a flood of emotions
but i will only catch the hopeful
another day, another way
i can look for the better version
of myself
yes, there is hurt
but one day at a time
a few good words on my mirror
and we will see
what happens

coping
isn't it supposed to be temporary?
how much more loss
can i endure?
it's never ceasing
just like the thoughts
within my head
oh my heart.
waiting for the days to end
loyalty seems like a good thing
but it is also shattered in the end

just breathe
trusting seems unthinkable
but what other option is there?

i will not break
as much as my heart screams
i will continue to push forward
because what other option is there?

i woke up feeling okay today
usually i would be nervous
waiting for the next unfortunate event
but today
i’m going to embrace this feeling
cautiously optimistic
and accept that i might always be existential
i’m going to breathe in this
present picture moment
and let the extreme
be itself

welcome to my soul
it’s quite extreme in here
mostly just to experience something
more than the feeling that overflows
more than the aching for something
i’ve never had
facts and feelings are blended
in a whirl wind of thoughts
maybe i need to learn
to accept myself
and all the non existing things
i am looking for
maybe i need to accept the fact
that i will feel forever

welcome to my soul

~ a letter to myself

did i ever live in my head rent free?
i'm starting to question
what the expectation is supposed to be

was i ever carefree?
i genuinely don't recall
have i always been held by a wall?

i sit on that mountain top
my scream didn't even echo
i don't think my thoughts will stop

but maybe a little less cruel?

"i'm okay"
so automatic
but definitely not sure
a new coping skill
for when i feel i can't share

i have never been a liar
so when did this start
afraid of something
afraid of nothing
AFRAID OF WHAT?
abandonment most likely

but i'm okay
in case you ask

sometimes
i question whether this state of mind
is real or even unkind

but then i fall
into the dark pit of darkness
and i see it all

all the lies i was told
about myself
my trust so easily sold

happiness
a fleeting wish that flew through my mind
i think

happiness
bright bubbly something
i think

happiness
the expectation for existing
i think

happiness
a realistic reality
i think?

they say
to take in this moment
because next year nothing will be the same
but i didn't realize the truth in that statement
till i arrived at next year
and realized that time is fleeting
so i will hug every moment close
till arrive in next year

i'm breaking faster than i can heal
and it's going to get to a breaking point
that i cannot heal

a great barrier
holding back how i really feel
i've been happier
but it's so hard to heal

hold up the shield
just for the day
keep your heart concealed
don't put it on display

the shield is cracking
a fear of mine
brace for the impact
then you can draw the line

my greatest fear
is that i will wake up
finally
to the reality i have been looking for
and still wish i wasn't here

"i want to wake up in the morning
and not wish that i was dead!"
i screamed into the mountains
hoping for a reply
take me back to 17
and let me live like i did before
let me live in my head rent free
and throw my emotions to the pile
on the floor
let me listen to sad music
and not relate
always waiting for the day
i will no longer have to wait

shaky hands, shaky heart
nothing feels connected
not even emotions that take part

dizzy and confused
am i even in this body?
or is my soul watching, abused?

uncontrolably kneeled
words fight to escape
but my mouth is sealed

am i going insane?
or coming to?
dear God, please let me escape this brain

why do i go to writings to release my inner war?
poems, paragraphs, lines
isn't there a better way to get off the floor?
to escape from this mind that only confines?

do they even matter?
these writings of release?
sometimes they just make me shatter
fall apart piece by piece

should they be shared?
or hidden beneath my hollow heart
wouldn't they show if they cared?
i guess i would have to be the one to start

empty bottles filled with something
it makes no sense
where is the sense they bring?
why am i still on the fence?

coping is bane
not who i truly am
will i always be the same?
this all seems to be a scam

will this empty bottle break?
or do i need to shatter it?
for goodness sake
when will this decision split?

these feelings are making a comeback
what do i do when they come back?
dramatized in my own head
but what would they be instead?

the question is a constant as a lose *****
gripping to the fragments of my brain
could it be what He is telling me to do?
seems like i might be going insane

i really need to get a grip
or the grip needs to let go of me

hazy and oddly mystified
a filter holding me back
from what is good in this life

will i ever escape
the mental anguish of jail bars
hours they take
holding me back from who i was before

“there’s no sense
in holding onto something broken.”
but in my defense
i might be the “something broken”

would it be a tragedy
if we all died tomorrow?
we wouldn’t need anymore gravity
or even sorrow

would it be a crime
to not get back up again?
could we disregard the time?
would it be a sin?

my headspace is numb
i understand
this is frightening to some
no one can know i am unable to stand

the first of the year
things don’t feel too different
but i am still here

the first of the month
things are beginning
what should i first confront

the first of the week
yet i am unsure
what is it that i seek

the first of next year
full circle
wonder if i’ll defeat this fear

disfunctioned and disfigured
the vision of my brain
making all my senses triggered

i stare in the mirror and ask,
"should i go numb?
should i come up with a mask?"

the vehemence at war
ripping and shredding
at my dignity now ablur

i add a bit of hope at the end
in hopes that it will spread its wings
and let its heart extend

you want to feel joy
but it’s kind of disintegrated
you want to relate
but your soul is deflated

numb to all
even familiar places
you once felt safe
before these spaces

will you ever be free?
it all seems jaded
when will you see
all the happiness you traded

where is the humanity?
answer me, please
before i lose my sanity
and fall to my knees

there is disease flooding through the street
but wouldn't you rather catch it
or have your loved ones leave?
please try to care, just a little bit

if you walk with the flood,
are you really risking it all?
which is the true blood
that is really being drawn?

if you shake hands with a dead man
are you really making a deal?
if you run from life,
are you really going to heal?

it's too heavy
blundering boulders of weight
crash down on my weak soul
my legs unable to stand straight

i don't know how much longer
i can pretend
realness is my moral
and i don't know how much further
my conscience can bend

where is the end to the stream?
the stream of thoughts that flow
"give it time"
only time will show

i am imprisoned
my head pushed underwater
unconvincing decisions
swim in the head of this daughter

numb haze
image of unreal
my heart in a blaze
not very ideal

disconnected from fate
unsure of what is to come
the hologram is about to fade
wake up before you become numb

heavier than ever before
the ***** that is within me
does this indicate something that adores?
only time will see

at war
confused conflict
between comrades
enraged despair
between the world
ruined hope
between the opinions
but mostly,
at all out war
between myself and i

i look in the mirror
and suddenly see
a ghost
swallowed by the gloom
caged by each hidden room

unwanted by many
is it an illusion?
i sure hope so

what happened to
the figure behind,
the figure i once knew.

do you feel that weight?
it pulls you down
like it's fate

do you feel those tears?
they pour quickly
but do not wash away your fears

do you feel the void?
it stays consistant
with the dreams you avoid

sweet notes of you
fill my mind

and every time i hear a love song,
it's you i find

calming aromas of hope
deep in my soul

and every time i wonder how it came,
it's you that makes me whole

it's you

success defined by a digit
all or nothing, which is it
no longer feel worth
granted i never did

chopped down with every number
burned and bruised by the red pen
but who's pen is really causing me this pain?
i'd rather not admit it
it's just success defined by a digit

return
back to earth
let the space in your head
fall behind you
and feel the wonder
each breeze that blows your way
holding memories close
each raindrop cascading down
reminding you of the realness

return
back to earth
look for the reasons
you came back
because you didn't leave space
for nothing

return
back to earth
look for the ways
you intertine with the orbit
in love
in fear
in strength
in weakness
in all

return
in all.

breathe, my dear
stay up
as long as you wish
we don't want the heavy
to stay here
so breathe, my dear
take in the world you missed

"how sweet it is to be loved by you"
oh, but how much sweeter to love you

swinging around in your arms, together
oh, i could stay there forever

you are my light, my way
here in your peace, i lay

lights surrounding us both in the night
and in our future looking so bright

“trust me”
the thought of jerking the wheel glazes through my mind
“trust me”
wait, did i hear something?
“trust me!”
that can’t be what i think
“trust me!”
and as much as i really want to,
i run the other way
and i hid from the comfort
“trust me.”
and i have never regretted a no so much

a small gazebo
a ukulele
a kiwi
and two
very much in love

without even knowing

wrapped in your arms
soft notes of adoration
fill the air in the coolness of night
my soul whispers, “stay forever”
and my heart echoes the sentiment

wrapped in your arms
the world melts away
and the only thing that remains
is the twinkle in your eyes
as we reflect each other’s smiles

wrapped in your arms
i never want to leave
hold me closer
so much closer
“30 minutes isn’t enough time
to hold you forever”

how tragic would it be?
to lay my mind to rest?
oh how i want to
some days
sundays
numbness surrounds my being
and feeling wraps around my heart
too much
always too much
but don’t make a tragedy
no one has time for it

twisting and turning
i am pulled in every direction
but mine

expectations stacked
higher than mountains
unable to climb

"no breaking allowed"
is the rule for me
but i might, sometime

how heavy can I be?
written words are the solution
or so they seem
maybe they add to the confusion

where are the brighter days?
because it is getting dark so early
maybe this is only a phase
tomorrow i'll be better, surely

shaky hands seem to be my state
maybe one day i'll be steady
everyday i carry this weight
maybe one day i'll be ready

where are the better days?
sometimes i forget
but maybe by tomorrow's rays
we will be better yet

holding your hand
makes me steady again

being with you
revives my soul

holding you close
is my therapy

calling you mine
is my shelter

my shelter

paralyzed
inside my own head
what value is prized?

trapped
underneath my skin
has my sanity snapped?

confined
within my own heart
has my future made me blind?

day by day i look for moments to hold
they seem to run faster each time
each one is a story to be told
maybe in the form of a rhyme?

where are the moments
when my heart is certain
the clock is my component
these moments hold just one person

i will learn to run faster
till i can catch up with that arrow
turning and rushing past her
that window is so so narrow

hold it close and near
love without limits
but when time seems to disappear
whisper, "5 more minutes."

dear thoughts,
please leave me alone
for awhile
don't get me wrong,
it was nice having you
but i think it's about time you get going.
we had a good time for awhile,
discussing all the ways
we could shape the future into
something new.
but you said more than you should've.
you moved your piece too soon and the board tipped.
the game is over.
your'e words pierced my heart and never said sorry.
so, i'm afraid we must move on.
we just don't get along.
here is the door, drive safe on the way home.
farewell, thoughts, please don't return.

cloudy cloudy brain
where are the directions
to the beginnings
the map is written
in a foggy room
and i can't see where the
arrow is pointing

holding you close
as the sun disappears
leaving behind a rainbow ocean
for me and you

your warmth
is one i have never felt
cordial feelings
wrap around my heart

how did i get so lucky?
i can only try not to explode
from the pure and utter jubilation
that you bring to existing

endless circles
are the shape of my mind

feeling hollow is tradition
not one i'd like to keep

where are the reasons
that my heart keeps beating?

i can't seem to find them today.
lost in the void

uncertainty took me captive
and frankly, it was rude

attachment is an addiction
i can't seem to depart from
how do I break through
when i'm already broken?

why do i feel the incapability
to believe what is true
transported emotions
cloud my way of thinking

who gave them the right?
to journey through my mind
they aren't mine
so why do they haunt me at night?

this addiction is a mystery
to myself and others
why do i
c o n n e c t

why do i
d i s c o n n e c t

heavier than a balloon
lighter than a brick
my mind to amuse
my heart beats quick

where are the questions
for the answers i ask
what is the obsession
with the profile i mask

my heart beats quick
lighter than a drum
and with every click
my fingers grow numb

or is it my mind
lighter than a drum
harder to find
than to overcome

are your arms
strong enough
for all the things
you want to hold?
souls are heavier
than they seem
endure
don't grow weak
you must keep
your grip
don't let such important cargo
slip