And the snow was melting from the hills;
Green was glowing down in the north pasture;
Crocuses were bucking a hard west wind;
Calving was swinging on, and spring barns to muck,
And you were yelling about some thing or other,
The way you always do, or the way you always did,
Back in the day when you were here,
And I was just a lazy kid.

Dad, you remain somehow this giant in my mind,
Sleeping or waking,
I see you still,
Hear your voice,
Watch you running
One job to the next,
Passionate about everything,
Restless and without rest,
Some nameless demon chasing you,
Pulling the rest of us in your wake.

So the last three nights I've seen you,
Sat at table across from you
To discuss my leaving the farm:
You concerned I was a fool to go,
And I convinced I could not stay.

I wish I knew the hold you have on me
Six years gone with you away, and me,
Two states removed and a career nearly done,
Still finding myself waking from dreams
That linger vivid on.

the logic of pain and love
You poured your soul
And Whatever's left of your heart
and they told you its a beautiful poem
An amazing stunning write

But  Is it truly beautiful
when your heart was left fumbling  on the floor
When dreams grew stale
When you were shaken, tasted beyond scope
When you had to speak, shout, write against tyrants
When you were at your lowest and you just had to mumble some words

I just don't see the beauty in being shredded
I just can't fathom the weight of an ailing heart
I just
don't
get it

I watch you
as you lick your fingers
and laugh at the funny man on your cellphone
while the clouds above your head
outside the taco bell are not real
while you breathe in the poisons you can't see

I watch you
as you dance in the fairytale of non disclosure
that the box displays
that the news portrays
the fictional truth
the yodeling boy in Walmart
captivates
while pleas from those who see the truth
fade like the voices of trees and bees
and empty seas

I watch you
as you shed tears for a dying love
but close your heart to a dying planet
the clock ticking
the hours wane

I watch you
picking out the last car you will own
working so hard to get that promotion
and you know you're so much better
as you ponder sugar substitues

through red and tired eyes
tears loaded with nano particles and other poisons
I watch you drown in your blindness
your sad brainwashed life
your own slow suicide

tonight, before you begin your final sleep
open your eyes just wide enough to see
you could have stopped this

I stopped believing in love when you told me one of the highlights of my broken and fragile life was “a mistake”