Once again here I am,
Lost in the silence occasioned
By you and your choosing,
Not mine,
But in part through me
And my inability to calm
Us when we row,

Here I am alone in
That most dreadful of ways,
Outside the light of your love,
Outside the warmth of
Our embrace - that hug which
Means so very much
To this tortured heart,

Here I am,
Alone with my thoughts,
Alone in the cold and the darkness
Bleakly aware of your absence,
The lack of you is a visceral aching pain
That tears and coils inside me
As I pen this verse,

And we are close now
To that joy we both desire,
Because we have both been
Heard at last my love,
And the hearing has made a difference
That dispelled the need for you
To fight or me fight back,

And that cease is vital
To both of us because
For my part at least,
And I hope yours too,
I love what we have when
It works,
Im not ready to say goodbye.

Funny how the pendulum moves,
Set swaying by a finger,
Swinging  back and forth
As gravity wages war against momentum,
In a war it always wins,

In relationships too the pendulum rocks
Back and forth
But not for the wronged
For they push it to where
They want it

Because history and the present
Are writ not by the victor
But the wronged against,
And in that the pendulum hangs
At 45 degrees

I wish I were a *******,
A ******* in both senses,
No father to be embarrassed by,
Worse still to understand,
No consideration care nor conscience,
Go where I wish,
Do what I wish,
When where how and to
Or with who I wish,

But although I'm called
A narcissist by those who
Did but a minimum research,
And that with biased filters too,
It is precisely my non-narcissisticness,
If indeed that be a word,
That leads to many if not all
My misdemeanors,

So yes I wish I were a *******,
For a me free of conscience
Would far closer conform
To the norm
Of society,
And then although I
Would have hurt some,
It would be spread about a bit,
Not all at once

Nor now

444 months ago,
Give or take a few,
And 444 miles it seems,
Are time and distance
That define a tragedy
Of my youth,

For I was too much the gentleman
And the officer,
And you in your beauty
And naivete
Or so I thought

Too young to read
The signs carved in words,
Roads miles driven,
Time in dinghy upon the Dart,
To hear the words unsaid,
Torn from my very heart,

So 444 miles were complete,
444 months sailed past
As once past Sandquay we
Surpassed
The time we were allowed,
And DQ sanction held me fast

Lucy in the sky will sing no more,
To an audience made of one,
And ghosts of younger thee and me,
Still mourn what we might have won,
And older wiser heads and hearts,
Will wonder ever more,

What might,

Have been

I am the invisible man,
You do not see me,
I am the invisible man,
The things I have done for you, are unseen,
I am the invisible man,
The heart that aches for thee aches unseen,
I am the invisible man,
The worth I lost in you is out of sight and mind,
I am the invisible man,
The miles I drive are unnoted and unremarked,
I am the invisible man,
The love I feel is uncomprehended,
I am the invisible man,
My hurt is of no import,
I am the invisible man

However those sins of mine,
My fallibility and humanity,
My faults
My misunderstandings,
My occasional rant,
My anger,
My self centredness,
My frustration,
My expectations,
My misdemeanours,
My poor behaviour,
Every
Single
Thing
That I do wrong,
Those things and only those,
ARE seen!

I was ever affection over expectation,
A gentleman to the core,
I wanted love and the real deal,
Not *** with a willing *****,

Affection over expection true,
But laid upon a bed of want and hope,
Of Cupids arrow in my heart
But aimed and fired by who?

And there's the rub as I turn to dust,
For Cupids flight was elsewhere,
Not near me nor near mine heart,
His bow and arrows dormant,
And starting now
To rust