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Wanderer Mar 2012
Every muscle aches
Tense
Stretching into yet another morning
Awaiting the inevitable
Slinking through dark hallways
The front door pulled free, sliding open on silent hinges
I breathe deeply of dew
My hands shake in my coat pockets
I don't want to go to the doctor
I know that I am getting a shot
They (my illusion of control) always tell me to behave
Well I'm not like them or anyone else I know
Drawing in quiet, shadowed corners
I barely hear the soft cry of doves
**** them
My whole Thursday is ruined
Shouldn't I have some say?
Property. Separate beating heart.
Separate thinking brain
Property.
Why even run, someone else will just find me
Try and stick me with "anti-bodies"
Under the guise of "knowing-what's-best-for-me"
**** them.
Feet moving faster.
Only I know what's best for me
Andrew Rueter Mar 2018
I argue
To harm you
The protective computer screen
Allows me to be rude or mean
Without feeling your pain
So it becomes a game
Or a simulation of fame
If I can ignore the shame

The tread is wearing off the tire
After the internet stripped
The rubber off the telephone wire
And we lost our loose grip
After being shocked
By the rest of the flock
Their existence
Shows a difference
That is hard to accept
We're not what we expect

We push the boundaries of communication
But we can't handle the technology
I feel it gives me social immunization
But I feel the darkness follow me
And swallow me
Until I'm wallowing
Yet I don't know why
I try to ignore it
Only if it gets me high
Will I be for it

This utilitarian keyboard
Should help me see more
Instead it transcribes my anger
As I turn into an electric stranger
The words on my pixelated screen
Do not reflect my childhood dreams
But the bitterness of dreams being crushed
My petulant reactions are thoughtlessly rushed
And I represent my views in a negative way
Until I'd be more useful with nothing to say

There is a need for empathy
In the electronic discourse
Right now there is only entropy
And words without remorse
Spoken from a high horse
That looks down on peasants who own it
It's also a slave but doesn't even know it
So it arrogantly trots along
Never admitting that it's wrong
Until it hears the slithering snakes rattle
Then it doesn't mind wearing a saddle
But the venom has already been injected
And its mind becomes hopelessly infected

We argue without blinking
We argue without thinking
We argue with poor logic
Our ignorance we flaunt it
Until the internet is haunted
Can be found in my self published poetry book “Icy”.
https://www.amazon.com/Icy-Andrew-Rueter-ebook/dp/B07VDLZT9Y/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Icy+Andrew+Rueter&qid=1572980151&sr=8-1
I built a wall
A vertiginous wall

I stacked the bricks one by one
The mortar binding them was invincible, I thought

I built that wall until it became a fortress,  
Surrounding me
Protecting me

And you came, a marvel of a storm
Sundered the mortar and tore my wall

Yet a foot I kept
Upon the ground, upon a brick.
palladia Oct 2013
promenades the sleepless night through my, like rain, palm;
tears, counting, marble-toward drops
i am to nothing degenerated,
pirating surrealism.
with my contusions, awareness-lacked, tramples
brought to the temple, rotoscoped, liquidates
from the core, curdled blood.
clouds, sickness with apathy, the air
made balcony on, flesh-spoken, impassioned.
i, the night, erotize
begin their flock, sursum corda!
tremble, i, and scrape the tower before me
pulverization may lead to immunization, where i
melt as sulfur in
Midas’s clasp.
i walked his tread, years on end, scoped out
miserable, fragmented, at startwith:
he touched my arm
and to precious
metals, pitchfork incubated, i arose
fashioned his pedestal, glamored in steps, appraised biased
no represent sources, ideal inertia, this primal adoration
slips of drillpressed kisses
caught off guard.
in the tufts, my mortal : remember, i, of parquet deeply hidden;
i am of a world, peace, cast : however,
deeply
lachrymogenic
...and it doesn't have to end there.
much of what i already know and learn is transmitted
sent to me through experiences i'd rather not relive
(until encouragement speaks)
but through the hardest circumstances
come the better attractions
although sometimes bad leads to worse,
(and i wish it hadn't).
Heather Moon Feb 2015
\\\\\_------/////////



Sitting in the blue-grey stillness

Of my bathroom

Temperature set to make a perfect

balance

between hot and cold.

Except I am leaning on the cold side,

Prickly hairs.



Porcelain bowls,

cupids, angels,

catholic saints,

preasthood,



Angelic ivory

white

toilet bowl

Stained with our animal ****

Over time creating cracks

Of filthy streaks

Just like

how humans carve into

the Earth,

Denying our birth,

Killing our worth,

By overstuffing

our girth

To hide our

true nature.


Ivory bowl

I have just released my blood to you

Blood of my ancestors

Sacred blood

Blood pasted down

in this lineage.

Deep, deep

womb blood


Blood of mistakes.

Blood of stupid conversations and lies

I lived.


Blood of my dear dear
Precious baby

Blood of shame

Further ingrained

Into this white ivory
perfection.

Blood of the savage within me

Crying to break out

While I stand stout

And pull my bow

Tighter and tighter

Sharpen the peaks

Of my fake smile.

I'm happy

I'm happy

I'm normal, normal,
Normal!!!

While inside drums cry

To be beaten

Battles rage on

in explosive contemplation

My bodies ovulation

Of fertile

Formation
....
Then the immunization
..

I try to move to the beat of the nation

But it's a boring station

Feeling my souls frustration

With this numbing radiation.

The baby in my body wails

I am NOT(!!!!)
To be born
To a ship that
fails
The sails.


I am sitting on this

Cloy toilet bowl,

a mirage of all that's wrong

Ring wrought

Fought

rung wrong

Throughout me.

I've been living so long

Killing my song

Killing my dear
Sweet, sweet baby


Hiding demons behind flesh

An obsess

to hide the less

Only ever the best

The best, best,
Best, Best!!


And now I sit,

In porcelain stillness

A full release of the wild woman
woven deep in my bones and blood


Now I sit

Smothering myself

in the mud

I was born in.

Once too ashamed to accept the actuality

of this physical form.


Now I sit


In the silence after
The storm.


Miscarriages, miconceptions
Flopped contraceptions
Illusions, lost directions


Miscarriage means:

a foiled outcome

Of something planned,

Lost dreams,

So strongly bound

Into my bone.

Now I'm feeling

Alone.

They say you must be empty to be free...


Pulling the scattered pieces

Off of the wall

Reshaping after

The fall

Courage. Courage.Courage
COURAGE!!!!


Courageous heart

How I let you fall apart


I'm here

I'm now

I'm ready

to grow

Run free
run strong

And let blossom

The seeds
you sow.


--thank you--
.. sweet blood..

.
Alex Smith Apr 2019
It's been a year since my suicide attempt. Right now, I'd be in the ER waiting to find out which inpatient clinic I'd go to. One year. Since, I have escaped from toxic people and shifted from an old self. One year. What do I have to show for it? Emotional outbursts? A nicotine addiction? Abandoning my creativity? A battle with a psychological addiction to psychedelic drugs? What does progress look like? What does it mean to reconstruct yourself? A building torn - that's what I am. A prairie, a forest, which has experienced a wild fire. Beyond recognition, I deface myself - as if to erase myself and destroy the things I like. What does progress look like? Am I getting there? In my view, progress is not always seen by you directly. It is not our job to determine if we make progress, but, by the value of people and situations in our lives, we will have it be seen. To do things for ourselves is wonderful. But, what does progress look like? It looks like making giant leaps forward - and then three steps back. It looks like dipping our toe in the water, and then wanting to dry off. It looks like it's perfect, but actually not. It looks like a broken toy fixed with expired super glue. Who are we to determine progression? It's an obsession of the mind for us to think that progress means we must always be fine - that we must be perfect. If I have a million irrational thoughts in a day, does that make my one totally rational thought insignificant? I think not. If I spend one day totally upbeat, productive, and happy - are my sad feelings any less valid? No. So, progress looks like this: admitting to yourself that sometimes we won't have things together completely. We acknowledge it, think rationally, and move to the next focus. Progress is not total immunization of our quirks, but it is less demonization for how we work. Our brains - they want to help us survive. The brain gets confused among irrational thoughts and can jump and put us in an emotional turmoil jeopardy. But, be kind to yourself. Be kind to the "miswires" in your brain - because it cares for you and wants you to survive. Strive. What does progress look like? I'm not sure if I can see mine - I'm not sure what it totally looks like. But, maybe, look in a mirror. See yourself - the reflection of desire. Aspire to be who you are, judgement free. In a sort of clarity, you can see. Ask yourself:
"What does progress look like?"
It looks a bit like you.
Alin Oct 2014
my first steepest path of no return was just before a gorgeous mountain sunset.

a step by step ascending lesson of life and death executes a subconscious mantra in the head.

“let this trail cleanse the left!”
“oh you don’t even know what you wish for” a fallen rock said.

Dangers of naivety soon to become an inconvincible dance
arm in arm with a serpent deep down curling along a 50 minutes line.

What if it would be dark before reach?
No you don’t think that!
You don’t think anything there is not time for.
Make your each step the first full one and the last.
Questioning too is undone by each:
don’t look left, don’t look right, don’t look backs
stand upright, hurry not and move aheads.

He says stand upright ******
and I repeat
Every word that he says
I repeat.

Stand
I say,
I will,
will stand now again...
Making my sound a guide as if a movie or a dream but none,  
it’s for real this time.

Haven’t known sound could have such firing power,
it ‘s a conversion factor,
converts illusive threat jokingly to harsh reality.

Joking helps at moments as such of black and white,
brings in awareness by memorial color
and attention.
Oh If I have ever known have I dared to walk that path?
I presumably would have said: Hey you keep the faith, move ahead,
get slapped by the mountain for a chick tattoo on your forehead.”

or have I maybe known but hushed up by innocence?
... to be granted a new life as if a test!

Is that maybe why two horses heartily blessed me goodbye
after a cup of soup on a traveler’s inn and grounded my burning anxiety?

Life asks to shut the mind, switch off the emotion
Death requires the fantasy of the fright:
a slippery byproduct from the left or the right side.

maybe I play a trick on me

Unless he said ... unless you can cross the death.

but happy I am, happy now I did it I say, happy because I am alive I say
and these are mouthful of blubber just!

We both know it had to be done.
A prerequisite to undone a past is no choice and always comes in with a test.
Call it an initiation’s necessity – an immunization so blood knows how to fight
but also invites by incarnating the next - when once vaccinated ...

I say let the following be a goddess by the name of Grace
such as is a glimpse of a yellow flower on my thoughtless way  
78 degrees to the eye but perception marks its true coordinates
once a priceless confidence is granted through her sudden appearance
she says :
the mountain knows you
trust it so be it then you will see
without depending on your eyes
it is a curly, tunnel like track beneath the crown
light shines through on a straight line
illuminates sides of the caves
all at a moment of now
you shall see whichever path is the truth paved for you only

I am mute since then peacefully empty inside
silent, different, high
as if a part of me stayed at heavenly heights to endlessly be irrigated
I accept
without bringing in past emotions to fill the gap
no I fright not anymore not to have frights or ties  
a memory is lost and let me be empty inside
Spoken Version : http://dnalumuland.wordpress.com/2014/10/12/grace/
john oconnell Jul 2010
Writing.

None of this
is important.

The poetry
of flesh-and-bone characters,
immunization from what is -

a comfort
in the recognition of ourselves
and realization
that we are not completely
alone
in our aloofness.
Barton D Smock Aug 2015
i.

the only nightmare my parents remember me having was immediately traced to my prolonged exposure to a select group of schoolchildren I’d bloodied for how they spoke to god.

ii.

the bus rides lasted long enough for me to cultivate the belief that no being is brought into the world.

iii.

drought’s teacher paddled me into reciting a prayer from a ghost town’s chalkboard.

iv.

father protected me by saying there’s a word for how you feel.  he was a writer because asemic writing had yet to occur in the randomly evil.  abuse was a star.
(alternately titled one me silly more till manufactured
from go win addle American
non refundable private parts)

each set of twenty three chromosomes
the basic biological building blocks
of life came out ******
when second hand of analog clocks

barely and scarcely swept across dial,
wrought offspring appearance as a pier a docks
closely resembling a monkey perhaps...hmm...
maybe mother mated with a chimp
assimilating chromosomal flox
genetic combination brought about add hocks
viz bouncing baby boy skinny and fair game
as a pluperfect future target for jocks
when I took first gasp of air sputtered
like an old engine that knocks,

now just easing into ma deuce score
and xix year with hair reed locks
twittering, snorting, rattling nonetheless
became precious human dependent

with mat chew anti body mox
see for father and mother
to care despite expelling nox
shuss gas out derriere, which profuse flatulence
natural immunization
kept away infected kids with pox
nicknamed little buttock blaster
now sits in a comfy chair and rocks
reminiscing about boyhood and a pooch named Socs
who told time applying faux paws vox
like ­tum make sounds resembling tick tocks

Nowadays every potential mom and dad
disappointed unless offspring(s) feverish follow fad
decreeing qualified as gifted birth of lass or lad
go wing great lengths to **** and push
progeny until a genius to be had
rather tubby thankful and gratefully glad

regaling robust surprise packaged traits of yore
inheriting genetics descended
when early apes did de tour
terrestrial ****** earth anatomically complete store
reed awesomely astounding miracle from spore
sized fertilized **** (healthy
and sound baby boy or girl) hood roar
if lionized, which feline bellow mew might mean
change my dye ya pore
and pamper me sum more
gnome hatter wailing mama or papa ignore
thence nurturing baby pipes por favor
kinship knits omnipotent bond evermore
where tis instinctual to adore.
A Aug 2016
My body tenses when I'm around other people
I become a muddling mess when I have to do something against my instinct.
Is this what it's like to feel alive?

I can feel the pain of an immunization even when I'm not getting one,
If I try hard enough I can feel it go into my veins.
Is this what it's like to feel alive?

Why does it hurt so much.
Why alive feel
Despite being atheist,
with serpent teen eyes,
I would nonetheless bet
Eve fen number guys
named Adam, or gals noel lies
(christened) dollars to donuts
(Dunkin and/or otherwise)
Jesus would be mighty pleased
to know, his sir name
linkedin with commercial ties,

no matter, he might not garner rise
zen percentage of profits, no matter spies
infiltrate competition especially if he
unwittingly gets trampled and cries
amidst chaos (think euthanize)
untimely death by madding wise
flash mob crowd source realize
last seconds rushing to snap up
latest jamb door prize
as venders resort to all

manner of (subliminally
manipulative) marketing techniques
to lure patrons, (especially
photo opportunities with
one of the many
"FAKE" donned Santa

Claus), the latter,
who would lionize
their son(s) and/or apprise
daughter(s), subsequently
guaranteeing, nailing crosswise,
and clinching safeguards exercise
immunization against the Grinch
sure fire way to manure er... fertilize

guarantee future generations rise
zing will become avid consumers,
who reverently, obsequiously,
and devoutly idolize
supporting the apostles who revolutionize
creative commercialization to capitalize
nearly every Cyber Monday
occasion to finalize
(all sales) pennies on the dollar,
where merchants feign

going for broke, and capitalize
eulogize, and idealize
the mighty buck staging "FAKE"
news worthy shoppers to burst into tears
crying on command,
and all manner of pathos
pulling ploys nsync king
"shameful guilt" that squares
with being ostracized,
hash-tagged, and demonized Scrooge.
Alias indomitable invincible
Donald John Trump oozes wrath
inexorably plunging every species
of life toward apocalyptic warpath
mercilessly threatentens world
wide web promising bloodbath

validating ex post facto commander
in chief as nonpareil sociopath
hence... this call to arms gives run
for money challenging any psychopath
lest inevitable according to dead
reckoning prediction of
wisest sages calculated math.

Thus one poetic footsoldier doth broadcast
dire straits emergency, and inveigh
grassroots action mandatory meaning
registered voters must
cast ballot per se
else planet Earth will...
burn thermonuclear gray

rendering oblate spheroid
uninhabitable, I daresay
if bleak forecast father time doth delay
global warming would outweigh
former worst case nihilistic scenario,
nonetheless Gaia will serve

as repurposed ashtray,
whereby inextinguishable fiery storms
approximating calculus of doomsday
nsync with intolerable weather forecasts
if complacency rides roughshod field day
defying lack of immunization oy vey
against opportunistic unfamiliar organisms

viral and bacterial agent provocateurs
microscopic gangbusters
nothing could allay
winning scrimmage play
thinning overpopulation whereby
scavengers make short shrift
plethora once living flotsam and jetsam
perhaps requiring rotting, putrefying,
goods put on layaway

(type of foragers -
reference https://www.google.com/search?
client=safari&channel=macbm&ei=
KECaXe
UA6SO5wLh-7gY&q=list+
examples+of+scavengers&oq=list+types+
of+scavengers&gs_l=psy-ab.1.0.0i22i30.
58737.70074..70997...0.4..0.223.1875.
21­j2j1......0....1..gws-wiz.......
0i71j0i273j0j0i131j0i67j33i22i29­i30.
wnDI0kLrKWM).

now ye might hashtag me chicken little
synonymous to Rome burning,
while Nero did fiddle,
perhaps scaremonger i.e. Cassandra
alamist bah bing away, a realist foaming
at figurative mouth with spittle,
would you believe cautious optimist,
who presents prediction,
while this poem heed whittle.
You were only twelve when I first met you through your mom
a special star in the sky that shone always brighter then the sun
You had the rare ability Alison of seeing auras around each soul
and when you spoke about it, your eyes pinned me like dark coal

Then you visited Quebec City and you came down with a disease
a rare one, with only 7 in the world, no drugs could fast appease
Intestinal lymphangiectasia, as rare as it was , you fought it still
at the Sick Kids Hospital, they placed a tube and fed you at will

You raised money for others like you, and doctors were baffled
by the sheer stamina of you, we had a banquet and tickets raffled
You wore a lavender gown and you gave a speech that made us cry
at the age of eighteen you died, and never questioned God's why

Your mom, my best friend, got a coach with horses of white rhodium  
and at your funeral  the congregation of angels were your symposium
I never cried so much as I did that day, when you left behind Caroline
a sister who loved you more then anyone else, but it was your time

Alison my dear may you rest in peace, and may the wayward dove bring
your memory to the caves of Al, where children children bravely sing
God speed my love, may you arrive to the summit of your realization
that the auras you saw were a reflection of your Angel immunization .

— The End —