Crawling in beside you
wrapping my body around yours
forehead to forehead
under the covers
feeling your breath
smelling your smell
lips reaching for each other
your tongue finds mine
tears of longing and elation stream down our cheeks
you pull me even closer
I surrender in your arms
my heart whispers
no more fight
let me stay here
I choose you
these eyes, this nose, this mouth, these arms, these hands
no other
let these be mine
let me be yours
give up the fight baby
stop keeping love at a distance
let the walls come down
let me love you home

No need to understand
In this moment I feel no kindness
No desire to reach out
Disowned anger
Needing to be owned and embodied
Holding just as much wisdom within it as love
Letting anger, rage and numbness teach me
Slowly revealing their gifts
The refugee aspects of the psyche
Needing to be felt
They have lived repressed
Locked up in the dungeon of conditioning
Labeled as unacceptable
Opening to anger, rage and numbness
Welcoming them home to my heart

Deep dark volatile rage
Nothing more to do
Don't make me be nice anymore
I want to rip your face off
To call out the smiles
And the niceness
Mine and yours
Give me something more truthful
More honest
More real
Bravery
Show yourself
Get on your knees and show me
Show me through your actions
**** your words
**** your excuses
Let them burn
Let it all burn
And then lets see what is left.

When I message you
It's often my young excitable loving care free baby that messages
She wants to play
To connect
To be in your world
To have you in hers

There is a naivety in this
That comes at a price
It costs me emotionally

It's up to me to love and care for my baby
To learn to keep her safe
To notice when she hurts

You remain in my heart
That causes some confusion
Makes me wonder if I've said it all
If I've been vulnerable
If I've made clear the depth of what I feel

May I lay it down
May I trust in love
Trust in my self
Trust in the mystery
And may I release control

You are my teacher
This love is a teacher
A teacher in being with what I can't control
Learning to live with love, loss, regret, beauty, hope and faith
All of it
Becoming strong enough to hold it all

So tender
The largeness of the feeling
Longing to express
To undamn
A well spring of love
Over flowing
Not meant to be contained
Life times of containing
Apologising for the ferocity of feeling
The tenderness that breaks
Cracking open
Surrendering control
Choosing to open instead of close
The pain of reaching out
Needing to be received
Let the reaching be enough
Let the longing bring you home
To feel, to love
It is everything
No apology
Love harder, love softer
Love always love

At times her crazy feels like a particular brand of crazy
Unique to her
Soul and ego battling it out
Ego bows to soul
Held in the complete embrace of the heart

Bear the void
Let it teach you
Watch what arises
Watch the fear
Which is lack of trust
Allow something new to be born
Bear the void
Let go