I forgot what i was going to write  you
I know it was important
It had something to do with life
Or was it death

I'm not a word man anyway
I spent my lot
It's gone

It used to be like an eternal fountain
The gifts just kept on coming
I was a zeitgeist monsoon
A freak outbreak of the
had to do's

There was was never a question of asking
if
Or
when
It would come

It was just

the

Viscera

Of

Life

My askim
My love
My soul
Lost
This is all I have
It still stings like the day I lost her
Forever lost
Once was Askim.

Askim

I don’t mean to bother you. I just needed to let out some emotions.
I spent this week in your city, and it weighs on me. Just a few weeks ago, I was back in the city we met. And you were in my deepest thoughts. And it’s been a challenge. I’ve been up and down.

I still see you everywhere.

Walking the streets of your city is one of the more nerve wracking and anxiety producing things I’ve done for a while.

I was having lunch this week with your recently departed colleague, who spoke of you, for what seemed like an eternity. All I could do was just breathe in deeply and exhale slowly… while trying to keep my composure. Oh… and… he was pretty happy to get a break from your boss!

I wore your socks and scarf today. Wearing your scarf has an intensity that I can’t quite describe. 2/3 comforting and 1/3 torture. It’s a rather sadistic experience.

Askim, I’m a little perplexed by your enthusiasm to video chat and send gifts, followed by a rather cold semi-silence. We’re all human and it’s not like I haven’t had my moments too! but that messed me around a little.

It’s cool. You can be whoever you want, but it definitely was an unexpected ride.

I didn’t think I was going to write for a long time yet… but it all just bubbled up inside me tonight, right when I was watching GA, funnily enough.

I miss you, Askim.

I haven’t lost the dream…

Work is pretty ******* right now too actually. There’s about to be a blood bath. I’m pretty sure I’m safe, but it’s about to get ugly.

So yeah, the past month has been splendid and smooth.

Anyway, that’s my update.
Don’t worry, I won’t make this a habit. I just had to let the emotions out tonight.

Take care, Askim **

I miss you so much Askim…

I miss your friendship most of all. I miss my Ikizim. Are we really going to go through the rest of our lives without our Ikizim? Really baby?

I know we can’t talk… I know he wouldn’t allow it. It’s pretty ****** tbh… but I respect that. **** me, I’ve caused enough tears for one lifetime. For that, I apologise.
The last thing I’ll ever do is complicate your life again. I’m just sitting here silently. This is my only outlet. So please forgive me for writing. Not that you read it anyway.

I never expected to meet Ikizim. It’s just not possible to unforget. I just can’t unforget you.

Ikizim **

Barely a day goes by where I don’t think about you, Askim
Some days I’m at peace with our distance
But often, it overcomes me and I find myself whispering to myself “I miss you, Askim”
Sending my melancholy into the wind

You’re on my mind tonight and I don’t want to let you go
Please forgive my indulgence of writing this to the universe and upsetting your energy

I still dream of us… as foolish as that may be

Sometimes Askim, I struggle with your words
They’re distant, entirely pleasant and friendly
You’re there, but you’re not there

I understand. You can’t say hello and risk another goodbye. I get it…

I just miss you, Askim **

Hey Askim I can’t sleep… Maybe it’s the blood moon lunar eclipse. I’m restless tonight.  My heart is restless.  I miss you.

I’ve resisted the urge to write to you… mainly because we both needed to find our feet again, and partly because it’s not fair that you get these notes and I get nothing :/

But that’s life eh. I ****** up and here we are…


There’s a few things I wanted to say after our chat.
When I said we moved offices and weren’t in your building, I got my cities confused. (I hadn’t slept much either). I have no idea where our offices are in your city. I’ve never been there and I don’t plan on visiting them. I just wanted to clear that up.

I forgot to share that I wore the scarf you knitted me for the first time a few months ago :) and then again last week. It’s so warm and it feels like a comforting hug around my neck.  It’s one of my most cherished possessions. That and my teapot.

I still use the kettlebell gloves you gave me. Every week. I used to put them on and feel anger as I worked out. The anger is gone Askim. I can’t thank you enough for sharing that time with me a few weeks ago.

Do you remember the wild poppies in my garden. Tiny little red poppies. I collected the seeds and sprinkled them around the neighbourhood. The streets around my home now have them every November. I’m going to keep collecting the seeds and spreading them. The flower of remembrance… my silent tribute to our, now distant, love.  

I still have a few succulents from our time and a single white orchid. I left so many of them to die, unfortunately, when I was in a very dark place. There’s so much I didn’t share about my dark days… But I look after the plants now. I hope to share them with you again one day…

My teapot is back on my desk.

I know you’re back on your feet. Going about your day. I miss you.

I don’t know what will become of this library of love and pain. I can’t use it to write love notes into the black void. And I’m not asking you to come back. You need to respect the life you live. I respect the life you live.

This place is therapy for me… but I don’t know what its future holds. I don’t know what it will become for me, apart from somewhere to empty my heart when it all gets too much.
Is it unfair on you that you have no right of reply… is it unfair on me that I receive no reply? I don’t know Askim. It’s just how life worked out…

As I finish this letter, the eclipse has passed. The blood red moon, washed by the sun, she is radiating a pure innocent white again.

Missing you tonight…

I had the hope of seeing you this week… in my heart I wanted to see you. But I knew you wouldn’t be there. And when I arrived there, I couldn’t feel you.
I knew you weren’t there.
The place felt empty. It felt like I didn’t have a purpose there.
I still looked for you… in every new face, there was a little flicker of hope that maybe it was you. Followed by a stab of disappointment…

I was in the city where we met in recently. Boy did that **** with my head. I was walking the street alone…drunk and high… just walking inside my feelings, when I saw you. I swear. I walked past this girl and there was no doubt in my mind it was you. None.
I lost the ability to breathe… half doubled over I spun around and circled back, in shock and disbelief. Approaching the girl, wide eyed… it clearly wasn’t you…
I’ve never been so relieved and upset at the same time. Yes, that’s a weird feeling.
I staggered back down the street. Shaking my head in disbelief… I saw you Askim. I saw you. It was beautiful. A few seconds with my Ikizim.
I had a thought today. What if I’ve seen you for the last time… what if… that’s it. What if we never feel each others vibration again.
what if…

My love, I miss you.

I wrote to you last night. At midnight. Poured my heart out, and deleted it. It wouldn’t have done you any good.

I wanted to write to you, to let you know I’m missing you. And I still love you, Askim.

You came to me in my dreams a few nights ago… it was so lovely to see you again. But it’s left me fragile.

You’ve been on my mind for days now.

I just wanted to put this out into the universe for you. It’s all I can do.

**

You’d be proud of me Askim
I’ve achieved so much
I’m driven by the pain
**** it burns inside me
I want you to be proud
Despite my anger
I guess you’ll never know now
So what does it matter

I understand what you needed to do
It’s how you did it that ripped my heart out

I always supported you
I was always there for you

You turned your back on me
Cut me off
Cut me down
Like I was nothing

I’ve never hurt like that
It took me to the brink of life

That pain is still with me after all these years
A dull throbbing deep in my heart
An eternal sadness
Once was Askim
No more

My dearest Askim,

Consider this a line in the sand on a sunny beach.

I felt the need to leave something positive here for you. That’s why I’m writing today. To break the cycle of hurt and pain. Love shines from today. Even with tears running down my cheeks on the plane.

The past is the past. Today I finally let it go. Let it be what it was. We can’t change it now. I truly hope today helped you too…  

What we can do is be our best. Live our best lives. I won’t rehash everything I said to you today, you heard it. I have nothing but love for you. And I will protect you until the day I die. That is something I will commit to for just a very few people on this earth. But I do so, unreservedly for you. Always.

It still doesn’t mean I won’t miss you every day I’m alive…

The main thing I wanted to say was thank you for giving me the gift of 90 minutes with you. I shall cherish that time more than you know. You set me free today. I can’t thank you enough.

I’m wishing you a big sleep after the disruption I brought to you. I’m wishing you peace and happiness.

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know, that every time I don’t,
I almost do…

Sweet dreams Askim.
Seni seviyorum **

Askim,

I came and I left. I missed you. Gosh how I missed you. I don’t feel like I’m even allowed to admit it. I surely don’t feel like I can email this to you. I missed you.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt a tear roll down my cheek. Let alone many.
It’s been a big week. I kicked ***.
I miss you.
I sorry. I’m supposed to be stronger.
I just have a lot of emotion to release and it’s all coming out tonight.
Maybe I should I delete this. I don’t even know.
I feel like we’re more lost than we’ve ever been. But maybe that’s just me. I feel quite lost at the moment. Generally.
I’m not sending this so you can save me. I’m just burning up on the inside and I need to let it out.  I’m sorry.
I wish I was stronger.

Askim, if that’s who you are, you can breathe again now, I’ve left…  I’m on a plane to another city, another hotel, another restaurant and crew of people.

Anyway, I’m gone.

I don’t regret messaging you for a cup of tea. I was surprised to hear from you actually. Seems you’ve moved on from ghosting me to just a cold NO. Quite the upgrade really.

Do you really expect me to believe we don’t have anything to talk about… what a load of *******. You might have well just said, *******.
There’s nothing like speaking to your Ikizim like a business transaction. I didn’t hear a shred of emotion in your voice. I forgot how cold you can be. But I guess, that’s what you’re so good at. Compartmentalisation. Put me in a dark box and leave me there. That’s where I live…

You can breathe again. I’m gone. I won’t pull that stunt again… maybe once a decade. Maybe not.

I just thought maybe you’d like to see me :/

Guess not. Sorry askim…

Sorry for disturbing your life. Won’t happen again boss…

I miss you Askim

I miss talking to you…
I miss making love…
I miss having a friend who knows me inside out…
I miss cups of tea together…
I miss caring about you…
I miss ironing your shirts in the morning and helping you roll up your sleeves…
I miss kissing you…
I miss my friend and lover…

I miss you so much babe :/

I can’t quite wrap my head around that we’re not going to talk again. It just doesn’t feel right. So like… that’s it babe?

Will I ever hug you again?
Will I ever make love to you again?

I’m thinking probably not… but I refuse to let go. Even if you have :/

I should sleep. Gotta check out of the hotel and fly home one last time this year.
I wish I could swing past for a hug on the way :(

I saw you in my dream a few nights ago
I hadn’t seen you in years…
I cherished it askim

Miss you x

You’d be proud of me Askim.
I know it didn’t turn out how you wanted.
Work **** well saved me from destruction. From myself.
And I’ve been crushing it.
I may still get crushed, but **** me, I’ll die trying.
What else is there now that you’re gone forever?
There’s just an empty black hole. And a fire that burns me alive.

You saved yourself
Did what you had to do
I took advantage of you

Hold your head high
You took care of it
Nothing to see here
Just a train wreck

Long gone
No longer smouldering
Just a dull throbbing
An eternal sadness
Once Was Askim.

Oh Askim. Here’s to me missing you from a hotel room on the other side of the world. You should see the city lights. They’re beautiful, but I’d trade them for a log cabin and a big garden with you…

Miss you **

(Found this in my drafts…)

:/ askim

It’s hard isn’t it?

There are emotions bubbling up from the inside of my heart that I’d buried for years

I had a rough week, I’m guessing you did too…

I wanted to write to you every night this week, but I didn’t because it’s already difficult enough without me falling down that slippery *****. So consider this a stop gap. I needed to get some words out to release the pressure in my heart.

I don’t know how you keep it all bundled up inside. But I guess you didn’t let it bubble up to the surface last week, so it’s more manageable.

My Askim

I haven’t written for a while. Been busy flying by the seat of my pants.
Some days I’m killing it. Other days it’s hard to breathe, let alone talk.
I hide it fine, but it takes its toll. I guess.

I think a hug would really fix a lot. But I already failed at that one once.

So this is how it stays? I just live broken?

When I think about you, it feels like a black hole inside my heart.

Will I die broken too?

I’m like a ******* broken record. Aren’t I?
I still miss you…
You’re the only other human who actually got me.
I miss our connection. I miss our friendship.

I have so much I want to share with you Askim.

It’s so cruel to just extinguish us.

It’s so cruel