I walk by all the places where our memories were created,
I still dream of our last kiss and that memory leaves me haunted,
Even though my friends tell me you ask about me all the time,
I still cry myself to sleep thinking about you and your eyes.

I always wish you were beside me telling me, its going to be alright
Because his touch doesn't make my skin feel alight.
I go to sleep beside him when I really want to be with you.
The words you wrote me still play in a loop inside my head,
The I Love You's you wrote are embedded in my brain

Sometimes I start to wonder if I made the right choice
I know what we had can never be a lie.

But I'm not fine at all

I remember the day I told you I was leaving,
I remember the tears pooling in your eyes,
When I walked away, you told me
"You promised you wouldn't run away"

I wish I could turn back time,
To work through all these stupid little things
I know that I don't want to forget you,
And all the happiness that you always bring.
Like the way our bodies fit perfectly,
And the memories I can never forget.

I'm not fine at all

The pictures that we took are still living on my wall...
I admit that I look at them every night before I bawl.
And all my friends keep asking why you're not around

Although it hurts to know you're happy with her and not me,
I still smile every time I see you laugh,
And I smile when you drum.
It's hard to be happy when I know that you've moved on

I wish I could tell you that I am never fine,
And that I haven't been since that night.

I'm really not fine at all.

I really wish this was a dream,
So when I wake up you'll be right next to me.
Hopefully this is just a dream ,
When I wake up I'll feel your hands wrapped around me.

I just wanted to say thank you.

Today I walked into Barnes and Noble to buy my summer reading book which just so happens to be super thick and its boring (**** me now!) Anyways, while we're there, out of curiosity, I asked if they had any John Green books (because everywhere else, they're either sold out or on hold) and they did. The lady brought me to a table. A few of my friends had recommended his works. Scanning the table of books, unsure of what to chose, a guy walks up to me. He looks about my age, maybe a year or so older. He's pretty cute, which is quite the pleasant surprise because usually guys don't talk to me. He says, pointing to The Fault in Our Stars, "I couldn't help but kind of overhear you talking, but I read this and it was amazing." He points at Looking for Alaska. "My girlfriend read this... said it was pretty good." So I say thanks and something awkward like 'I'll have to check it out,' and get The Fault in Our Stars. This small gesture has restored my hope in our generation. The guys in my school are mostly arrogant airheads with no taste in music, in my opinion, anyway. In addition to this experience with a stranger, today, while at a shopping center, I saw a girl wearing a 5 Seconds of Summer shirt, as I had mine on, too. I complimented her and she smiled and said, "Thanks, you too." This small gesture has also restored my hope in our generation. Today I learned that not everyone ***** and that makes me really happy. I guess that if you put yourself out there, ever so slightly, in the right places, you might learn things or make new friends.  What if I'd talked to the girl about 5SOS? Or asked the guy about other books he's read? There are so many opportunities every single day to improve the quality of our lives and we pass them up, because they're things that are thought of as small, but can have huge impacts. I believe that if each and everyone of us tried, just a little bit, to talk to  strangers, the world would be a better place. Not everyone wants to hurt you. I'm not saying to invite some random person  into your house, but to talk to people with common interests, or compliment someone on their shirt. Little things like that, as they did to me, can make someone's day. I walk to my mom with a pile of books. She turns to me and says, "Since when did cute boys talk to you at bookstores?"

In honor of today I am playing this song (Independence Day-5 Seconds Of Summer) on repeat. At this exact time last year what I thought was the worst thing ever was in all reality the best Christmas gift God could have ever given me. What was the gift? I got my heart broken. Little did I know that through this heartbreak I would learn the following things:

1.) That guy wasn’t the one.
2.) I wasn’t going to get anywhere in life with that guy.
3.) I was only with him because the idea of loneliness terrified me.
4.) My poetry was turning to **** because I was neglecting it.
5.) I had unresolved issues that needed to be dealt with.
6.) I needed a huge reality check.
7.) I needed to clean up my social life.
8.) I needed to face everything that was causing me to be depressed therefore holding me back.
9.) I needed to find myself, embrace myself, love myself and
10.) I learned that I don’t need a man to tell me I'm beautiful or make me feel beautiful or awesome because who I am as a person is enough and if no guy can see that then that is his loss.

I didn’t just get dumped, or tossed to the side, I was pushed off a pedestal I had no business being on. I thought that if I had a boyfriend that life would be great and I would be happy with a simple kiss. I needed to be happy just being me. I needed to learn that what I think of myself matters, how I feel matters and being myself 110% even though everyone else around me might be trying to get me to be something else and to be comfortable in my skin is what is important. No kiss, no compliment, no boyfriend or guy can make me feel good about me only I can feel good about me. So this year I cleaned up everything. I dropped a lot of people who truly weren’t my friends. I had a friend from Wisconsin come visit me and she helped remind me of the person that I used to be and that who I used to be might have some influence on who I am today but I’m way different compared to the girl I was 2, 3 or 7 years ago. I’m not a girl anymore. I’m a woman. I’m a 22 year old woman who is finally living life for the very first time without insecurities and fear of what others think of her. 2014 was all about facing challenges and coming to terms with who I truly am. It was rough. I went through so many emotions that put me through a long rollercoaster but now I’m able to walk with confidence and not in a cocky way but a comfortable way. I faced all of my demons. Some scary some not so scary. I’m ending this year celebrating another gift from god this holiday season. I got courage, I got hope, I got strength, and those are things you can’t get in a box tied in a bow waiting under a Christmas Tree. 2015 is on it’s way and I’m looking forward to taking everything I learned in 2014 and applying it to the new challenges I’ll face all the while making memories that will one day be bedtime stories for when I have kids.

With that said, only fans of 5SOS will know what I’m celebrating this year. Here’s to Independence Day. Whether it’s freedom from an addiction, a toxic friendship, an unhealthy relationship, ect. Here’s to never looking back and moving on to better things. Stay cool, stay confident, stay awesome. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and even though it isn’t summer, Happy independence Day <3

With all my love,

Mandie Michelle Sanders <3

it was dreadful
terrible.
     almost exhilarating even.
                  you look so downtrodden
   wet.
         offshore.
                   pitiful.
                             how does it feel
to be so far pressed face down?
               teardrops dragging down your
     hair pulling down
            your head.
                             when did you get
        so drenched?
                   so stupid
enough
                to cry for him?
    seeing that
              it is the only thing
  you seem useful for
                                   for him.
           if you want to be his toy—
                         sorry.
you're already a broken one.
                                        soaked in
                beer
and
            tequila
       and
                     ***
                                  and
               diet coke
                         and
                                        puke
        for perfume
                    and yet you smell
more like
                               instant noodles
             and glass shards
on your wrist
                          with your back
       on the same wall as yesterday
       the same wall as the day before that
       the same wall as the day even before
       the same wall that watched you cry
earlier today
             yesterday
                        last week
                               the week before that
       and the day he left you
                 this time
and that one time last month
          and that time during valentines
               and another just after new year's.
i bet even the wall is so ****
      sick of
                  watching you cry for him.
   but i never will.
             'i'm sorry but'
                        'i will always be'
       'here for you'
                   i whisper as if you
     really could hear me speak.
            as if you ever did listen.
               'thanks for being a good friend'
you spoke almost inaudibly
         as if you really replied
                        hearing your
     phone suddenly
              rings to the sound of
         your favorite song
   heartbreak girl by 5sos
                     and you so easily understood.
       between your only two contacts
               me and him
of course you'd run towards him
            the moment he calls
    leaving me behind.
                       i get it.
         it's just a little sad
i didn't get to tell you
                 to call me
       the next time he breaks your heart...
   after all,
                 you exist to make him happy
and i exist only to see you cry.