Missing lemon boy again

Turns out he’s not always so sour,
despite his shades.
I can still see his smile
I hope it never fades

With every passing hour
He crosses my mind
I wish I could see him
I miss feeling, intertwined

I wonder if he’s thinking of me?
or maybe
reading my poetry?

Looking into your eyes
I feel at home

You make me feel whole
When I lose myself

You give me a smile
Even on bad days

Thank you for being
My hide-away

Sometimes I hide away from my reality

I wander off into smoke filled rooms and fall into blue screens

I sleep under warm clouds that threaten to smother me

My cheeks flush

I live inside my made up world to escape what I cannot face

I lie in a bed of guilt and despair for days on end

Unable to move
Unable to feel

I lose myself in this suffocating realm
I lose all signs of life

Until I can barely breathe.






Sometimes I escape just for some air

But I found that oxygen runs through my heart, not the wind



I came back to hide again

But this time couldn’t stay

For my smoke filled rooms were full of toxic gas
And the blinding blue hurt my eyes

My clouds suddenly felt weighted
suffocating me in a sick warmth


I guess my hidden world wasn’t made for me
But for my younger self



Unable to comprehend their surroundings
Unable to process



Now I leave it behind and step into today




Breathing in the achingly beautiful

And learning how to feel.

I noticed I stopped being so judgmental

Maybe because I have become more human



                         and in doing so


          I have understood what being human is.


   I am flawed

                                               I make mistakes

      And

                                     I learn

                                                    
                       I improve

        I love

                                                              I hurt

                      And

    
                                  I try again.

I am never good enough for myself

Despite all my attempts

I fail to reach my ever high standards
That I only hold for myself

The cruel adjectives I use to describe myself while staring through the mirror

break my seven year old self’s heart

When did I stop loving her?

I know that we are different

Our personalities align

but when we walk down the street holding hands, it’s not me they’re staring at.

I wonder about the things my ancestors did that I cannot undo,
I’m afraid to know.

I wonder how yours suffered because of mine

So much hate runs in my family line

I cannot undo it, I cannot take away the fear you feel when it’s getting dark and we’re in a small town in Oklahoma.

I cannot feel what it’s like to be painfully observant of your surroundings, carefully watching those around just in case

I cannot take the burden off your shoulders that rests so heavily

But

I can hold your hand.

When they stare at you I will hold you tighter

When your eyes grow tired and your shoulders weary I can help you rest your head

When you feel distant and remember the things you don’t speak about, I will listen..

..to your words and your eyes, turning purple in the light as you look back into your self.

When you are unsure of yourself in a corporate world not made for you, I will take your hand in mine and encourage you to step forward

Even when you are alone I will stand with you and love you wholly

I cannot change what has been done
I cannot take away your burden
But I can help you bear it if you’d like
I’ll hold your hand so tight!!

I know I like to talk
But for you my sentence stops
For you I will listen to your mind, your heart, and your soul
I will hear what is said and what is unspoken
and I’ll take it all in, in silence
So I might hold your sorrows and feel your pain and laugh with you when you feel joy and cry when you cannot find tears.

I know that we are different

But I will always hold your hand