searching for you
its hot in my room

**** you make me nervous
calling my name

say it louder
make me shout it

but we were young
and this world doesn't want to work for us anymore

moving state to state
room to room
life to life


i wanna go back home

"imma head over in like 10? Are u home yet?"

"lol thats how he sounded w me too"

"Okay when will you know officially?"

"And at first it was more like “first read reactions” but I wanna read it again and actually come more constructively"

"That is not mine"

"Okay nvm I’m at ya house and wanted to see if u wanted to walk!!"

"Hey guys just wanted to let you know that I’m at urgent care at the moment trying to see what’s up with my body I just wanted to give you guys a heads up that I might not be able to make it tomorrow"

"Can we post those photos yet?"

"let’s GO"

"i love it so much so far, like i feel like this fits me so much which i’m actually happy about"

"Perfect! Talk to you then"

falling in loops and doing the same
is just as toxic as what you say

enough if ands or buts
im tired of all the foreplay
get straight to the hurt
and tell me what you regret most

messing up.
this time it might have been a deeper cut.
i was left with scars down my arms, that i thought i could cover up.

i left my zone.
i left the love.

and of course the poem was about you

and suddenly im back where i was before
and you hit me harder than it was before.

i dont care
biggest day ahead
not as big as my ambition
and your determination
and you fight
and you play
but whatever
we dont care

Here on the floor, packing up boxes and taping up my memories. I have to move back. I have to leave this behind. I don't want to though. I can't imagine being around the same people with my old life. I'm not even sure if this new life is more or less, but for some reason my old life seems so foreign now I'm not sure how I can relate anymore. There is still a lot to do but it feels different now. Before my city was a light, but it seems to be dimmed by the great New York. But I mean...what did I expect.

no more doing things for free
power to the people

no more that isnt a job
power to the people

no more i only make art when im depressed
power to the people

no more hating on others work
power to the people

more coming together
power to the art  

more support to the artists of the universe
power to ME

you're pretty like them eyes
but i see right through your lies

your lipstick your dispose
i cant let you hypnotize

please just be nice
i can't be your rise

you get me way too high
and i forgot what thats like

swimming pools i can surround you
like i never left you
let you come back
only cause i let you

swimming around in the lies
i can feel their eyes
no shame  
no shame

only one to blame

face to face
face to phone
phone to dreams
is this my reality

dodging the titles
and the thoughts of you and
the memories that you killed and the
person I used to be
next time you call
please know better than
to try and be straight forward
with me, nothing like this is ever
real

thinking that you know better
you know you do
holding on close
before we let it all go
name on the guest list

but not on my sleeve
never-less my heart

i wouldn't even know you were trying to get in though

hold me cold
dead in the eyes
lost in my soul

heating up in the sunlight
the bright light is so loud
it rings between us  
and makes us feel at home

the average becomes the normal and the normal becomes the fantasied. the everyday took to long to grab my attention and I was left on the side of the road. The side that was in the sun, it burned my skin to a crisp and I was only left with the ashes. The ashes that represented the normal, the everyday, the fantasy that I can never get back.

if you dare bring it back, thats unheard of. if you leave it as is your a traitor. something to be ashamed of, you better fix it.

when I was younger i fell in a cactus
i had spikes up to my toes and in my ears
i covered myself in glue to get them all out

when im lonely i find myself doing the same
falling in loops
and waking up with your hand on my back

cut, copy & paste all over my body

why is this how it tastes

things are tough
but im gonna get through it

the money is tight
but im still gonna laugh

things are hard
but im still going to wish the best for everyone else

i know its hard
but we are going to make it

i love you,
its ok

the more you know

the less you feel

and the more you feel

the further you go back

into the light

but its so bright

and I burned this house down

the frosted glass becomes clear

and this is all you'll ever hear from me again

are you on here too?
why am i writing to you, for you?
was our love just really too much to handle?
if it was worth it please call me tonight, I promise I'll play my sound really bright.
i know it doesn't make sense but if it will ever, please know I am thinking of you ever.
Why tonight, why this love song?
i really can't make sense of it all.




i guess ill wait...for your call tonight.

i see you scrolling past me
and i see you talking about me
like you know who i am

like you know where ive been

like you see what i see

but you cant even take the picture, imagine the issue or realize the situation

what a waste of that perfect vision

people follow me to see what im up to
people comment to figure out how i do this and that
they dont care to get to know me
they just care to know how i do what i do

i think you know the answer yeah
ill say it loud and clear through the microphone


you can never be me

I sit back and listen.
I am in the forest, sitting in the grass.
Surrounded by mountains, the sun kisses me.
The flowers bloom.

I open my eyes.
I am not where I thought, sitting in a room.
Waiting for myself to bloom.
Into what I was before.

Can I go back?
Just for a little bit?
I ask myself, if I really want to.
I realize that there are better things in store.

If I can just hold on for a little longer.

like actually truly make ! a film.

how do u do that

how

literally
how

till it hurts less.
but it ends up hurting more.
it brings me right back to the late night.
it was that one night.
we ran on the golf course.
to run our course.
the alarm went off.
we ran to the car.
into the backseat.
we played the song.
we played it again.
my ears didnt hurt then
but they hurt now.

but can we just play it one more time?

one mantra
two deep breathes
three reminders  
four try agains
five gulps of water
six new pathways in your brain
seven is the lucky number
eight blessings
nine curses in return

ten picking yourself up again

by sam smith
but from my heart
writing this on the floor
i hope my lover doesnt see

oh **** here he comes

trigger warning: listen to the old songs
trigger warning: imagine about his face
trigger warning: think about his breath on your lips

falter back and forth
and back again
the place you used to be isnt there anymore
and your forced to move on
to do better

its supposed to be better
but it still haunts me

you can tell when its real.
and you can tell when its fake.

maybe both are ok,
you just have to know what you're going for.

im ******* ****** and i dont even know it
feeling so emotional but i dont even show it
and if i could get you off my mind
i shouldve couldve wouldve of
but nothing beats the times when i thought youd show up
instead youre too busy liking him
so i mind my business once again
never getting what i want  
just slowly nodding off

and i think you would be more interesting with me
but what do i know
i cant even spit out a word
so soon ill ******* choke on the adjectives and the verbs
nothing new to describe her
except that i maybe kinda love her or maybe im just lonely so ill shut the **** up

off topic and out of line
I thought that was the last time
but you were the source
and I was the

nevermind

I think I got off track but I'll bring it right back
and youll go ahead and say
you were first

but I influence you and you dont even know

so stay in that box and stay on track

i can't believe I feel like this
and ive been doing so well
yet everything is so glitter and gold
until its nighttime and the demons come out to play

no one sees it
because everyone has forgotten
about what it used to be like for me

but there is no going back
or either side
id rather fall down
then retrace my steps
back to you

your ear against my chest
listening to every breathe
its never enough

why do you want every part of me
i know you're listening

when i whisper
i know you're listening

till i die
i know you're listening

because you can't get enough

and i let you

im working hard
but it seems like something is working harder
to keep me going and
to
keep
my
head
above this
water

thank you whoever you are

if this is a stream of conscienceless then i have to give myself a break
if i keep bending ill just end up out of sorts
and i know i can do this
but i keep coming up short
i have to follow through and finish what i started
it'll lead to something better
thats where my heart is

blood
flows
to
my
head

it swells

it makes me bleed

grab the gauze
and wrap me up

this one is bigger than before

i cant believe
that i get to live the life of a creative

nothing could have blessed me more
than being able to pick up a camera
and to frame a moment
in any way i see fit

or to pick up a pen
and bring words to life
a way that no one else can

i realize now
i miss sitting in your car
i miss staying up all night
i miss laying in your arms
i miss hearing your voice
i miss the late nights
i miss the way you're there for me
i miss the way you understand me
i miss you

you're there and im here
but

i love you

sweating out the messes of last night
i wish we kissed but i dont know
you swam around in circles
like an angel floating in my mind
why the **** do you like him and not me

am i alone, am i even here, how do i shake this feeling

i wish you noticed me, but i dont know how to say it

all the words, punctuation and periods cannot describe the constant feeling of laying on my back and the hoping that i can get back up.
this lack of spine seems to be unfortunate because im not sure if i mold to everyone whose ever past by me. this bone structure doesnt seem to be fairing me while with nothing to work on except the dead weight.

but i thought i thought differently, and saw this sideways when it was right side up laying on its side

when everything you want is coming together
and you couldn't imagine it any other way

this is what life is like
on the inside

everything you do
can be summed up
to letters and numbers
and awards that they give to you
because you're better than them right?

but i guess it really isnt that hard
i get straight A's and laugh after school at the park
but never to your face

we keep that part locked down
and my writing this poem just shows that
we really are the same

don't worry baby you are home now
my arms wrapped around you
i hope you feel my warmth and take from my strength
as you move on to the next one

this one will remember you

we pass tall buildings
and large oceans
we fly over mountains
and look down at the tiny people

we go through a bigger door than we ever have before
and find that it really isn't as scary as we thought

you never really know what home is until your gone
and you never really know what right is until you make it wrong

taking a little time to myself
hope ill find you in my process

thinking about the time
i saw the curve of your thigh  
turn into something heaven sent
but i dreamt it away
just cause i couldn't stay

and i would be with you
but i got better things to do

i guess
you did help me here and there
but you brought up this and that
and the time difference set us off

but theres more to life now
and we cant figure it out
this isnt a movie
or the next episode

and im not sure if i should feel bad because i guess i didnt earn this

hello my name is stressed and i am june
hello my name is too much to do and i am june
hello my name is whens that due? and i am june
hello my name is i cant get that done and i am june

but june is the happiest month?
well sometimes but not today

i believe there always comes a time where we know its time
time to move on
to another part of life
to another city
to another person
to another book
to another song

to a new day
to a better day

**

maybe its just not the right boy?
maybe i don't even know him?
he just gives me a feeling of someone i used to know
someone i used to love

but he's someone different?

what does it take to be close to someone again

not from the guilt.
but from the light.
it glows from all around.
and for some reason.
i cant stop thinking about you.