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a great barrier
holding back how i really feel
i've been happier
but it's so hard to heal

hold up the shield
just for the day
keep your heart concealed
don't put it on display

the shield is cracking
a fear of mine
brace for the impact
then you can draw the line
my greatest fear
is that i will wake up
to the reality i have been looking for
and still wish i wasn't here
"i want to wake up in the morning
and not wish that i was dead!"
i screamed into the mountains
hoping for a reply
take me back to 17
and let me live like i did before
let me live in my head rent free
and throw my emotions to the pile
on the floor
let me listen to sad music
and not relate
always waiting for the day
i will no longer have to wait
shaky hands, shaky heart
nothing feels connected
not even emotions that take part

dizzy and confused
am i even in this body?
or is my soul watching, abused?

uncontrolably kneeled
words fight to escape
but my mouth is sealed

am i going insane?
or coming to?
dear God, please let me escape this brain
why do i go to writings to release my inner war?
poems, paragraphs, lines
isn't there a better way to get off the floor?
to escape from this mind that only confines?

do they even matter?
these writings of release?
sometimes they just make me shatter
fall apart piece by piece

should they be shared?
or hidden beneath my hollow heart
wouldn't they show if they cared?
i guess i would have to be the one to start
empty bottles filled with something
it makes no sense
where is the sense they bring?
why am i still on the fence?

coping is bane
not who i truly am
will i always be the same?
this all seems to be a scam

will this empty bottle break?
or do i need to shatter it?
for goodness sake
when will this decision split?
these feelings are making a comeback
what do i do when they come back?
dramatized in my own head
but what would they be instead?

the question is a constant as a lose *****
gripping to the fragments of my brain
could it be what He is telling me to do?
seems like i might be going insane

i really need to get a grip
or the grip needs to let go of me
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