coming to the realization that if i could let myself die slowly, i would,
was the worst christmas present i could give myself.
there comes a moment where you are so miserable that you can't even pity your own **** self,
self hate is so stupid,
so time consuming and egotistical,
and yet i cant stop it. i can't shut it up.
i am an ugly child, and i
don't remember how to live like an adult
when the world around me crumbles and cannot hold me up
anymore.

so what if i died right there,
mouth wide open,
killed by the number of rejections my body has had to suffer through,
mine first and then the rest,
a grief made out of pebbles and rocks and other sharp objects.

what if i gave up, right now,
body crumpled in a knot
of all the hate it has received over the years,
yours first and then
the one i started throwing at it too.

there is only so much time one can save before the ticking of the clock gets too much
to keep walking in dry lands.
show me the ****** water
let me drown in it,
I should be the king of me.

one time i dreamt i was a boy and i haven't really stopped since.
the dream followed me around all day, as if i wasn't meant to live anyway.
dream of mine, can you stop ?
i know that you are beautiful,
i see your truth and your lessons,
the way your hands look like mine but can hold a lot more of the world in them,
i love you, i truly do,
but i am the only one.
dream i dreamt, i beg you to stop,
because maybe i will never reach you,
and that hurts me way more than you do.

to me,
you shine so bright ! beautiful
i'm glad you let me in, to see your messed up parts,
glad to know you trust me this much,
i won't ever miss you like a hole in my chest because
that's where you live and i can't miss a part of me, right ?
thank you for your light and
know that i won't ever stop loving the sun
even if the sun feels cold,
even if his light goes out.
he will find it again,
and i'll be right there with you.

pipe down pipe down,
the too strong feelings went away like smoke,
i love you on the regular dose now
can't tell whether i feel relief or fear
think i loved the idea of you too much
but im good with me now
calmer alone,
you are the wind that makes the flammes burn a bit brighter
and not the whole fire,
i am the whole fire.

am i attracted to you or
the idea i have in my head that looks exactly the way you do
is it your hands i want going up my back to hold my head and kiss me like you mean it
or is it just some other hands
are they my body's desires or mine,
and are they yours too,
i wonder.

and everytime i come to you,
everytime i listen to your hurt or your joy,
to your brightest ideas or your worsts,
and everytime i let you bring me closer and make me small in your arms,
every single time,
it's because i chose
to keep on loving you.