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Mateuš Conrad Nov 2018
.akin to a reply within the respect of Olivia Gatwood... these are not war chants... these are not war invitations... what deserves the hostile, is what bears an answer... these statements? they're only preliminaries; apparently two freedoms of the same argument, have the right / are expected to coexist: mind you, thinking, is the antithetic argument supporting talking... oh ****... right... i "sound" condescending... the clicking sound of my keyboard is condescending... at what point... did you arrive at the paradox... of hearing, before seeing? airplanes... i see, prior to the dragging "echo"... who said what who said who said what? i didn't say anything... i typed... keeping in line with: freedom of speech... what an exhausting right... esp. in a time when speaking is equated to thinking, and "speaking" is relegated to the opportunism, of writing being equated to "thinking"... talking... simply a tabloid freedom for the populace... i said ****... if this is not in the comment section... who said what who said who, who said when? when? maybe i delayed posting this... having thought it... a thinking, liberated from the cognitive schematic of a moral ought... a cognitive schematic to parody the enshrined freedom of speech, deviating from being forced to ask the moral ought? what is freedom of speech, by comparison? you are given the sort of freedom that implores you to speak... you are actually being given enforced rights to be compelled to speak... but not to think... to speak... at the exact same time... you didn't equate thinking with speaking... oh... right... this, "freedom"... was exacted when... quiet a large number of people were still deemed illiterate... and they were illiterate... but i'm literate... so... why would i need a freedom of speech... when, by writing, i have the higher right / freedom, to think?!

reworking a vindaloo recipe...
what sort of madman...
writes a recipe,
that includes 40 grams of
dried chillies?
i weighed them...
around 30 came in at 30 grams...
i had to revise...
the recipe...
a hopscotch chilli...
two fresh red chillies,
8 dried chillies,
and some Kashmir chilly
powder (much milder,
slightly sweet,
than usual)...
    it's a ******* meal...
it's not a competition as to
who can east the most spicy meal...
you play that **** while drinking
*****, not eating dinner!
mind you... vindaloo?
the most specifically scented
curry in the world...
you lift the lid off the...
baking tray? cooking utensil?
you're immediately hit by
a whiff of... sour spiciness...
can't describe it...
it feels like lime chilli...
hot & sour...
counter to the Chinese
sweet & salty...
   **** me...
     Indian cuisine...
                 it's like...
         what pepper,
salt and horseradish did to
European cuisine...
thank you England...
well... since i'm doing all
the cooking around this house...
i guess... a woman can just
sit pretty, and pretend to be
an ornament of the mantlepiece,
playing candy-crush saga...
works fine for me...
i wouldn't trust a woman
in the kitchen to begin with...
she might under-cook
the potatoes,
over-cook the pasta,
and over-salt a sauce...
so... yeah...
  women are not welcome
in the kitchen.

but, hell, they can bake, women can
do one thing right in the kitchen:
they can bake...
i hate baking, because it involves
waiting... i hate waiting...
a woman in a kitchen has
perfected the role of baking,
but that's about it...
figure this one out...
all this anti-white male rhetoric...
where are you going to
get your rhetoric...
when we die off, died out,
become the prime suspect
of the dodo project?!
    who's going to replace us...
and make the same argumentative
reprisals of your little,
tirade, symptom of
being borne by a real daddy,
and not a *****-bank
donation?!
   mother daughter relationships
must, really really work out
so well..
mind you, mind me...
i really need to ***...

when cooking, i hate waiting...
i don't like making
something, and then guessing /
waiting for the end results...
i want the whole fling...
the whole translation
of organic chemistry into
a heston blumenthal kitchen...
  i want...
the many aspect of transfiguration,
cooking no less an art,
but more a science...

women can bake,
they can also walk around pregnant...
can they cook?
you really want women
to return to the kitchen?!
seriously?!
under-cooked potatoes,
overcooked pasta,
following a vindaloo
recipe word for word?
you sure?
    in the army...
women didn't cook...
the men cooked for the men...
sure... a feminine role...
but...
   and this this is a pretty big but...

makes no fighter on an ill
stuffed gut...
           men cooking for men...
while the girls play the role
of the trophy mantlepiece...
"jogging" along to flirting
with candy-crush saga...

please, please... come into the kitchen
when you feel like
baking a banana bonanza...
otherwise... *******!
Raj Arumugam Oct 2010
moo moo moo
a dozen milky cows squirt
it all over the fields
while the silly earthworms shake their heads

and see round the corner
comes Lulu
eating vindaloo

boo boo boo
the hot-air ghosts
float at ATMs
while the recorded message goes:
more more more
more easy cash for you


and see round the corner
comes Lulu
eating vindaloo

baa baa baa
forty sheep
each eat the fields bald;
oink oink oink
the pigs wait for it to rain

and see round the corner
comes Lulu
eating vindaloo
no meaning in this song; just a silly poem for a serious day
judy smith Dec 2015
Did you know the East Indian Bottle Masala includes as many as 27 spices, or that an oil-free pickle served at their weddings is actually known as Wedding Pickle?

These and many such authentic East Indian masalas and pickles are available at East Indian Cozinha (Portuguese for kitchen), a food store started by Christina Kinny at Kolovery Village in Kalina, Santacruz. "I started East Indian Cozinha with an attempt to preserve and highlight our cuisine and culture," says the 24-year old, who has studied Masters in Social Work and currently, works with an enterprise that helps tribal farmers.

What’s in store?

Going back 500 years, the East Indian cuisine enjoys influences from Portuguese, British and Maharashtrian fare. The staples include rice, coconut, tamarind, fish and meats, with spices forming an integral part of the cuisine. For instance, Prawn Atola is a dry dish comprising prawns coated only with Vindaloo Masala featuring Kashmiri chilli, cumin and turmeric. "Most people from our community were farmers and would be out on field all day. So, the masalas and lemon would help preserve their food for a longer time," reasons Kinny.

At present, the store stocks six varieties of masala in 100g bottles (R150 onwards). These include Khuddi or Bottle Masala, Chinchoni (fish) Masala, Vindaloo Masala, Roast Rub, Kujit Masala and Tem Che Rose. She also offers Wedding Pickle, an oil-free variety prepared with raw papaya, carrots and dry dates. "All the recipes have been passed on from generations and are homemade," she informs.

However, making the masalas is no cakewalk. "It takes three days to dry spices under the sun. Then, we hand pound them and pack them tightly in bottles with wider openings," says Kinny. She recalls that in her grandmother’s time, the masalas were tightly stuffed in beer bottles. The bottles were darker, and hence, helped preserve the masala for at least a year, at room temperature.

Lugra love

East Indian Cozinha also stocks traditional 10-yard saris known as lugras. These are hand embroidered by Kinny’s mother, Carol. Previously made only from cotton with authentic gold borders, now, lugras are embroidered with sequins and threads. "She has been in the garment industry for the last 30 years. She also makes traditional accessories like kapotas (earrings), karis (hair pins), anklets, etc," informs Kinny.

read more:www.marieaustralia.com/formal-dresses

www.marieaustralia.com/short-formal-dresses
Mateuš Conrad Mar 2017
oh god, oh god! that dump felt: just about as good as a zeppelin droping bombs over london... i managed to feel a vindaloo up my **** at the end of it! magic.

ever heard of huskies?
                                                                             no?
        my godmother is a huskie...
she's a doctor, she sometimes didn't shave
her legs: or that was my initial bewilderment
when i was playing video games
i.e. *porsche challenge
on PS1...
and that's donkey's years ago...
        but she was a huskie...
                       she was a woman with a deep
voice...
                  but this is in another culture
and i'm sitting here, watching western culture
and thinking: well **** me! no problem
with the genital removals...
   but who the **** is going to reconstruct your
jaw-line?
                you can't fake a femenine jaw
from a man's jaw... nor the hands...
     that's why i sometimes think my **** is
tiny... but then i can hold a basketball in one hand,
that means: pick it up with one hand...
   that's why i always said... the sexiest part
of a woman's body? her hand(s).
           i can't believe i'm going to name these
people, but given my godmother's husky voice
i think i should... on a matter of principle:
and yeah, i sometimes speak like i've been castrated,
even though i smoke tobacco my voice should
be deep... all the time... i sometimes resonate:
like an angel... when i'm being pretty pretty, nice;
   how the **** are you going to reconstruct
the jaw so that i don't think you are?
                      self-conscious about your larynx?
that's not even sad, that's prompt for: me being
inquisitive... given my godmother (the doctor)
who spoke like she spoke...
                                 em... chloe arden?
    what the **** is this huskie playing at?
               blaire white... oh 'ere we go, another huskie...
i'm not laughing... you look into those eyes
and you know something is a "tad" bit iffy...
            i get it... you think you sound like a "man"
sometimes... and i get it: i sometimes sound like
i've been licked in the ***** by a karate kick...
    and that has happened to me one...
            i was doing this course in some specific
interest area... and i was signalled out
  because i wasn't shouting when i was moving forward
doing kick! chop! kick! chop! ha! ya(h)!
                    sensai was away, and this white geek
took over the class... he said: you have to shout
while moving! i was like: no...
           what the hell does he do? kicks me in the *****...
clap clap... well done you ******* ******.
          you don't do that sort of thing in boxing
for ****'s sake... that's a no go zone...
             if he even gained a black belt in the art...
he'd be excomunnicated there and then...
                             you a ******* woman or something?
*****.
                 yeah, i realised that, i have this delay
button... something happened to me 15 years ago
and i'm only writing about it now... it's a bit like Proust
on stereoids... i'm not gay enough to remember
eating: that "special" macaroon.
   like i said:
         these girls are huskies...
                         i know because my godmother
is a husky...
                               it's self-consciousness in the extreme...
get kicked in the ***** and you'll start wearing
post- / anti- transgender spectacles...
        no matter what you tell me... that jaw line and
those plump cheeks with the missing cheek bones
that's characteristic of women... mmm...
             you have a better magic trick? 'cos'
this one isn't working on me (ref. the two stated examples);
o.k., and my godmother.
Obadiah Grey Jun 2013
I built me a yellowish
statue of you
out of last nights curry
and the cheese fondue.

Your *** was madras
your **** vindaloo
and stilton is what
yer built on.

WHOOP DE FUKIN DOO !!!!!,
Mateuš Conrad Jun 2016
i was directed to this place by Marty Feldman, and he said i should say this password to gain entry: float like a chapati, sting like a vindaloo.

i' not good at making passes at someone's death,
just yesterday i was thinking
while a quiz show took place with haiku clues
regarding famous people, so i wondered
aloud: would it still be the correct answer if
you said: cassius clay? what a cool name,
colossus of clay - what the hell does Muhammad
and Ali have to do with african rooting
when you hardly speak Swahili? a bit pointless,
but a name like cassius clay... unstoppable -
already mythological, rather than a family
feud between Ali and the Caliphs after Muhammad's
death - maybe he should have confirmed his
baptism as Muhammad Ali with a confirmation
akin to catholic practice and added a surname, like
Khadijah, well... if Mozart is turning in his coffin
for his music being turned into a muzak
or a Porcupine Tree tree song, then the first wife of
Muhammad is turning in hers... a wise women
of sound economic acumen could be compared
by secular standards to Gabriel's voice, women tell lies,
just today i saw plain Jane turn into a stunner,
she was gagging to go on a date with a guy of her dreams,
by media standards a subsequent loser in Morocco,
at a photo shoot of practising flirtation a half-and-half
love affair between the Gothic island of the Caribbean
that's England and the Bahamas flirted with olive skin,
blue eyes and pecks, and an ego shaped like a woodpecker...
or an u.z.i., poor guy, got to make a show,
but the ***** is out! she noticed her eyes!
what further shahada of scheherazade?
just one more night, just one more night, one more, night.
demigods and men, traces of narcissus in man resides
in his eyes, nowhere else, man and woman fall in love
with their eyes, rather than narcissus and the complete
visage, but as i once said: imagine narcissus looking
into the sea - he might as well have fallen in love with
the stillness of the lake rather than the image represented
by it - across the seven seas he roamed, across the seven
zeniths, until he came across the Lake of Echo,
and heard the echo of footsteps beside him, to have seen
the natural mirror by moonlight, and settled to lie,
disguising himself as a flower worth recycling:
each god in polytheism his own individual, reigning ideal
in the pantheon of gods: solipsism - with man's intervention
a notably study of, himself.
although i'd love to chat thoroughly about this,
i'm not so sure i want to - hear the words:
you're a good man... you're a good man in a brothel?
you think a ******* would forget saying that
and continue? *persona incognito grata
-
a golden crown on her tooth that i peered into with her
Ukrainian accent speaking polish, i lost my virginity
to a French girl without any connection - proceeding
from the way she decided a child learning a new language
aged 8 could not be considered a native speaker
for a psychology experiment - i gave her a silent lesson
in history concerning Napoleon and the last heroic act
of warfare, after that, civilians were utilised like bombs
or rifles, the many guilts after all the killing seized.
anyway, today i decided to cook two knock-outs...
the first was intended as a kolhapuri chicken curry,
the latter was chicken do'h pyaaza, with the later
the title, indeed the fenugreek incident, fenugreek
being a concentrated version of kasoori methi,
if the Turks invented hot & sour with a pickled chilli,
the blue Indians invented a whole palette of sour and hot
with this dish, and the crucial ingredient that's
fenugreek - although the crystalline form of this spice
is more potent - the recipe asked for one tablespoon
of the raw products, the leaves (kasoori methi) -
i added a teaspoon of the concentrated stuff -
what a disaster! i asked for two tasters to tell me that i
wasn't tasting bitterness in the gravy as if i added some
English ale revenge against continental beers...
because the excess of the component of intended sourness
of the fenugreek turned into an ale-like bitterness -
hence the notion that sour isn't an antonym of sweet,
but bitter is - hence sweet & sour rather than
sweet & bitter - you can have a turkish pickled chilli
and still have a compliment on the palette of hot & sour,
but imagine tasting bitterness - excess of concentrated
kasoori methi does the trick - and since Faust doesn't
have an Igor like Dr. Frankenstein, he turned himself
into a hunchback, and started picking out most of the
fenugreek crystals from the gravy, one by one, ony by one,
hunched over the sauces - until the bitterness disappeared
and the intended sourness came through -
it took a while, but Faust as his own assistant kept on
saying: stop lying, stop lying! i want to eat this sauce too!
that's the thing with chemistry and cooking,
i received a present not too long ago, an arsenal
of spices, which means i can punch-bag you a Peshwari
naan with raisin and almond stuffing (a bit of sugar too),
and i can add the raw ingredients - i'm richer with
spices than with drugs or gold: turmeric is also known
as saffron - although saffron is more potent,
turmeric does the same job... coriander powder, cumin
power (also seeds), mint the prime garnish for
do'h pyazza curry... garam masala made from scratch,
meaning i have: cardamom pods, cloves, black cardamom,
mace... and i can make you a kohlapur masala...
honestly... in this great culinary babylon of english society,
from pizzas to chinese to Kentucky to New York
street vendors... i'd give up the cuisine i was born in
and convert to India's palette... i don't need to convert
anything else... religion can remain with those who
barely read, or who read and cite only one book...
let them have it... i don't care...
i already converted to a non-religious fascination with
mystical Judaism (sorry Allah, couldn't do anything
with your name, it didn't fit the Latin revision of thinking
about it), and as such, converted to a dreamy everyday
of India's culinary prowess - Kama Sutra is nothing
compared to the recipes from Kashmir or anywhere
where the blue bloods fascinated the merchants rather than
scalped them in berserker rage among the puritan
envoys.
She drives me crazy!
That little care-free Jalfrezi.
You see where I’m going with the curry?
‘Course you don’t, you’re ******* vindaloo!
Who the **** are you?
And as for Tarka Daal and Argy Bargy?
If they ever get off the carzy we might be able to talk.
So are you ******* listening?
She drives me crazy!
Both of you are too stupidily lazy,
Nor are you like Jalfrezi.
Re-arrange; re-word the last two lines?
Yeah right, I’m Mr Lazy.
Mateuš Conrad Apr 2016
danke, und scheiße geruch um beachten! (if ungrammatical then ensure you do not waver to correct me, but speak as correctly as possible and leave me to my insolence and gratify my mistake as championing your correctness, at least thus i'll be glad to make you see what i too wanted to see with my imperfection the suggestive).

western society has taught me
that i'd be better off
not having educated myself -
and that reading philosophical
books is considered a mental illness;
such heightened literacy rates
i almost clamour to buckle
in marking journalism a synonym of propaganda.
no, of course i'm not happy where
i live, i what's deemed a civilisation or
an exportable social model,
a place where you say the word Kierkegaard
and people think you've said gonorrhea,
so the French kiss outlasts oral *** -
tongue here, tongue there, tongue up your ***,
you're a credible ****** should it matter,
while all the menial tasks for the unruly
have been exported to *made in
China -
i ****** Poland for ever wanting to join
the E.U., thank god they didn't adopt the failed
Euro currency - the diversity of the project
would always fail - no slingshot Indians
or bow & arrow akin mattered
when the other Indians gave us the Taj Mahal...
wise too i would be as an Ewok... and a Vindaloo...
wait a minute, why am i writing
like a reformist coloniser? i've been duped!
i learn the english tongue i suddenly
become nothing less than a coloniser myself;
might as well be a viking in york
or a norman at the battle of Hastings!
otherwise i'm a concubine on a mechanised
*****-throne while the irish are Yuppie
with psychos of american Wolf St. scenarios
awaiting the 1980s discography of
a lucid John Peel commentary.
Mateuš Conrad Sep 2016
looks like someone's dancing in their underwear...
touché - looks like someone's buying pints
of milk in their pyjamas.

night privy, nocturnal India
i get to do the dance over your grave
while your relatives grieve a pointless
grief: just in the same way they grieved
a rotten chestnut, or egg....
maybe this sprout of anti-imagination
might be a floating limb of ambition
to being *simply
reattached -  the black keys'
                        lonely boy
-
spastic maestro number uno - chillies
and the Chilcot KKK inquiry -
got buff results with the whitey crew -
took out the trash, fed the gerbils,
saved a Latex ****** from the hood...
well... the Kentucky hooded brigade,
fully tent equipped parishioners -
                 and whenever you dress up as sheep
you better barbecue - c k q - what a long shopping list -
   *i've got a love that keeps me waiting!
  ooh oh oh oh!
            i've got a love that keeps me waiting;
                   i'm a lonely boy"
-      
                     to cue or to queue -
         a forever question unanswered -
of simply quit... they call it the lack of
solar tattoo pigmentation -
         i treat the argument for god
like i'd treat winning the jackpot in lottery,
    it just has the prefix existential- prior to what's
       being gambled: someone suggested respectability;
                     i guess that's fair enough - otherwise
i call it a fail with potatoes acting as bricks
in Northern Ireland... and a blatant lack
of back-up colonialism....
         that ****** better sprech Anglo
or he's toast.... then came the Voodoo Vindaloo -
screaming: churn out the chillies into chokes! aah!
oh oh or excessive umlaut agitation -
poor tool tummy - when have you experienced
the ****-up in surgical syllables taken
to the butchers for coarse timing
that never coerced?
i danced that dance, angry though,
when they played Pendulum's Tarantula
in a Basildon's night-club - you heard a roar
when spotted an "epileptic"
(both dittoing as said, and ambiguity) weaving a web of
personal space - truly and originally,
not your cup of tea - i'd ensure you as
              respectably assured -
mind the Sundays and the roast beef and
the home office and Yorkshire fundamentalism;
Newcastle? Newcastle is too hedonistic.
Mateuš Conrad Sep 2015
when critique is about, the unsuspecting walk like peacocks, showing off the wooden dutch slacks of fear prior to criticism, forging a proof of god so debased that it would require the holocaust to have taken place.*

- yes, this call is immediate, what's the severity?
- immediacy in all circumstances.
- sounds terrible.
- yep, blood in my **** too.
- ooh, dialectical diarrhoea?
- skidding at one hundred miles per hour with a popsicle swerve on the slurp.
- trafalgar sq. fountains?
- lions roaring in alabaster to the breaking of bony hinges.
- triage.
- can i see him face to face.
- no, you need to speak to him first via the triage telephone system.
- so he's the now receptionist and knows the daybreak slots with chemical compounds.
- no, thingy thingy, dum dum **** a toe, crackle fun pull a twig: we're
   the receptionists, he prioritises the eventuality of a cancer advert.
- three quid down the drain?
- yes, we, the receptionists of the world will stand against the robotic onslaught!
- ****** on winter sledges.
- exactly.
- not exactly, you, receptionist, you jane, me tarzan, you book face to face, now.
- you tarzan, you straighten bananas.
- you jane, you book, appointment.
- you tarzan, you straighten bananas.
- you jane, you book, appointment, now.
- me jane, me receptionist, me on the conveyor belt of corn crop patched harvestable.
- me i.q.
- me one hundred and fifteen.
- face to face to farce.
- farce to bloke to pole.
- pole leaning on a pole.
- englishman eating a napkin.
- blackjack and ingredients for the pride of britain: vindaloo child.
- sloshed on a cricketeer's return.
- puns and cardamon cardigans of colour without scent.
- pushy apple sours coloured acid green without the mojo juice.
- spank that gimp ***** into a piglet.
- leathered up, boots on parole.
(who the hell is talking now?)
- i need to see the doctor face to face, i need my sick note to live on:
   on brink of day in ultraviolet twilights, and drink.
- are you a banker?
- i'm a sick man, a beggar.
- we only provide sickness to the rich and famous.
- so what do i get?
- premature death.
- oh, can i have a bank account with that?
- oh sure, as long as you can accept debt.
- 5% like standard a.e.r.?
- no, 2000%
- so my debt interest will be crazy dizzy above my savings interest rate?
- yes.
- do you sell h.i.v. positive syringes?
- we're accommodating.
- thank you very much.
- thank you.
- goodbye morrow and marrow tight.
- bones ashore.
- **** all ahoy.
Edna Sweetlove Feb 2015
The fiery rumblings in my bloated belly
  mean I simply must blow off a smelly;
And, having just consumed a Vindaloo,
  I'm fearful of a major follow-through;
But it's one of those really lucky nights -
  I'm wearing my uncle's open-crotch tights,
Not correctly, as is my usual wont
  But, thank Christ, they're back to front.
Edna Sweetlove Oct 2014
The fiery rumblings in my bloated belly
  mean I simply must blow off a smelly;
And, having just consumed a Vindaloo,
  I'm fearful of a major follow-through;
But it's one of those really lucky nights -
  I'm wearing my uncle's open-crotch tights.
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2017
well, if you look up a recipe from a page like bawarchi, it has to be good.

aside making the chapatis,
the turmeric infused rice,
and the kashmiri chilly curry
(oh **** me, bring
the cuisine, curries are great
contenders of the goulash...
ha ha... goulash in a gulag:
possibly a great title for
a book... that will never be
written)...
there was this little curiosity
to add on today's menu...
i realised that:
   i've never used mint in a curry
recipe...
luckily i have a lovely beu of
a mint "shrub" in the garden:
why?
   well, the people i'm living
with love their mojitos...
so there is was, staring back
at me: mint chicken curry...
i've never used so little spices
in all the curries i've made...
plus, i do like my peshwari naans...
all it took was mint (which you
rarely see)... fresh coriander...
a quarter inch of cinnamon,
    three legs of a star anise
  a bay leaf, and some chilli powder...
evidently blitzed into a paste
with some water...
   but **** me... turmeric?
(i had to add it in the end) -
cardamon pods? cloves?
        the rest of the jazz band?
but you know what...
         it didn't matter,
         it came out in the end,
pretty as a *paul gaugin
-
weird radioactive green at first,
then, over a period, a nice pale
vindaloo brown... who would have
thought: mint, cinnamon, coriander...
i guess the anise too...
but that's beside the point,
as the title suggests...
this really is: a culinary conundrum
for me...
    you know how when you
cook an italian dish,
  you can still pick up the texture of
diced onions?
   well... when making a curry...
the onions? "magically" disappear...
every, single, curry, i've made
has the ability to: literally dissolve
the onions, so the diced onion tecture
apparent in italian dishes: vanishes!
into thin air! well, more like vanishes
into: a rich sauce.
how? good question: i, don't, know.

p.s. i can't believe i sat for two hours
worth of film,
   watching clive owen be this model
father, carpenter and even a car mechanic,
looking for this missing tool-box,
which was stolen, from his truck...
i mean some people started looking
for the holy grail, the ark of the covenant,
no, this was just a movie about
a man on a mission: to find his missing tools...
hollywood can really provide some
funny-eerie movies sometimes,
   this was one of them; which brings
me to:

p.p.s. i really don't know how to write
poetry -
   i'm stuck wavering on the thin line
between mushy-mushy ooh la la love
me tender, my love's so perfect
or the macho stuff...
          i like neither, it's easy to make
a clear enough distinction,
but harder to write a down-the-middle
types...
       i mean: the guy is a carpenter,
and he can fix a car...
     what do i have to offer,
        a few words on a **** of paper -
mind you, i do get to retain a laugh about it,
but the manual aspect of labour is very much
   the most masculine command of the world...
this? incy-wincy spider labour,
  itchy fingers,
  more importantly: an itchy ego -
can't scratch it, like i might scratch
my head my *** or my *****...
     hence the translation into writing;
jealous? a little bit...
            i mean... try justifying writing
"poetry" when you could have been
    an understudy for the profession of industrial
scale roofing with your father...
  but i have to admit,
   that scottish widows' h.q. building near
st. paul's?
               a **** fine summer that was,
even though rolls of felt weight around 40kg...
and bags of gravel a nice 25kg,
    and doughnuts of permaquic around 30kg...
and the heat from the boiler...
   and the annoying finishing touches of
laying insulation...
     but a **** great site...
   and the rewards of a shade, and a bottle
of water, and a sandwich...
        and the cigarettes...
                 i still believe the motto
   arbeit macht frei -
              you are able to forget, stop thinking,
automate yourself to perfection
  within a certain skills criterium -
        apparently mine translated into a fluidity
of language (plus the itchy ego,
that i keep scratching / writing about) -
oh no, i don't mean that phrase in the ****
sense of doing pointless tasks...
translate that into the world outside that
very bad joke...
          even the russians with their gulags
made work authentic,
   i guess they were, or maybe that documentary
on the black eagle penal colony
was fake? i'm guessing the failings of that
statement in its original zeitgeist context
translates into: never under-estimate
the power of arbeit - lounging on a beach
and getting a suntan never provides
   the same sort of mental labyrinth,
                counter to a day's worth of
                          "menial" exertion.
Mateuš Conrad Apr 2021
i wouldn't call it vitriol... although:
if push came to shove... i probably should;
looks like i won't be rhyming: again...
free-falling once more...
no, i wouldn't call it vitriol...
god... what a powerfully sounding word:
i'm guessing its etymological
beginnings are intact and
the word has been elevated
without being... "revised" over time
to some cubist monstrosity...
yet it's a word that almost begs
to attract: tautology...
a simple tautology would be...
a crimson red... x...
   vitriol aspires to tautology:
with this demand...
after all... what's a culinary "adventure":
if it isn't subjective?
objectively the sensible round-up
of "troops" of raw goods...
but the subjective reality of
the cauldron...
the spices und: rain-bow...
                    ah... ha...
             best in deutsche...
  rain: regen: no... half reign...
regen-
            -bogen...
   literally two nouns together...
or a noun-verb complex
regen-neigen
              regen-beugen    (sich's a summary
and some, elsewhere)
regen-verbeugen...
unlike a bowtie...
                  a butterfly-try...
what's the actual rainbow
in ol' deutche?
   regenbogen... bog's the standard: no
praise...
while bowtie is: krawatte...
among the Wends & Veleti: mucha / muxa...

a history beside the ape: genesis...
a word in the context of use
that's similar to a hammer...
but what has to be be accomplished:
with a hammer is...
a hammering...
so there's a plot for nail
and two pieces of wood
for... at least a scaffold fixture...

now: i'm not a terrible cook:
i do own a specification that allows
me to gravitate toward: pasta al dente...
and rice like: "uncle tom's cabin"?!
whatever the hell that means...
but when i spectacularly good ****...
i can also cook...

and hey... i can almost figure out
a way into excess 'indu heat
of a vindaloo...
i can understand this excess...
although: point me in the direction
where i misunderstood:
fenugreek seeds...      

fair enough...
   i rhyme i freefall more and more
it' not like i'm a journalist worried
about: what to do with when
it's all column and i'm having ambitions
for paragraphs (etc.)

   when i cook good i cook:
towering infernos of oyster slobber
tongues...
when i cook:  bad (not the least of a lisp
o' shy tongue of a Lee)
i cook like a demon's worth of
revenge...

not understanding certain spices...
you can misunderstand fenugreek...
that's a certain...
chilly too...
you can misunderstand
chimichurri and say:
it's almost a salsa...
but then there's no coriander...
it's mostly parsley...
but there's the acidity of the red wine
vinegar....
somehow the British soldiers
asked for a curry: "give me curry"...
"chimichurri"
in Latin America i guess that's
the prop-up translation...

misunderstanding spices...
Achilles had at least four legs...
toes that towed hoofs...
and hair that smelled of...
plum blossom and sunshine...
maybe a tease of tomatoes...

but i have... vitriol...
i have... "concern"... i have...
   almost 340 grams of leftover
beef roast and peppers
and noodles...
and hoisin sauce etc. that was...
wasted, ******: wasted...

said recipe...
and see if you can spot something, awry...
i didn't use mince beef
i cut up a roast rack...
but... to be honest: no hail mary
of a ******* difference,
nonetheless: the rubric:

1tbsp olive oil
340g of beef
2 garlic cloves
1 red chilli
1 tbsp chinese five spice
2 tsp sichuan peppercorns
1 tbsp brown sugar
2 tbsp hoisin sauce
2 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp crunchy peanut butter

pak choi: sorry... peppers instead...
spring onions, yes yes...
noodles... yes yes...
coriander yes yes...

website? deliciousmagazine.co.uk...
the "cook"?
hence my concern for vitriol
since i will name him...
a... DONAL SKEHAN...
a sing-along pride dancing leprechaun
of a ******* paddy...
has as much knowledge of
foreign spices as i have
giggles having discovered
gunpowder... yeah...
"discovered".... did my China "thing"...
forgot the trap of fancy lights...
brought back the extension
of the crossbow... increased the speed
of projectile...
Spain allowed itself a Reconquista and
3/4 of the h'american continent...
but i am not: of the lineage...
to itch with "pride"...

- a bit glam this culinary adventure...
cooking as if it's homeopathy...
misnomer...
this is not a taste of homeopathy...
i would not ask for diluting a drizzle of
honey in a glass of *****...
although: that doesn't sound all too bad
to begin with...
but it's like... misunderstanding
the use of fenugreek seeds
is like misunderstanding
the use of sichuan pepper...
2... hello?
is that tow too?
yes... two teaspoons of sichuan pepper...
grinded down...

off your rockers... aren't you?
no... but 2TSP of SICHUAN PEPPER?!
you have to be "joking"... no?
ask any European what happens
when you use too much
dry thyme or oregano...

get drunk and ride a bicycle in the middle
of the night:
what the ****?!
my lips, mouth and throat
were trembling: murmuring...
vibrating with something that wasn't exactly hot:
it wasn't camel jockey proud either...

Donal Skehan: former boyband member....
has as much knowledge about food
as i have knowledge turning cow **** into
gnocchi...
honest criticism...
you can abuse a spice, once...
there's a reason the british cricket team
are dubbed the tourists....
you come back with a *******
chimichurri, excesses of fenugreek...
sichuan peppercorns...

             we know salt: as nearest to
the fabric of the Baltic Sea
as musts must be met...
we know salt and salt
is implicit: for / of anything that's ever
to be cooked... no? tenderised? no?

if i were gagging for a stake tartar...
i'd also be drinking horse blood...
mind you: there were a people and
they were denoted by history as Huns...
and they invented the stirrup...
so: hey presto...

detailing the itch of a knife...
by the edge of the least: fathomable scrutiny...
i don't like cooking something
that's... inedible... Donal Skehan's
use of 2tsp of sichuan peppercorns is...
probably enough for comparison
to stage a ******* ****...

honest to god i'll sooner whip up a
whiff... no best kept project beside
"that one" of...
the refreshing "allure" of horseshit...
in a hazy morning hour...

this Iroshman can cook for horde:
and wise-*******...
null!
         2tsp of sichuan peppercorns...
for 340g of beef volume...
no...
            nein nie niet no ne: nem!
it was a terrible idea:
towing brick in rubble, a brick...
now this...  revival sequence of
events and least narratives...

       mea culpa? all the self-help gurus
seem to mind this dimension...
i abhor it... like i abhor the infectious demands
of the "hard work" of psychiatry...
the usual chemo-brain-fizzle...
cocktail of non-events: are "we"?
i thought you concerned yourself
with... politically correct lingo usage...
you... ******* worth of use of a cushion; no?

i was lied to...
stupendously adrift on a raft of bogus...
this bleeding sea of last, frothing...
2tsp of sichuan peppercorns...
you want your lips trembling...
vibrating with an overload
of how to best, overdose...
you...Irish.. squat-****!

              *******... Paddy...
come ****** Sunday:
let's extend it toward keeping it blue
and plum Monday...
******* "cosmopolitan"
of a lost Berliner esque Rilke...
this ******* of a ******* of a Dublin...

even some U2 won't save
your ******* northern itch...
i have vitriol...
i am vitriol...
    i have wasted 340grams of beef
that i might as well have...
butchered: thrice...
than having attempted to cook it
once.
Mateuš Conrad Nov 2017
i'm just about to make a chicken madras-vindaloo, i.e. i really need to take-a-****-really-quick-curry-and-follow-up-with-a-mango-lassi.­

let's face it, you need a "flat earth" schematic
to get from (a) to (b) -
            a 3D earth doesn't really help,
you need a 2D earth ("flat") to coordinate
a vector (you) from point (a) to point (b)...
there's not point highbrowing the fact
when the applicability is an avalanche of
pointless: told you sos (soes).
        
          the earth is "flat" so you can avoid
believing the g.p.s.
  it's not really a sorry, more an: oops.

so, up in space, how's that copernican working
out for you?
     can you tell me where i might find east,
or west, north / south?
  me neither, tried finding the directions
to a proper maxim, couldn't find any...
but i didn't bypass the blind watchmaker
(as ever, atheists love the imagery of
biblical standards, never actually attaining
the analogue desire) -

        something happened -
nietzsche clarified the german echo-chamber -
poor nietzsche thought he was a
polaczek* (polachek) - diminutive of
pollack -
                    but the echo chamber closed with
heidegger -
     rarely a german being honest,
and in being honest: introspective...
thank you, much appreciated.

   hell, if we're so aerodynamic i thought
of a counter-compass...

      i call them pockets of quantum expression,
these days all history is focused upon
the quantum representation -
      universally replicable,
otherwise particularly "particular"...
             there is no originality in
the universality of affairs,
as there is particularity in a "particular"...
hence the new compass:

                             when
                                 |
                    why - "is" - how
                                 |
                            where

the reason why the (0, 0) coordinate is
an "is", is because: nothing ever lasts..
    the negation is a doubled up framing
of the fact that, if a third negation ever
existed, it could not, since a third tier of
negation, could only be a confirmation...

this is my compass from now on...
             yes, my ex-g.f.'s father asked me:
name me a famous pole...
                  marie curie, copernicus?
****, arrived too late...
  once more:
    memory, the only type of cinematic
endeavour than can beat
                    CGI, any day, of the week;
believe me when i tell you
that they really want to erode your faculty
to remember, by teaching you
pythagoras theorem...
        you're not getting educated,
       you're having your memory eroded.

p.s.
   there are too many pockets of exemplified
is - to (counter) contemplate (much easier to deny,
less of a thrill to doubt though) an isn't -
        with what is a doubt / ambiguity of an "is",
"concerned" with an outright denial of
was "isn't"...
                   how do we find this reality
so agreeable in both being fathomable
and unfathomable?
                          i'm starting to
deem the perpetuated placebo effect of
   perpetuation of awe with a cloud of suspicion;
for the advances of man,
     to advance beyond being awe stricken is
most demanding,
then again: one cannot erase the former child
that brought this body into manhood.
Aa Harvey May 2018
Cheque please


You are better than me,
You are quicker than me,
You are more intelligent than me,
Or is it I?  See?
I am worse than you at everything that I do.
I want a vindaloo, but it is three in the morning,
And when I should be snoring, I am wide awake.


Filling another book, look.
It’s twenty something or other;
Lost count now.  Onto another.
Give this one away, can’t be bothered to write it.
Poetry is easy.
Life is in bits.


(C)2018 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
Mateuš Conrad Jul 2018
/                             went to sleep in my bed...
woke up on the floor...
must be high summer
        in england -
               given the temperatures
are crossing
the european norm
of pseudo-african noon
       for the post-colonists...
and fair enough
for the identity-crowd types...
no history, no genesis
and the constant en masse
exodus into space: sprinkled
with grammar abominations
(on a subtle levelling effect)...
that's like jerking off
using a prosthetic limb...
     quasimodo hiding anywhere?
nazis nazis nazis...
nazis nazis nazis nazis nazis nazis
nazis nazis nazis nazis nazis nazis....
so...
   there's no causality involved
in the versailles crowd?
     clean hands...
  just gagging to give applause?!
i washed mine
before thumping 20 onto my face
with my:
   knuckle levelling...
  4th knuckle?
the crown of pinky finger?
not so good against
pouches of endoskeleton
flesh...
            truly requires something
harder...
                like a brick wall...
it: "alligns the stars"...
  which implies a Venitian:
perfecto!
                                  expression...
should­ have earned myself
the status of shoving
my **** into the mouth
of an english king:
fortunately... i didn't...
         shame...
             could have gratified myself
holding a pristine:
                    bouquet of
ambitions,
              future, past,
  and... that other thesaurus gem
equivalent of ambitions:
                        as-pirations...
        pirate­ rationing focus...
three thumb's length of whiskey
and managing
a "healthy" sleeping pattern (later):
ever drank warm beer with
ice?
             glass turns into
                                 a ******* geyser!
not that famous volcano
   of a diet coke bottle + menthos sratched
scraps of a mountain... no...
        bewilder me...
   why do ice cubes...
     when poured over with warm beer...
provide excesses of "shaving" foam?
i'll speak foul...
because the last thing
i can actually conjure to make a memory
theatre is composed of:
kissing a *******
  and forgetting my genitals...
simply for the kiss...
           which felt like... mmm...
jerking off an elephant...
  or ingesting
                a cobra with a ****
of subsequent conundrums of
the throne of thrones bound to
being ****** down by:
       pennywise the toilet whirlwind;
short-script:
         end up eating vindaloo.

      /? that's implied to govern an excess
of space in a formal (i.e. first)
sentence, of a composition.
The Drag-on Dragon Queen

A dragon, with drag on
Although rarely seen
Beneath its scaly skin
She was a dragon queen

She danced the dance fandango
Whilst eating vindaloo
Her firey farts, lit up the sky
And caused a hullabaloo

The dragon king, saw these shenanigans
And thought them rather daft
But despite his better judgement
He laughed, and laughed, and laughed

The dragon king, then joined his sister
Putting on a pink tutu
Quaffed some ale, and cider
And ate some vindaloo

What happened next, i cannot say
And it cannot even be guessed
But by all accounts, it didn't end well
AS dragons with drag on, will never be a-dressed

by Jemia
Mateuš Conrad Apr 2018
a niech še Mickiewicz
tę Litczonke pochówawszy...
poszle'ji prosto po Greka,
j'baniem po tsara Cyrola!
psi tryp!
gawari to samo so pies
o ogon koło bada!
morda zorem kulą,
morda zorem na szczyt
cerkfi kieła gryz szarpana.
       a tu mi grzyw,
a tu mi łokieć,
a tu po chłopsku
kiedy zdziw jako:
       PIN'jebanamać'gwint!
sto kurva razy tego fryz
litanii 'wina sie pytoł:
zachooooood, ci tyьбıe wschód?
no ta(h) zegnój ci to teraz
do świcki!
                         popierdolone rho
cyrku i romā(h)...
pomiatajrzy Mickiem po
cha cha cha lit... win... skim...
Co,  Pani nie pod pisze wyroku sądu
nad nad, tym wyrzszy, tzn. po-wia-to-wy?
Litwin udaje panicza,
   'krainiec stara: boze dopomuz
stać po pijaku... nad... świnią!
Litwa i mazowsze niech i tam,
co i tam... pochybel, sicz,
     cień, i zmartwychstań, wola...
niech no ciota skryje bliny...
jam człek... cytaty cy niet cytaty...
ale wbrew romansidła...
       krew sieje gniew...
a gniewaj nad lublu czy tesz
lulu...
             od dziwki smak rumieńca,
jako kosak wart wiatri i cienia...
niech ten panicz Mickiewicz spierdala
do Wilna, do licheń lacha
smarkatka...
          my to Ukroj i Wina...
       chleb z pod Kijowa...
      a krew z murów zwanym Vavel...
litfa to kiedys byla...
    smarkatka dworzan...
     ni tu, ni teruz...
masz ci my dyszli...
   zbroje 'glika: anną zwysz...
          ci dam znów: KUNDLA
ZOREM O TYCZ'KE I ZBIÓR!
              co boze sam ni d'oh...
człek tym warty o ******>    razy pierw to gnać, co boźy
rozum pierw szarpnie cienia...
honestly, the crown's romance
with Lithuania is long gone and stale...
I will die, not having seen L'viv...
and all the happier my lack
of dreams will be,
           as of now, unto death...
    Mickiewicz had his romance
with Lithuania,
   i, at least, can appreciate,
Ukrainian beer...
               no fun having staged
the European championship with
Poland... so no wonder the annexed
Crimea...
           thank god I never actually
managed to breed with English women,
even recreationally...
    given the current: and what if
Pontius Pilate ate vindaloo
for breakfast? search me,
  you either ask Jack or Sherlock.
nivek Jul 2021
The Hoodie Crows love leftover Vindaloo
and I make it hot laced with Kashmiri Chillies
but still they come each time I lay their table
and I bide them Welcome, eat your fill for free.
Arek Oct 2019
it's curry night at my place
come over if you dare
of ****** maybe just in case
bring an extra pair

to start I'll serve a rogan josh
then tikka masala
you'll hear loud screams of oh gosh
then prayers to god and allah

and you'll learn about a dish
its called a vindaloo
and why first mouthful's so delish
but then it ends with loo

so tomorrow sunday morning
the church bells will be ringing
bellowing out a warning
of your impending high pitched singing
When i leave
My mortal coil
I would love to think
That mourners, do not toil
But instead, are awash with colour
With flowers in their hair
Created at home
Or from an art group flair
No cut flowers
If can do
Let natures beauty
Remain alive, and true
I would prefer my burial
To be green
But realise that this
Would be a costly dream
Although i have no religious views
Folk could express, their own adieus
My greatest wish
Is to leave love
For all of you
And this love
Will remain as true
And as hot
As a Vindaloo
As i drift off
Into an ethereal mist
And dance with the fairies
Drinking mead
And getting ******

by Jemia
Mateuš Conrad Mar 2019
it's either the magpie or the crow,
a complete dissociation
from the sparrow,
or the swallow...
                       eh... not even close to
the eagle...

          as ever, there's always
the proximate totem...

              lucky for me... it's a fox...

i once had a chance...
        drinking in a public park,
at night,
as you do, admiring the emerging
London horizon...
climbing over the fence,
chancing upon a teenage girl...

you want fear? you mute it,
frantic, and then you take
the responsible adult agenda...

   the clingy nature of this
feast was undeniable,
running to and fro,
for no particular reason,
a black cat emerged,
which i cuddled,
   became unnerving for
the poor creature,
gave her my mobile
(when i still had one)...

we were trying to find her friend,
they were at a party,
they had an argument...
we found her friend...
lying face down at a bus stop,

i sprinted over to her,
helped her get up,
took off my hoodie and put it
on her,
    ticked the cap,
hey, it's alright,
    she felt small in my size
of clothing,
   phoned one of her dads
(a black cabbie)
   told him the coordinates,
sat for a while
at a bus-stop,
   they obviously had to
take evidence in the form
of a photograph...
   the dad came,
in his black cab,
     and the two disorientated
teenagers went swiftly home...

but the potential was there...
                    exposed cleavage...
genuine fear
is a far cry from any mantra
of the implored...
it's muted...
   it's: at best, gesticulated
in a frantic variation
of body language...

          having seen it...
i'd guess i'd know
     what a hapless teenage
girl looks like,
   having just asked a stranger
coming out
from a park at night
over the fence for: help...

   curiosity...
           what if i was not circumcised?
that's a genuine question...
    choice, will...
i wasn't asked to be baptised,
but i was, hence my middle
name: conrad...
            but sure as ****
after a vindaloo
   i rejected confirmation;

and i didn't do the liberal
   "-esque" quasi revival
of sniffing up a hindu ***
or a buddhist's *******...
i went past the tonsure...
and started sniffing under
the kippah.
Arek Feb 2021
Learning to levitate
so far has not been easy
I smashed my wine glass and a plate
and it made me dizzy

I thought it had worked on my cat
when he jumped in the air
but I think it turns out that
he freaked out from my stare

Then suddenly out of the blue
you lifted off the ground
after eating my home made vindaloo
and accompanied with a sound
I wonder if vampires
***, or poo
With so much quaffing
Of claret, or blood
If they bite me
My blood may be
Either honey Mead
Or Vindaloo
Flavour
Which could turn them
Kind of funny
And not much to savour
Fang you very much

by Jemia
William May 2020
Oh, isn't this a sorry state ?
We must no longer salivate,
For food that's deemed unfit to eat,
Like burgers, pizzas, and red meat.
Throw all your frying pans away
But don't forget your five a day
Forget about pate de fois
Just eat mange tout and petit  pois
Without it Chinese food's not great
That mono-sodium glutinate
Remember if you feel forlorn
There are those strips of tasteless quorn.
Don’t be a meat barbarian
Become a vegetarian.
From early childhood, through my teens,
I gagged on all those ghastly greens.
And when I close my eyes I see
Those parboiled spears of broccoli.
How could I possibly forget
Stuffed aubergine and baked courgette?
I am and will be evermore
An unrepentant carnivore.
Con carne with rice? now, don’t be silly
You need a plate of three bean chilli.
I must confess, it’s not long since
I ate a bowl of proper mince.
O, what is life so full of care,
When we can only stand and stare
At treacle sponge and drizzle cake
And ice cream with a chocolate flake.
Next, will the nation’s favourite dish
Of greasy chips and battered fish
With mushy peas on top be banned
In England’s green and pleasant land?
And in the village bakery
Can we still buy cream cakes for tea?

No butter on my toast or muffin?
No crackling, no more sausage stuffing?
As each day passes how I dream
Of scones with jam and clotted cream.
Should I eat fries and a Big Mac?
Will that bring on a heart attack?
Shall I really come to grief
From Yorkshire pudding and roast beef?
Is it true that I might die
From eating steak and kidney pie?
Has it really come to this?
So many things to give a miss.
It’s time for take-away again
A spicy Singapore chow mien
I'm hungry, I could eat a horse
with chips and sweet and sour sauce
So many choices drive me crazy
Now I'm thinking beef jalfrezi
With pilau rice and nan bread,too
Or, maybe a chicken vindaloo.
Then to finish with, I think,
Some ice cream and a fizzy drink.
Then maybe later, if you please,
Some biscuits with some stinky cheese.
Then, though I really I didn’t ought
I’ll wash it down with vintage port.
People like me are branded fools,
Who never did obey the rules.
Am I so foolish? Pray, do tell
I’m nearly eighty, and quite well.
Maybe I eat foods I should not
But am I bothered?,not a lot.
“Eat and enjoy” is what I say
And live to eat another day.
Today I have no time for sorrow,
True, I might not wake tomorrow.
If I do then I will treasure
All the things that give me pleasure
I never could get sentimental
For breakfast a la continental
I'll get up slowly,take my ease.
And breakfast?  Cooked, full English, please.

Copyright @ W. F. Randle May 2020
Arek Apr 2020
i told her i'm a poet
that i write from the heart
but my latest poem no way i can show it
it's title is "the ****"

i told her that my words are serious
and my poetry complicated
but they were written when i was delirious
and oh so heavily inebriated

i told her that i got a prize
when a contest my poem won
but she doesn't know or realise
of participants there was just one

i told her i'll write for her too
so i think i better hurry
soon as i stop farting from that vindaloo
and last nights spicy chicken curry

— The End —