i want someone to notice the way i laugh at the wrong parts of movies
and know what weird thought i had about the scene
to hold my hand and kiss my dimple and write about how witty i am
we can joke about it every time we rewatch it

i want someone to read to me under a fading sky in the wintertime
as our breath curls around our throats and it's hard to keep their voice steady
but the words are pretty, and so are their fingers as they wrap around my hair
sylvia plath for the darker days,
robert frost when the sun starts peeking through

i want someone who will dye my hair in shades of pink and green
our noses curling at the scent of the overwhelming bleach
laughing hysterically as we get high on the fumes and try to be quiet when we hear my mom's footsteps outside the bathroom
i'll cut their bangs choppy to match

i want someone who will sing duets with me to a blown out car stereo
as we drive aimlessly through the nights of this ghost-town-to-be
i'll steal the aux cord more than once, and mess with the windows like a kid
but they'll tolerate it because they like the wind
almost as much as they like me

i want someone to dance with me in the rain like we're in a bad romance novel
and enjoy it anyway because it smells like promises (and i keep those)
we can waltz badly and laugh until it hurts to laugh, and then we'll just sway
i'll splash them with puddles and they'll splash back harder
and we can ditch our clothes and get hypothermia together

maybe one day i'll want them enough to have them

but for now i'll watch movies by myself and still laugh at all the wrong parts, knowing that i'm weirdly clever

i'll read poetry in my own voice under the grey sky cut open by leafless branches, because it's pretty

i'll dye my own hair and cut my own choppy bangs and i'll feel untouchable

i'll scream 'bohemian rhapsody' by myself driving down main street in the middle of the night

and i'll just wait for it to rain so i can catch in my mouth and pretend it was a kiss from the sky

the leaves fall in fall
is it really that simple?
they change color too

i used to think love was free
when you came to me
but then you had your fill
and aphrodite came back with the bill

step one.)
think. think of everything that people must hate about you.

step two.)
let it consume you until you forget to breathe

step three.)
drop microscopic hints to people that you're not okay

step four.)
breakdown when they don't get it

step five.)
make excuses for them

step six.)
fear that they do get it, but you just bother them so much that they don't care

step seven.)
stop talking

step eight.)
start overeating, or eating nothing (with practice, you may be able to do a combination of both)

step nine.)
watch tv until you fall asleep on the couch every night

step ten.)
don't shower

step eleven.)
go numb

step twelve.)
receive a notification on your phone that sends you spiraling into self loathing and wondering why the hell you did this in the first place because it doesn't make it better. it doesn't. it doesn't

step thirteen.)
feel selfish for even thinking about bothering anyone again just to satisfy your own stupid craving for attention

step fourteen.)
finally reach out

step fifteen.)
repeat steps one through fourteen. again and again and again.

step sixteen.)
die

i still wish you never showed me that song
because something so beautiful
shouldn't hurt me so much