He didn’t cheat
But
Was it okay to still be with her?

After all the reassurance
“She's just a friend”
“I do not want anything with her”
Was that real?

Was it real when less then a week after everything
The breakup
The ***
Something still happened?

She
The one who I talked to
About the discomfort I felt every time she was around

She
The one who gave me reassurance
“Nothing is going to happen between us”

All the little respect I had for them
Vanished
Instantly

The disgust is stronger than any other emotion
And I just found that out

Wish the world ***** them both

“I deserve better”
“Find someone who wants and deserves me”
The sentences I’m sick of hearing
Inside of my own head

The thing is
I don’t want any other person
I just want this person to be better
For me
Is it too much to ask?

For the longest time I thought I was hard to love
When he appeared he showed me love
He showed me I was someone
I felt cared for

I got drained
Things did not work out
Until they did again
(Or so I thought)

What was once an obsession for him
Disappeared without a two weeks notice
Drier answers with long deliveries
Always tired for me
But never for his friends

I am doing everything
Asking to be with him and to talk
Feels like I’m begging tho
And I was never a beggar

I’m scared
To start over
To try and love again
To move on
To see him move on

This is the fear that gives me a tiny bit of hope

I just wish I was fearless

Because
“I deserve better”

Am I only my body?
Did he have to have *** with me to realize he did not want me anymore
Or did he already knew?
Was the question
“Can we do it raw?”
Because he knew it would be the last time?

Why did I do this for so long?
For him to love me?
For myself?
For the last bit of hope?

I hope no one has to suffer like I did

I kinda wish he was miserable too
To feel at least  a bit of regret
A bit of sadness
I kinda wish the world screws him
Just a bit more
So is ego is crushed

He does not have my respect
Because I do not think he respected me anyways
Or atleast
Not my body

There are a lot of eras
You may be on your best or worst one yet
And sometimes you don’t even know it

A lot of things can happen
That you’re not prepared to
So you just have to accept it

It can either be the beginning
Or the end
Of something great
Or awful

Advice is not something you can always receive
But surround yourself with good people
And you won’t even need it

The moments are what matters
If you live them correctly
The eras don’t have importance

Leave the past behind
Even if it hurts
You’ll never forget it
But do not dwell on it

Care about the future
But not too much
As you also need to enjoy the present

Be happy of the era you’re in
Because you cannot change it
So at least benefit from it

I’m going to miss him
The sweet talk
The cuddling and kissing
The laughing

His family
His dogs
His friends

But at the same time
Is there more to miss?

Should I miss the messages he never sent me,
The time he never made for me,
The energy he never had,
The way he led me on?

All the suffering and insecurities that he gave me
Am I going to miss that?
I sure hope I do not

I really thought I got over it
Guess it’s not that easy

My wonderful friends
Always here for me
Getting me out of the house
Trying to distract me

It worked out for a bit
But when the loneliness appears
Everything comes back

The feeling of betrayal
Of emptiness
Of rage

Less than one week
And already a new girl

My stomach dropped when i found out
Pure physical disgust

We all know it’s not going to last between them

But

It still hurts
Even after anything he put me through

Kinda hope he does the same to her
Or her to him
Just so I can laugh a bit

A bit more

Friends
What really are friends?
People who are there for you
Whenever you need

People you confide in
People you choose to spend time with
And to laugh with

But

Are they still your friends
If you have feelings for them?

What if they become more than friends?

Then you do everything a friend would do
Except you do it on a deeper level
With a deeper connection

After that happens
Can you still be friends when it’s over?

What if
We can’t

I was never his friend
I do not know how to be friends
I always had feelings for him
I just wish we would not be strangers

But here we are

It’s night
Lying in bed
Once it was a wonderful thing,
Now I just look at the ceiling
Where the stars and the moon are

They shine
And they make my memories shine too

All of the good times
Come flooding my brain

However
I’m lying in the same bed
Where I cried
And cried
For those exact memories
To come back

Only to find emptiness
Suffering

The stars and the moon
The ones he gave me
Are now just a constant reminder
Of what a time of my life was

Should I take them out?
Remove them from my ceiling
So the memories stop?

But the problem is
One of the things I love the most
It’s a starry sky with a beautiful moon

Eu vi tudo
De cima abaixo
Todas as sardas
Todas as cicatrizes

Eu beijei-as
Eu fiz com que a dor passasse
Mesmo quando ela voltava

Irão sempre existir cicatrizes
Não só as dele
Eu fiz o melhor que pude
Para o ajudar

Eu dei tudo
A minha saúde mental
As minhas relações sociais
O meu corpo
A minha alma

E tudo isto para quê?
Para receber um obrigado?
Para ele fazer as coisas que prometeu que nunca faria
Outra vez?

Será que eu voltava a fazer isto tudo?

I have seen everything
From top to bottom
Every little freckle
Every little scar

I kissed those scars
Kissed the pain away
Even if it returned

There's always going to be scars
Not only his
I did the best I could
To heal him

I gave everything
My mental health
My social relationships
My body
My soul

All for what?
To get a thank you?
For him to do the things he promised he wouldn't
Again

Would I do it again?

It hurts
Hurts to try and forget the person
That you loved so deeply

After all they put you through
All the emotions they made you feel

The tears they made you shed
As well as the disgust
That you ought you would never feel for that person

But also the butterflies in your stomach when you are around them
Or the smell of their perfume when you walk into a room
That brings you back to the happy times

Unconditional love is something powerful
Too powerful even

Because when the person is not in your life anymore
Why is calling them your first thought
When something bad happens
Or when you accomplish something

Why is getting rid of things they gave to you hard
Or the need you have to wear them
When you know they will be around to see

We all wish our brain was not this complicated
We all want to forget that one person
That gave us everything and left us with nothing but sorrow

I only shared my story
All of the awful things he did to me
They way he made me feel

So how am I to blame for his mental health?

Was it me
By also telling his friends the story
That made them go away?

Or was it his ****** attitude?
Or the way he reacts when people say something he doesn’t like?
Or maybe even because he kissed his best friend’s ex?
At that friend’s house

If they were really his friends though
They would have talked to him
About the bad attitude he had
But still be there for him

But is it my fault for sharing the details of our relationship?
It was MY relationship too
It was MY privacy too

I did say somethings that maybe were too personnel
But honestly?
I could not give less than a ****

Guess I got my wish after all
His life is a bit miserable now

But why do I still feel bad?
I hate feelings

Compliments are so nice
They make you feel
Like you actually matter
They make you feel
Good

However
Why is it always
“Hot”
And never
“Pretty”

Am I only my body?
Makes so much sense after realising this

I’m only hot enough for people to want me
But not pretty enough to make them stay