I am addicted to these sleepless nights, the ones where heart and mind are in a state of perpetual flight.
Hooked on these panic attacks that have plagued me every second since the day you left.
I have track marks from the harsh drugs that are your words, the ones you inject into my veins when all you want is for me to feel pain...
...and I have nothing to say for myself other than
I am an addict.

My gaslights been on so much lately
dictating where I go.
Theres no escape from reality...
Theres never room to grow.

I found you heavy on my heart tonight.
Too sweet a girl for such a bitter night,
but life has a way of casting shadows to blind our sight
only to be greeted soon by dawns first light.

I found your pain weighing on my soul today.
Why must your heart be so very far away?
If I could, Id take it all away, and bless you only with smiles of
love and grace.

I found your heated tongue pressing on my mind as well.
Why must the ones we've loved put us through hell?
There is light!
There is peace!
and all will be well!

I found you heavy on my heart tonight.

All I want in this life is to be the hero you see in me... but I'm not, not even close. I wish so badly I could say that i was.
I wish I could say that I am more courageous than the coward inside of me.
I wish I was more than what people see, insecure, depressed, weak.
I wish I could stop running, and face down the beasts that torment me. Like a knight covered in blood, victorious from the feat, thats what I wish to be.
I am not brave, and I doubt I ever will be. But one day, son, I hope you know I'm fighting to be the Hero you see in me.

Show me the road to go home
where the joy is great and the love is vast.
show me the times spent living in the past
it was time wasted, i shouldve realized that.
Everything I will ever need
has always been right here in front of me.
Show me the path to travel
when im old and grey and about to unravel.
Give me love like never before
shower me with hugs and kisses from those i adore.
let me feel the sun beat down on my back
before its too late, and i cant look back.
show me the road to go home.

When I was younger and with you, you always had a tune stuck in your head. 
All day like a busy bee you would work and sing and play with me. 
And when evening came, out on the dock, it was no surprise the tune had not stopped. It seemed like all day, and all night you hummed that tune so sweet and bright and when the dawn did bring her light you woke with song not far behind.

Why am I breaking my back for this,
mistaking "good" days for progress?
Why am I killing myself for you,
when you couldnt care less?
Why do I choose all of this stress,
just to feel your breath on my neck...



          ...your skin on my skin...

              
                                         ...hear your voice in my head...

...your hand in my hand?

Why have I done this again and again?
Cant we just pretend this doesnt hurt and mend?
Why am I still running around like this,
acting like I still have something to prove?


                                           ?

I Love You.

I remember this time of year being so full of wonder, and magic.
Now its a chore to pull a **** tree out of the attic.
what happened to the blissful impatience of Christmas as child?
Where does the magic go after a while?
I still see it around me, kids exploding from joy.
The carols on the radio were such beautiful noise.
I no longer the feel magic coming from Bing Crosby's voice
I see all the girls and all the boys begging mom and dad for toys.
Family comes together, the weather gets wetter...
and all the magic has died.

I drink a lot
Different drinks for different reasons
Different times, and different seasons.
I like wine when I want to smile
whiskey when I wish to sleep
Gin for the times I wish to forget all the dark secrets I keep.
Some nights I want to die, that’s when tequila steps in
And beer when I want to be alone with my friends.
I drink a lot
Sometimes to no end.
I drink so that I have no money to spend.

I’ve been alone for quite sometime, why do I keep running back to you in my mind? I feel your touch upon my spine, your fingers interlock with mine. Why oh why am I imprisoned in this time, when loving you was my only crime?

Ill take care of you, if you let me, I can be all you'll ever need. Not because you need taking care of, but because we're a good team. Babygirl ill take care of you if you let me, Ill let you rest and gather your strength. you've been strong for so long, fought through battle and siege, but lil darlin Im here now, and its ok to take a knee. I know I'm not perfect, not by any means, but darlin dear, have no fear cause this will always ring true. Ill take care of you, if you need me to, this i promise you.

You broke the rules
The one about not leaving when we're upset, the one you NEVER let me break.
And not just in a small way, like when I would go walk around the block, you LEFT left. Took all that was ours, packed it up and left.
Our rules never applied to you anyways. You made them, therefore you could break them.

Tell me the words i long to hear
That you love me and wish I were near.
Tell me about your day
and how life is going your way.
Tell me everything inside of your head
be it good, bad, or existential dread.
Tell me your hopes, dreams, and everything in between.
Tell me...
                   .....Just.....
Tell me

My life is the sand in an hourglass
Slowly falling down into the bottomless abyss
Waiting for my time to break free of the imprisonment
Ive been forced into.
My life has been twisted and manipulated to the point
That I have been forced into submission
And I am no longer my own being but a
Creation formed from somebody elses mold
My life is a lie, a story that has been
Passed down from generation to generation without
Any hesitation at all and I once again start
To fall through the hourglass.

I met someone... well, not really ‘met’
But I’m talking to a girl that I met on one of those dating apps.
Everyday for the past week we’ve talked
And everyday my heart has smiled.
I think I might like her. I don’t know, it’s been a while.
I’ll probably mess it up anyhow.

I truly hope nobody else ever has to feel what I feel right now, and what I've been feeling for well over a year. I hope you never have to feel lonliness as vast as the night sky, I hope you never have to pretend that everything is alright when your entire world is cracking at the foundation, and your world is falling down around you. I hope that you find a way to fight the darkness, and if you do, can you share it with me.

Today was a hard day. I spent most of it thinking about what you left back here on earth and if you miss it a much as we, as much as I miss you.
It took most of all I had just to make it through today.
Sometimes, I have to say, that I still hope and pray that you'll come back to me even if its just a dream. I'd give almost anything to sit in your living room and talk about the future or go out and sit on the dock and just fish until the sun went down, but those were the good days.
Sometimes I think that it's not fair that God chose you to be by his side, other days I find that alright.
Most days though I wonder if you're proud of me and the choices I've made, some of them I know you wouldn't be but most the time I can see you sitting there telling me how proud you are of me, and that, my friend, is what keeps me going on hard days like today.

Tonight was about shower beer as I listened to "Careful now" by Copeland and contemplated my existence. Tonight I though about the distance between her and I caused by states and our minds.

Tonight I thought of Bukowski and how he said to "find what you love and let it **** you". What if I love too much, too many, too far? what if what I love is a burned out star? What if I can't reach that far? what then will my death be?

Tonight was about my son, as I couldn't grasp the years gone past (most of which I've missed). Will I be forgiven for my absence? Does he know why his Daddy is gone? what can he sense? How will I be able to present a reasonable excuse? Will he do better than I? or will he too walk away from me (like I did to my dad), as is justified?

Tonight I thought.... A lot.

You got me ****** up
How could this get so messed up in just one day?
Why is there so much pain?
Why do I want to stay?
Ive fallen for you in such a way!
Your beauty, your grace.
They say
"Lifes a ***** and then you die"
well, I never felt alive until I met you.
Now you're gone Ive no idea what to do,
I guess Ill have to lie in my grave
beneath the morning dew
and loath myself for losing you.
I guess it really came true
When I said I was scared
of ******* things up with you.
Look at the messes we make
out of things
that should have been
Great.

Be it ***** or prescription,
it seems Ill never beat this addiction
to chemically induced submission.
I want to feel something else than pain, and anger, and guilt.
I was once alive, but no longer do these eyes see the light,
only glimpses through this spiteful self plight.
I am am owned by something I wish to control.
I am a drone, on auto pilot, with no destination.
barely alive, hardly human...
No longer present.

Lately I’ve been feeling wild, vicious and violent.
The calls of my ancestors, the Vikings, have been screaming for me.
Lately I can drink without being drunk
I can fight without being hurt,
I long for a battle, in which I shall die a honorable death.
I feel the warrior within me begging to be free, and yet I hold him back as I’m stuck in limbo with no wars to fight.
Odin is near, I feel his breath on my back. I know soon I will have what I wish for. Maybe I’ll never come back