Crossed country with the reasons
there was the level of identification with the fracture
and held tight by the shirt, the mind with the mangled heart
screaming
"I created it!"
"Its mine!"
The glass half empty told by gods a little more established therein
The glass half empty is pragmatism
so the god transformed
With the swirling
& The swirling
How does joy become old
But fear becomes brand new once administered
So the god transformed
The staples flung out the mangled heart
Thin iron twisted, getting lost in soot by corners of rooms with hardwood floors
And it screamed
"I created it!"
"I'm ******* freed of it!"

Stretch marks, swollen ankles, itchy skin , aching back
Bigger feet, bigger bust, bigger belly as the day goes by
tiny flutters, little kicks, tiny fingers in my ribs
I've never felt like such a mess, or more beautiful

Unreal pain, Iv's, medication, the clock isn't moving
The room is spinning, a heart beat on the moniter next to me
Timing contractions, breathing, water, trying to ***
I never knew I had such detirmination , such strength

two days later, finally i look in the mirror at myself
Stretched out skin, saggy, swollen, bloated
Swollen feet, swollen legs, lots of extra skin
my hairs a mess, everything hurts and I have a scar

six months later, scar has faded, legs are back to normal
Feet are the right size again.. my bust, that's a different story
Then there's the weight that just won't leave
My body is totally different now.. and I still have a scar

I don't know how to relate to myself anymore , my body is different
I look at myself in the mirror and its not who i remember
I don't know what to wear or how to wear it
Things that I thought were comfortable are not anymore

I struggle each time i have to go somewhere to find something
Something I can nurse in, something that's comfortable
I feel fat, But I have strange moments of confidence
after all my body is freaking amazing, I made a human

All I ask is as I wade through these days of new motherhood
As I choke back tears everytime I have to find an outfit
As I have to second guess my outfits because I choose to breast feed
As I struggle with a bust so big its difficult to hide

All I ask from those in my life is a love and understanding
Understand this is a new world for me, being a mom
Understand that my body has changed permenatly
Understand I'm just getting to know the new me again

And please be patient as I figure all this out
As I nurse my baby and do whats right for my love
As I struggle through new outfits and my new body
As I learn to love the new me and feel beautiful again

Thank you <3

One minute I laugh
Smile stretching my face taut
A sideways glance stolen from the prejudice mirror reflects
MASSIVE pupils like all consuming black holes
4 hours ago I was a ******* Tomato and I know you will mis pronounce it  miles above the planet Earth I crash down only to land on venus (Cuz there's girls there)
3 hours now the clock above this moniter is orange purple no wait it's yellow well when it was a clock now its turned into a pile of ants ******* they ruined the picnic,  just like people they scurry about to interfere and get all up in my affairs
are not straightened out at all on the surface I remain calm and collected but inside my conscious is scattered sporadically across 12 ******* dimensions of lysergia And then the jet lands gradually touchdown to reality. Deep breath full of marijuana smoke okay houston we're back in the air Right on brutha peace love unity whatever man do your thing I could really not care less

I once saw a winter tree
With **** skewered on each branch
Next to the road
In the front lawn
Of my elementary school crush.

I once melted a coil of her hair
On a lightbulb
In her attic
I still remember the smell.

I do not remember the smell of the tree
I imagine it smelled like ****.

I once watched return of the jedi

On a pulled out futon mattress
While my elementery school crush
And her two younger sisters
Explored each others bodies.

I ignored them.
I also ignored Carrie Fisher losing her entire planet.

Instead I watched their mother lose a game of majong on her dusty grey computer moniter.

She then sold some of the hoarder stash lining their walls on ebay.

This is where I learned to observe.
Being a fly in the tar pit is more honest then
Being a fly on the wall.

I do not remember the smell of starwars

I imagine it smells a lot like a woman
losing a game of majong.

I imagine it smells a lot
like sweat
and tears.

I want to feel your soft skin on my fingertips
As you hold me close at night
Hear soft snores from the moniter
Of our baby sleeping tight
I'll still lie awake at 2 am
But tears will not fall this time
Because I won't feel a need to cry anymore
With a warm body by my side
And I'll smile at 2 in the morning this time
Because I'll know this to be true
That I'll have finally beat my demons
And the hard times will finally be through

Accept the first option displayed by the godless black screenless moniter,
honest laughter contains the graveless monster ageless in our hearts whether programmed to or not,
The glowing door appears in low self-esteemed corridors guarded and ignored from the lawless oasis of subconscious statements, eating the fated to grow families graced under skeleton arches of martyrs disregarded, stand united with hand clasps tightened under flags of saturns dying breath in cycles, designs set in circular sequwence depicting the reforms sought after every disaster after the codex of shattered beliefs was writ to be promoted by the gullible innocents lovably prone to systems set in comforting tones, one day we'll wash away wills of peace weakened citizens willingly stagnant but that's a given object of fascination to be replaced like the shackles of fate yet claim them as absent, happily trading their lackluster talents as hostage informants abhorred with the bargain struck between state and the poor