There are a lot of eras
You may be on your best or worst one yet
And sometimes you don’t even know it

A lot of things can happen
That you’re not prepared to
So you just have to accept it

It can either be the beginning
Or the end
Of something great
Or awful

Advice is not something you can always receive
But surround yourself with good people
And you won’t even need it

The moments are what matters
If you live them correctly
The eras don’t have importance

Leave the past behind
Even if it hurts
You’ll never forget it
But do not dwell on it

Care about the future
But not too much
As you also need to enjoy the present

Be happy of the era you’re in
Because you cannot change it
So at least benefit from it

I really thought I got over it
Guess it’s not that easy

My wonderful friends
Always here for me
Getting me out of the house
Trying to distract me

It worked out for a bit
But when the loneliness appears
Everything comes back

The feeling of betrayal
Of emptiness
Of rage

Less than one week
And already a new girl

My stomach dropped when i found out
Pure physical disgust

We all know it’s not going to last between them

But

It still hurts
Even after anything he put me through

Kinda hope he does the same to her
Or her to him
Just so I can laugh a bit

A bit more

I have seen everything
From top to bottom
Every little freckle
Every little scar

I kissed those scars
Kissed the pain away
Even if it returned

There's always going to be scars
Not only his
I did the best I could
To heal him

I gave everything
My mental health
My social relationships
My body
My soul

All for what?
To get a thank you?
For him to do the things he promised he wouldn't
Again

Would I do it again?

Friends
What really are friends?
People who are there for you
Whenever you need

People you confide in
People you choose to spend time with
And to laugh with

But

Are they still your friends
If you have feelings for them?

What if they become more than friends?

Then you do everything a friend would do
Except you do it on a deeper level
With a deeper connection

After that happens
Can you still be friends when it’s over?

What if
We can’t

I was never his friend
I do not know how to be friends
I always had feelings for him
I just wish we would not be strangers

But here we are

Am I only my body?
Did he have to have *** with me to realize he did not want me anymore
Or did he already knew?
Was the question
“Can we do it raw?”
Because he knew it would be the last time?

Why did I do this for so long?
For him to love me?
For myself?
For the last bit of hope?

I hope no one has to suffer like I did

I kinda wish he was miserable too
To feel at least  a bit of regret
A bit of sadness
I kinda wish the world screws him
Just a bit more
So is ego is crushed

He does not have my respect
Because I do not think he respected me anyways
Or atleast
Not my body

I’m going to miss him
The sweet talk
The cuddling and kissing
The laughing

His family
His dogs
His friends

But at the same time
Is there more to miss?

Should I miss the messages he never sent me,
The time he never made for me,
The energy he never had,
The way he led me on?

All the suffering and insecurities that he gave me
Am I going to miss that?
I sure hope I do not

He didn’t cheat
But
Was it okay to still be with her?

After all the reassurance
“She's just a friend”
“I do not want anything with her”
Was that real?

Was it real when less then a week after everything
The breakup
The ***
Something still happened?

She
The one who I talked to
About the discomfort I felt every time she was around

She
The one who gave me reassurance
“Nothing is going to happen between us”

All the little respect I had for them
Vanished
Instantly

The disgust is stronger than any other emotion
And I just found that out

Wish the world ***** them both

“I deserve better”
“Find someone who wants and deserves me”
The sentences I’m sick of hearing
Inside of my own head

The thing is
I don’t want any other person
I just want this person to be better
For me
Is it too much to ask?

For the longest time I thought I was hard to love
When he appeared he showed me love
He showed me I was someone
I felt cared for

I got drained
Things did not work out
Until they did again
(Or so I thought)

What was once an obsession for him
Disappeared without a two weeks notice
Drier answers with long deliveries
Always tired for me
But never for his friends

I am doing everything
Asking to be with him and to talk
Feels like I’m begging tho
And I was never a beggar

I’m scared
To start over
To try and love again
To move on
To see him move on

This is the fear that gives me a tiny bit of hope

I just wish I was fearless

Because
“I deserve better”