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Xaha Feb 2018
if i go outside more
and try to cry less
i'd maybe believe
i won't just regress.

but that doesn't mean
i'll find any success -
Recovery doesn't just happen,
It's an ongoing process.
Xaha Feb 2018
Gimme a rhyme
To pass my time

Gimme a dollar
Tighten my collar

Keep me in line
Revoke what is mine

No, I'm not doing fine
I walk a thin line

The judgement is there
I can't escape your stare...

The pages absorb what I think
My thoughts seem bleaker in ink
Xaha Sep 2017
What am i being paid for

To sit here and rot?
While others move 'round me
Without second thought

Truly there must be
A reason we're here?
Maybe just avoiding
A sudden creeping fear.  

As the islands go under
And the houses give way
It's harder and harder
To imagine "someday"

I brace myself
For the spine shattering shiver

Leave the door open
By only a sliver.
Xaha Sep 2017
There are two realities we choose to inhabit
The one in real time and the one suspended in virtual reality.
Aided by the ping of IMs
The scrolling feed of photoshopped landscapes
The stream of simplified consciousness
The endless swiping of chiseled bodies and imploring faces…
The images and messages we copy and save and download and delete -
Our lifeline of ones and zeros
Transformed before our tired eyes on little screens
Appears brighter and louder and more easily accessible than the space we inhabit
In a time slowly ticking away in a series of brief and passing moments.

Nobody has patience for real time
Where leaves darken and redden with passing seasons
Eventually withering and crumbling to dust.
Where the bright crimson **** is accompanied by a sharp pain
That lingers dully for days after the wound has puffed and the skin has laced itself back together.
And the burning emptiness that accompanies the silence
Throbs heavily in your chest long after the silence has been filled.
Nobody wants to gaze at an unchanging landscape
Long enough to notice the life in every swaying tree, every flying insect, every speeding car, every lonely passerby.
Or trace the path of light cast by the sun as it slowly moves its shadow over the steady scene.
People don’t care to stare into their partner’s eyes
Long and hard
In those moments of lapsed conversation.
Discovering insecurities and fears they had not realized were there. Needs and desires chewed, swallowed, and spit out as yesterday’s Instagram caption.

While we pose and polish and edit and post
Our hair grows longer
Our ears grow dimmer
Our minds grow duller
But the screen glows brightly.
And the likes accrue
And the friends multiply.

Maybe someday our headstones will be inscribed with our number of
Followers
Friends
And Connections -
Validating and memorializing our virtual reality.  
But beneath the earth
Our bodies will still be slowly decaying
Under the building sediment
Churning organisms
And passing of real time.
Xaha Jul 2017
Can't tell you why
But time is the crime.
The victims lay buried under
Layers of forgotten memories.
When we choose to ignore,
We choose to forget
And injustice prevails by the simple act of passivity.
The hollow screams and frantic eyes stay captured in the moment,
Then shelved and forgotten by the negligence of time.
Xaha Jul 2017
How do I stop
The little green dot and your name
From appearing at the top of my chat bar
Every time I go to stay connected with the world?
Daring me to click it
Ask how you are
Ask you not to forget me.

There it is –
Staring directly at me.
Raised off the screen -
But I’m didn’t ******* pay for 3D.

Hovering green dot -
Appearing then disappearing and reappearing.
The symbolism ripped from the pages of Gatsby doesn’t escape me.

At least if all we had was a narrow channel between us I could simply swim across.
Xaha Jul 2017
Wherever we went
Something followed.
Something twisted and hollow and bleeding from the mouth.
It lingered in the attic we stayed that sticky summer
And it rested alongside your mahogany canopy bed
Exhaling its rotting stench of doubt and fear
In a cold room of sickly green walls
And crimson carpet.

I could hear it moving downstairs as muffled voices
Cast angry pitches at the marble floor
Sliding off the surface and crashing into crystal heirlooms.

It dragged its claws behind us
Through the autumn leaves as we walked in silence
Letting the sun warm the parts our words could not.

And somehow it cast its reflection
Onto that sky
Thrown up over the dark tossing waves
Where a rainbow collided with the sunset
Flooding colors and light and shadow
Somewhere halfway to heaven but sinking slowly into hell.

I could feel it there -
A lump rising in my throat as I realized we were never meant to see behind the curtain
But someone forgot to close it all the way
And for a moment that defied time and space
We were brought to the edge
And had to guide ourselves back blinded
But breathing the earth deeper than ever.  

I know you felt it there too
Which is why when I saw the post on Facebook
All I could think was -
What did you do.

I never asked how it happened
Because deep down I knew
You had been ready
To die.
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