She was the night that filled the sky with her darkness, and he was the moon that stood out because of that darkness.

Don’t judge my ash filled lungs
Or my veins filled with whiskey
When I only use them
To fill the void you left

Dear future self,
Someday I’ll meet you
When I look into a mirror,
And you’ll know it’s me.
Remember me?
That silly ingenue who
Didn’t understand
The ways of life.
Dear future self,
Please don’t hate me
Twenty years from now.
Sincerely yours,
The past

i know who i am.
i know i'm boring and i'm not the brighest star in the sky.
you said you loved me and you said you cared.
that was until you found someone shinier and a correlating personality.
i know who i am.
i know i shouldn't, and i don't, expect you to stay by my side even when i want to draw blood.
but there was a part of me, a huge part of me,
that wanted you to stay.
that part of me felt like you're my soulmate.
so here i am,
i will love you from the backseat.

you're not coming back,
are you?
there are times where i'm laying in bed and for a moment,
a split second of time,
where i forget that you ever left the earth.
but then it hits me again.
That day and Those messages and Those headlines and all of Those horrible emotions
and i remember.
you're not coming back,
are you?
for there are no words or actions i could do to make you walk the earth again.
for i won't be able to hear your voice or see your chocolate brown eyes for a long, long time.

i don't feel loved.
right now.
my heart has closed their doors to any emotion other than self hate and every horrible possibility that ends with everyone leaving me again.
i've sat alone and been alone.
i don't want that again.
but right now,
my heart doesn't feel Love.
i can feel it shrinking and hear it weeping.
i wish i could feel love.

there are starting to be more times where i want to disappear.
abandon all these materials and leave.
i want to be by the ocean,
i think feeling her waves wet my feet and the sand beneath them will cure everything.
the moon talks to me at night and if i'm lucky,
i'll see him during the day as the skies begin to look like an artist's palette.
he tells me, "it's okay. we'll see each other again. just not now.".
and my heart breaks when i close my eyes to rest and i don't know why.

moon,

i know what you're thinking all the time and please slow down.
the world feels like it's crashing and i don't know what to tell you except that this will pass too.
i want to tell you to just think of the smell of mom,
those random saturday mornings where you'd wake up to breakfast with your family.
but i can't because i know that thaf won't make your heart full.
and i'm sorry.
for i know i contribute to these bad thoughts.
we will be okay.
i don't know that for sure.
and i know you think or know that this, you, ends in death and maybe it will but
it's okay even if that's the case.
slow down, breathe.

sincerely,

me