was the time you made me feel like your galaxy
real
or a fantasy

day by day i look for moments to hold
they seem to run faster each time
each one is a story to be told
maybe in the form of a rhyme?

where are the moments
when my heart is certain
the clock is my component
these moments hold just one person

i will learn to run faster
till i can catch up with that arrow
turning and rushing past her
that window is so so narrow

hold it close and near
love without limits
but when time seems to disappear
whisper, "5 more minutes."

"i want to wake up in the morning
and not wish that i was dead!"
i screamed into the mountains
hoping for a reply
take me back to 17
and let me live like i did before
let me live in my head rent free
and throw my emotions to the pile
on the floor
let me listen to sad music
and not relate
always waiting for the day
i will no longer have to wait

did i ever live in my head rent free?
i'm starting to question
what the expectation is supposed to be

was i ever carefree?
i genuinely don't recall
have i always been held by a wall?

i sit on that mountain top
my scream didn't even echo
i don't think my thoughts will stop

but maybe a little less cruel?

i know that i set myself ablaze for you
but i liked the warmth it brought

i liked the way it felt to love someone
with a burning passion that cannot be put out

but when you're burning alone
your soul starts to wither
and you no longer feel the warmth
only the pain

i woke up feeling okay today
usually i would be nervous
waiting for the next unfortunate event
but today
i’m going to embrace this feeling
cautiously optimistic
and accept that i might always be existential
i’m going to breathe in this
present picture moment
and let the extreme
be itself

all alone
inside the
vast space
where is the
exit?
“we’re here to talk”
but i can’t even comprehend
my own mind
all alone

you want to feel joy
but it’s kind of disintegrated
you want to relate
but your soul is deflated

numb to all
even familiar places
you once felt safe
before these spaces

will you ever be free?
it all seems jaded
when will you see
all the happiness you traded

sometimes
i question whether this state of mind
is real or even unkind

but then i fall
into the dark pit of darkness
and i see it all

all the lies i was told
about myself
my trust so easily sold

i am an aloe plant

waiting for the sun

my leaves droop

for it is darker

than i'd prefer

but i stay alive

i still exsist

i know the time is coming

when the light will emerge

and i will grow stronger

and you will too

let your heart long
for what you don’t have
experience what you want
feel as you do
but some day, try to find peace
with what you don’t have

"embrace the change"
but how do you embrace
the pain?
different is an alteration
i was not ready to face
offset emotions
offset mind
where are the things i know?
im bound to find out
that those things only exist
in the past
but for now
"embrace the change"
cause it can't all be bad

my heart, my people

all gathered close

the stage overflowing with sentiment

hands linked and raised

as we take our final bow

tears of passion race

my heart filled with nostalgia

for a moment that hasn't passed

my soul feels the warmth of companions

who have become kindred

my heart, my people

where is the humanity?
answer me, please
before i lose my sanity
and fall to my knees

there is disease flooding through the street
but wouldn't you rather catch it
or have your loved ones leave?
please try to care, just a little bit

if you walk with the flood,
are you really risking it all?
which is the true blood
that is really being drawn?

if you shake hands with a dead man
are you really making a deal?
if you run from life,
are you really going to heal?

stop hating yourself
for loving more
though it hurts

it is the greatest gift
you will ever recieve

at war
confused conflict
between comrades
enraged despair
between the world
ruined hope
between the opinions
but mostly,
at all out war
between myself and i

im at war
with my mind
and i don't know
why

why am i fighting?
what is the

reason.

in the end
what will i fear most,
being hurt?
or never being truly understood

i acknowledge
that i am in pain
and though guilt holds me hostage
i will not give myself all the blame

why is it harder to love myself?
than the one that makes my soul soar?
i guess i’ll have to be kind to me as well
but this will be harder than before

blackbird singin' in the dead of night
but it's not the blackbird im thinking of
in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
but what if it's not my wings i am worried about?
all my life
i've wanted you to love me
the way i love you
but you didn't wait for that moment to arise

i feel
im trying to discover
something not yet
seen
is there something to discover?
there must be

is it empty?
or is there something
to that brain of mist

i need to know
show me how to know
who knows
how to know

what is the discovery?
is there one?

breathe, my dear
stay up
as long as you wish
we don't want the heavy
to stay here
so breathe, my dear
take in the world you missed

darkness
pillows soaked in hot tears
a knot in your stomach just when you thought it went away
confusion, pain, unwanted memories
but i guess c'est la vie

morning
dreams that seemed so real
nostalgia as shower water runs over your face
dreary eyes, lack of motivation, slow movements
but i guess c'est la vie

afternoon
staring into the distance
songs that ring of remembrance
fake smiles, brimming tears, heavy breathing
but i guess c'est la vie

the air is crisp
it is time for the warmth to fade and the summer to end
because even though the good has gone
i know that it will come again
just like the warmth in the air
so for now,
i will embrace the change
just like i embrace the falling leaves
because though there is heartache in change
there is beauty
in letting things go
and there is peace in the wind
and it will wrap you up in it's crisp,
apple-smelling air
you will find your joy again
you will find your summer

cloudy cloudy brain
where are the directions
to the beginnings
the map is written
in a foggy room
and i can't see where the
arrow is pointing

comfort in the sadness
a lonely shelter of blue
a blanket of feelings
that is never torn
a space to feel
will i ever know a difference?

connectedness
is the aspiration of your being
adjacent hearts are the
only priority
but
the falsifier of your brain
makes you endure the weight
of forged disregard
"you aren't their world"
but you know it's a lie
for all humans are the same
connectedness
is their existence

holding you close
as the sun disappears
leaving behind a rainbow ocean
for me and you

your warmth
is one i have never felt
cordial feelings
wrap around my heart

how did i get so lucky?
i can only try not to explode
from the pure and utter jubilation
that you bring to existing

blurry
is my future
foggy
is my brain
but the way i see you
crystal clear

dear thoughts,
please leave me alone
for awhile
don't get me wrong,
it was nice having you
but i think it's about time you get going.
we had a good time for awhile,
discussing all the ways
we could shape the future into
something new.
but you said more than you should've.
you moved your piece too soon and the board tipped.
the game is over.
your'e words pierced my heart and never said sorry.
so, i'm afraid we must move on.
we just don't get along.
here is the door, drive safe on the way home.
farewell, thoughts, please don't return.

"you are safe now."
whispers the deep
blue sea
kaleidoscope shore in the distance
stars dot the bottom of the ocean
each cloud another island to stop at
and catch your breath
"you are loved now."
whispers the deep blue sea
a feeling you haven't known
for awhile, or ever like this
deeper than the deep blue sea

i know
the waves of your mind
are racing
and you don't feel
like you can catch up
but,
the slits on your arms won’t
heal the slits in your heart
instead, look for the fragments
of constellations through seconds
so many connections
some of laughter
some of pain
most of love
you have a place in this
globe of beings
you just forgot for a second
so dive
like you dive into your mind
into the world in front of you

when the stories
i repeat in my head
became my own
that was the day
i lost control

do you feel that weight?
it pulls you down
like it's fate

do you feel those tears?
they pour quickly
but do not wash away your fears

do you feel the void?
it stays consistant
with the dreams you avoid

stronger than any rock
braver than any bear
opinions are vital
or so you thought
you run fiercely
towards the challenge
reflecting towards you
is it a reflection?

empty bottles filled with something
it makes no sense
where is the sense they bring?
why am i still on the fence?

coping is bane
not who i truly am
will i always be the same?
this all seems to be a scam

will this empty bottle break?
or do i need to shatter it?
for goodness sake
when will this decision split?

endless circles
are the shape of my mind

feeling hollow is tradition
not one i'd like to keep

where are the reasons
that my heart keeps beating?

i can't seem to find them today.
lost in the void

uncertainty took me captive
and frankly, it was rude

i’m tired
of fighting so **** hard
for the happiness
that everyone tells me i deserve

forever lost in the vastness of my mind most every word it utters is unkind
unsure if processing is the right process
only time will show, i guess

a sense of meaning i hold in my heart
it was there right from the start
with whom i will always relate
will i ever be understood for this state?

my mind felt infinitely understood
as much as it seemed it could
for a mere five minutes
hopefully it will again, to the finish

pushing back all day
on the feelings you wish
would all go away

tied back and kept
the only way to cope?
a state that almost feels trapped

at the time the sun may sink
maybe it’s time to let go
let your heart find the link

it’s almost relieving
a sense of detachment
who are you deceiving?

understandable to only one
but still perplexed
this, maybe only just begun

one, you are the discipline of my mind
two, the reason i adore
three, you push me, sometimes too much
four, you show me my own reality
five, my dear introvert
six, not all of them leave
seven, take me with you up the mountain
eight, be braver than you want
nine, peace will come in the morning
or maybe in yourself

why must i be bonded to something
that causes me so much pain?

i will never let anyone see the worst of me
because the one time i did
they left

forest
jungle
wood
is that what your mind consists?
you are ready to discover
what it holds
and you'd prefer to do so in
solitude
isn't scary
isn't bad
just different
sometimes even good

one star
not sure where the others like you are
but you are one star worth gazing
you discover a galaxy
before the others
because you are closest
to what is real
and you pack for your journey
because you are going to visit
the universe

humanity
do you believe in it?
even plastered paper
smiles seem distant
what happened to the people who
feel
who know what it is like
to long for the day we are all free

humanity
seems so plastic
compared to the flesh
that it was before
artificial interactions
crowd the spaces in between
authentic seconds

humanity
where are you?
i know it’s in small
nooks and crannies
but aren’t we all human?

maybe i’m being
melodramatic
friendly to the feelers
but isn’t every poet

four strings
each with a
memory
a note
of something you will always
remember
a friend that will always stay
a friend that helps you
create
contribute
express
there's no way to thank it
but to keep strumming
and keep the strings alive
for they will keep you alive

i like goodbyes
about as much as i like
my shoes coming untied

anticipating an absence
always throws off my balance
then my heartstrings come unraveled
with these tears i must battle

i like goodbyes
about as much as i like
believing all these lies

will there ever be a day
where i can smile and be okay
to say a hello with a happy sigh
and never worry about saying goodbye

these feelings are making a comeback
what do i do when they come back?
dramatized in my own head
but what would they be instead?

the question is a constant as a lose *****
gripping to the fragments of my brain
could it be what He is telling me to do?
seems like i might be going insane

i really need to get a grip
or the grip needs to let go of me

happiness
a fleeting wish that flew through my mind
i think

happiness
bright bubbly something
i think

happiness
the expectation for existing
i think

happiness
a realistic reality
i think?