You don't know what your doing
    I don't know what your doing
I love you, but your changing
     We no longer see eye to eye
Your thoughts are foggy and unclear
     Please bring back the one I know
I'm not willing to accept a new you
     Alcohol isn't the way to go
It's turning you into a forbidden monster
    If I could I would let you go
But I can't....because your my family

Pain is such a genuine feeling.
what I'm feeling right now, isn't exactly pain but merely the absence of. I understand that my flesh has nerves all over and that is part of whats keeping me going . Life seems a lot foggier and I am walking into the dark. Feeling what I can understand, searching for the braille letters and hoping I find a coherent sentence

He slept in that bed
long before I came into
the picture
navy blue sheets
golden brown bedposts.
I could always run my fingers
along the wall that connected us at night
his steady breath a steady
reminder
that all was well,
all was normal.


He came home from school
my parents around the dining table
shifting weight, waiting.
A letter with letters, words
of navy blue and shining gold.
Congratulations we are pr…


Smiling, embracing
          mind racing
We still had precious months…
Until liftoff.


Gazing at the bed
tired eyes
foggy with 3 am,
now foggier with tears.
His steady breath
a comforting metronome
lulled me to rest on the cool
hardwood floor
The room was warm,
full, occupied
with steady breaths,
cardboard boxes and love.


The car flew away before I could put my shoes on.
through the dust
“I couldn’t see the permanence.”
I waved
I waved until my arm burned hot
enough to evaporate the falling water from my eyes.
“If I closed my eyes
I wouldn’t see him go.”

Gazing at the bed.
tired eyes.
foggy with 4 pm
now foggier with emptiness.
He left a dent in the mattress
a comforting mold
I tried to fit
Tried to fill the space left behind.
The room was gusty,
empty, vacant,
with distant breaths,
dust and new negative space.

He slept in that bed
long before I came into
the picture
navy blue sheets
golden brown bedposts.
I could always run my fingers
along the wall that connected us at night.

The wall has swelled, hallowed.
I still trace it
listening,
waiting
for the void to narrow.

milky white eyes pupils searching
every time I step over you
long frayed coat
big ears like the puppy
and the black one that greets me
after passing through back roads

I spent summers with you
when you used to sprint
before your hind legs started to drag
before your mouth and tongue
started to sag

you sleep all day, taking your pills
‘crotchety old lady’
who doesn’t die

you’re a memory now,
who eats six pills before dinner
you’re here so we can all look into your eyes
like crystal *****, foggier with each evening

I hope you’re dreaming when you pass
that you don’t take for granted the last few months

old shepherd,
so hard to let go

Rain rain go away
i'm tired of all the grey
its cold its dark
and i feel so far away
im in a place where the sun doesnt shine
And the breeze doesnt blow
and the warmth doesnt flow
I try to escape but I feel its too late
what else is there to say
everyday I get farther
and my mind foggier
and my heart emptier
and i think to myself that it could all change
maybe eventually one day
thats all
I said all I have to say

This Beautiful Boy
And my heart hops in my chest as he breezes by me
The air seems warmer and my mind foggier,
Like the hot, humid day waiting outside the doors of the air-conditioned gym
He stands only a mere few feet away and his gaze circles the room
I can’t help but laugh at his bored expression as he sits in a ray of light coming from the window
He’s an angel with a halo around his head and white wings anchored into the space between his shoulder blades
My stare makes the ends of his light brown hair catch fire, cut short from when it brushed across his shoulders only a few months ago, the tip of a brush splattering paint on the back of his neck
His shoulders that spread out wide against the confinements of his shirt, scorching heat tears open small holes and burn his skin red
His legs, tufts of blonde that are almost invisible, catch my eye in the light, disintegrating into the air, and the soft skin of his knees blister and pop
As they move toward his chest, the colors of people around him twist and blur into nothing
Until it's just him and the light blue shorts sliding up his pale thighs
His whole body is on fire
His pretty thighs melting, his pretty thighs burning,
his pretty thighs his pretty thighs his pretty thighs
Bright images flash behind my eyes and my mouth goes dry
Please don't glance back at me,
I won't be able to look away

When I was seven
I wanted to be eight
And when I was nine
I wanted  to be eleven
Then,
after that
I just wanted to be eighteen.
All this time wishing I was older
But now I am older,
I just want to be younger
And view the world from a more foggier lens,
once more.
Not know to question
oh all these decisions!
In desperation,
I search to no clear avail.
I just want more time,
but I feel time is growing faster than I

Hearts pounding in my chest
Feel like somebody is squeezing it with all their strengths
Breathes get deeper
Brains getting foggier
Hearts getting closer
To break
I need you now
I am beginning to shake
Please don't leave me
Hold me tight
More than you ever did before
Not my dreams
But in real life
I do not know how much my heart can take
All it does these days is ache
Being close to you will make my heart stop
But being far makes it drop

it's hard not to get a little bit nostalgic
when the clouds pour a little harder outside
and the sky looks foggier than usual
when the possibilities seem like they could fall through your fingertips
because in this moment
the world is on pause
while the roads overflow,
the wind howls hard enough to turn umbrellas inside out
and all you can do
is wrap yourself beneath the covers
dim the lights
and think of the many things you should be doing
that were put on hold
to make room for other, more sentimental activities
like daydreaming-
letting your mind wander around fields
with sunny skies and morning breezes
and think of arms
that should be wrapped around you
while you curl up into a cocoon
hoping they never let you go
i think this break
is what we all needed
this warp in time
this still frame of many
this calm during the storm

Looking at the rain
I saw the clouds a little foggier
Must have been my glasses

I must've been faster
than a speeding bullet

more powerful
than a locomotive

and able to run between
the drops of rain

it gets farther away
with time

the life I narrowly
dodged

and with my memory
much foggier

then it used to be
all I can recollect

are the strips
of paint

dangling from the ceiling
like swords

Whit Howland © 2020

when i talk
no one listens
but when i cry
everyone has an opinion

i told you why i was angry
i made it clear that i was lonely
where is everyone at now that i have spoken
you are all the reason why i was left broken

do not act like you are confused
after you spent your time smiling while i was abused
i never saw you wonder
when i asked, "won't somebody turn down the thunder"

i have been trying to be transparent
how many more metaphors can i make coherent
the more i explain the foggier it gets
might as well ask me to rip out my chest

i will explain it for deaf ears one more time
someone committed a crime
squeezed lime in my eyes
now i cannot remember who was the one telling me lies