You can leave.
and push me away,
but I promise  
I will always stay,
by your side
where I belong,
‘cause even if
you do me wrong,
it’s just me and you
so I’ll see it through,
‘cause don’t ya know,
I love you.

Today I was told a story
Of a little child and her bird
And of how she had a string
That she tied to its leg
Every time she let the bird go
It would start to fly away, thinking it was free
But she would always pull the bird back,

And the bird never learned
So it kept trying to fly away
Hoping one day his wish would come true

I feel like the bird
Always trying to be free
But being pulled back by some force that I have yet to discover

Maybe the bird always knew
That he would die in the child's hands

Just like I know
That I will keep trying,
Trying to fly away
Even if my string is pulling me back

Splish Splash with Tired arms
Inhale Exhale with Tired breath
Yell and Argue with Tired coach
Whine and Complain with Tired swimmers
Loud Static from a Tired radio
Bubble and Pour from a Tired coffee ***

At the pool,
sound became music, and music
a Tired cane for them to rest their weary limbs

I thought it would be easy
I was wrong

I thought I knew what I was doing
I was wrong

I thought I knew which path to take
I was wrong

I thought I could do it all
I thought I was right

But I was wrong
Turns out I don’t know anything

Turns out I have a lot to learn

Life changes,
Filling with
Fractures
That tear down
Once perfect
Childhood memories

Trailing my fingers along the weathered spines
Which one should I pick?

It’s the horror of all horrors
It’s the worst of the worst
And you know that once you catch it
You are really truly cursed

To be under subjugation
Under horrible control
And it’s not planning to give back
Anything it stole

It stole your creativity,
All your rights, your name
And I’m just sick of playing
It’s sick twisted game

I looked up at my sister
She smiled and shook her head
And said it’s writers block my friend
**** it up until the end

100 days
Till the bright white sun
Shines down the earth
Warming me from head to toe
100 days
Till the water sparkles with joy
Happy to be seen after months
Hidden under the glaring ice
100 days
Till we sing around the campfire
Watching the night sky
Come alive with a billion stars
100 days
Till I laugh at the feeling
Of the warm wind
Tumbling through my hair
100 days
  Till
     Summer

You
You are all I think about
And you fill my head with wild tumbling thoughts
All it takes it that arrogant lopsided smile
Before my heart leaps out of my chest

And on the days I cant find a smile
You seem to notice,
You find just the right words
To make me laugh

That crease on your forehead
Right between your eyebrows
That appears when you think just a bit too hard about something
Makes me smile
Its one of those things you just happen to notice about a person
That's completely adorable

Your sandy blond hair
That lands on your forehead just right
Makes me wish I could run my hands through it over and over
Until it is perfectly messed up

And your eyes
Have no words to describe them
Ocean blue with soft silver and vibrant green flecks
They somehow have the capability of stopping me in my tracks
With just a glance
They mesmerize me and I find myself unable to look away
Even as you catch me staring

I cant help but wonder
If you notice all the little things about me
Or if you notice anything at all

Pain consumes me.
It thwarts all thoughts of me ever being happy.
The dark encloses me in a cage with tall iron bars.
And I sit curled up in a corner,
Head on my knees,
Silently crying.
But some days
The sun shines through the cracks of the boarded up ceiling.
I hold on to that light like a lifeline.
I cherish and treasure it,
Hold and caress it.
Murmur sweet nothings in its ear and try to convince it to stay.
Convince it to chase the darkness away.
But I always have to let it go.
And I go back to my corner,
Curled up with my head on my knees
Until the light comes out again.

My head slowly fills up with water as the darkness consumes me.
And I struggle to keep the tide at bay.
To keep my head above water.
I desperately wish for the light to come back again.
Because without the light
I don’t think I have the strength
To keep myself from drowning

“Momma what are stars?” asked the young girl,
“The stars are your dreams little one,
The closer you look the more you see,
focus on one alone and it fades away.”

“Your life is written in the stars,
the brightest are your fondest memories
and the ones you can barely see
have yet to happen.”

“Your dreams appear in the stars
for safekeeping,
so your wishes can one day come true
and the lights that dance
in colorful streaks across the sky,
show your fate and your destiny
flashing before your eyes.”

“The North Star represents you,
as your dreams change,
your world spins,
but you will remain standing,
grounded to the earth.”

“Because the stars are yours to create,
fill the sky with your hopes and dreams,
fill it with love,
because love will shine brightest of all.”

“So make the sky beautiful child
Because you only get one chance
To make it yours.”

Fluttering hearts
beat like drums
against Painted Feathers

Their lives speed by,
fragile and fleeting
like the cherry blossoms
of spring.

Life’s most magnificent picture
painted with watercolor,
on thin paper.

Frantic,
yet peaceful.
Bold,
but elusive.

I wonder,
if they live life fast

or if we
are just slow.

Gut-feeling, soul-wrenching, heart-crushing I’m lost I don’t know what do do someone help me I can’t do this anymore not like this not without you tell me what to do why did you leave me I’m sorry please forgive me I tried to come back and now I’ll never know what could have happened what would have happened why didn’t you wait for me now your gone and all I have are broken memories why did you have to go why did you leave now I’m here with no one I’m dying inside and no one understood but you

I promised I would come back
I broke my promise
You died alone

Now I will too

I thought
The straight road
Would be
Fast and
Easy
But it turns out
There's more turns
Than one would think
On a
Straight
Road

I realized
As I was begging him for forgiveness

I was begging
Me to forgive myself

Once someone abandoned me
I thought that revenge is what I wanted
I never thought I would actually go through with it
I thought it would feel good
To hurt the person
That hurt me
I guess I was wrong

I smile
And laugh
And talk
Along with everyone else

But inside
My head
Is churning
With thoughts
I know are not welcome

I hold it in
Try to shove it in a box
And throw it in the back of my head
Where I hope I can’t find it

But my wishes are ignored
And they come tumbling back
To the front of my mind
Where they whirl around

“Are you okay?” They ask
“I’m fine” I say

I’ll just try to hold it in
For a little while longer
Until I snap
And slowly disappear
From the life I used to live

I scream and shout and cry
Tired of thinking I am usesless
That no one cares

Trying to trick my self into thinking I don’t have depression
That those people I see in the pamphlets who look so hopless
Couldn’t be me

Maybe if I say that
“I’m fine”
Enough times
I will be okay

Cant let go
To the sky
To the stars

Wont let go
Of the bright meadow
filled with spring flowers

Never letting go
Of the long open road
Weaving through the field

Just hanging on
To the world

Until I have to
Let it go

Thought there would be
One more chance
For you and me
But now
I realize
There was nothing
There
To begin with

It’s too late
It’s too lat
It’s too la
It’s too l
It’s too
It’s to
It’s t
It’s
It
I
I’m
I’m s
I’m so
I’m so s
I’m so so
I’m so sor
I’m so sorr
I’m so sorry

It’s only a necklace.
It shouldn’t mean much at all,
yet it holds everything I can never have,
it’s all I can do not to fall.

I’m gripping onto the shadows—
to the person he left behind.
Trying to remember his voice, his smile,
to make a picture inside my mind.

Is it strange to hate someone you never knew,
yet love them all the same?
I cannot tell if this is the truth,
or if my head is playing games.

The photographs of his kids and loving wife
make me wonder if he was ever there at all,
or if he was just a ghost of self-made fiction—
the unknown will become my downfall.

The truth is, he has so many others now.
A family to call home.
So why can’t I just let it go,
and go back to my own?

It’s just one silly gift.
It shouldn’t mean so much to me.
But without remembering who I was,
how do I know who I’m supposed to be?

Shattered Mirrors
Reflect a distorted
Image of
Yourself

And you find
That the person you used to be,
The person you thought you were,
Is unrecognizable

People tell me that I have a pretty smile.
But if it's fake, does it matter?

People tell me that I am beautiful.
But inside, I am blackened and charred from years of getting burned.

People tell me that I am strong.
But I don't consider, blocking out the pain "strong".

People tell me that I am brave.
But putting on a brave face, doesn't mean I am brave on the inside.

People tell me I will go places, that I will do great things someday.
But how can I? When I barely get through today?

People think that they know who I am, they think they know ME.
But no one does, no one really knows that on the inside,

I am a child's painting.
They first add blue, then yellow, then green, and red and orange and purple.

And in the end,
its just a blob of brown,

that was once all the colors of the rainbow.

Written stories and
beautiful fairy tales,
tell of how
dusty glass panes
somehow become murals.
Of how
Muddy roads and soggy clothes
somehow become sparkling sidewalks and ballgowns.
Of how
Frogs turn to princesses how pumpkins turn to carriages.

But a what cost,

For all things come with a price
Nothing is really free.
See what you didn´t know is that Cinderella broke up with her prince
Alice got lost in wonderland and Peter Pan never went back to Neverland

So what is the point in the fairy tale?
What is the point of the happiness?
What is the point in trying,
If your world will eventually come raining down around you,
in a thousand tiny burning embers?

Is hope enough?
Hope that somehow you haven´t led yourself off a cliff
For the first time in years?

There is always that voice though,
That little tiny voice whispering in the back of your mind.
Telling you this is the biggest cliff of all.
That this time you wont be getting back up when you fall.
This time there wont be something that catches you
right before you hit the ground.

Right now,
I am just hoping
that hope is enough
to keep my world from falling apart
for the last time.

When the world
Fails
To let the light in,
Turn on the light inside of you.

When the world
Is awash
With bitter cold,
Fuel the flame in the hearth.

When the world
Looks
To silence you,
Scream your name from the rooftops.

When the world pushes you down,
Tests your limits,
And blocks your way,
Find the hand reaching out to you,
And let them pull you back up.

You are not alone.

Our paths may be different but we journey as one.
You will get through this.

I promise.

<3 Cam

We too would sit up throughout the warm nights
and laugh around the glowing campfire light,
then twinkling eyes meet from afar
sipping cocoa remembering good times
shared with friends.  We can never go back.

We took shelter from the shadows, from the dark.
When the sparks turned to fireflies, we’d smile,
and wish upon the flickering embers,
letting our dreams float up to the sky,

Speaking with love to them,
who had given me solace
and a safe harbor among friends.
How time did leave, how time did slip us by
to leave us with only faded memories?

At first,
Time is thy enemy
stretching out with
withered hands
stealing your breath
for decades,
years,
minutes,
seconds,
until you start to panic
frantically trying to slow down
every moment,
every day,
every hour,
wheezing in
every
      last
          breath...

Until the day you realize that Time cannot be fought.
It cannot be wrestled into submission.
It cannot be captured or frozen.

It must be embraced.
Enjoyed.
Respected.

You begin to understand that time is not your enemy.
You begin to appreciate all the little moments and love the person that you've become.

Eventually,
We all realize that Time is a gift.
One that we must learn to cherish,
before it's too late.