of a light in the dark
But once that light turns on it all goes away
You go out and act like All is Okay
But once night comes again your thoughts come back again
And that my friend is NOT ok