Dissociation:
noun
the disconnection or separation of something from something else or
the state of being disconnected.
CHEMISTRY
the splitting of a molecule into smaller molecules, atoms, or ions,
especially by a reversible process.
PSYCHIATRY
separation of normally related mental processes, resulting in one group functioning independently from the rest, leading in extreme cases to disorders such as multiple personality.

Dissociation is not trendy.
It’s not just depression or starring into space.
It’s so much more
It’s crawling away form reality and making
a home in your head.
Losing contact with your body.

Dissociation is not knowing who you are.
Dissociation is watching yourself in third person.
Dissociation is feeling so scared that you’d rather loose
yourself entirely then live in the present.

Dissociation is not always multiple personalities
but sometimes no personality.
It’s losing time.
It’s not recognizing those you love.

It’s having little to no memory of
anything that happened after the fifth grade.
its knowing faces but not exactly sure where
from.

It’s a defense mechanism.
It’s writing your name on the back of your hand to not
completely lose all of you.

It’s wearing a rubber band to snap yourself back
because you have taught yourself to know
when you are losing yourself

It’s getting help,
because you know in your very few
lucid moments that this is not normal.

This is for the three A.M writers,
The four A.M coffee drinkers,
because sleep isn’t useful at this point.
This is for the daughter that lost her mother
at age twelve and never stopped smiling.


This is for the boy that knows that the
closet will only be kind to him
for a little while longer
but can’t bring himself to leave quite yet,


I see you.


I see the smile fade for just a second,
the small tear run down your cheek.
I see how quickly you wipe it away,
scanning the room to make sure no one saw,
but I did.

This is for the social smokers,
and the casual drinkers and
the avid vapors that think that cotton candy
flavored juices won’t give you cancer…
I see you.


I see you post drag, look at the cigarette
like it's the first time one has ever been in your hand.
I see the moment you realize you want
your lungs to give out. I see you raise it back to your lips.


I see you sip from a coffee cup at a football game,
but oh don’t you wish it was coffee,
but instead coffee brandy burns your throat
as you try to forget all the bad things he did to you.


I see you.


I see you wince at the final sip, not only because
you took too much to swallow, but because
the pain made you realize what you have
let him turn you into.


This is for the class clowns.
The boy that tries so hard to make other
people laugh because he
can’t remember the last time
he actually smiled, and if he
can make other people happy for just a second,
one day maybe he’ll be happy too.


I see you.


I see you after landing the punchline,
analyzing the classroom,
and when the roar of laughter fades
so doe’s smile that never quite reached
your eyes.


This is for the the invisible.
The “unmemorable” face in the crowd.
The people in public with their face in a book,


I see you.


I see you watch quietly in the background.
Listening to everything around you,
never brave enough to speak up.


I see you.


This is for all of the people that at one point
in their life thought no one was watching.
That no one ever cared enough to see you.


I see you.

At least one time in your life
you're going to feel as if someone is pushing you under water.
You are gasping for that last breath
you know your not gonna get.
It's so cold.
It seems as if the surface is so close
yet you can't reach it.
You just sink further and further under.
It finally let's go just to be ****** in again,
this time you don't surface.
No matter how hard you try you just can't.
The feeling of emptiness sweeps over you as the
water seeps into your lungs.
You're now dying slowly
cold and solid yet broken beyond repair.
There is a gaping hole in your chest.
You're completely stuck you can't move on
and you can't stay where you are.
Pain, sorrow, hopeless, helpless,
cold and alone.
No one  knows or understands how you feel.
They will swear up and down they know,
but they don't.
Yes everyone deals with some sort of depression
but now one know's what you are going through
because they aren't you.
Because everyone's definition of hard is different,
because drowning feels the same and
the water is willing to welcome everyone
but no one deals with depression the same way

Rain falling as if it was in slow motion

Hitting my pale skin

I stop, and look at the clouds

Dark and mysterious

Just like his eyes

The eyes that always looked at me

never through

The eyes that watched me

The eyes I loved

and learned to watch

The eyes that were closed for all of eternity now

I longingly stared at the eye lids I would never

watch flutter open in the morning,

or ever again

I finally broke my stare and let my eyes

drift to his lips

Remembering how they felt against mine,

how they felt on my skin

I bent down and kissed his forehead letting

a single tear roll down cheek

I watched as it hit his face

I took my thumb and wiped it away as he had done

so many times for me.

Smudging the make-up that the Embalmer

undoubtedly spent hours on

making him look like he wasn't dead

I stared at his face taking it all in for

one last time

I broke my stare once again,

letting my eyes wonder down his chest

and landing on his hands.

Wishing that I could hold his hand one more time

The way his fingers laced between mine.

When I fell, his strong hands were always there to pick me back up.

His fingers forever locked together at his waist

As I stared into the casket for the last time...

I let it all go

He was gone, no need to pretend that I was O.K

for the first time in my life I had a reason that everyone

understood, to just cry

He found me, fixed me

Made me a  better person

He just had to leave me

I vowed to find him

and I did

that night that he was laid to rest

forever

six feet under

I don't expect you to understand,

I know you will never understand the

way it felt when you held me.

How it felt like all the pieces of myself were being

held together.

When you let go I shattered into pieces

on the cold floor called loneliness.

Waiting for the broom called society to sweep me up

into the dust pan called expectations and ultimately

chuck me into the waste basket called reality.

I don't expect you to understand why I needed you.

Why it hurt so bad that you didn't need me.

I don't expect you to understand anything that I have gonethrough

they are my struggles and my journeys.

You were just a bump along the way.

A bump that caused my suspension to recoil,

but a bump none the less.

You were my knight in shining armor.

My light at the end of the tunnel

or at least I thought so.

You shimmered like a shooting star.

I wished upon you in the darkest of nights.

When the thoughts clouded my head.

I felt like Dorothy clicking her heals

and getting her wish.

I felt like Cinderella slipping on her glass slipper,

and marrying her true love,

I felt like Snow white being woken

form an eternal sleep with a kiss.

It felt like a fairy tale.

Happily Ever After.

Until one day when I saw the look in your eyes

I knew.

My fairy tale was over.

Dorothy still in Oz.

Cinderella with a broken glass slipper.

Snow White with her heart cut out in a box.

Happily Never After.

As I sit her staring at the wall
thinking of things that destroy us all,
I think of you.
As I sit her pondering the possibilities
and dreaming of opportunities,
I think of you.
I think about how you made me feel.
Like nobody other than you could truly love me,
As I sit here trying to forget you,
the way your skin smelled.
They way things were before they went to ****.
Trying to forgive myself for giving you all the chances
I could physically and mentally handle,
I think of you.
Dreaming of a day when the idea of shaving my legs
scares me
because I can't trust myself not to cut again
Dreaming of a day when I can be alone and not
crumble under the weight of the memories.
Dreaming of the day I can go to sleep
without seeing you on top of me,
without smelling your breath.
Dreaming of escape.
I dream of you leaving
I dream of you staying.
I dream of walls, razors and things that destroy us all.
I dream of you.

You are my good days.
My full belly laughs.
You are my safety.
You are my cant eat, cant sleep, cant think.
My smile, reaching for my ears
the way you always reach for my hand.
However,
You are also my bad days.
My cry until I cant cry anymore.
You are my sore throat.
My frown lines etching themselves
into my face like they own her.
My contempt.
Oh how I soften when you pull me against you.
The beauty in your eyes.
Tender kiss landing on my skin.
I forget about the bad days.
After all before I met you,
I had so few
good days.

Dark roots and dark circles
dark store windows
dark rooms and dark thoughts
"Are you still watching"
stay inside you might survive
unless you cant

Have you ever tried so hard
to scrub someone off your skin?
Afraid of leaving a single finger print
somewhere on your body.

Knowing that in seven years
all the cells will be regenerated
and not a trace of their touch will be
left behind.
Not having the time to wait
because the ghost of their hand
on the small of your back
still haunts you.

The chills consuming your body.
Enveloping your skin.
The same old tears welling up in your eyes.
When someone so new and so kind,
places their hand on yours you flinch.

The layer of residue left from
the person that stole
your trust,
reacting with their
foreign fingerprints.
Your skin can no longer
recognize good intentions.