Sadly your just a player!

If you not willing to fully commit to love.
without any conditions.

Player!

You're not committed to given love, unconditional.

Player!

Unofficially your just playing  your postion.

Player your game has no emotions of cognition.

Player! You've completely lost your mind CTE,
Concussion due to the impact
from head on head collisions,traumatize,
disturbing,recognition.

You're just a

Player!

in a game

Disillusioned

thinking that you're winning.

Stop lying to your self

Foolishly thinking that your winning.

When your just really a pawn looking to
Substitute the role of a queen position.

But there can only be one King.
Don't you ever forget it.

Sacrificial player.

on july 13th, 2013: George Zimmerman
a florida native with a history of violence
was found not guilty for the ****** of unarmed 17 year old African American boy Trayvon Martin claiming self defense

on may 8th, 2012 African American, Marissa Alexander:
a florida native with no history of violence
was sentenced to 20 years in prison for discharging a warning shot out of self defense from the wrath of her abusive ex- husband

marissa,
i often wonder how you felt on july 13th when you heard the Trayvon Martin verdict
did you feel the heaviness of invisible shackles weighing your hands and feet down like you had stepped into the 1600s?
did you feel a surge of anger burn through your throat like i did for you?

did you ask yourself if you should’ve continued letting your husband play picasso on you?
Letting your body be his work of art as he splattered blotches of black and blue making a tie-dyed canvas out of you?
because the jury treated the bruises you wore as if they were the plague
saying beware of a black woman who protects herself
it takes 20 years of solitary confinement to cure her of this disease

marissa,
are you afraid of the skin of bullseyes your two children were born into
knowing that society will use them for target practice every day like they did for you?

can you not sleep at night out of fear anytime your child pulls a hood over his head
that he is marking himself as sacrifical lambs to our legal system?

did you tell your mother the next day to burn your babies black hoodies
because on July 13th it was made known
being black and wearing a hood means danger
that being black and wearing a hood means you have a hunger for ******
that being black and wearing a hood means you have cosigned to a persecution?
and yet…we all seem to forget the ones in white that fit the same description

marissa,
i hope you’re starting to see America has OCD
wanting to color within the same lines, with the same two colors
segregating black and white
neglecting to realize that blood and blood shed never bleed out in the same two colors
just look at the crime scenes of Trayvon Martin and your ex-husband

marissa,
from now on when you bite your tongue while eating
don’t spit the blood out
leave it, let it settle, then swallow
and let it be a reminder of all the trayvon martins, all the emmett tills, all the james birds, and all the little black boys who died for standing their ground like you tried to

marissa,
i know you feel like god abadoned you
as if he stabbed you into the back and sent you on a suicide mission
but please
know you are my symbol of hope
you are my hero
the woman i wish to emulate and be
you are the one i pray for at sunday night dinners while holding the one hand of my black mother and the other hand of my white father
hoping one day america can sing free at last and actually mean that
hoping one day america can be blended and still be considered alright
hoping america will stop painting pictures in only black and white

Was it ever real?
The way we felt about that person?

Or was it a projection of something we needed, or something we wanted regardless of their emotions?

Filling the void is a task best left to the emotionless.

I, myself, had always had a complicated relationship with emotions. I either felt it all, or felt emptiness/blankness/nothingness.

Frighteningly, it was mostly the latter.

I want only to fill it, terrified that it'll destroy me, eat me alive. I fear the annihilation. The silent erasure.

But to fill it, I have to sacrifice another. I have to offer up the warm blood of a lamb to the cold gods of my chest.

I've watched his heart break. I've seen his eyes go dark. I've felt the winds change.

I'm so sorry.

But I love myself more.

I think the place to start isn't so much about asking whether it was real, but to question if it was love I was looking for initially.

I wish I could accept the nothingness and be satisfied without having to put anyone else in it.

I'm so sorry.

Dead inside
parasites
Lost our feelings lost our souls
Eat rotten corpses like disintegrating crows

Gaia is tortured and *****
Mother earth's desecrated womb
Locked butterflies in a tomb
free world for the dead

We are pests in a planet not even our own
Doomed to eternal depression,
Kings of chaos, a royal crown of a dove's corpse
Peace? you'll find that in Hell.

Barren hopes for broken futures
Sacrifical youths to fake idols
Morals drowned in a well
Dead hearts locked in our own decaying cell

Barren hopes
for broken futures
pests in a planet that is not even our own
no dove with an olive branch
no gods no masters no life just caskets.

Engraved,
Dear,
I'll stay gold.

I sell my soul
for a pre-made bed
I give myself whole
for a sleeping spot in your head

I give my blood
for sacrifical purposes
I crawl through mud
til I no longer feel the worthlessness

I shed my fears
and all my dark feathers too
I spill them like tears
They fall of my leafs like new day dew

I pull out all my flowers
and plant them close to you
they will grow and become towers
which can only hold things that are true

And as my demons come for my lungs and liver
my hive heart will send all my bees
so these towers never wither
and this love never leaves

wow
what an *******
what a jerkwad
what a *******
what a conceited,
selfish, self sacrifical
*******.

what makes you think
that you're stronger
than the rest of us?

what makes you think you can carry
this burden meant for others
and not break?

what makes you think you're not
loved like the rest of us?

what ****** you up so hard in the head
that made you believe that
you're not important?

why are you so quick
so willing
to jump in front of a moving train
if it meant saving another's life?

aren't you only 15?
why are you so tired of living?

I have never had a monopoly on anything, have I?
I am not the best at being a lover-
I am not the best at my sport, I only play well when it is only up to me
I am not the best at school, or math
I am not the best artist, singer,
my violin playing has been slacking
it seems that the only thing I am best at is feeling, feeling love and hate, but even that is not true because sometimes I think I fabricate myself
and sometimes I think I am the best at thinking, but
even that is not true, I am not even a genius on the IQ scale,
I am the best at obsession, maybe
but there are those whose thoughts are so consumed with one thing
that the rest of their life takes a back seat
I am the best at love, self-sacrifical love,
maybe it's because I have not met someone who was more willing than I
or maybe it's because I have deluded myself and can't see
my actions for what they really are,
and there are those who speak kinder, who listen more,
I am not the best at anything,
maybe that is why I want so bad to be in an equal partnership
so that I am the best and most important thing,
if only to them, and they are the best and most important thing,
if only to me, and
together we have a monopoly on each other
and the rest of the world can go **** itself, for all we care.

Paper full penned

Gone are the days that we used to force ink out of the pen

Trying to bring up a solution out of a forgotten chemical formulae

Gone are the days,we used to force love out a dragon mouth

Instead,we'll make it emit more fire

Gone are the sacrifical days,when one could die for others

In the name of love,one could be imprisoned

We now stand for ourselves and let the bygones be bygones

We call it the Forbidden