My dear I’m afraid we will always be
Nothing more than chocolate and cheese.
Whilst you’re caviar, diamonds and fine Persian silks
I’m a 20p tabloid, sliced bread and skimmed milk.
Your standards: astronomical, but I’m easily pleased!
My pet, I’m afraid we’re just chocolate and cheese.

Yes - we’re simply chocolate and cheese.
Ask your sow of a mother, I’m sure she’ll agree.
She’ll tell you I’m feral and my manner’s uncouth
But doesn’t she know? She’s the living proof!
But you’re not much of a fighter, scared to disagree
Unlike me. We are merely chocolate and cheese.

Chocolate and cheese, we’re buds far apart
You love with your head, I think with my heart.
You keep your hands clean (whilst I get mine *****)
And agree to whatever whilst I’m getting shirty.  
If I’m daringly dairy, then you’re gluten free.
Too frightened to argue why we’re chocolate and cheese.

So, chocolate and cheese we will always be
From this moment on for eternity.
You’ve not made a case - is it because mine’s rested?
You’re too scared to fail whenever you’re tested.
You'll never be bold and explicit like me.
So forever you’re chocolate and forever I’m cheese.

Boadicea came into my quarters from the cold,
Took off her battle robes and her brooch of soiled gold,
Rinsed off the crimson stains from the blade of her knife
Then flung herself into my arms as she cried all through the night.

Her teardrops couldn't **** the fire in her eyes.
Each drip crawled down her skin, so blemished and so dry.
She scratched at every wound and buried battle scar
Until we were silent, staring up unto the stars.
But as I wet my lips to blow out the flame
She sealed my mouth and whispered my name.

She went on to tell me how the empire will fall.
How the togas will soon crumble within her kingdom walls,
How every man will no longer call the heavens their home
And stop begging for their names to be engraved in stone.
She said, "Come, be my magic and the power in my hands -
Tell me there's life left in this promised land!"
And just as the moon went out of our sight,
She fell onto the floor and howled with all her might:
"To all the Gods of things good and right
Don't you dare turn out my lights!"

But some sunsets later she stumbled back in
Looking ragged, holding unknown medicines.
She'd lost her strength, seen her comrades die
But my arms and magic were sharply denied:
"I won't live to watch my men suffer as they bleed
A short and sweet release is my final plead -
So let me free now.”

And she turned out her lights
As we cried.

you’re a snuggler
a tangler
a logistical link of limbs
that end up intertwining with mine

you kick me over some of the duvet
in the gentlest of gestures
and fester in the filth of your little sister’s linen
as the full moon sheds shame on our backsides.

but as the sun scowls through the window
that frames the four post
you wrap yourself in the sheets
like a sushi roll of biscuited bitterness

you natter to the bedbugs
the only ones who’ll listen to your curses
whilst me?
I’m basking in the warmth of a Sunday scandal.