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The funny thing is, I can learn so much about a person just from a sentence. When I don't even know who I am.
 Aug 2018 Cam
GONNER
the “thing”
 Aug 2018 Cam
GONNER
there were so many red flags but i ignored all of them
i was blinded by the light and the love you gave off
you told me you wanted to keep our “thing” a secret
that should have been the first and second sign
1. you called it a “thing” not a relationship and
2. you wanted to keep it “our thing”
you said “people get in the way. they break things. they push people apart”
that may be true but a real bond can get past that
if you really cared about me you wouldn’t care what other people would say
i sure didn’t
but i guess you weren’t that type of person
~
the night yo convinced me to come out to your house was the best
we sat on your roof at 3 am and
we got tipsy off of your dads beer
that was the beginning of the big part that ***** played in our “thing”
you kissed me that night
it wasn’t the first time but it felt different
that was when i started to realize i loved you
we fell asleep with my head on your chest and your arm around my shoulder
still on your roof, right above your bedroom
when we woke up, we rushed down stairs before your parents woke up
you stole their keys and drove me home
neither of us cares that you didn’t have your lisence
you borrowed me a sweatshirt that morning
i loved that it smelt like you
little did i know that that would be the first thing i would trough at you through my bedroom window
~
one month
we were together for one month
that day/night was epic
a true milestone for our “thing”
we went to a local park and
sat on the jungle gym and stared at the stars
hand in hand
you brought a six pack(which was typical) and a bottle of captain morgan
after about an hour of sitting there, taking shots and laughing at ourselves
you got up and lifted me up into your arms
almost effortlessly
i rapped my arms around your neck and my legs around your waist
we just stood there for a good 10 minutes
starring at eachother
the you started to kiss me slow and lower me on to the floor of the jungle gym
the night took off from there and that’s when i blacked out
the next morning i woke up in your bed wearing just your sweatshirt
my head was pounding and i felt like i was going to *****
i didn’t remember much of what happened the night before
put it was painfully obvious of what happen
i was in an empty bed
i wondered were you were
you walked in seconds later with a smile on your face
you looked at me and smiled bigger
i had no expression except confusion
that was my biggest “first” if you really want to call it that
and i didn’t remember it
i didn’t really care though
it didn’t matter much to me ever
you sat down on the bed and asked how i was feeling
i said fine than laid back down on your lap
the rest of the day we stayed in bed and watched movies
i was sure then
that i loved you
~
fast forward to two months after that day
school was starting again soon
you told me you loved me 3 days before our 3 month adversary
i said it back
and then
things started to become rocky for us
we had a lot of drunk nights
we made a lot of drunk mistakes
we had been together for 3 months and you still called us a “thing”
needless to say it bothered me
that day
the worst day for our “thing”
i got a text from one of the girls that i used to be friends with
she explained all of it and
apologized for the whole thing
she genuinely regretted it
i threw my phone across my bed and
curled up into a ball like shape, and cried
i balled
my best friend came over and listened to me rant filled with uncontrollable sobs and tears
she left
i waited for you
i couldn’t cry anymore
it was impossible for me to have more tears
i just waiting
you walked up to my house and came in
i didn’t say a word
your stuff was up in my room in a neat pile
you didn’t know it was there
but it was
the screaming didn’t start till you asked me what’s wrong
“i’ll tell you what’s wrong. you slept with her. three days after you told me you loved me. three days after you slept with me. how could you. i’ve loved yo for so long. i thought you loved me too”
that pretty much all i said to you
i just repeated it over and over in a different order
you stormed out the back door
i ran up to my room and
threw all your trash out the window at you
starting with you sweatshirt
then your phone cord
then your hat
then your sunglasses
and lastly the small plastic key chain you gave me when you first met me
and that was it
we were done
~
i saw you at school sometimes
not often
then you moved
i cared
but i acted like i didn’t
it hurt
you moved on quickly
2 weeks to be exact
it started to kick in
i wasn’t enough for you
so you ******* the first girl you could find
i wasn’t enough
you didn’t want me anymore
i kept replaying our fight over and over
it got really bad
not just because of you
but that’s for a different story
that led to the night i almost over dosed on pain killers
not enough to hospitalize
but enough to make me sick
everyone was worried but i didn’t care
i just wanted to die
you came back to our small town for a couple days
you saw me
you saw how bad i was doing
you didn’t do anything
our “thing” meant nothing to you
clearly
but here i am
almost one year later
1:33 am
and i’m writing about you
your probably in your new town and new house sitting on your roof getting tipsy off of your dads beers with some other girl.
i hate you
but i still love you
all thanks to our “thing”
i’m sorry. i know this was really long but everything is true. in 6 days it will be one year since i had my heart broken for the first time. this was very tough for me to write and i hope you can all respect it
 Aug 2018 Cam
GONNER
diseases
 Aug 2018 Cam
GONNER
i’ve beaten down and broken
into a million pieces
now i’m here alone
with no cure for my diseases

they’re eating me alive
cell by cell
they’ve forced me to do things
i refuse to tell

now i sit here alone
broken and lost
i’m still feeding my insecurities
when i know the cost

eventually i’ll be gone
nothing but pain
it keeps me awake at night
coursing through my veins

there’s so many scars
i can’t count them all
i’m patiently waiting
for my one last fall

my diseases are incurable
i’ve given up hope
there’s not much of me left
i’m searching for a rope

to end my pain
to end my sorrow
i’m hoping for
a better tomorrow
 Jun 2018 Cam
Poopypoetry
Disconnected
Not belonging in any world
Alienated from what once was my life
A scam of who I used to be
Nothing lasts forever, right?

What if I will stay a ghost
An undiscovered kind of poisonous flower
With leaves made of brick
Touching me will make you sick

My words a cloud of teargas
My voice a stinging bee
My thoughts a sword to the heart
Venomous from the start
 Jun 2018 Cam
Nobody
Unfinished
 Jun 2018 Cam
Nobody
I wonder how I've ended back up in this position
dependant on not just a chemical or two, but
dependant on the love of a person
You see, I was not born a human, nor have I lived as one,

I'm used to the beauty of the darkness, for in dark places
beautiful flowers grow, but it takes eyes
shadowed in darkness for decades to see them
and to pluck them, one needs a still heart
that no longer beats with the rhythm of a living being

that darkness has shaped my world, shaped my mind
yet in her voice, her words, and her love
I've found myself slipping from that place
being pulled into one in which I do not know how to live
Here there is light, and sights to be seen
with eyes practiced to the sun

I used to believe the universe whispered to me
and maybe it still does, it's just that it's been so long
since I've listened, that its song is distant
raw, and uncaring

You see the universe is lonely,
that's why it turned into you, and into me,
to be embraced with it's own warmth
to embrace itself in its own desire,
what a simple thing we endeavor, is it not?

By becoming creatures bounded in time, and space,
we've forgotten our true self and along with it
the wellspring of love that created us,
now we seek it, although in lesser forms,
experiencing it with only a few
and the upper casts of beings know this,

Somewhere deep in our subconscious we also understand, and we know that we've forgotten it.

It's just that demons have embraced darkness, and a total absence of love, while we try to fill ourselves with small glimmers plucked from flowers that grow in the sun.

Demons, on the other hand, pluck flowers that grow only in the darkness, and those flowers have power over mortals, they will call to thee and under their spell, you will dream dreams meant for only devas, asuras, demons, and spirits.

This nectar is not meant for humans, yet in our arrogance, we reach for their stock and supply,
and with it we compose beautiful songs and paint beautiful shapes, we piece together majestic art and music that can open the mind, bend it, twist it, and mold it in ways from which it can never retreat.

We create,
Things that even devas desire,

We create,
Things that even demons devour,

But to us humans these things are toxic, they are too much, and we become lost to them.
Such that we call madness is a consequence of reaching too deeply into the well of knowledge with an unbalanced, ignorant, distracted, and frail mind, and in doing so, we forsake everything for the pitifullest glimpse of eternity.

In that place; only gods and asuras may roam freely; humans, on the other hand, are far too greedy,
far too curious, far too ignorant, and far too dangerous to possess such knowledge.

We should stick to light plucked from flowers growing in the sun,
because those flowers which grow in the darkness will only lead to our damnation, the conclusion of our race, and the manifestation of something far more terrible than any of our myths ever suggested.
an unfinished piece, not sure if it's a poem, a short story, or just a stand alone piece of silly reflection, I will edit it later into something coherent
 Jun 2018 Cam
GONNER
i’m sure
 Jun 2018 Cam
GONNER
i watch you watch her
i hear you compliment her
i walk beside you as you hold hands with her
i see the way you smile when you talk to her
i see that little sparkle that’s in your eye get a little brighter when she enters the room
i wish you saw me the way you used to
i wish i was still the one who makes you smile like that.
i wish i was the one who made that subtle but oh so distinctive sparkle in your eye get brighter
after all, i am the only one who notices it.
after all i am the one who was always and is still here for you through anything.
after all i am the one who will stick around
after all i am the one who will never be able to look at you in any other way than perfect
after all i am the one who will always look for you in a crowded room.
after all i am the one who is sure about how i feel and what i want and well,
what i want
is you
about a someone
 Jun 2018 Cam
Kassel D
tracker
 Jun 2018 Cam
Kassel D
tore down what was left
of an ancient human structure
iron gate
stone walls
the wood burned within
the ashes of an old world
left behind the imprint of your victory
soot covered footprints
walk their newly claimed territory
where once children slept
the horses quiet in their stalls
hay filled dreams
stood open to a firey nightmare
where you stand and watch
with eyes like sunken stars
still searching
over me
over the vast nothing that was created by destruction
this is all i am
hunt no further
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