i suffer from depression and its always been that way...
prozac work best but have side effects that i dont like...

I was always thin when i was younger up until my brother died..
When he died i gained like 30 lbs *** i was so upset and missed him terribly. I also didnt have any friends close by that i could REALLY talk to...(she lived 6 hours away and was going thru stuff with her new man so i didnt want to bother her.)

I so wanted someone to talk to about all my woes but couldnt afford it.
So i masked it with what i could afford and what ive always masked my pain with..

I was molested by my moms ex husband when i was like 4 - 8 yrs old.
I used to imagine myself floating on the ceiling and years later found out why when I read a book about children who are abused weither its physical, verbal, or ******. It said in the book that children who are abused will usually either put themselves into the wall or floating on the ceiling...when I read that I felt so realieved *** I always remembered myself doing this but i didnt understand why i remember doing that.... I thought I was crazy or nuts or had special powers.
It also said that kids who are abused in any of these areas are more likely to drop out of school, commit crime and or do drugs, or all of the above.

Because Ive been an addict and I dont know why.I have gotten into trouble before and i did drop out of school.

I wish I had'nt  done any of them, much less all 3!!

When I was younger I loved to listen to music. I still do. It was like my best friend *** it didnt let me down and wouldnt leave me.....it was always there whenever I needed it and there was a lways a song that could explain EXACTLY how I feel.  My brother had an obsession with it as well and he would like rock or pop his head to the beat.

When my brother died....I felt so lost and so alone...Because only a few people in my life have ever loved me for me.....i guess its unconditionally!!

One was my bro...the other is my son Todd... and the other is my best friend in the whole world and her name is Yvonne but I call her Bon Bon.

They have always accepted me for who I am and dont judge me at all...
They just say "thats the way she is you either like her or you dont".
Because I am very blunt, honest, i dont candy coat things...Alot of people dont like that.....but there are others that think its fine. Its just me.

But anyway....I had a boyfriend when he died that ripped him off before he died and I was so mad at him for doing that...It caused alot of term oil in my family over that. I used to go see my brother ever week and Id stay for at least one night if not both nights and id cook him food and do his laundry (he was kind of disable *** he had a rare case of gout and it made him most of the time wheel chair bound.)and just visit with him...we were really close and when the boyfriend did that it made it weird between us...
and I didnt go see him for the last year of his life...*** he was thinking i was in on it with the ex (but I swear on my life may god strike me dead i had nothing to do with it.) which when he was really sick and in the hospital I mmade the ex take me to see him.

Making a long story shorter...
I at least got to see him twice before he died. Once when he was able to still talk and the other time he was so medicated that he couldnt. But the last time we spoke the last thing he ever said to me was "I LOVE YOU!" and Im so grateful for that....

But I gained weight *** i was so sad that he was gone and still am....

Now my mom on Oct 1, 2014 ..
was given the news that she has paincriatic cancer. Its not cureable  and its the most deadly.
Learning this has made me so very very sad even more depressed *** now Im going to loose my mommy.

It is so sad to think your mom is going to die when shes only 67 yrs old. Shes never smoked or done drugs and has like 2 or 3 degrees in stuff. She was the first woman in the 80s to have top secuity clearence at Edwardas Air Force Base. She was involved in the space shuttle flights (i dont know what she did but she was in the control room doing something) and the SR71 and the Blackbird aka The B-1 bomber. Shes so smart and doesnt deserve this...

I dont do the death thing well at all and i am a depressed eatter. I have gained some more weight learning all of this now with her....

I have been told that Im an UglyPig and will be alone forever from this person (******* really) i used to see and hes on here and is very mean to me talking about my appearance and my devices that i use *** i know of nothing else....

Some of us havent had the best childhood that was happy and wonderful with my true parents..
Some of us have broken homes and had to see our mom get beat up by the ******* who molested me for years...
Some of us didnt feel like we were loved or that we mattered ....its as if we were a blockage for my moms fun.
I know my mom loved my brother and my sister but i dont think she loves me....i think she tries but she just cant or doesnt know how...

My point behind writting this it to tell the ******* that I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT, AND I WILL STOP USING.....BUT I DONT NEED TO HEAR IT FROM YOU WHAT A FAT UGLY NON EDJUCATED BORE I AM....
I HAVE NEVER SAID WHAT I THINK OF YOU BECAUSE ITS NOT RIGHT AND ITS HURTFUL AND IM NOT GOING TO LOWER MYSELF LIKE YOU HAVE AND BE A **** (LIKE U SAY I AM) LIKE YOU ARE BEING.

I AM GOING TO GET THIN BUT IM GOING THRU THE HARDEST **** IVE HAD TO DEAL WITH IN MY LIFE AND IM DEPRESSED BUT I WILL GET HELP AND GET THIN AND CUTE AGAIN AND I HOPE AND PRAY I RUN INTO YOU......

*** YOUR NOT WORTH WASTING ANY MORE OF MY MIND ON.

EXCEPT FOR .........

grow the **** UP!!!!!

So she is called
Angel of silence
Always watching
What others do
Not saying anything

Walking among humans
Always shrouded in darkness
Her eyes barely readable
To those who knew of her exsistance
People feared
What they would find
So they never spoke to her

When the time came
However
People did not dare
Approach her
For she had seen their life
Weither she deemed them worthy
Of continuing to draw breath
She did not care

Angel of silence
She was dubbed
But more effective name
The Angel of Death
For your life may be next
To end on this final day

Good luck in life
I hope you see
You will end up facing
Evangelium de Silenti

Each and everyone of us are stars
how you might ask
well the less bright ones are like a shy kid in the back of class
watching the clock counting down the seconds as they pass
waiting to go home because he's not afraid to shine when he's alone
he just wants to be bright but because of packed on mileage he screws up every opportunity out of fright
he's always overlooked.. so that little dark stars least favirote time is night

Now the bright ones they're like the popular kid always the center of attention
weither it's due to looks, charm, luck, or because he's the class clown who just got detention
on the outside everything always seems to be fine
but maybe just maybe he'd like time he could just call mine
maybe he'd like to run away to a place incredibly hard to find
finally giving that dark star a chance to shine

Next time you're out star gazing
look at the not so bright stars to and try to find something amazing
then stop and think what kind of star are you?

Some people live the dream
Some people live the life
While others just sit around
And just survive

Just to live
And breathe another day
Every day is just another struggle
Another time to worry

About feeding the family
About working your job
The dead end one
Where you're on the verge of layoff

While millionares
And billionares
Roam the streets
The rest of us are stuck

We never had the big idea
Or the money to burn
We just had a dream
To be all we could be

We all strive to be known
We all strive to be famous
Of some sort
Weither local or worldwide

We want to be known
Remembered
For at least one thing
That we have accomplished in this life

Some people have been there
Done that
While the rest of us wait
Knowing our time may never come

We may never be famous
On any scale
But somewhere
To someone

You may have done
In their opinion the world to them
Amd you will be remembered
Even if it's just one person

So if you're in doubt
Just remember
There's someone out there
And you will mean the world

To them
Even if it's only one person
Maybe only for one thing
But you will forever be, remembered

There are words that hurt and heal
Hurts like a knife that doesnt cut it hurts as if tho
Why say things you dont really mean
To hurt the hurter two bads dont make a good
Two goods dont make a bad but a good

If you get hurt say thoughful things back
Rather than a blind minded attack
You will heal your self in the process
It'll confuse the hurter and it will upset and they will stop

Words arent always there to be said sometimes your mind is desert dead
All things that are said to hurt is because they are jealous
They really wish to be you
They really wish to have you
Or they really are down right heartless

God's always watching weither you believe it or not
You may not see him or hear him but its not same on his point of view
Bring him in your heart you will feel new from the start
Love the world as God does all will go good or it will get slightly better

More you trust in him the easier it will be in life
You have my word.

Heaven's just waiting for you
So close your eyes and say goodbye
Times go on no matter what
Weither you live or you die

So take this knife
And run it slow
Across the skin
The blood starts to flow

Liberating yourself
Of all the pain
All the selfishness
All in vain

It's Everyone elses
Fault not your own
That's what you tell yourself
It's why you're alone

I don't have time
To sit around all day
Hear all these things
That you say

It's a one sided story
Twisted and turned
Everyone on your side
Is all you have yearned

They know the truth
It's so plain to see
What your doing is wrong
Straight to a tee

Suicide, living
Cutting, mending
I tried to fix everything
Even the bleeding

Now I see clearly
There is nothing left of you
Just empty picture frames
And a blackened and twisted heart

I think the only way you can really see yourself is through someone else's eyes
It doesn't matter who's eyes you look through
Weither or not they be the love of your life
Or the bane of your exsistence
It just matters if they see you
Because if they do
Then all you need to do is look through and see you for you,
Because apparently, it's everyone else who knows you better then you do
And they are the only eyes that will ever look at you clearly

A drug is not a drug
A drug is a drug
As long as its an addiction

If you keep running back
If you keep getting high from the hit or the feeling
If you finally know the difference from want and need

Weither tis a needle
Or a kiss
Where youve been touched is warm
Itches and burns

Thats when you know youre addicted

If I was a Woman
I would have an better understanding of the word fear,
The fear of him having a bit too much beer,
The fear of not being respected in my career,
The fear of being hurt by the one who calls me dear,
The fear that one day I'll just disappear,
The fear that I'll never reappear,
The fear that everytime I leave home my death is near,
The fear that I could get ***** by anyone of my peer,
The fear that these Boys still think all I can be is a cashier,
The fear that he might hit me so hard it will be severe,
The fear of dying a horrible death like being stabbed with a spear,
The fear of not knowing which male to trust in this green and blue sphere,
The fear of not knowing weither I'll be alive to say happy new year,


To feel butterflies in my stomach for him just to watch him leave the second I feel a baby kick
To love him with all my heart and play second place to his side chick,
To praise him like a god just because he has a ****,
To get up clean and cook for him even though I'm sick
To find out that him loving me was all just a trick
To get me in bed and give it to him quick,

The pain of explaining to my child that we made you,
But I'll raise you,
That painful period in my life where a bleed physically but even when that's over I'm still in pain and bleed emotionally because of what boys do to people of my kind,
We can't even trust the kind Boys who pray for us because they could easily turn into the kind of dogs who prey on us,

But I'm a Boy,
I can always put myself in a Woman's shoes but they'll always feel comfortable I can take them off at anytime,
Can't even call us men anymore as long us we hurt Women or even watch other Boys hurt them,
We will never be men we will always stay Boys.


~Miles Poetry