The feeding tube had left her mouth a gap.
Allowing her breath to dry, her lips and crack. I dampend the spounge on a stick and applied the moisture her lips severaly were lacking.
I had never seen her like this.  
Helplessness doesn’t suit her, yet she has been wearing it for months now because of me I’m sure.
She opened her eyes.
My heart skipped a beat.
I pull from my transe of guilt and rise from my seat. “Hello.” I say wiping away any trace of tears, but no matter how hard I tried I knew I wouldn’t wipe away the fear.
I wait, watcing her reaction intently.
“Please remember me this time…” I beg her without a single word.
“Pain…” Her voice cracked..
“I’m in pain Ashley.” Her words slurred.
I push the button for the nurse and kiss her forhead. She remembers me this time!
I don’t know what to say beside, “I’m so sorry.” In shame.
15 months ago I graduated high school.... This should be the beginning, not the end.
She cried and I held her head to my chest as I brushed her hair with my fingers.
Something she taught me long ago.
Her loving gestures through my heart will always echo. She helped me survive.
She was my breathing machine.
My morphine.
My life coach.
Once medicated she fell asleep.
She left her pain for now, but the thought that in hours her pain would wake her made me weap.
There was a light knock and the curtain opended.
A lady wearing nice clothes and a gentle smile stepped forward.
“Hello Ashley, I’m Janice with St. Mary’s hospice.” "Hospice?" I ask, never hearing of it before.
She was one of many that week.
After nearly a month, mom woke up.
“I’m tired,” Her dry house voice tried to speak.
Her lips began to quiver against the feeding tube, she was so weak.
“Close your eyes and rest.” I said knowing there was a deeper meaning in her words.
She shook her heard no, tears now streaking her face. “Stop.” She croaked.
I knew she wanted to leave this place.
I pressed the button for the nurse.
“Are you ready to take the feeding tube out mom?” I asked openly, regreating every word.
She looked at me with such big eyes, so much emotion stirred.
Extreme fear, confusion, sadness, feeling I’d never seen her express.
I hated seeing her in this stranger like state.
Imagine the pressure layed upon you, to choose your fate.
In a way, I know, for my job was to figure moms wants and then make her life or death decision.
With her beautiful eyes locked on mine, she shook her head yes.
“Are you sure?” Oh how I wish I could clean up this mess.
She shook her head yes again as the nurse got another stranger. After the nurse gave her more morphine I asked for the number to St. Johns hospice.
Mom started to drift away and I left her with a kiss. They removed the feeding tube.
13 days passed.
Much longer then the doc’s thought she’d last.
No food.
No water.
The repeated question ran through my head, was I a good or bad daughter.
Regaurdless my selfish thoughts, she lay still unable to answer, she looked happier though.
She never spoke after we talked about her choice to leave, how I’d wished she said no.
I lived in complete shame.  
I had lost the best part of me, without her, my body felt lame.
I had to be strong for my sister, whom I’d been left to care for.
I was her stone.
I then lived as a stone.
Brainless, emotionless, cold. How would she have felt to see me living like this….
It would **** her, the thought lingered like a poisonous kiss.
I had to live again. I have to live for the both of us now, the way it had never been.

Do you ever want to down?
Like, just ******* drown.
Maybe someone could hold me down
It feels good to drown

I am forced to make the bad decisions
like there was no option for good
I know it's self sabatoge
But man it feels good

You see,
The effort is the stressor

So hold me down
Please hold me down
I don't want to think right now

Because if you don't hold me down



I'll swim  



For how long?

-don't know.

Where?

-don't know.

Will I make it?

Will anyone care?


If I try to swim and don't make it, will anyone care?

Or

--wait---

I mean ridicule.
Will they ridicule me?

See,
That's why I need you.

Because it's all on you.
It's not my fault if I drown
If your hand pushes me down

I'll think about the stars I'll never see
I wouldn't see them regaurdless

Blacked out reality is quite easy
Swishing dreams in my mouth is easy


...


But if your arm gets tired
And I'm too hard to sink
Maybe we could swim together?

Every once in a while,
Something strange happns.
I dream.
Sometimes, I’m not asleep.
Dreams are everything you want, but just can’t have.
I dream of the past.
I go through old notebooks amd folders, work that has consumed hours of my life.
It reminds me of happier times.
So, I sit on the floor and I dream.
Every once in a while.
I have courage.
I build up the strength to sit and listen as I'm told everything i'm not and everything I could be, or at least could have been.
I build up courage to talk when all my throat and mouth wants me to do is shut up.
Every once in a while,
I can't take any more.
The tears run down my face for reasons unknown to myself and the rest of the world.
I am a shell.
Empty.
Void of anything remotely human.
I put earbuds in to make myself look busy, but no music is playing.
I listen as people around me question me and my existence as I sit and pretend not to hear.
Every once in a while, regaurdless of all the displeasures,
I don't mind and I am happy.
These periods are more brief, so I grasp them tightly as they begin to fade and try to hold on.
On one of these rare occasions, I found love.
and every once in a while,
they tell me they love me.
And from that every once in a while...
I feel Joy.

Love as much as you can afford,
Cuz if you give it your all just to fall you'll lose much more,
Explanations keep them short,
Cuz if you get put on trial they'll use it in court.
Take all your vulnerabilities to use as artillery
Make you out to be something your not and quickly turn into a liability,
Make you feel incapable like you have a disability,
To everyone your no longer available and prevents you from your responsibilities.
Forces your attention starts to steal your time,
Evem after you give them every single second of affection they are never satisfied,
So you cut off the entire worlds detection rather you and your lover just hide,
But even after all the wasted effort a crime is what they find..
Regaurdless if one was ever committed they will go sniffing,
If you look for something hard enough you'll find it even if it never existed.
No matter the words or context they find a way to make them twisted,
Your feelings mean nothing no more cuz they are always the victim.
Rights and wrongs aren't where they belong and they don't understand the difference,
Fights drag on way too long and
Every toxic Instance has become too consistent,
Hoping and wishing that things could be different,
Maybe you need just a little distance but they get so resistant,
Should you leave or should you stay it's a hard decision..