You scream, you yell, you fight
and every sound you make
bleeds through these poor unfortunate cracks
and pours all over the floor.

You hit, you bite, you slap
and every movement you make
shocks through these paper thin walls
and bounces off the ceiling.

You curse, you laugh, you abuse
and every word that comes out of your mouth
breaks through these tired withered bones
and seeps into my chest.

You sigh, you pout, you cry
and every single tear that falls
soaks through these old weathered clothes
and breaks my heart.

She tiptoed on ivory
and ebony piano keys
every Sunday as he sat in pews.
And sometimes, heavy-footed,
the sounds rang angry through the crowd
and the empty church halls
as she asked God,
“Why she wasn’t as
worthy as him?”

when he leaves,
cry hard.
soak your pillow in sadness,
scream into the quiet he gave you
but don’t look back.

when he leaves,
destroy you and him.
rip apart those photos you had framed,
box up the memories of you two,
but don’t look back.

when he leaves,
delete him.
remove all those saved messages,
erase all those times he said he wouldn’t,
but don’t look back.

when he leaves,
fall apart.
shatter into a million tiny pieces,
litter the floor he decides to walk out on,
but don’t look back.

when he leaves,
set fire to them.
burn them into empty space.
disappear into a cloud of smoke,
so when he looks back,
there will be nothing left.

Set fire to our love
Burn it down

Until all I can taste is
Smoke in my mouth
Ashes gritting my teeth
Engulfed in the inferno that is you
Until all I can feel is
Flames licking my heels
Fire in my bones
Charred to black by the heat of you
Until all that’s left is dust

But don’t worry
I’ll let the past keep me warm

Your love was a big lie

Full of promises

And crippled with shortcomings

Beaten down by pretty words

Shattered by desire



It felt warm to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was cold and unflinching

Only revealed to me

After everything was said and done



Your love was a heavy load

Weighing me down

And settling on my chest

Breaking every fragile rib

Until I could no longer breathe



It felt soft to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was sharp and treacherous

I only figured it out

After I was covered in blood



Your love was a fleeting moment

A breakneck affair

With no time to hesitate

You were here and then gone

Blowing my hair in your leftover wind



It felt lovely to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was ugly and vicious

Only discovering the truth

When it was too late



Your love was a big lie

A heavy load

A fleeting moment

A love that on the surface

Was warm, and soft, and lovely

But when I finally uncovered all your falsities

I couldn’t even stand to look at the man

I had fallen for.

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those starry-sky late night kinds of things
Like a breath of fresh air in the stifling heat
Like a brand new person you’ve been dying to meet

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those poolside sun-soaked kinds of things
Like bare skin singed in ultraviolet rays
Like the night sky full of firework displays

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those sweet like candy kinds of things
Like hot melted chocolate left in tinfoil
Like cherry cheesecake left out to spoil

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those fleeting like a dream kinds of things
Like a bullet train speeding through the night
Like the flutter of feathers mid-flight

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those gone like yesterday kinds of things
Like a dusty photograph stuck in time
Like a memory I’ve forgotten was mine

i shot your words into the sky
and watched them hang onto tips of stars
a million twinkling promises
against the deepest blue of night
they shimmered and shone
creating glimmers of hope
in the bleakest of moments
but as time passed
i desperately sought them out
through the lens of a tunneling telescope
and softly cried
as they slowly
faded from
view

There are two sides to me:

The one I present to the world,

And the other that I try to keep to myself.

 
The one who sings in the car

With the volume maxed out

And the other who screams at the top of her lungs

When she needs to quiet

All the thoughts running through her head


The one who can't stop laughing

With tears forming in her eyes

And the other whose hands shake uncontrollably

When she gets angry

Revealing to the world just how upset she is


The one who loves sunshine

With not a single cloud in sight

And the other who never wants to go out

When the act of just walking out the door is

Like pulling teeth


The one who talks your ear off

With meandering anecdotes

And the other who shuts down

When the idea of loneliness

Seems like the better option

 
The one who isn't embarrassed to smile

With her imperfect teeth

And the other who hides behind pursed lips

When she can't stand for anyone

To see any part of herself


The one who dances in her bedroom

With the moonlight filtered through the blinds

And the other who lays alone at night

When its too late and she's too tired

From crying for hours


There are two sides to me:

The one I want you to see

And the other that I hope you never do.

I can still feel my thighs grate against the sand

And feel my hair wrapped around your hands

The moon sat heavy in the midnight sky

And the waves crashed into the coast

Your warm breath hung in the cool air

And my skin rose to your every touch

The sand still felt hot from the sun

And the sea breeze tasted of salt

Your mouth found mine at last

And I eagerly answered your request

The outline of your body against the moonlight

And my body pressed into the inviting Earth

Your fingertips grazed the most private of places

And your lips browsed the softest places

As we discovered how we moved in sync

That night on that deserted beach

when you’re in love
the dishes don’t need to be done
instead, you leave them to sit
so you can do them together
with bubbles stuck in your hair
with your wet kisses on his neck
your laughter reverberating
even hours after you’re done

when you’re in love,
the laundry can wait
instead, you leave it to pile up
so you can fold in tandem
with you both sitting on the floor
with your knees slightly touching his
the neat piles all around the room
even hours after you’ve finished

when you’re in love
the bed doesn’t need to be made
instead, you leave it a mess
so you can tumble into it at night
with his warm skin against your own
with his arms wrapped around you tight
the smell of him on your pillow
even hours after he’s gone

when you’re in love,
the only time well spent
is the time spent with one another

i put the sketches
that god created of us
side by side
and i had trouble
finding where you began
and i ended
as if he moved quickly from me
thick lined and stubborn
to you
graceful and tender
we bled together
our outlines taking coarse shape
two halves
of the same whole
cosmically joined together
like distant stars
flashing the same tone
of light
against
the dark abyss

in the beginning
you were the color yellow
like simple supple sunflowers
or loose leftover lemon drops
your yellow nature
soon turned to red
like raptured rusted roses
or cheeky clever cherries
after the red faded
you turned purple
like perfect plump plums
or lacy lonely lavender
deeper in purple you grew
until you turned blue
like idle isolated irises
or bloated bellied blueberries

then you went darker
and turned black
in the end,
i could no longer see your color
if you were still yellow
like sandy sunlit shorelines
or red
like ***** lucid longing
or purple
like regal reveled royalty
or blue
like salty simple seas

you were just black

Yellow, flaxen hair lays like a tumbleweed on your upper back

And your shoulder blades pucker the skin between them,

Highlighting that birthmark you've always hated.

The cotton blend sheets cover you so strategically,

Leaving just the half-moon of your breast exposed.

You must be cold because goosebumps line your arms

Creating a passage in Braille I'll never be able to decipher.

The milky-white skin of your back rises and falls with your breath

And as you exhale, one singular strand of hair blows in the wind.

 

But even with your head turned the other way,

I can picture the freckles fall across the bridge of your nose

And see the furrow in your brow with each passing dream

I want to reach out and lay my hand on any part that is you

Feel your warm skin against my calloused hands

But to touch you would wake you

So I let you sleep

I had always been the pliable one...
the one that always asked herself,
“How much could you use me until you were done?”
I resigned to bed sheets: comatose...
the idea of loneliness sinking in...
wondering if you were thinking of me.

I wasn’t always flexible, but always willing to
bend and break on your behalf
until you decided to flee the coup.
Because that’s when I finally bucked up
and stood my shaky ground
and realized you were actually the lonely one.

/fall asleep/
you feel like sunshine
bright and full of warmth
yellow in color and calm in nature
heat running through your fingertips
you burst through the sky
and pieces of it fall to the earth
i pick one up only to see
the moon staring back at me

/wake up/
you feel like lightning
sharp and full of voltage
brilliant in color and frantic in nature
electricity running through your fingertips
you crack open the sky
and pieces of it fall to the earth
i pick one up only to see
the sun staring back at me

the feeling simmers deep down inside me
boiling and pouring all over my guts
scorching and burning all the way to my tongue
until it spill-splatters out of my mouth
the magma hot words bubble out
drenching and covering your outstretched hands
blistering and popping your delicate skin
until they creep-crawl up your arms
the fiery jumble of sounds crack apart
saturating and liquefying your shoulders
taking and breaking your slim bones
until they bust-burst apart your chest
these piping hot words finish you
leaving and abandoning you as a puddle on the floor
from something…no, someone different.

I’ve felt love before
In moonlit travels, bright and eager
And in frost bitten hearts
Frigid and cold on the skin

I’ve felt love before
In calloused hands, veined and pained
And in deep blue eyes
Beautiful and sad in their depths

I’ve felt love before
In hot water, steamy and passion-filled
And in laundered bed sheets
Tousled and unfolded around the edges

I’ve felt love before
In whispered words, quiet and lovely
And in plain white t-shirts
Wrinkled and loose on the skin

I’ve felt love before
In smooth kisses, careful and deliberate
And in bony collarbones
Sturdy and solid in their depths

I’ve felt love before
In wildest dreams, sewn shut and clean
And in technicolor reality
Neon and fuzzy around the edges

I’ve felt love before
In different men, unique and contained
But now in sharp contrast
Overflowing and pouring forth

i caught perfection
my hands awash in a masterpiece
but when i finally held you close
i became waterlogged in you

i tested your waters
dipped my toes in your coldness
but when i finally jumped in
i swallowed gallons of your turquoise
i bathed in your beauty
soaked in your cerulean shores
but when i finally let your tide take me
i drowned in your shallow end
i swam through your depths
deep-dived your current blues
but when i thought i finally hit your seafloor
i suddenly found myself in your abyss

i caught perfection
my hands wet with greatness
but when i finally realized your worth
i knew you had slipped just out of reach

She was confounding
Complete, but perfectly incomplete
An oxymoron, a double negative, a hypocrite
She only drank water that came from a bottle
And refused to eat anything that wasn’t stamped USDA organic
Her hands always sat motionless when she spoke
But her mouth moved in tremendous circles with every word
She disliked notoriety but craved attention
Her chest heaving and fingers tapping to the loud music
Her hair, disheveled and uncombed, sat static on her shoulders
Eyes bright and engaged, she eagerly awaited for her friends
At a bar on a Friday night, she was alone
And all I wanted was to know her name

My love grew for you
In the quietest of moments
It bloomed with every stolen look
You took from across the room
It started off small
A butterfly here
A flutter there
Until it enveloped me
A cocoon of doom

You were afraid to let me in
Into the dark caverns of your mind
The spaces you've been ashamed of
The places you've been told to hide
I wandered precariously in
Took my time with every step
Careful not to disturb the littered ground
And ran my fingers along the rocky walls
Took long breaths of you
And sensed all pain and heartbreak
Pierce through my thin skin
Frightened, I faltered and stepped back

But once the walls were illuminated
I discovered the complex depths of you
The nooks and crannies of your heart
The things you've always held so close
Felt them as if they were my own
Pouring through my own hidden spaces
And it occurred to me in that very moment
How I've never loved you more.

I’ve been the girl who held him too close
I’ve pleaded and cried into his chest
I’ve been held just as close
But felt just as far away
And clung to the back of his t-shirt

I’ve been the girl who knew he was unhappy
I’ve pleaded and cried into the silence
I’ve felt him drift to the other side of the bed
My thoughts of him ran wild
And seeped into reality

I’ve been the girl who called him over and over
I’ve pleaded and cried into his voicemail
I’ve said this was the last time I would call
My voice choking on the words
And hung up with a lonely goodbye

I’ve been the girl who begged him to stay
I’ve pleaded and cried into my hands
I’ve blocked the door in protest
My arms spread across the threshold
And asked if he still loved me

I’ve been the girl left alone in an apartment
I’ve pleaded and cried into the blank walls
I’ve packed my things and ghosts of him
Walked across the now foreign home
And left behind the memory of who we were

If you asked me what it felt like
I would say it felt like rain
Not the misty kind or the pitter-patter kind
But the downpours
The rain that lulls you to sleep
As it beats against the windows
That bursts from the clouds
And falls into your open hands
The rain that pools on sidewalks
And gets in your shoes
That rushes loudly into drains
And overflows neighborhood streets
The rain that turns everything green
After a particularly harsh winter
That clings to your skin
And drips from your wet hair
It drenches me
Soaks me through
Until all I can do is think about you

This is America
Where the rich only get richer
And the only thing that’s free is poverty
Where a single mother cooks Spam out of a tin can
In a 30 cent dented frying pan
Where little black boys clutch their guns to their hearts
Loaded and cocked;
Ready for the **** to drop

This is America
Where everything costs more than a dollar is worth
And even the dollar stores are 99 cents and up
Where Asian schoolkids get called Ching Chong
By fat middle class white boys devouring Ding Dongs
Where women’s bodies are controlled by men
In Ralph Lauren suits;
Spewing their propaganda on love and hate

This is America
Where the devil’s truly in the details
And if you want to make it big, you better have something to sell
Where healthcare is monitored by the government
Siphoning out your drugs like a treat for good behavior
Where crackheads and dope fiends and pill poppers
Are one in the same;
Minds and bodies and spirits riddle with addiction

This is America
Where jail time is a punishment not rehabilitation
And broken men evacuate our prisons with nowhere to go
Where incarceration is code for a controlled population
Killing culture and cops and citizens like a gnat between your fingers
Where higher education is a necessity but only somewhat free
Pell grants and work studys;
Graduating and finding yourself with a useless degree

This is America
Where immigrants seek asylum
And we call them bottom feeders and lazy day laborers
Where the borders “need” be stronger
Assigning them men with dogs and guns trained to shoot to ****
Where little Mexican girls traipse across the desert
Bare-footed and thirsty;
Hiding in the brush to avoid the copters

This is America
Where freedom isn’t free
And the only thing worth a buck is your soul
Where underage girls give a quick **** for a quicker bump
Abducted from their Kansas white neighborhood
Where **** is prevalent in a Christian society
******* and *****;
Always searching and seeking for the money shot

This is America
Where money is handled by crooks and thieves
And the poor, cold and hungry, suffer on the streets
Where panhandlers and beggars flood the suburbs
Abandoning their upside down mortgages for a solitary corner
Where every single material thing is a luxury
Taxation on *******;
Living paycheck to paycheck for a box of tampons

This is America
Where the middle class barely exists
And it just doesn’t cut it, your 40 hour work week
Where your earnings are garnished by social security
But the elderly are still struggling to make ends meet
Where retirement means a part time job
Office work or retail;
Dealing with the public for the next 15 years

This is America
Where free speech isn’t so free
And censorship exists despite our history
Where college kids speak their minds in poetry slams across campus
But the working class chit chat about television
Where hipsters and deadbeats stake their claim on
Restaurants and bookshops;
With ironic names in Helvetica print


This is America
Where we shed our blood for the greater good
And send our young and naïve to the front lines
Where soldiers come home to their families
Now realizing the only thing they know how to do is ****
Where they watch their children play in the streets from their bedroom window
Suicidal and Homicidal;
Placing the end of a shotgun in their mouth

This is America
Where reality TV reigns supreme
And more people know the name Kardashian than Einstein
Where kids are taught by underpaid unionized men and women
Holding the future of the country within their poor hands
Where schools can barely feed their students
Stomach and mind;
Both empty and starving, craving for attention

This is America
Where ignorance is the greatest epidemic
And keeping your mouth shut is the greatest sin
Where you gotta stand up and shout the truth
From the rooftops of Brooklyn to the sandy beaches of Pasadena
Where you gotta write and sing and rap and talk and feel
Pour it out and soak it up;
The true loss of the American dream.

i wonder if you remember
the presence of me
because i’m constantly reminded
by your faded memory

it lingered in the Sunday laundry
and ghoulishly appeared in a frame
popped up on the car radio
and frightened me all the same

as i packed your things,
it was in a card for my birthday
and eerily in a box of frosted flakes
i guess i never liked them anyway

later, it would quietly permeate
a passing tv commercial for charmin
remember how we used to laugh
i have those memories every now and then

i hope where you are is better
than where we were together

i wonder if you remember
the presence of me
because i was constantly reminded
by your faded memory

honeysuckle vines raptured
with blossoms bursting at the seams
gargantuan purple plum figs
drooping on delicate branches
with aromas of pleasure and sweat
like tousled sheets on bedroom floors

insects crawl on tiny feet
with the smallest winking whiskers
chirps of crickets fill the night sky
pouring into the desperate silence
with sounds of eagerness and delight
like laughter through closed doors

the seeds sink in
with shells cracked open in need
soaked into the wet and hungry soil
pods broken, wasted underneath
with sour dirt between their teeth
like anger between quarreling lovers

feet planted into the cold earth
with roots stuck against the grain
heavy hearted tree trunks
aged and weathered in time
with wrinkled scars of the past
like faded memories of what’s gone

but the sun peeks through
with a hopefulness like never before
and beats down on the pale garden
that time seemed to forget
with lust and light and love
like a brand new start
with someone different

You were birthed blood orange
Arriving out of the blue sky
Violent and lovely in color
Bursting with ***** hues
Tinting everything you touched
With a tinge of wantonness
Puckering loose lips
With tighter fists
Heating the ground under foot
Singeing palms on thighs
Igniting fires of desire
Thought to be extinguished

But as quickly as you came
You waned into a purple haze
The backdrop of a lazy sunset
And coasted along the shoreline
Until you turned midnight blue
And faded from memory

You laid out crisp white towels
All over the cold tile floor
Our very own continent of ice
Antarctica in the kitchen

You had drawn the blinds
Over the plane glass windows
Our very own prison for two
Alcatraz in the suburbs

You pressed your hands together
Gripping sharp words between them
Your very own brandished knives
Weapons of great power

You dressed in a plastic suit
Preparing for the blood bath ahead
Your very own contained quarantine
Shields of polyethylene

You spoke the words
Cutting me right down the middle
My very own personal mitosis
Annihilation in the suburbs

You stood looming over me
Finishing the messy job
My very own ****** scene
Homicide in the kitchen

you ever look into the mirror
and love what you see
well, i know i do
because i know what skinny meant to me

it meant the dress actually fit
and i can button those pants
no more double digits
screaming at me on sewed tags

it meant a scale didn’t scare me
every time i went to the doctor
i could look at the number
and not cry about it later

it meant loving the way you look
but hating the way you feel
knowing what it took to get there
knowing how long it will take to heal

knowing it means a pack a day
stuck between my teeth
the smell of cigarettes
wafting off my skin

it means no food tuesday
and thursday and sunday too
and binging on the space
left in between

it means bent over a toilet bowl
with a finger down my throat
and running the faucet next to me
so no one has to hear

you ever look into the mirror
and hate what you see
well, i know i do
because i know what skinny means to me

Compliments were like mace;
asides that I never took well.
Never mind awkward first dates,
they were like living in hell.

I’m lucky I found gentle men
who took steps quietly,
that put up with my self-disdain.
and just as equally,
suffered in the rain.

But soon, they grew predictably helpless
and decided to abruptly end things.
Surrendering an on-going protest
they knew they would never win.

I’m sorry I brought my selfish war
into our cozy love stuff.
That I never cherished our affair
and tried to call your bluff,
as you firmly said farewell.

But if truth be told, and I’m being brutally honest…
I think I finally figured out the part that was the hardest
that I should be kind to myself regardless.

I’m not a poet
But I can write you a poem
Compare your eyes to silver seas
And make metaphors out of your laugh

I’m not a painter
But I can paint you a painting
Color your skin in flesh tones
And surround your light in shadows

I’m not a chef
But I can cook you a feast
Savor the soft taste of you
And gorge on the fruits of your love

I’m not a sculptor
But I can build you out of clay
Smooth out your weary imperfections
And mold you into what you want to create

I’m not a singer
But I can carry a tune for you
Hold your falsetto in pleasure
And growl my way through your baritone

I’m not an artist
But I can make art out of you
Put you up on display
And showcase the beauty that is you

If I drew a line from me to you
It would cross deep blue oceans
And deserts and maple-leafed forests
It would cut through prairies
And part fields of bright bloomed flowers
It would loop enormous circles
And corkscrew around hundred-story buildings

It would tremble in the rain
And wobble and waver in the wind
It would buckle under pressure
And bend and break against our will
It would erode with time
And leave a trail of us behind
It would be the only thing left of us two
If I drew a line from me to you

She never was the friendliest girl in the room
But sometimes, her laugh was the loudest
And boomed across the room
Catching the attention of private conversations
It was probably a laugh
Not really worthy of the joke that was told
But still, it came out of the mouth
Of maybe not the most talkative girl in the room

She never was comfortable in her own skin
But sometimes, she dressed to impress
With an outfit she put tremendous thought into
It was probably an expensive dress
Too formal for whatever occasion it was
But still, it was strategically worn
By maybe the most insecure girl in the room

She never was the smartest girl in the room
But sometimes, her cleverness was noted
And she received a nod from the table
It was probably a random trivia fact
Too obscure to really matter in the long run
But still, it was casually mentioned
By maybe not the brightest girl in the room

She never was the prettiest girl in the room
But sometimes, she would catch your eye
And those little imperfections suddenly made sense
It was probably just the drinks
Too strong for your own good
But still, she looked beautiful
Maybe not being the prettiest girl in the room

you came rolling in like thunder

with your lips parted and wet

like the leaves on the trees

even hours after it has rained



a hurricane

of the greatest proportion

I never said no
But I know I never wanted to
End up in your bedroom
That sweltering afternoon
With your thick, rough hands
Pressed against me

I focused on any part of the room
That wasn’t you
Fixed my gaze on a poster on your wall
And listened to the box fan on the floor
Trying my best to drown out
The sounds coming out of your mouth

I never said stop
But I wanted you to
Quit kissing me with your foreign lips
Feeling the stubble on your jaw
Rub my face raw
Smell your soured breath from cigarettes

I counted the seconds
Until it was over
When you rolled off of me
I wanted to shout and scream
Hateful and ugly things
But I was silent in that unmade bed

I never said no
But I know I never wanted to
End up in your bedroom
With you, but thoroughly alone.

take a look at broken love
like a ticking grandfather clock
with heavy moments passing through
minuscule motions of crisscrossing hands
the thum of time beating in weather worn chests

take a look at broken love
like a melting ice cream cone
with sticky sweet liquid seeping onto
similarly sticky juvenile fingertips
the heat of summertime shimmering against butter pecan

take a look at broken love
like a shoot ‘em up film
with crafty bullets zigzagging across
rolling reels of burning celluloid
the sound of gunshots blasting into your ears

take a look at broken love
like a fragrant red rose
with outstretched crimson petals cradling
passive pinpoints of dripping relief
the delicacy of liquid clinging onto fragile flesh

her favorite color was yellow
she loved the way it burst
and swayed in between flower petals
how the sun peeked through the clouds
after a particularly rainy day

she met a boy who liked the color orange
like pumpkin pie and japanese beetles
ultra-fluorescent vests and crushed leaves
he liked the way it stood out from the crowd
and shined brightly against a bleak background

but she was yellow and he was the color orange
close enough to be one in the same
but too different to combine
one calm and riddled with sadness
the other frantic and full of doubt

the two colors started to bleed together
yellow and the color orange
each trying to brighten the other
but they became muddled as one
and lost sight of one another

you are my sunshine
yellow like lemon drops
and **** against my tongue
but sometimes
a sadness flickers about your eyes
and suddenly
you fade into deep dark blue
a sharp contrast
to your normal pastel hue

You were a freelancer
which makes sense looking back.
Your approach to your craft
mirrored how you treated your knickknacks.
A menagerie of numbers in your contacts;
how you picked and chose who to call back.

I wonder if you ever felt ashamed
in those brief periods of idleness.
Did your hands grow restless?
Which notification was most missed?
I’m pretty positive
it wasn’t mine.

tanned by the filtered sunlight
skin singed by the ultraviolet rays
rich and green and lush under the canopy
hopeful hearts and viscous viper vines
red flowers blooming on the forest floor
but you were dark inside

fixed in the current of the undertow
held under to drown delightfully
brow beaten and weary bones withered
salty seawater and coral colored conundrums
veins pumping warm blood through warmer bodies
but you felt cool to the touch

gorged on the fruits of your love
plump bellies full of sweet lies
half comatose in awakened anger
telling truths and infinite inciting indecisions
beasts of burden finally coming to light
but you lied from the start

amazed at the loneliness of after
loves of past wandering hallways
phantoms ******* with light switches
lovely longing and ghastly ghost grievances
vaguely haunted in the aftermath
but you died so long ago

i feel like my mind can’t be contained
and all the dark thoughts i harbor beneath
pour into the surrounding life i live
poisoning the happiness i’ve come to find

it betrays me by rotting me from the inside out
and eroding every joyful memory into dust
questioning the steps i’ve taken to get where i am
quick to replace the comfort with silent pain

i wish i could finally shake loose of my mind
and leave behind the decayed flesh of it
abandon the past and all the scars in its wake
acquire back the light i used to hold

but i’m stuck in a prison i’ve created myself
and have lost the keys to my own happiness
trapped in a web of doubt and uncertainty
trampled by my own two feet

i've forgotten what your voice sounds like
or even the way your mouth carried the words
how each vowel rolled off your tongue
or how each consonant broke against your teeth
the memories are there; the conversations
the lighthearted ones in the beginning
and the hurtful ones towards the end
the words float in my mind like drifting snowflakes
the time you first said you loved me
to the second you decided it was over
and every delicate flake in between
i can remember the words themselves; the script of our love story
how each word either set my nerves on fire or snuffed me out cold
but the sounds elude me…
forever lost in falling snow

I lent a book to a boy:
who I had mistaken for a man,
who I let touch me with his hands,
who I had convinced that I cared.
But in the swiftest motion
was left in bed alone with a book
I never intended on seeing again.

i wanted a fireball of love
an explosion of burning passion
that hit me in the chest unexpectedly
but instead, i found a slow burn
hot embers on a bonfire
and calloused hot coals beneath my feet

i wanted a torrent of love
a monumental deluge of longing
that drowned me far within the deep end
but instead, i found a summer misting
dewdrops on verdant leaves
and tears running down my cheeks

we kissed in a midsummer rain
as fireworks boomed in the background
you tasted ****
like the hard candy
melting in the pocket of your jeans
the lights twinkled in the sky
and shimmered in your eyes
as a million tiny explosions
took me by surprise

Sometimes, I like to forget
you were ever me.
That the girl in the mirror
ceased to even exist.

Her skeletons,
she kept cautiously hidden.
But her heartbreak
was thrown to the world to be seen.

Sometimes, I feel so sorry
for the girl in those memories.
How lonely
it must have been.

I wonder how many parties
I chose to miss?
How many boys did I
never get the chance to kiss?
The friends I could have made;
the connections I left delayed.

All because I was scared...
because being alone felt safer instead.

I remember a few months back
You telling me about the time
Where you were knocked unconscious
How there was nothing but black
And a sharp stillness that you’ll never forget
I remember how much it frightened me
To know how fragile our role in this life is
How quickly it could be snuffed out to nothing

Jump to yesterday
When you told me the same story
About the darkness, the cold, the nothing
However, this time it didn’t feel as scary
As foreboding or bleak
Instead of cowering behind fear
I responded,
“How peaceful to be alone without any thoughts?”

boys give us jewelry
as modern chains to restrain
to own
to torture
to claim
to bother
a mousetrap on a ring finger
a dog and its collar